All Over the Board

1. About half a year ago, I noticed the beautiful salads the San Francisco Soup Company sells. So many people were happily eating them. They looked so pretty. So I got one. Then you know what else I got? Violently ill. That's right, the beautiful salad tried to kill me. I was so sad. For months I watched the happy people munching their pretty salads, wishing I could be one of them, knowing I wouldn't survive an attempted murder twice.
   
   This week I've been a little crazy, and today I decided to try the salad again. Let me tell you, they were just as beautiful today as they've been when the salads are in front of other people. The grass was just as green for me! It's now seven hours later, and I feel fine, so it seems like the first time was just an unfortunate fluke.
   
2. This may come as a shock to some of you, but GQ, my gay boss, is gay. I know! Anyway, one of our sub-tenant people was back in the office today after having gone camping for a long weekend. He and GQ were talking, and GQ asked where the guy went camping. They talked about location, and then I heard the sub-tenant say something about not being "too close to the homos or the meth-heads." Ever see those movies where someone's head dramatically jerks up and their eyes get wide? That was me.
   
   GQ didn't react at all to it, so I kept my mouth shut. Is it possible he missed it? GQ's been gay for like, his whole life, so maybe he worked out decades ago how to deal with comments like that?
   
3. Speaking of GQ! Recently, he and the other attorneys in our suite got their photos professionally done, for their respective websites. The photographer came to our office twice, and had zero sense of humor. One of the attorneys said, "One or two shots should be enough to capture my beauty," and the photographer was all, "What?!?! But how will I ... only two shots?!?! Blarphen?!?@?!" and we had to tell her she was joking. The photographer promptly developed a huge crush on GQ. To say she was disappointed would be a huge understatement. Her whole face fell, and she asked me a thousand questions about where he was.
   
4. The new season of Dancing With the Stars has begun this week, and the two people I was interested in seeing were Leah Remini and Snookie. I don't think Leah Remini is particularly smart, but she's funny. Sadly, it doesn't seem like she'll go far on this season. Girl can't dance. Plus she's very uncomfortable with her body (see: Amber Riley). Snookie however, can apparently dance. Shocker!

Snippets of Ramblings

- There's a heatwave going on in the Bay Area these days, and as a result the temperature never dipped below 85 in my apartment last night. Combined with the fact that my fan makes a horrid and loud squeaking sound, I never got into a deep sleep last night, and have been awake since 5am.

- One of my favorite shows, Dancing With the Stars, has recently started their 11th season. Jennifer Grey, most famous for not being put in a corner, is on the show. At first I was really, really excited. Can you imagine how great a dancer you'd be if you'd been informally (yet, kind of formally) trained for three months or so by Patrick Swayze, a professional dancer?

I was so excited. I wanted Jennifer Grey to win. Then last week, DWTS showed her crying. It was understandable - I mean, they had her dancing to a song in the soundtrack of the movie that really put her on the map. The movie that also really put her co-star on the map, the same co-star who died a year ago. So Jennifer kind of had a pass for that one, in my book.

Then this week in rehearsals, they show the clip of her explaining how she had cancer and needed multiple neck surgeries, complete with a closeup of her scars on the back of her neck/spinal column. Because I'm still rooting for Jennifer, I was a little disappointed, but hoped this would be the last of the drama. I think it's really important for an actor to understand that there's a time and a place to roll out the drama.

Jennifer and Derek did their dance, a jive, and it was ... solidly great. But here's what bothered me: they had what? a week? to learn this dance. At least a week. I assure you, that when you are doing a dance performance, you do it many, many times in rehearsals. Even once you've gotten it perfect, you just keep repeating it. Muscle memory counts for a lot. So I was a little confused as to why Jennifer was so out of breath that she had to sit/lay down on the dance floor immediately following that dance. It struck me as a little dramatic. A little too much. While I love her dancing (doesn't she look great for 50?), I am not loving all this drama.

Dear Jenners, Please do not let me find out you are putting on these histrionics for votes, and let your dancing speak for itself. It's good enough, and you don't need anything else but that, to shine through. Kthxbai.

- A year or so ago, I applied for a job working for the City of San Francisco. It's in a completely different field from what I do now, and I was intrigued because it pays pretty much the same salary, and I'm actually qualified. Well, not exactly, because I suppose if I were qualified I'd have the job, but I was qualified to apply. I sailed through the first interview, but then failed the second. Luckily, I was able to review what went wrong, and even more luckily, it just has to do with presentation, rather than substance. The City's rule for that position is that you have to wait six months to reapply. I not-so-patiently waited six months, only to find out they'd stopped accepting applications for the position. Crushed. But! Yesterday I saw they're again taking applications, so I am pulling all my paperwork together to apply once more. I don't get hopeful anymore, but as much as I do, I am.

Please bow your heads, for a moment of

HAPPINESS IN A TRAIN STATION! Jennie, why do I feel confident you will know where this takes place?

I know Improv Everywhere is ... well, everywhere, but are they really oversees?

SYTYCD - I Want to Marry Joshua

Chelsie seems like she's got a new confidence now that Kherrington is gone. Comfort has GOT to go. Surely she's getting kicked off, right? And, is it me, or does Comfort have weird posture? Not weird exactly, but ... not proper posture for a dancer.

You know what's funny? (Now, the psychoanalysis portion of the post.) I think they made it crystal clear to Comfort that she needed to lose the attitude. Somewhat impressively, Comfort has actually tried to do that. However, does anyone else think that in her efforts to squash the attitude, her confidence has plummeted? It's as if she only has confidence when she's giving off attitude.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

For you, Mama Nabi. And just know I feel exactly the same way when I go to check your blog. "What is she DOING over there?! Write, already! Doesn't she know I'm bored?!"

SYTYCD: Comfort Makes Me Uncomfortable

Comfort - you have no heart whatsoever. If you were an accountant or something, that would be fine. But you can not have a creativity-based profession and have no heart, no spark. Your eyes are dead. I truly hope you are voted off so you can go become something that requires no fire at all.

Katee & Joshua - you're both fabulous. Mostly you, Joshua. But really, these are people who are loving their craft. Individually and as a team, they're great. To see them tonight, a black man, an Asian woman, performing this ... Bollywoodesque dance, fantastically ... how can we have things like this going on, and yet still have people thinking this country is not ready for a black president?

Thayne - good work, keep it up. I just want to point out that Thayne is 27. Not only that, but he didn't start dancing until he was 21.

Oh Kherington. That's all.

Snippets

Sitting on crowded bus yesterday. Next to me is an Asian baby and mama. The baby keeps poking me and then hiding her eyes. I hold out my finger like I'm going to poke her, and she squeals with laughter. When it's my stop people won't move out of the way for me to get off the bus. All of a sudden the mama is yelling in another language and the sea of people part.

Bad seats at the Curran Theatre are still good enough to love the show. My cheeks still hurt this morning from smiling so hard last night.

Heatwave. It's hot. You know the rest.

I am totally thrown off by Italians who are not from New York (and not, you know, from Italy).

BlogHer is soon - this weekend, maybe. It's blocks from my house. I wish it were over already so people would blog about other things finally.

I've been asked about my availability through the fall. When I told the floater coordinator I'd be happy to work through the fall, her response was "Yipee!" I would be thrilled to work here permanently.

Have barely seen 9am lately - now on his hardcore studying regime of four hours a day to prepare for the Bar.

My much loved* iPod seems to be broken. It won't turn on. Last time this happened the battery had run out but I tried charging it overnight to no avail. I'll be visiting the Apple store soon. Please think fixable thoughts for me.

*If you haven't read how I came to have an iPod, please read this. It's the most awesome thing ever.

It's Supposed To Make Us Happy

And yet, every single time, I cry. I believe wholeheartedly in mourning and that the mourning process should take however long it takes for each person who goes through it.

It was thirteen years ago that I re-learned to walk. And it was the next year, 1996, when I ran for the first time, with my physical therapist's blessing. I didn't run far, my sprint was less than an eighth of a mile - just enough to reassure myself it was possible. A year after I'd been collapsing in a heap on the floor, I was walking into the local Y to sign up for a dance class. To make sure I still had it.

It was a slow realization. Dance classes are lead by dance teachers. I had no trouble following along. I thought I had it. My body had come back to me. My physical therapist had done a great job. Except when it was time to freestyle. And I froze.

What do I do? Dance! I don't know how. How can you not know how to move when the music inspires movement? That can't be possible. And yet, that's where I still am.

Is it still being in mourning, 12 years after that realization, if I cry when dancing comes up? I have watched this video numerous times over the last couple of years. Every time, the same reaction. Tears.

All those people dancing with him. They do it wrong. They don't do his stupid bullshit jig correctly. And yet they don't care. They just dance. They are happy.

People who can't dance, dance, and they are happy. I can dance better than they can, but I can't freestyle, and I freeze. I am jealous of people who can't dance, because they can dance and I can't.

Where is Stephanie B, because she could put another kid through college therapizing this one.

Oh, Jesus!

So I posted about Melissa Scott a couple of days ago and today when looking at my stats, checked what sites are leading people to my blog.

I saw a couple of sites I didn't recognize, so I clicked on them. And I think this guy is trying to start a little rumble here. He's accused me of having PMS. I mean, of writing what I did because of PMS. In not one, but TWO places! But. I did a little further investigating, and it turns out that this guy is not very imaginative. He seems to accuse others of having PMS.

Hi Fredrick [last name removed so I do not prevent you from getting jobs*], how's the weather in Amsterdam these days? I see you work in the legal industry too; hope they don't have the ego issues there many attorneys here are accused of having.

Perhaps you did not read a post I wrote a while back, about how I feel when someone assumes any emotion by a woman should be attributed to PMS? In case you missed it, it offends me. But I'm not going to waste my time getting into it with you, as you seem like the type to not actually argue your point, but to make fun of someone's outfit or something equally immature.

Fredrick, sorry your plan to get people all riled up about what I wrote doesn't seem to have worked. Maybe next time. Hey, while we're talking .... nah, never mind - you're not worth the time.

*Due to a couple of comments, Fredrick's last name has been removed from this post.

*********************************************
So You Think You Can Dance is on everybody! Tonight they're announcing the top twenty dancers and I'll start writing all about it in the coming days/weeks. If somebody knows, please tell me what happened to Nigel's hand or wrist. Thank you. Oh and by the way, Britain's got talent too.

I Think I *Can* Dance!

How exciting! I even had Le Pooch watching attentively. Was it me, or was Mary Murphy not screaming and carrying on as much as she normally does?

You know what I think of when I see her? A woman from the Midwest, who came out to the "big city" to "make it big" and saw a lot of things that maybe she didn't understand, didn't agree with, whatever, but she acts overly enthusiastic to cover that up, so people will never turn and say, "Hey. Mary's not into that. She sucks. Go back to OHIO where you came from, Mary!"

Apparently Grey's Anatomy had its season finale tonight, and it was a two-hour deal. For some weird reason I got it into my head that SYTYCD would also be two hours, and I swear that I felt the disappointment in my heart when it ended at 10 pm.

No Applause Please

Do I know my shit or do I know my shit? Some people say, "Those who can, do, and those who can't, teach." I say, "Those who can should do, but those who can't anymore, should feel free to sit on their couches and judge reality television shows."

So You Think You Can Dance starts later this week, and I can't wait!

My Friend Thinks Michael DeLorenzo Is Gay. Discuss.

To say I loved this show as a little kid would be an outrageous understatement. It slammed into my chest and took my breathe away. I was six when the tv show followed the movie, and immediately fell in love. (I can not help but wonder what a shrink would say if they knew that in my imagination, at night when I was in bed, I was convinced that the kids from Fame turned into 'bad guys' who lived underneath my bed and if any part of my body went over the edge, they would grab me and drag me into their horrid world underneath my bedroom.)

I wanted to BE Coco. Never Doris Schwartz, the white jewish girl, or Julie Miller, but Coco Hernandez. Go figure. I nearly shat myself when my mother told me that the school the Fame kids went to was a real school, only a train ride away in Manhattan.

It's not that I had all the record albums. It's that I had every single song memorized. Thanks to Netflix, this weekend I watched the first ten episodes of the first season of the show. Turns out I still have all the songs memorized, from Desdemona to High Fidelity.

If you've ever done this, you may have noticed that when you are 31 and watch a show you used to watch at ages six and seven, you pick up on different things. First of all, a surprising number of the men had perms. What's up, Lee Curreri? Second of all, most of the actors actually attended high schools for the performing arts (yes, there's more than one). These days if an actor has to play the part of a soldier they go to boot camp for three weeks. Surfer? Surfing lessons for a month. Not with Fame. All the major actors on the show truly were performers.

Third, the weight. This shocked me so much last night that it's getting its own paragraph. Obviously in the Fame show, there's a hell of a lot of dancing. Thus, a lot of dancers. Sure, Coco was tall and skinny. But there were girls cast on this show in the 80's who were AVERAGE WEIGHT. It blew my mind. Not only were there average weight girls on this show (who today would be considered fat), but they were cast as average people. They weren't cast to act in "a very special episode of Blossom" about weight or eating disorders. That just never happens these days. It should, and it's really sad that it doesn't. There are parents out there now who wonder why their daughters have body image issues. They should be forced to sit down and watch a season of Fame.

Fourth, the relationship between student and teacher. I want to start out by explaining to those of you who may not have seen the show (I can't imagine anyone hasn't seen Fame; it should be required viewing) that the school was portrayed as ground-breakingly different. In real life, there was a school for the performing arts in Manhattan as far back as the 1930's, though the real LaGuardia High didn't open until 1984 (it combined two performing arts high schools). On the show, they tried to give the impression that families relocated from other parts of the country so their teenagers could attend the school. That went over my head as a little girl.

I do recall that Lydia went to a student's house to check on him. But this time around I saw that Leroy camped out on the steps to Sherwood's building when he wanted her to tutor him. She came up the street, saw him and stopped, he grinned, she grinned back and invited him in for coffee. With all our stalking and password protecting information, can you imagine the fallout if a student showed up at a teacher's house these days? I once ran into my marketing teacher outside of the Gap - it was horrifying.

Know what else I missed? The fact that Gene Anthony Ray was flamingly gay. I watch now and see the way he walked and heard the way he spoke, and it's glaringly obvious. Back then? Didn't notice a thing. He died at age 41, which breaks my heart. I saw an interview with him a few months before his death. He was completely high, stumbling around Europe, clearly unwell. To see him like that, when you know how insanely talented this guy was...

Lastly, something else that went over my head as a six year-old were the racial issues raised in the show. If you recall any other show in 1982 dealing with racism directly (that was not a documentary) please let me know.

I encourage everyone to put Fame in your Netflix queue to re-watch it. Even if you don't care about dancing. At the very least you'll be rolling on the floor at Michael DeLorenzo's perm and Leroy's white socks pulled up to the knee with the wide stripes. Never mind the short-shorts.

Girlie Dancing (Live Blogging)

Shannon Elizabeth: I think Derek has a bit of a crush on her. I greatly dislike her outfit, the song, and their dance. Shannon needs to go to a salsa club to learn how to move her hips. In addition, Shannon needs to up her cardio game, since she seems incapable of catching her breath. Also, wasn't this a cha-cha-cha? Where the fuck was the cha-cha-cha-ing? However, Carie Ann gave a huge compliment that should not be overlooked when she said, "Nothing shook." (MN, she played the Russian exchange student in American Pie, and was also famous for marrying (and then divorcing) a very ugly guy.)

Monica Seles: I think she will be one of the first women to go home. I'm just putting that out there. Is Monica the one married to Andre? I used to have a HUGE crush on him. Like, whatever you're imagining, triple it. Oh! Look at her shoes - she is not wearing heels! Jesus, this is painful to watch. I give her partner a lot of credit - he has done everything in his power to hide the fact that she sucks. Monica does not suck at acting though. Watch the judges try to be kind in their critique. Awww... she has that look on her face that I recognize - how soon can I get away to cry in private? (MN, she is a famous tennis player.)

Marissa Jaret Winokur: First, I should apologize for confusing her with Nikki Blonsky. At least I got the Broadway show right, right? Second, she had cervical cancer and is recovered now. I just wanted that noted. I also want to tell people who don't know that fat girls can be light on their feet. It has nothing to do with how much you weight; it's all about how you carry yourself. I can float down a flight of stairs next to a 95lb woman who clomps down the same stairs next to me.

Oh my god she looks like so much fun. I want to invite her over and go skipping down the street with her holding hands. And you could tell Tony, her partner, was all, "Shit, I can't believe they stuck me with the fat girl!" but then when he met her he was like, "Wow, she's awesome, I'm so lucky!" And you are Tony. You ARE lucky. Did everyone catch Ricki Lake in the audience? Okay good. (MN, she was the star of the Broadway show Hairspray. Years ago, Ricki Lake played the same character that Marissa played.)

Priscilla Presley: I just want to point out that she is a grandmother. She is this season's Kelly Taylor with the nervousness. It makes me sad when I see someone who can truly dance but they're holding back because of nervousness. I think she has great potential. (MN, she is an actress but is most famous for having been married to Elvis Presley. I believe one of her grandchildren was in the audience.)

Kristi Yamaguchi: I think she's got real potential to win. I'm eager to see if she wears that locket on the red string that she always wore on the ice. Nope, guess she's over that phase. Kristi does not disappoint - in all the places it'd be easy to screw up, I look to see if she is, and she's not. She kept her posture almost the whole time, she didn't drop the back elbow, it was fabulous. Kristi is a major contender. 27! Obviously the judges agree with me. Smart judges. (MN, Kristi is an Olympic figure skater.)

Marlee Matlin: See now I wonder if she would do better (however well she does) by dancing barefoot. I recall reading about how deaf people can feel the vibrations through the floor, which is why I thought of this. There used to be a cute deaf kid on my bus when I was in high school. My aunt had given me a sign language book and I used it to teach myself the ASL alphabet to communicate with the cute boy. Ever since, I've kind of had a soft spot for the deaf community.

Ohh, this is such a great dance song! Though I am not digging this version - it's slightly slowed down. Marlee did great, and I think she will do even better next week (obviously America is not going to vote off the deaf chick) when she's less nervous. You can really tell Marlee loves to dance. (MN, she's an actress who is deaf.)

You'd think with how much I am in love with dancing I'd be voting and calling everyone I know to talk them into voting also, but I have actually never voted for any of these shows. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't vote (for Marissa or Kristi).

Seriously, my heartrate is over 100 right now, and I have to get up early tomorrow morning. There's no way I will be able to calm down enough to go to bed at 11 p.m. Do you think that when I'm like 92 I'll still be hyper?

Dancing With the Stars is Back!

Was that Nikki Blonksi I saw? You know, Penn (of and Teller) was not half bad!

As bad as Adam Carolla was, I think he has potential. His problem is, he doesn't have a competitive bone in his body (well, until Matt Damon starts fucking his girlfriend). If he somehow gets a fire lit under his ass, I think he'll improve dramatically. Incidentally I read a blurb by Julianne where she says she's a virgin. Virgin! I thought she was schtupping Helio and that's why he got divorced! No?

I could really see Kristi winning this season. This is going to be an awesome season. In the future, I'll try to do proper posts for the show.

We're Watchin Dance Wars - Who's With Me?

Live blogging tonight. Let's see how it goes.

Late start tonight, due to roommate interviews. I met a guy who I used to see at fucking yoga sometimes. I think he had a stroke - he walks with a limp and shook my hand with his left hand. The whole left side of his body is very clearly favored. He's not going to take the place - he said he's uncomfortable with the elevator aspect of it. That's fine with me - it was only 20 minutes out of my evening and now when I go back to yoga, I'll know somebody's name other than the yogis. Speaking of which, I know people are waiting for me to go back, but until my respiratory problems clear up, I must wait.

Black blazer boy group - I was not thrilled with the boy band aspect of it. Also, they were not tight - it was a bit too sloppy. I am a little late tuning in, so I don't know how much time they had to learn the routines.

It's a commercial now, so let's just talk about how awesome Drew Lachey is, especially when you compare him to Ryan Seacrest.

Zack, Tony and Phillip - Zack the dentist is hot. Tony - holy shit how cute is he in that picture in his red feetie pajamas?! I understand that vests are in style right now, I do. Really. But vests look retarded and should not be worn. However, I will not hold this against them as I understand they have no control over their wardrobes.

Max should go home, or the guy who got "overexcited" and screwed up his lines. I hate the dramatic pauses everyone does right before they say anything. Ohhh, Bruno is going to take Zack. Of course. I'd have picked him first too.

Is anyone else bummed that the guy Carrie Ann and Bruno agreed was a new Gene Anthony Ray was not chosen to come through to this round? Just me? Ohh.

You know that Drew just said to himself, "Did I just say 'toot, toot, indeed?'" and is preparing to be made fun of when he gets home.

Who is the last girl they profiled? I want her name - I like to know who I hate, and I hate her. If you want to piss me off one of the quickest ways to do it is to say you deserve something that you want. And that's what she did. Bitch.

Holy shit who is this black girl with the smile and the voice?! Alyssa is definitely my favorite. Whoever decided on Kelsey's shade of lipstick should be fired. It's terrible.

Does anyone else think Bruno has a crush on Elizabeth? It was a good move of her to mention being adopted - there are so many people who'll be moved by that.

Why did Bruno just pick Lacey over Mariel? I like Mariel - her excitement is so cute. Awww... Elizabeth and Mariel on the same team. How cute.

Drew just accidentally said "sex" instead of "six" and for some reason that made me giggle like a sixth grade boy. Hee hee hee.

Ugh, I can not judge this song at all - I hate Beyonce songs. End Of the Road? Such memories. Alyssa and Phillip should stay. OH! Look at me go! Do I know my stuff or what?!

Thank you and good night.

*For those who are numb with boredom, don't worry, I won't do this every time the show is on.

It's the Finals - Study Hard!

If Helio doesn't win I am going to shoot myself.

Marie? Good dancer? Eh. Is she a good entertainer? Not for me, but I could see others being entertained? Good doll saleswoman? Absolutely.

Mel B? Her performances tonight lacked any oomph. She seemed no more excited about tonight than any other night. Is it me, or does it seem to anyone else that she takes tranquilizers? Her freestyle tonight needed to be very sharp. It wasn't.

And then there was Helio. Carrie-Ann was right - a couple of the lifts could have been a bit smoother on the dismount. But the fact that he did them, didn't drop her, and overall made the whole thing pretty damn graceful, was very impressive. Helio should win.

Let's Talk About Sabrina

You may know Kelly Taylor was my favorite on Dancing With the Stars. When I first saw the show this season, I was digusted that one of the tramps from the pussycat dolls for pre-teens was one of the stars. That's how I thought of Sabrina. Cheezy girl from some cheezy group that dresses sluttily.

But then I saw her dance. And that girl can really dance. Remember Jane's jive on Monday? Sabrina would have kicked ass on that routine.

Let's be honest here. Jennie Garth? Not a great dancer. I mean come on. Even she's admitted it. Seriously, if Jennie had been kicked off last night, I would not have been that upset. A few 90210 jokes, and then ... whatever.

But Sabrina? Sabrina's truly a great dancer. I am really upset she was voted off. What's wrong with you America? I can't help but notice she was the fattest dancer. And I can't help but wonder if weight-discrimination played a role in the lack of votes she got.

Sabrina, the Americans who voted are assholes. They were wrong. I agree with that corny host - I think you TOTALLY could have won. You looked so very sad last night, and my jaw was on the floor when the results were announced. I just wanted to give you a hug. Don't let the bastards get you down. Go back to your dumb group that has t-shirts of scantily-clad girls silkscreened on them with your head held high and be proud of yourself. Know that you WERE one of the best dancers on that show.

You may not have won, but you gained a fan. And what famous person doesn't want me as their fan? A fan who will never buy any of their merchandise, hasn't bought a music album in over four years, who waits for Netflix rather than paying money to see their movies, has never been to a concert, and overall, does nothing that involves spending money to show her support.

P.S. I did not think Mel B deserved tens. She's slightly better than average, but certainly no Sabrina. Hell, she's no Jane (you know, when Jane's not busy attending funerals, fleeing her burning home, or having food poisoning). Plus, and I know the judges don't take this into consideration, but Mel B strikes me as being quite dumb.

Dancing With the Stars Falls Down and Goes Boom

The thing is, my dad called and we were on the phone past when the show started, so I missed the first guy. But if you're interested in finding out how to smooth out a popcorn ceiling or wall, e-mail me because I now know.

- Mark - he was very stiff. When I was a little girl I took dance classes at the local Y with a woman named Shelley. At the start of each class, we'd spend time working on isolations - learning to move different parts of our bodies while keeping the rest still. Mark needs Shelley.

- Wayne - he moved like he was scared he'd either fall or trip Cheryl. Whatever he was trying to do with that turn at the end? Not good. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets voted off.

- Marie - pretty risque for a Mormon broad! Her hair looked retarded, but she really worked her costume. Marie said in the "package" that she needed to step it up, and she really did! Tonight's performance made me like Marie a little more than last week.

- Albert - who the fuck is this Albert kid? And why was he wearing capri pants in rehearsal?

And now we interrupt this very special blog post for a story. When I was a
little girl and thought nobody was watching, I used to slide down the bannister
in our house in Long Island. One day when I thought it was safe, I swung
my leg over and slid to the bottom, only to be busted by my dad, who was
watching tv in the den. He yelled at me, and I ran upstairs crying to my
mom. She smiled, and led me back downstairs to the study where the photo
albums were kept. My mother showed me a picture of her mother - who I
never met - sliding down a bannister in the 50's.

So, back to Albert. Whoever he might be. I loved his slide down the bannister, for reasons now obvious to you. Unfortunately, there was a distinct lack of connection with his partner that made me wonder if he was counting in his head.

- Helio - I really liked this guy a LOT! He and his dance partner had a great connection, and their performance felt very "Miami" to me.

- Jennie - a FALL! If anyone can find a video link to the fall, please send it to me - I need to re-watch this. (I know, I'm terrible. Recently I talked a four-year-old into watching the episode of the Hills last season when Whitney fell. Not only did the kid keep calling Whitney Sidney, she didn't see the humor in it at ALL!) Seriously though, I thought she was going to pass out after her dance was over - she looked AWFUL! Poor Kelly!

- Cameron - I could not have hated his partner's outfit more if it had tunafish hanging from it! That terrible contraption distracted me from their dance - how was it? Anyone? Is it just me, or does Cameron remind anyone else of John Norris?

- Floyd - dude was good! Great footwork, but his posture was a bit sloppy. He has potential.

- Jane - oh, the awkwardness! You could tell each time Jane was losing her place, because she'd slow down a smidge. Disappointing.

- Sabrina - fabulous! Had I been her, I'd have worried about catching my heel in the bottom of that dress. I was impressed she didn't let that happen.

Okay, I know he's not a contender, but can we just talk about Drew? He's MUCH more entertaining than that Samantha chick ever was! I think he is absolutely contributing to the show's ratings, whereas Samantha was doing nothing for them in either direction. However, I must say I'm impressed with whoever her attorneys are - it seems they negotiated that her name would be mentioned a minimum of four times each show. Slick move.

Nicole, Are You Watching?!?!??!

There should be a show involving dance on a major network at all times of the year. That's my idea of heaven. Now, let's begin.

- Jennie - I have to be honest, Kelly Taylor was always my favorite of Donna, Brenda, Andrea and Kelly on 90210. So I'm rooting for her. But yeah, I know she wasn't that great.

- Josie - she forgot to say she's also known for being the exgirlfriend of David Blaine. Josie not only couldn't dance, but clearly didn't feel comfortable in her dress.

- Sabrina - I don't know shit about the Cheetah Girls - they struck me as something for eight year old girls who want to pretend to be sluttily dressed. But this bitch can DANCE! Yes, too much hip-hop. I'm impressed. She was really tight.

- Marie - She's dancing at a distinct advantage over people like Kelly. I mean Jennie. Marie is comfortable in front of a live audience. She's in her element. I thought she was graceful despite the lack of technical difficulty. I would not be surprised if Marie had given herself the advice to, "Keep it simple, Stupid" because that's exactly what she did, and it worked for her.

- Mel B - is she the one who just gave birth to Eddie Murphy's baby? I'll say it again - the people with live audience experience really have a much stronger stage presence than those who don't. Mel lost her timing a couple of times when the eight-counts changed. Just eh. I wasn't as impressed with her performance as the judges were.

- Jane Seymour - Oh my god, I want to be her when I grow up (accent and all)! Her performance was simply lovely. No other adjective describes it better. I'd give her an 8.5.

SYTYCD: Holy Sunburn!

Do I know how to pick them, or what?!

Damn, Cat, way to not use sunscreen. For shame.