You Are ... So Beautiful ... To Me...

A while ago, Turkey decided that the professional photo taken of him that's on the firm's website was no good, and he wanted it redone. So even though it was only done three years ago, the firm allowed him to sit for another photo shoot.  Nobody asked me, but if they had, they'd have heard me saying I think he looks exactly the same as he did three years ago.  Guess who found the email with the proofs?! And guess who couldn't resist and took a pic with her cell phone?! That's right. I did it.

He looks like a Republican pedophile with an awkward hairline caught pooping while wearing a suit, who tries to make the best of being caught by grinning/grimacing. It's not pretty, is what I'm saying. But it sure is funny! (Remember that grimace Dick Cheney used to make when he'd try to smile?  Every time I would see that, I would think, "That is what a pedophile looks like.")

Anyway, the lady in Marketing who arranged this stopped by my desk a few weeks ago on another matter, and let it slip that Turkey requested that they blow up his favorite picture of himself, and frame it. And she was like, "Um, that is not a service this law firm provides, sorry. Have you tried Walgreens?"

Then last week Turkey wanted for us to go to lunch together. Alone. I tried to talk various people into joining us to no avail. I tried to "reschedule" due to the pouring rain. Nope. So off we went, with Turkey carrying a brown paper grocery bag. We went to a restaurant that Turkey has been to many times before. He asked the waiter nine questions about the menu (which had not changed recently). I started counting after question four. His questions were one step above things like, "Now the ice water - is that cold?" Turkey ultimately ordered three things.

I was able to start our lunch off on the right foot, by genuinely thanking Turkey.  In a departmental meeting, he mentioned the Netflix series The Crown, and suggested it was quite good and I should watch it. I wound up devouring the series, and absolutely LOVING it. So I was able to chat with Turkey all about the monarch and such. Then we moved on to the next portion of the lunch - work gossip. This involved Turkey mentioning people and asking me what I thought THEY thought about him. This segued nicely into the second-to-last portion of lunch, where Turkey and I took turns complimenting Turkey. I lied a lot during those two portions of lunch.

Last was the gift-giving portion of lunch. Turkey reached into his grocery bag and gave me a box.  In the same way that a seven year-old girl who's just read Flicka and Black Beauty hopes for a horse, I was hoping Turkey was giving me a framed picture of himself. Because wouldn't that be hilarious? To have a picture of an ugly man who is vehemently hated by many he works with, sitting on my desk.  And the best part is, Turkey is exactly the type to do that. So it's not like I was hoping for a unicorn - this dream really had potential of coming true.

Alas, it did not. Maybe next year. No, this time I was given a book of Doonesbury cartoons that all feature Donald Trump. I'm thinking it was a re-gift, because there is no possible way Turkey saw this in a store and thought, "I should get this for my secretary!" Oh well. At least I got a free lunch from a nice restaurant out of it all. 

The More Things Change ...

Turkey is so much better at this firm.  He's so much more appropriate in his dealings with employees. He's on time more than 50% of the time. He loses things much less often, and when he does lose them, they're often easily found. It's amazing to see how far he's come. But then there are those other times when he does something to make it clear that calling him a turkey really IS the right nickname for him here.

A few months ago, all the attorneys had to do sexual harassment training. One of the HR people and I talked about it, and I asked her if whoever was giving the presentation could tell all the attorneys that a gay attorney CAN in fact be sexually harassing a straight employee, and their gayness does not automatically exempt them from saying inappropriate things. Because Turkey does.

On Friday afternoon, Turkey and I were trying to fill out the form needed to get a new client up and running. He'd told me to write one thing, and then told me to write something else. I confirmed he wanted to change that line. "A girl can change her mind, right?" Now, I know this is a gay guy thing to do - to refer to himself as a woman, and I know Turkey is gay, but he'd never done this particular thing before. Clearly, Turkey was feeling a little extra saucy Friday afternoon.

We got a famous client, and I think he was a little giddy over that. (The guy isn't super famous - he's more the sibling of someone famous who you probably never think of. It's not very exciting. So far, he seems very normal.) Turkey even had asked me if I really thought we should charge him a retainer. I voted absolutely. Turkey was worried it would be considered insulting. I argued that we charge everyone a retainer unless we have a prior relationship with them, and famous people, unless they're raging egomaniacs, want to be treated just like everyone else is treated. He agreed with me. I give good legal advice to lawyers.

At the very end of the day on Friday, I was finishing up some work while Turkey was leaning on my counter talking to me. Apropos of nothing, he asked me if the gay guy who sits next to me is gay. Half of me was shocked to be asked that, and half of me was not at all surprised Turkey would ask such an inappropriate question. I shrugged. He then asked me if a cute, straight paralegal was gay. I shrugged again.

I adamantly believe that you do NOT expose someone's sexuality. Maybe it's because I'm Jewish - a minority that has been persecuted - but I'd like to think even if I weren't, it would not be my place to share anything about a person that has gotten others like them killed for sharing that information.

There are many days, often in a row, where I have a lovely workday. I must never let myself get lulled into a false sense of security. I must never, never forget that Turkey will be inappropriate at some point. 

Turkey Had a Very Turkey Day Today

(Nothing to do with Thanksgiving, in case you're new. Sorry.)

At this firm, Turkey is forced to be better. Less crazy. More self-sufficient. I still do a lot of things for him most attorneys do for themselves. Like, I enter his time. He emails me documents to save on the system. I look up phone numbers for him within our directory. But overall, he loses fewer things. He throws people under the bus less often. He lies less often. Turkey just screws up less these days.

But today was a doozy. Let us count the ways ...

1. This morning I came in and found an email from a coworker/friend in our Risk Management department, forwarding an email Turkey sent last night to the entire Risk Management team, plus the CEO of the firm, plus the General Counsel, claiming I said something I didn't say at all. See, each time we're sending out an engagement letter it's supposed to be a form letter, but Turkey always changes it so much that he often leaves the firm open to risk. So they decided all his engagement letters have to be reviewed before being sent to a client. We also have disengagement letters, when a matter has ended. I spoke with the head of Risk Management about these and he told me the important language they need to have. As long as they say that, he doesn't really care what else they say. That's what I told Turkey yesterday. That disengagement letters don't need to be seen by Risk Management before going out. He emailed all these people though, claiming I said nobody has to review engagement letters, non-engagement letters (different from dis-engagement letters) anymore.  I was livid. I went straight up to the General Counsel to speak with him about this. He talked me off the ledge and five minutes later I was sure that the firm was not about to fire me. But holy shit, what a way to start your day. 
2. Ironically, while Turkey was worrying about what I am doing in relation to risk management, he sent an email to clients and accidentally cc'd the opposing counsel on the case.  Yeah. Worry more about yourself, Turkey. 
3. Turkey and I have this system wherein everything I need him to sign goes into a bright yellow folder, and we pass that back and forth to each other, multiple times a day. Often Turkey takes it home at the end of the day to review and sign letters I've prepared, and then hands it back in the morning. Yesterday I gave Turkey the folder with about half a dozen letters, one of which included a check that needed to go out. Today, Turkey told me he lost the folder and to re-create the letters. Just figuring out which letters needed to be re-created took me almost an hour alone! But I do it, put them all in a manilla folder and give him that.  I ask him to please look again for the yellow folder because we really need that check to go out to the client. He shrugs. I look a little harder at the mess that is the piles on his desk. I see a smidge of bright  yellow, and slowly pull out the folder.  "Oops," Turkey smiles at me. What does he care? He didn't just re-do work. 
4. We've been working on an agreement for months. There are many, many versions of this same document. Some redlined with tons of changes, some clean (changes accepted). Today, Turkey realized that he made a ton of redlined changes and never saved them. So I had to spend two hours retyping all these changes off a printed document, that had already been typed in.  Just such a huge waste of time. Turkey told me this needed to go to the client today. I asked him if there was any way he could get an extension from the client - that this was such a mess I didn't think we should rush through it, risking embarrassment by sending anything with mistakes. I should not rush the edits, and he should not rush the review. Luckily, I got Turkey to agree. Of course he agreed. He always tells me "The clients wants this before the end of the day" when really he just wants it done by then. I don't really care that Turkey lies about this. I'm just satisfied we're not going to send out a subpar product to a client. 

Hopefully on Monday Turkey will have pulled his shit together a bit more. That way I can move on to telling you all about my good news involving a baby lawyer. 

Squeaky

There's so much to tell you, and I barely know where to start! Firstly, I got to meet someone I met through blogging. Who lives in DENMARK! Because she came to the Americas! Each time I've met someone off the interwebs, there's always a little hesitation - will they be crazy? will it be painfully awkward? will we both be trying to figure out the quickest and most graceful way to get away? But meeting Jennie and her husband was pure joy. Pure. Joy. They were so fun and funny and easy-going and interesting, and and and!

Secondly, it's five months in, and I'm still working with Turkey. He's ... still a turkey. That's never going to change. But working with him at a big law firm provides a buffer for me that was sorely lacking in the other place. He cares very much about what others think of him, so having others around keeps Turkey in check to a small degree.

About a month ago the firm did evaluations and raises/bonuses. I'd barely been permanent for a month so assumed there'd be none for me. Wrong. Turkey and the midwestern girl reviewed me. I had to sit with the HR lady while she handed me the reviews they wrote. Then she told me since I'd just started, they couldn't justify giving me a raise. However, they did want me to feel appreciated, so she went to the head honchos and got them to give me a bonus.

Here's how I envision it went down:
HR: We should give Green a bonus.
Head Honchos: Who now?
HR: You know - the one who's working with Turkey.
HH: Oh, shit. Yes! Here's $20 from me.

And I imagine she just went to every single partner, and then each associate, and then each employee who has ever had to deal with Turkey, getting $20 from each person, pulling together my bonus.

Lastly, today, like most days, Turkey was wearing leather shoes that squeak with every step. We can hear him coming from all the way down the hall. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Everywhere he goes, we can hear him squeak along. At one point, Turkey squeaked his way out of his office, right as a call came in for him. Without even thinking about it, I inquired to the girl who sits next to me, "Where'd Squeaky go?" She was being given instructions by a partner who overheard, and he kind of snickered as he kept talking, and then all three of us were giggling.

The best part was, Turkey was close by - I just couldn't see him! (He didn't hear me.) 

Change is Hard

This non-profit gig is outrageously difficult. Not because of the money. Hey wait, can we talk about something? I never understand those people who put in different amounts of effort based on how much they get paid. My effort is like a light-switch. It's either on or off. I can't look at this temp job and think, "I'm going to do a shitty job putting this huge file together because they don't pay me enough to do a good job." I just bitch about how the huge file became such a mess.

Here are the most difficult things about this job:

1. The style of speech is different. I've "grown up" in law firms as an adult. Since 20 years old, this is all I've done. Lawyers are very direct. I understand the way lawyers in law firms speak. But at this non-profit, they kind of pride themselves on a relaxed atmosphere and that comes through in their style of speech. So instead of saying "Please file this in the Lindenberry file before you leave today," they say things like "Maybe this could be put away if there's time." That's too vague! Did you want ME to put it away? WHERE do you want it put? I've already fucked up one big project because the instructions were too vague for me. (Part of this is a learning disability thing - a comprehension issue - but most of it is the vague-speak.) I think the attorney was upset with my final product yesterday, and it put me in a bad mood. Today I did what she'd originally wanted, and gave myself a stern talking-to about really listening hard for instructions that don't sound like instructions. 
2. There is no system for anything. Including training new employees. There are no templates. There's no standard. So when I got told to draft a cover letter and I asked what format to duplicate, the response was to just ... make it look nice. Ummm .... what now? You know what looks nice? When every single letter from one company uses the same format! So I just copied the format from the last letter that went to the same guy last month. The easiest things are proving hardest for me here. Like yesterday, I had a four-page document to save and print, but only the first of the four pages would print or save. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why.
3. It's a non-profit. They look to save money however they can. Even if they can't. So for example, there's only one IT guy. He only works three days a week. I can't even begin to wrap my head around this one. Is he on call the other two days? Working from home? I mean, what if the entire system crashes on a day he doesn't work?  There is a certain type of pad I like to use at work that basically every single law firm carries. Not this place. Here I have to use a steno pad. Why? Steno pads are cheaper. Nobody even writes in steno anymore! All the old lady secretaries who used to do this have retired by now. Today I noticed a big spill in the elevator. It was a lawsuit waiting to happen. I mentioned it to the receptionist, so she could tell maintenance or the facilities manager or whoever. Her response? "I can wipe that up." I was so embarrassed - if she can wipe it up, so can I! I just thought there'd be a dude with a mop somewhere. Because it's a non-profit I thought maybe he does janitorial stuff AND something else, but surely there'd be a dude. There's always a dude! But no. Apparently the dude is the receptionist. 

So yeah. I've spoken with the nice secretary sitting next to me. She started at the beginning of July. She's given me great gossip and been very helpful, though I try to not bother her too much since she's swamped. But she did tell me that the guy who had the job before me got fired, and why. And that the pay is terrible. And that the lack of organizational structure is very difficult to work around. 

Everyone is very nice. I'm trying to focus on the positives. While I struggle to figure out really basic things like how to make labels for files, and wrap my head around the lack of professionalism like hand-writing addresses on envelopes rather than typing them. 

Weak Work

This has not been an easy year, to put it mildly. I have not worked since early 2014. That's not a typo. Each evening I go for a walk just to get out of my house, and stop staring at the same walls all the time. When I'm not working and can't afford to go out, I withdraw from friends, from everyone. Of course, it's a terrible cycle, because being alone fuels the depression. Being around people fuels the depression too - people don't realize how much they talk about things that cost money.

Lately I've been working with this young recruiter - one of those lawyers who didn't want to lawyer, so she became a legal recruiter instead. I don't think she's ever worked as an associate since graduating from law school, and between that and being in her mid-twenties, it's been a frustrating experience to interact with her.

Once though, I had an interview with this old lady headhunter, and afterwards I said, "It felt like I was talking to a slick, brick wall. Nothing I threw to her stuck." I figured it was a waste of time and nothing at all would ever come of that interview. She placed me at the best job I've had in all the time I've lived in San Francisco. So I've learned not to give up on people too quickly.

This morning she called me about a job. Almost apologetically she explained the details. Non-profit. For those who don't know, any job that's a non-profit job pays significantly less. Like, half of what you earn now. Part-time. Four hours a day. Temp work. Just for four weeks. She basically told me flat out that she knows it's beneath me. Um, no. I am desperate. No honest work is beneath me. "Okay," she said. She would pitch me to the non-profit. She would let me know in the afternoon if they want me to start work tomorrow.

At 5:01 p.m. I looked at the clock and thought to myself, "Guess they went with someone else." Literally right after I let out a sad sigh, my phone rang. I'm to show up tomorrow. For pay that is literally half what I normally get on an hourly basis. But it's more than nothing, and that absolutely counts. Every single dollar that puts me farther away from eviction is a dollar that makes me happy. 

Humbling

Today I applied for a job. It has a salary range. The highest end of the range is over $20k lower than my last job (GQ) paid, and he paid $3k less than Turkey did.

I'm not going to lie. It really hurts. It's a job in a law firm, so I spent at least an hour in bed last night whispering my answer to the interview question "why do you want a job that pays so significantly less than what you were earning before?"

It's hard to come up with a good answer.

1. Well look when I was working - clearly I can't be picky. (Attracts attention to gap in resume)
2. I want something lower pressure. (Being a legal secretary is not high pressure)
3. I wanted to try something new within the legal industry. (Attracts attention to my lack of experience)
4. I thought it would be fun to expand my experience. (Will they be offended that I want to use their job for fun?)
5. Ugh, because I am desperate and just need a fucking job for my mental health already! (Overshare)

So yeah. I need to prepare for an interview for a job that I both need and don't want. Oh, and the person who brought this position to my attention warned me they've had trouble keeping people in the seat because there's zero room for advancement.

But it pays significantly more than nothing. It even pays more than double what unemployment pays (which is no good for my mental health, plus provides no health insurance, plus runs out). So I will continue working to come up with an answer to why I want this job to be prepared for an interview (we're thinking positively!) and will make sure my attitude is right before walking in the office door. 

The Death of it all

At the end of January, GQ laid me off. I did not take it well. I told one friend and then couldn't even tell anyone else. I'm still not over my PTSD from being out of work during the recession (quick recap: it lasted almost 4 years, I had to go on food stamps, was a month away from eviction proceedings starting when Turkey called), and had just begun relaxing after getting away from Turkey.

All I hear in my head is me screaming at the top of my lungs, "AGAIN?! REALLY?!" over and over. I have a very strong reference letter from Turkey (which I drafted myself) and another one from GQ. GQ's is more emphatic in how great I was, but because I didn't write it for him, it's not well written (I don't mean that to be obnoxious - there are typos).

GQ and I have not kept in touch. I did not delete him from my LinkedIn people, but after sorting out signing the severance agreement for a severance check we haven't spoken at all. I do not follow him on Twitter. I may have stalked him on Facebook for a couple of months. It really hurt to see him keep going on trip after trip. "Sorry Green, I can't afford to keep paying you, because my boyfriend and I want to go to Hawaii. And Mexico. And New York."

I have this cousin who adopts cats, and one after another they die. I'm sure he is taking care of the cats and it's just very bad luck that cat after cat kicks the bucket. But if I had a cat I would sure never ask him to pet-sit for me, you know? And even though I was laid off at my last two jobs through absolutely no fault of my own, I sure wouldn't hire me. Somehow, bad job luck seems to follow me. I'm completely mortified about it. I feel like I'm always out of work.

When my brother married Crazy Girl I was out of work, and although I was genuinely happy for them and they threw a beautiful wedding, it was very difficult for me to attend because I was at a very low point in my life and I had quite a difficult time holding my head high. Once, when my aunt heard I was out of work, she loudly said, "Again?!" and I think that's what I hear constantly in my head. Golden Boy was very kind and when I talked to him about not having money for a wedding present, he waved me off. "Just get us a 5th year anniversary present instead!"

Yeah, their five year anniversary was this April. Two and a half months after I got laid off. Anyway. Now you know why I haven't been writing. I can barely get out of the house each week for my two volunteer gigs (and it's about to get worse since one is ending soon).

So! How are you doing?

All Over the Board

1. About half a year ago, I noticed the beautiful salads the San Francisco Soup Company sells. So many people were happily eating them. They looked so pretty. So I got one. Then you know what else I got? Violently ill. That's right, the beautiful salad tried to kill me. I was so sad. For months I watched the happy people munching their pretty salads, wishing I could be one of them, knowing I wouldn't survive an attempted murder twice.
   
   This week I've been a little crazy, and today I decided to try the salad again. Let me tell you, they were just as beautiful today as they've been when the salads are in front of other people. The grass was just as green for me! It's now seven hours later, and I feel fine, so it seems like the first time was just an unfortunate fluke.
   
2. This may come as a shock to some of you, but GQ, my gay boss, is gay. I know! Anyway, one of our sub-tenant people was back in the office today after having gone camping for a long weekend. He and GQ were talking, and GQ asked where the guy went camping. They talked about location, and then I heard the sub-tenant say something about not being "too close to the homos or the meth-heads." Ever see those movies where someone's head dramatically jerks up and their eyes get wide? That was me.
   
   GQ didn't react at all to it, so I kept my mouth shut. Is it possible he missed it? GQ's been gay for like, his whole life, so maybe he worked out decades ago how to deal with comments like that?
   
3. Speaking of GQ! Recently, he and the other attorneys in our suite got their photos professionally done, for their respective websites. The photographer came to our office twice, and had zero sense of humor. One of the attorneys said, "One or two shots should be enough to capture my beauty," and the photographer was all, "What?!?! But how will I ... only two shots?!?! Blarphen?!?@?!" and we had to tell her she was joking. The photographer promptly developed a huge crush on GQ. To say she was disappointed would be a huge understatement. Her whole face fell, and she asked me a thousand questions about where he was.
   
4. The new season of Dancing With the Stars has begun this week, and the two people I was interested in seeing were Leah Remini and Snookie. I don't think Leah Remini is particularly smart, but she's funny. Sadly, it doesn't seem like she'll go far on this season. Girl can't dance. Plus she's very uncomfortable with her body (see: Amber Riley). Snookie however, can apparently dance. Shocker!

The List

At work I currently have a list full of names. These are names of gay professionals in Northern and Southern California. It was each person's name, their title, the company they work for, the county, and their email address. At the top of the list, in bold and extra-big font it says Privileged and Confidential. The list was given to me in a folder. There was some data entry to be done with this list. Any time I am not entering the data, the list is to be kept in the folder. If I walk away from my desk, the folder is to be kept in a drawer. If you've never done it, data entry is pretty mentally dull. The mind wanders.

When my mind wandered I noticed that some of the email addresses are not work email addresses, but personal ones. My gay boss is very out. I know, because we had a talk about it, when I had to call someone and out him, and wanted to confirm this was okay to do. Our sub-tenant is a branch of a law firm that includes one lesbian lawyer and one gay lawyer.

In my office, everyone is out. Very out. Lots of very un-PC gay jokes are made on a regular basis. Seeing this list, where some people used their personal email addresses rather than their professional ones was a stark reminder that not all the gay people are out. When I noticed this, I looked at the locations of the people using personal email addresses to see if my guess was correct. It was - all the people who used them happen to live in the very Republican, conservative area of the state.

Whenever I hear of somebody gay who isn't out I want to encourage them to move to San Francisco. Irrationally, I think since I'm straight the right thing to do would be to move out so there's room for the gay people. They need this city more than I do. But the issue isn't that there isn't enough room. I don't know what the issue is (though this being a super expensive city probably has something to do with it). Probably can't presume that all gay people have the same reasons for not moving to a more gay-friendly place than wherever they live.

Winning Through Jewish Geography

Here's how Jewish Geography works:

Jewish Person #1: You're from NY? Me too!
Jewish Person #2: Oh, that's so funny! What part?
JP #1: Woodbury, you?
JP #2: Five Towns, and my best friend was from Syosset.
JP #1: Really? What year did she graduate?
JP #2: In '94. Melissa Cohen/Rubin/Goldstein/Goldman/Goldberg/Blumberg/Bloom
JP #1: Wait, does she have a sister named Lauren?
JP #2: Yes!
JP #1: I know her - we went to camp together! 

At work, our subtenant is a law firm, which so far consists of three people. One of whom seems like a younger, gayer, more awkward, less-funny version of Jerry Seinfeld. Complete with the whiny tone of voice.

He's from the Bay Area, but his family is from Long Island. We started playing Jewish Geography, and within two minutes had found our one degree each of separation. His mother and aunt showed up to see where he worked (the mother made him pose pretending to be on the office phone at his desk while she took a picture), and I'm sure if I'd time to say more than hello to them, we'd have found more connections.

Working For a Friend

You may recall there was some worry about working for a friend. I was especially worried about working for someone who knew I have learning disabilities.

No need to worry here. Two of my learning disabilities have to do with symbols and visual perception. I suck at understanding what a symbol means. Why can't they just write what it means??

Everyone interprets information best in a specific way. Some people want bullet points, some want pie charts, some want an Excel spreadsheet.

This week GQ (thank you!) (this is what we're calling Gay Crush/Boss now) went away on vacation. He's doing work each day though, and yesterday afternoon called me in a panic. He couldn't find a document he desperately needed.

"Can  you go log into my computer and then call me back?"

There is a tiny part of me that cringes every time someone begins to ask me to do something, because I'm terrified my answer will have to be no. No, I don't know how to do that. No, I don't understand what you're asking. No, I can't figure out how to turn on your computer. (That last one is true - I couldn't find the power button. I felt like a total moron.)

When I called GQ back, he wanted me to look on the desktop of his computer for a document he saved there. There were a LOT of documents there. It's all pictures of pieces of paper, with part of the word that saved them as written underneath that. I couldn't find it. I felt bad telling GQ this. There were so many icons I was sure it was there, and I just wasn't seeing it.

He immediately had me pull up a screen that listed the full name of each document on the desktop, in alphabetical order. I can not even express how much easier this was to read. I zipped through the list top to bottom, then bottom to top, then looked at the documents starting with the letter GQ's missing document should have.

My answer changed from, "I don't see it," to "It's not here." It went from me not being able to find something, to knowing it wasn't there to be found.

I don't know how much GQ knows about learning disabilities. Most people who don't have one themselves just know someone who's dyslexic. Or hyper. While I'm a tiny bit dyslexic, and a bit more hyper, neither of those are my problems. I am so grateful to GQ for instantly understanding that I needed to look at the documents a different way, and knowing how to lead me towards that.

P.S. I found the document. It was saved elsewhere.
P.P.S. For some unknown reason, yesterday was an especially retarded day for me.
Example 1: I was trying to download an app onto the iPad GQ gave me. It took three Google searches, help from one friend by text, and help from one random guy in our office suite.
Example 2: Couldn't find the power button to turn on the computer. Had to ask for help.
Example 3: When looking at a dollar amount that said 80 billion dollars, I interpreted it as "80 hundred million dollars." For some reason, my brain stopped in the millions and could not make the leap to billions. So embarrassing.

I once told my mother that while I wouldn't actively pursue it, I'd be interested to see if getting a traumatic brain injury would alter my learning disabilities for the better. She smiled sadly and told me no, no it would not, and explained why. Unfortunately one of my learning disabilities is memory, so I can't remember her explanation. 

Name That Boss!

It's official. I am over having a crush on Gay Crush/Boss. It's evolved into a nice sibling-like relationship. With a really hot brother. We take turns bringing over the mail that's mis-delivered to our firm to the company next door full of hot British guys.

I've had positions before that involve only working for one attorney, but never one where there's only one other person. When you're only dealing with one other person all day, everything becomes very intense. I'm not that internally sensitive, but very sensitive to other people's moods, to the point that I have to remind myself not to absorb their feelings.

Gay Crush/Boss has been very stressed for the last couple of weeks. One of the things I really like about him is that he's so mentally stable. Not like Turkey, who craved drama to the point of creating it. GC's version of stressed is to say to you, "I'm so stressed. Okay, back to work!"

Seems easy, right? And it is. Truly. Though I could feel the stress rolling off GC in waves. I put off ordering some supplies we need. Didn't mention how close he is to bumping up against his credit limit on the company credit card. Made sure to search for promo codes before any purchases.

Then on Thursday, there was a glimmer of hope. The glimmer was supposed to arrive at 5pm. The time my workday ends. I was hanging around the office though, and told GC in no uncertain terms that I wanted to be there for this, but he shouldn't pay me overtime. What good is hiring a friend if they won't help you out sometimes, right? Besides, GC created summer hours, which means from Memorial Day through Labor Day, the firm closes at 3pm on Fridays. So if I "give back" those two hours one week, it's not a big deal.

As if Thursday wasn't enough, on Friday that glimmer turned into ... more than a glimmer. The veil of stress has distinctly lifted. I have a list of things to propose we order. This is such a relief.

You know what else is a big relief? That this is how work problems go now. It's as if we're rational adults who are capable of handling any problems that come up. I never feel like I'm working around GC, like I was with Turkey. There's no manipulation. It's beautiful.

*Whoever comes up with a good name for Gay Crush will win my appreciation, a mention on the blog, plus I'll link to any good cause you like.

Perks!

When Turkey announced he was closing his law firm, I was in a panic at the idea of going through that whole unemployed period again. Everyone kept telling me it wouldn't be like that. They felt it. I didn't feel it. I'm one of those "don't count chickens before they've hatched" people. Apparently I didn't need to feel it though, because everyone else's feelings were right. Thank god for you people and your feelings and your chicken-counting ways.

When Gay Crush and I had our interview, it was interesting. There was no typical interview posturing on either side. He asked if he could give me health insurance through an HMO. I said no; he said okay and wrote down PPO. Health insurance is in the works.

He asked what I made working for Turkey. I told him my salary was $500 a year, but with overtime I earned $550 a year. He offered to pay me $525 a year. When I worked for Turkey the hours were 8:30 to 5:30. Now my hours are 8:30 to 5pm. That half hour makes all the difference. 

Gay Crush wears a t-shirt or polo with dark jeans and dress shoes each day. So I'm wearing jeans and a nice top. Not just on Fridays, but every day. 

"Health and fitness is very important to me, so I'd like to offer you up to $100 a month towards a gym membership of your choosing. Would you be interested in that?" Okay, now if you said that to a future employee and their response was, "Nah, I like being a fat slob," wouldn't you ... second guess your decision to hire them? Maybe they're not so smart after all. So I said yes not only because yay how awesome, but also because I wouldn't respect him if he respected me if I'd rejected the offer. My plan is to start gymming it up as soon as I have health insurance. If you get a call from someone crying and asking you to tell them to suck it up and go to the gym, it's me. 

Gay Crush gave me an iPad! He got a newer generation one and gave me his old one, but still. A real iPad! I am totally going to figure out how to use it just as soon as I get wireless. People keep saying I can download things onto it at work and then use those things at home without the wireless. But I don't know what things they're talking about, and if it's games, well ... I already fuck around enough in my free time. I don't need more easy ways to do that. 

I'm getting business cards. I'll be sending each of you five. You can put one on your refrigerator. When Gay Crush asked me, "Do you think you want business cards?" I asked back, "I don't know. Do you plan on hauling me around anywhere?" He doesn't know. Hey, he flies to NY a lot; I'd be more than happy to be hauled there! Nobody's ever given me business cards, but that makes sense, because legal secretaries really never leave the office. Sometimes people ask for a business card, but you just hand them the attorney's card. 

Another perk is that Gay Crush is ... mentally stable. Like, every time he walks into the office, he's got the exact same personality. He's a generally happy guy. If he gets upset with one person, he doesn't take it out on another, and gets over it quickly. He vents for ten seconds, and then moves on. 

Also, he doesn't have an ego. He left it to me to cut and measure the contact paper for the shelves in the office kitchen, but he would have helped if I'd asked. (I'll be asking tomorrow because I'm too short to reach the higher shelf. Just for placement help though; I'll do all the cutting.) Gay Crush has crawled under desks to get at outlets, picked up desks to access other outlets, etc. He doesn't waste his time, but he doesn't think he's too good to do things that need doing. 

One time many moons ago, on a really hot day, Turkey arrived at the office with a Jamba Juice smoothie in hand. He stopped at my desk to pick up his messages, looked at me sweating under the skylight, and thought out loud, "Oh. I should have asked if you wanted anything." I smiled and said nothing. Yes, that would have been nice. Turkey wasn't that kind of nice. Turkey was the kind of nice where he wouldn't fire you if you were five minutes late coming back from your lunch hour because he made you pick up his lunch on the way back. 

Then there's Gay Crush. Every time he runs out for a coffee, he asks if I want anything. If I said yes, he would refuse to take money from me. We agreed that I will do some personal errands for him, and he always encourages me to take as much time as I need, and reminds me not to use my lunch hour. So far I've bought him conditioner.

So technically, at the end of the year I'll probably have earned less than I did working for Turkey. That's okay though, because it's only $3,000 less for 120 fewer hours per year, and my quality of life has skyrocketed.

End Days Ending Even More!

Silliyak, thank you.

Last week I had lunch with (three different people, on three different days, and then went to a party on the weekend) the new associate from my old firm. The one from the Midwest. She's at the new firm with Turkey.

As of last Friday, almost two and a half months after working with him, Turkey's new secretary refused to work with him any longer. I am trying to not take too much happiness in this as I fear it's bad karma, but to be honest ... ha ha.

As for me? Gay Crush offered me a job a week and a half after my last day of working for Turkey. Yes. I know. !!! For a month and a half I worked from home while the new office was under construction. I am Gay Crush's first full-time employee ever. I am nervous for him. He literally has to cut his salary in order to pay mine. Luckily though, he is super busy and has a lot of client work. Yesterday he talked about billing out my time. As a legal assistant. Um, okay I guess. If the clients will pay for me to do all the same stuff I usually do as a legal secretary, then why not? (You may be wondering why they would pay if this is what I normally do. The answer is, the clients don't really know I exist yet - they're used to Gay Crush being a solo operation which means they're used to paying for him to do everything they need. So from their point of view, they can either pay $325 an hour for GC to print out and organize multiple contracts, or $100 an hour for me to do it. I'm just saying that at other firms, I do that type of thing for free.)

I am trying hard to get over my gay crush on Gay Crush, because it's not productive to have a gay crush on your boss. He will need a new blog name once I've accomplished that.

Hey, want to hear a story? Once upon a time, back when I worked in New York, I went to my boss and told her I would like more work, that I didn't have enough to do. When coworkers found out I'd done that, they said that was wrong, that one NEVER tells their boss that. I felt sure I'd done the right thing. I wanted more to do. Yeah, it turned out they were right. My boss gave me more, so much more in fact, that it was too much. Granted, she gave me one task that involved being tethered to my desk and one that required walking around the department floor, two things you can't do simultaneously. Maybe she just picked the wrong thing to give me to do as extra work.

Ever since then though, I have never ever made that mistake again in case it turned out the same way. I just screw around online pretending to be busy while waiting for more work.

Working with Gay Crush is different. We had what we called "an interview" but really it was just 15 minutes of sitting down and seriously talking about how it would be to work together. I told him, "I've never worked with a friend before, and as a friend, I've told you things I wouldn't ever tell an employer, and I'm not sure how that will work out ..." Gay Crush nodded and confessed he'd thought the same thing. To which I thought, "Really?! What did you tell me that you consider a secret? I'm so excited! What do I know?"

Basically we agreed that we have a lovely friendship and we are both good people who are direct, and we will simply talk about any issues that come up before they turn into something big. When I made my initial statement I was referring to him knowing about my learning disabilities. So far it's been fine. Last week we had to have computer training for a new program. Together. Over the phone with a third party (in England! with an accent! ask me to say repository!). The training was an hour long, and to be honest after about 35 minutes I was finished. I kept finding myself not paying attention. I worried. What if Gay Crush later got frustrated with me because he'd think I should know something since he knew it and I was with him when he learned it?

But I jotted down questions, and it turned out we had very similar ones, and that we also had the same concerns with the program. I think it's working out fine. Maybe I'm not quite as stupid as I think.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon Gay Crush asked, "I'm keeping you busy enough, right?" and since we're having this super honest relationship, I broke my own rule, and told him, "No." He seemed surprised, and confirmed, "No?!" I smiled gently. "I've kind of been spreading things out. It seems like we're in a holding pattern until I have access to the client network." Um, and until we've ordered folders so I can file all the random paperwork you've tossed at me. Hopefully I didn't just screw myself by being this honest. We shall see.

Let's Talk About My Gay Crush

My Gay Crush is so, so pretty. I was able to get a friend hired at Turkey & Associates to help with boxing up files so she was there today when he stopped by. She agreed that he's pretty.

Did I tell you about the present he gave me? A while back he went to Manhattan for a week, and while he was there, went to a fancy candle shop and created a candle with a scent he had them make from a feminized version of his cologne (which, hilariously, he assured me he gets a lot of compliments on), that came with a label that had my name on it and everything.

Also, he insisted I send him my resume, as he is contracting at a lovely firm that I'd be happy to work at, and within four hours of my sending the resume to him, he'd submitted it to the firm. If only all networking could be this easy.

Because we are shutting down the firm, Turkey's Personal Assistant (in case you're keeping track, in the less than two years I've worked for him, there have been four) has been spending a lot more time in the office doing moving things. All the subtenants have to move out, including Gay Crush, who really just keeps his furniture there since Baby Lawyer's been using it, but when he was told this is happening, he ordered a shipment of boxes so he could box up his stuff to move. PA ordered boxes too. Boxes came and she used three before it was discovered they were GC's. We apologized and I promised when ours came we would give him three. I decided to move his boxes out of the sunken living room and into GC's office (behind a locked door) so that the same mistake couldn't happen again, and PA said to me with a smile, "Just grab one more!" Um, that's stealing. Are you freaking crazy? I was only able to give GC two of our boxes, so tossed in a ream of paper as a substitute. I didn't tell the PA I did that, because she has this attitude that Turkey is the most important person around. Which I understand - he's the one who signs her checks, but it's still quite uncool to blatantly steal from someone. 

Turkey wants me to sign a release in exchange for giving me severance. GC encouraged me to let him look it over. Firstly, I've worked with Turkey for almost two years, and he still can't spell my last name right. Yogurt does NOT have two T's! Secondly, there are blanks in the most important parts (where it says how many weeks of severance I get) and the release is unsigned. Part of the release says that I am required to sign within seven days of being given this thing. Oh wait - that's only if I'm under 40. If I'm over 40, then I get 21 days. How is that not age discrimination? Also, I am allowed to discuss the release with nobody except (whoopsie!) my spouse or domestic partner. So again, discrimination, this time against single people. Wow, and the thing is only like two and a half pages!

Clearly I'm ignoring that shit. I forwarded the release to Gay Crush pointing out the two issues I had with it, and he agreed and pointed out a third. You know what makes me a little uncomfortable about my friendship with him? Every time we go to lunch, he insists on paying. He's a mensch that way, and it's gentlemanly and sweet and appreciated. But. He always waves me off, even when I ask to leave the tip, claiming I help him out so much, lunch is the least he can do. Except ... he's helped me a lot lately. It's at the point where I'm kind of tempted to slip the waitstaff my credit card when GC isn't looking and simply beat him to paying the bill. Though I know a few people who would get horribly bent out of shape at somebody doing that, so I don't know.

Lastly, Gay Crush recently wore dark jeans, a button-down checked shirt, a sweater-vest, a tie, and designer sunglasses. If Robert Palmer decided to bring back the videos with a slew of girls all dressed the same except switched out girls for guys, Gay Crush would totally get a prime spot.

The Karma Executioner

The Turkey is tough to work with. He leaves you unsure if you're coming or going. You prepare for a meeting, and somehow wind up getting in trouble. He comes to talk to you about a client, then leaves abruptly in the middle of the discussion, then comes back to ask why you haven't done something else. Um, because you forgot to assign it to me?

On Tuesday we were scheduled to have a staff meeting at 9:30. I arrived at work, promptly printed out our client status sheet that gets reviewed at these meetings, made copies for everyone, and considered myself ready. Turkey did not arrive at the office until slightly after 11am. By that time, everyone had given up on the staff meeting and gone on to do other work. At ten after the hour, Turkey was in the office. He walked around telling everyone we were going to start our meeting now. People were deep in the middle of documents, on the phone with clients, etc. It took a few minutes for everyone to find a stopping point and gather in the conference room. When we got there, Turkey yelled at all of us about how disappointed he was that we weren't all prepared and timely.

One of my coworkers mentioned the feeling of being spun in circles with a blindfold on, multiple times, and then being told to walk a straight line - that feeling of not knowing what direction is straight, not knowing where to aim for first.

Today I had five calls scheduled for Turkey in the afternoon. I rarely know how long each call will take, so I guess and hope for the best. If I know for sure something will turn into a long call, I schedule that one last. This afternoon Turkey showed up for the day around 2:45pm (he had two lunches to go to today, yes two, and no, that's not usual - it's the first time he had two in one day). For the following two hours I kept that man running. Whatever he was doing, I was in his face, holding up a post-it, interrupting to tell him someone was on hold, reminding him a client was expecting his call eight minutes earlier. At one point, Turkey stood outside his office and turned in a slow circle, unsure of what direction to go in. Should he go back in the WASP's office to finish his conversation with her? Meet with the Office Manager to get payroll in on time (yes)? Go pick up the phone?

Our Baby Lawyer saw it and laughed. She told me it was great that he was finally feeling today the way he makes all of us feel on a regular basis. The phrase she used was "karma executioner" when saying how nice it was to see him getting a taste of his own medicine.

We Will Not Step Over Him

(Encyclopedia_Brown, thank you, that was very sweet.)

So Turkey fired the Sub. In a weird twist of what-the-fuckness, the Sub claimed to Turkey and Office Manager (who was there as a witness) that I was trying to sabotage his job. Turkey has clearly been drinking the Green Kool Aid because according to Office Manager, totally stood up for me and was all, "Green would NEVER do that! She has tried over and over to help you!" Which is true. I did try to help him as much as I could. I'm touched that Turkey knew.

Now we're working on getting a new Personal Assistant. Turkey is interviewing someone tomorrow. At his country home (which he's at for the week). I am terrified this poor girl will show up at his house and Turkey will be naked, save for socks, in the pool. By the way, Turkey is very scatter-brained. He decided to spend the first week of each summer month at his country home. I decided, why stop there? So I scheduled him to go there through the rest of the year for the first week of every month. Let's see what happens!

Anyway. I got outrageously stressed out about the Sub being fired. I almost called in sick the day it was going to happen. The PA and Sub are good friends. Turkey's been having the PA work from home so today was the first time she showed up at the office in almost a month. She tried to tell me that if I get the chance, I should go to Burning Man. Ha ha ha! Clearly she doesn't know me at ALL.

The good thing about her showing up at the office though, was that she told me the Sub was given two weeks severance pay, and a week after being fired he got another job. He really deserved to be let go. I felt bad about it so it was quite a relief to hear he found work so easily. Whenever I hear about anyone being out of work I am instantly terrified for them that they will go through what I did, and have to stifle the urge to ask if they need some tampons or toothpaste.

Fun With Bosses!

We have sub-tenants. I do stuff for them. Sometimes I am asked to do stuff for them that falls outside of the parameters of what is appropriate. That happened Thursday. I spoke with Office Manager about it. He in turn, spoke with Turkey about it. And then this happened Friday! That check is gonna be sooooo big!
 

From: Turkey Lawyerstein
Sent: Friday, August 10, 2012 10:30 AM
To: Green Yogurt
Subject: Sub-tenant

I was going to call him this afternoon.  Before I do,  I want to make sure I am assuming things correctly.  I assume that this is not about money, but the frustration.  And not sure that money makes up for the frustration.   I only ask because the previous person at your desk said she would put up with the frustration if my subtenant paid her for very limited duties such as reception, sorting mail, greeting guests  asking them if they want a beverage.    And my subtenant gladly did so.      Please tell me if you feel the same way as the recent person, as I do not want to deprive you of an opportunity if you want one.

 

		From: Green Yogurt Sent: Friday, August 10, 2012 1:32 PM To: Turkey Lawyerstein Subject: Sub-tenant

There are two separate issues.

1.      What Office Manager discussed with you yesterday, and what I have been forced to pull you in to deal with on a couple of occasions – when clients of Sub-tenant are interrupting me to ask questions about their case, asking me to make voluminous photocopies for them, asking me to write or review a check for them, asking a question about their opposing party, etc. There are already five employees of Lawyerstein & Associates breaking my concentration multiple times a day to ask me questions, give me work, etc. In addition to that the phones are often very busy.  There are also deliveries coming in throughout the day, plus people coming to me to ask other coworkers’ schedules, coworkers informing me when office machinery has broken down, etc. On top of all that, I am trying to get filing done, create closing binders, help train someone with zero legal and little office experience, fix mistakes made by the personal assistant, update various lists we keep, and a myriad of other duties.  I am often rushing to complete assignments for you within a reasonable timeframe, and simply do not have time to stop my work to stand in front of the copy machine un-stapling documents to copy and re-compile them for subtenants’ clients.  Making a quick copy of one check is understandable, but having to spend ten or more minutes at the copier during a busy time of day is very difficult. Having to take time away from my work for you to explain to a Sub-tenant client why it would be unethical or create liability issues for me to review checks or documents, or answer questions is both time-consuming and stressful (due to having to deal with the client’s unhappiness with my inability to do what they want). 

2.      In your email below you write that the person in my position previously would put up with frustration related to limited duties such as reception, sorting mail, greeting guests and asking if they want a beverage because your subtenant paid them to do that.  I HAVE BEEN DOING ALL OF THOSE THINGS FOR OVER A YEAR WITHOUT REIMBURSEMENT FROM THE SUBTENANTS.  When I started working here, it was implied that doing the above tasks was simply part of my job.  Based on what you say below however, that is not the case, so I am requested to be paid retroactively for the year-plus of doing these tasks.  These tasks, in addition to reserving the conference rooms for subtenants, is not at all a problem.  The problem is when the clients of subtenants come to the office and take up my time by asking questions, discussing their surprise at finding out that nobody from Sub-tenant is here for them to talk with, requesting I review or copy documents, etc. It seems that Sub-tenant clients are led to believe there is a full office here, with Sub-tenant attorneys, their files, and staff of whom they can ask questions.  Obviously this is not the case, but I am the person who has to break this news and then deal with their disappointment, confusion and questions, all of which is time-consuming.

Thank you for taking the time to address this issue.  

Now guys,  that paragraph where Turkey is emailing to me? All I changed were the proper nouns. Sentence structure, punctuation, spacing, etc. All his. To be honest, that's one of his best emails. If you took out the extra spaces and the "And"'s that start two sentences it would practically pass as a paragraph written by someone with an Ivy League education. In case you were wondering, Turkey wrote back to me (he was out of the office last week) suggesting that we discuss this "live" on Monday. I can't wait. Oh, and here's a fun tidbit: Sub-tenant never paid the person in my position previously. That's right, Turkey lied. Poor Turkey was a bit delirious yesterday. He was out of town at his country home (in the country), and told me that on Thursday it was 105 degrees. He's been doing a lot of construction on his home, and I joked, "Project number one: Air conditioning!" and Turkey responded, "Oh no. That's too expensive. I have a fan. But I can't figure out how to put it together." On Friday he still hadn't gotten the fan going.  Sometimes these blog posts practically write themselves. 

From Scratch

So that guy who was brought in as the substitute for Nicki, Turkey's personal assistant? (Oh my god, the stairs are right outside my apartment door and while I was typing the previous sentence I heard someone clomping up them and then, they tripped! Tripped!)

Oh wait. Remember how I told you that the PA was being fired? Like, at least a month ago? Well, she's still here. As of right now, she's been demoted. Her hours have been slashed in half. Office Manager is not normally the type, but on Tuesday he totally told Turkey a true tale about how the PA does lots of personal work while she's on the clock and it offends him.

Now you may think that's lame, but the thing is, everyone surfs the web while at work. Everyone makes a personal call every so often. The key is that you are quiet about it. You close the screen when somebody walks over. You only make personal calls when the office is quiet and nobody will need you. Anyway. So the PA has been demoted, and meanwhile, that substitute guy is still here.

Turkey likes him. Swear to god, Turkey commented on his body to his face just this past week. We don't really need the Sub, but Turkey thinks he could prove useful eventually, so he's keeping him around, and calling him the firm's Client Development Manager. Sub's  real job is being a professional fundraiser for a specific type of company. I didn't even know that was a thing, did you? Sub skipped his high school graduation to leave for Europe, and didn't come back for about 13 years. So it's great that he's tri-lingual, but bad that he's got no American office experience.

This is the guy who thought it was okay to send out a letter to a client folded in quarters. It's not. This is the guy who took a phone message but didn't include the date or time. This is the guy who is expected at work at 9am and has never once shown up before 9:10am. Also the guy who thought it was okay to send out solicitation letters to potential clients from Turkey, without having Turkey actually sign them.

To be fair, Turkey wants everyone to take initiative. Sub understood that to mean he didn't need to show Turkey the letters before they went out. He was wrong. Turkey wants people to take initiative by like, seeing that something needs to be done, and getting it done perfectly. Office Manager, Turkey and I all had a big meeting about Sub, and it has been determined that he is not stupid, he just has little office experience, no law firm experience, and no American office experience.

So while he knows how to say, re-fill a stapler, he doesn't know if a multi-page letter being given to Turkey for editing should be stapled or paper-clipped. (The answer is paper-clipped - Turkey hands back each page as he's edited it.) All this to say that come Monday, I will be trying to break down how one works in an office to the Sub.

I love training people. Not saying this to brag, but I'm excellent at it. I can turn anyone with a bit of intelligence into at least as a good a legal secretary as I am. This training will be a bit different though. I've never trained someone who's starting from zero. And I've got to find a way to do it without offending him. Monday is going to be interesting! (And, based on past experience, it'll also make my throat hurt from talking so much.)