Perks!

When Turkey announced he was closing his law firm, I was in a panic at the idea of going through that whole unemployed period again. Everyone kept telling me it wouldn't be like that. They felt it. I didn't feel it. I'm one of those "don't count chickens before they've hatched" people. Apparently I didn't need to feel it though, because everyone else's feelings were right. Thank god for you people and your feelings and your chicken-counting ways.

When Gay Crush and I had our interview, it was interesting. There was no typical interview posturing on either side. He asked if he could give me health insurance through an HMO. I said no; he said okay and wrote down PPO. Health insurance is in the works.

He asked what I made working for Turkey. I told him my salary was $500 a year, but with overtime I earned $550 a year. He offered to pay me $525 a year. When I worked for Turkey the hours were 8:30 to 5:30. Now my hours are 8:30 to 5pm. That half hour makes all the difference. 

Gay Crush wears a t-shirt or polo with dark jeans and dress shoes each day. So I'm wearing jeans and a nice top. Not just on Fridays, but every day. 

"Health and fitness is very important to me, so I'd like to offer you up to $100 a month towards a gym membership of your choosing. Would you be interested in that?" Okay, now if you said that to a future employee and their response was, "Nah, I like being a fat slob," wouldn't you ... second guess your decision to hire them? Maybe they're not so smart after all. So I said yes not only because yay how awesome, but also because I wouldn't respect him if he respected me if I'd rejected the offer. My plan is to start gymming it up as soon as I have health insurance. If you get a call from someone crying and asking you to tell them to suck it up and go to the gym, it's me. 

Gay Crush gave me an iPad! He got a newer generation one and gave me his old one, but still. A real iPad! I am totally going to figure out how to use it just as soon as I get wireless. People keep saying I can download things onto it at work and then use those things at home without the wireless. But I don't know what things they're talking about, and if it's games, well ... I already fuck around enough in my free time. I don't need more easy ways to do that. 

I'm getting business cards. I'll be sending each of you five. You can put one on your refrigerator. When Gay Crush asked me, "Do you think you want business cards?" I asked back, "I don't know. Do you plan on hauling me around anywhere?" He doesn't know. Hey, he flies to NY a lot; I'd be more than happy to be hauled there! Nobody's ever given me business cards, but that makes sense, because legal secretaries really never leave the office. Sometimes people ask for a business card, but you just hand them the attorney's card. 

Another perk is that Gay Crush is ... mentally stable. Like, every time he walks into the office, he's got the exact same personality. He's a generally happy guy. If he gets upset with one person, he doesn't take it out on another, and gets over it quickly. He vents for ten seconds, and then moves on. 

Also, he doesn't have an ego. He left it to me to cut and measure the contact paper for the shelves in the office kitchen, but he would have helped if I'd asked. (I'll be asking tomorrow because I'm too short to reach the higher shelf. Just for placement help though; I'll do all the cutting.) Gay Crush has crawled under desks to get at outlets, picked up desks to access other outlets, etc. He doesn't waste his time, but he doesn't think he's too good to do things that need doing. 

One time many moons ago, on a really hot day, Turkey arrived at the office with a Jamba Juice smoothie in hand. He stopped at my desk to pick up his messages, looked at me sweating under the skylight, and thought out loud, "Oh. I should have asked if you wanted anything." I smiled and said nothing. Yes, that would have been nice. Turkey wasn't that kind of nice. Turkey was the kind of nice where he wouldn't fire you if you were five minutes late coming back from your lunch hour because he made you pick up his lunch on the way back. 

Then there's Gay Crush. Every time he runs out for a coffee, he asks if I want anything. If I said yes, he would refuse to take money from me. We agreed that I will do some personal errands for him, and he always encourages me to take as much time as I need, and reminds me not to use my lunch hour. So far I've bought him conditioner.

So technically, at the end of the year I'll probably have earned less than I did working for Turkey. That's okay though, because it's only $3,000 less for 120 fewer hours per year, and my quality of life has skyrocketed.

Three Months Shy

Within a year and a half of working for the Turkey, I had saved up enough money to live on for a year. Not lavishly or anything, but I could get by. On Friday Turkey announced he is shutting down the law firm. He has accepted a position as a partner at another firm. Ten minutes after that announcement, he laid off the office manager, and two hours later, was having the locks re-keyed. Within an hour of being told, I was on the phone with a headhunter, and solidly got her on Team Green - she is going to coldcall some of her clients where she thinks I would be a good fit, and see if they can make a position for me. Ten minutes after that (thank goodness for lunch hours) I was talking to a second one - the one who placed me with Nice Partner, Tuna, and Cowboy.

I was out of work three months shy of four years. During that time I had some long-term temp jobs of course. Three months here and two months there. But that whole concept of being a super-star where you temp so they'll beg you to become permanent never worked for me. Job luck is not my type of luck. You want to find a penny on the street? I'm your girl! A job, though? No, sorry.

Turkey's announcement came when I am three months shy of working for him for two years. He assured me that I will have a job through the end of the month, maybe even a week or two past that. He's sorry he can't bring me to the new firm, a firm that has a posting up on their website for a legal secretary (which I applied to three days before Turkey's big news, coincidentally). Turkey claims the firm doesn't like incoming partners to bring their own secretaries, because then neither person integrates well into the firm. You never know if you can believe Turkey.

What I know for sure is that I have lasted longer than any other secretary (the office manager, who has access to these sorts of records, told me). What I know for sure is that I have not been able to get a good night's sleep since hearing the news. What I know for sure is that being out of work as long as I was? It did something bad to me, mentally, emotionally. Something that never quite got fixed. That low-level panic I had all the time? It's back.

The glancing 10 times in six seconds at a price? The rapid mental calculations? The feeling of something substantial yet slight, like a goose, sitting on your chest, making it hard to breathe? The urge to clean out your home so you won't have a hard time packing your shopping wagon when you become homeless? They are all back. Three months shy of two years. Join me, won't you? In saying fuuuuuuuuck.

Back Down

Way back in the olden days, the general public never knew anything about actors except which films they had starred in. For the most part, there were never films about an actor's private life until after they had died.

There was a president in a wheelchair and nobody even knew he was handicapped. Now we know the intricate details of a former first lady's medical condition. There are gay people who've lived with their partners for decades and may not be able to find out the status of a partner in a hospital, but we know about Hillary Clinton's brain clot?

The fact that we have a tv show that tells us the details of Khloe Kardashian's uterus? Granted, she is an adult who made the decision to make her infertility struggles public. But I think she has made a mistake. I don't believe someone should be able to be famous for ... nothing.

Dance Moms could be a great show, if it featured what the moms do for their daughters in relation to dance. Instead, it's the teacher manipulating the students and mothers into frenzies, pitting them against each other, and the moms constantly sniping at each other, exchanging petty insults I could have come up with in seventh grade. My mother spent tons of time driving me to and from dance class, sometimes sitting in the reception area through the classes, and I assure you she was NEVER decked out in a dress, with full hair and makeup.

I just want everyone to back up a bit. Take a little pride in their talents, and showcase them, and ONLY them. Here's the press release I would like to see regarding Hillary Clinton's health: Former first lady and current U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was hospitalized on Wednesday for a non-life threatening medical condition. During her hospitalization, Jane Schmane, Head of Blah, will be covering for Ms. Clinton. We wish Ms. Clinton a speedy and full recovery. That's it. We don't need the details. It's none of our business. Why the hell do we need to know the medical intricacies of a non-family member? Does Hillary Clinton expect a get-well card from us? Should we tweet Bill?

I don't want to know why Bethenny Frankel is getting divorced. Hell, I don't even need to know that she's headed in that direction. Tell when her next book or product debut. The end.

We need to take things down a notch here. I never thought I would spend time thinking about how to be ignorant, but right now, that's the direction I'm headed in. I want to be ignorant of these things.

Fun With Bosses!

We have sub-tenants. I do stuff for them. Sometimes I am asked to do stuff for them that falls outside of the parameters of what is appropriate. That happened Thursday. I spoke with Office Manager about it. He in turn, spoke with Turkey about it. And then this happened Friday! That check is gonna be sooooo big!
 

From: Turkey Lawyerstein
Sent: Friday, August 10, 2012 10:30 AM
To: Green Yogurt
Subject: Sub-tenant

I was going to call him this afternoon.  Before I do,  I want to make sure I am assuming things correctly.  I assume that this is not about money, but the frustration.  And not sure that money makes up for the frustration.   I only ask because the previous person at your desk said she would put up with the frustration if my subtenant paid her for very limited duties such as reception, sorting mail, greeting guests  asking them if they want a beverage.    And my subtenant gladly did so.      Please tell me if you feel the same way as the recent person, as I do not want to deprive you of an opportunity if you want one.

 

		From: Green Yogurt Sent: Friday, August 10, 2012 1:32 PM To: Turkey Lawyerstein Subject: Sub-tenant

There are two separate issues.

1.      What Office Manager discussed with you yesterday, and what I have been forced to pull you in to deal with on a couple of occasions – when clients of Sub-tenant are interrupting me to ask questions about their case, asking me to make voluminous photocopies for them, asking me to write or review a check for them, asking a question about their opposing party, etc. There are already five employees of Lawyerstein & Associates breaking my concentration multiple times a day to ask me questions, give me work, etc. In addition to that the phones are often very busy.  There are also deliveries coming in throughout the day, plus people coming to me to ask other coworkers’ schedules, coworkers informing me when office machinery has broken down, etc. On top of all that, I am trying to get filing done, create closing binders, help train someone with zero legal and little office experience, fix mistakes made by the personal assistant, update various lists we keep, and a myriad of other duties.  I am often rushing to complete assignments for you within a reasonable timeframe, and simply do not have time to stop my work to stand in front of the copy machine un-stapling documents to copy and re-compile them for subtenants’ clients.  Making a quick copy of one check is understandable, but having to spend ten or more minutes at the copier during a busy time of day is very difficult. Having to take time away from my work for you to explain to a Sub-tenant client why it would be unethical or create liability issues for me to review checks or documents, or answer questions is both time-consuming and stressful (due to having to deal with the client’s unhappiness with my inability to do what they want). 

2.      In your email below you write that the person in my position previously would put up with frustration related to limited duties such as reception, sorting mail, greeting guests and asking if they want a beverage because your subtenant paid them to do that.  I HAVE BEEN DOING ALL OF THOSE THINGS FOR OVER A YEAR WITHOUT REIMBURSEMENT FROM THE SUBTENANTS.  When I started working here, it was implied that doing the above tasks was simply part of my job.  Based on what you say below however, that is not the case, so I am requested to be paid retroactively for the year-plus of doing these tasks.  These tasks, in addition to reserving the conference rooms for subtenants, is not at all a problem.  The problem is when the clients of subtenants come to the office and take up my time by asking questions, discussing their surprise at finding out that nobody from Sub-tenant is here for them to talk with, requesting I review or copy documents, etc. It seems that Sub-tenant clients are led to believe there is a full office here, with Sub-tenant attorneys, their files, and staff of whom they can ask questions.  Obviously this is not the case, but I am the person who has to break this news and then deal with their disappointment, confusion and questions, all of which is time-consuming.

Thank you for taking the time to address this issue.  

Now guys,  that paragraph where Turkey is emailing to me? All I changed were the proper nouns. Sentence structure, punctuation, spacing, etc. All his. To be honest, that's one of his best emails. If you took out the extra spaces and the "And"'s that start two sentences it would practically pass as a paragraph written by someone with an Ivy League education. In case you were wondering, Turkey wrote back to me (he was out of the office last week) suggesting that we discuss this "live" on Monday. I can't wait. Oh, and here's a fun tidbit: Sub-tenant never paid the person in my position previously. That's right, Turkey lied. Poor Turkey was a bit delirious yesterday. He was out of town at his country home (in the country), and told me that on Thursday it was 105 degrees. He's been doing a lot of construction on his home, and I joked, "Project number one: Air conditioning!" and Turkey responded, "Oh no. That's too expensive. I have a fan. But I can't figure out how to put it together." On Friday he still hadn't gotten the fan going.  Sometimes these blog posts practically write themselves. 

It's Not Only Jews Who Get Lonely

A couple of years ago, a local bookstore was going out of business. This is before Borders died, and they couldn't slash prices low enough. I wandered through the store, picking books up and putting them down, trying to figure out how I could incorporate an 18-foot rolling ladder into my shoebox of an apartment. After a while I stumbled across a slew of stationery and cards, and as I dug through, found a bunch of Hanukah stuff. A boxed set of cards, a group of gift cards, and I haggled the price down and then bought it all up.

I think of sending out holiday cards as something families do, not single people. What would I do, send a card with a photo montage of me all over it? Write a little blurb about how I vacationed above the Castro a few times, and in Spring took a trip out to the Mission?

But I'm sitting on these Hanukah cards. What am I supposed to do with them? Take them out of the drawer, admire them, then put them back until the next time? Except I don't live in New York anymore, Land of All People Jewish. I live in a world full of people who celebrate Christmas now. Is it rude or disrespectful to send a Hanukah card to someone you know for a fact doesn't celebrate it?

So today I was deliberating buying some less ... denominational cards, more winter-themed, for the non-Jews. The WASP and I were chatting about cards. Obviously, she's not a MOT. She told me something surprising - that she has a few Jewish friends (that's not the surprising part), but they never send her Hanukah cards, and she'd love to get some. Her whole face lit up telling me this. ORLY?! Well, it won't be a miracle on 34th Street, but it will be a miracle near 3rd and 4th Streets and that counts, right?

She's got a couple of little kids, so I am thinking some Hanukah gelt taped to her Hanukah card might be the way to go. It truly never occurred to me that the Christmases might want to receive Hanukah cards. Is the WASP the only one who feels this way? If you're a Christmas, please let me know what your feelings are on this.

Like the Conversation Never Happened

So I've been temping at this law firm where I've been before. This is my third time at this circus, and the most entertaining visit so far. The dirt will have to wait though, because as exciting as dirt is, there's something even more exciting, which is having this turn into a real job.

Last summer the guy almost hired me, and all that stopped him was the crazy expensive fee he'd have had to pay to the temp agency. When you register with a temp agency you sign a contract with them, stating that once they introduce you to one of their clients, you can not work directly for that client for x number of months. This was the place where I was earning less money working than I'd get from unemployment. But I stuck it out, for exactly this reason. Well, and because if unemployment finds out you turned down a job then that's grounds for not being paid UI. Oh okay, and yes, also because the longer I wasn't using up my pot of unemployment money, the longer it'd last. When I left he was sad, and assured me I could use him as a reference.

Anyway so today. He's interviewing. To hire someone to sit where I'm sitting. Though he told me something about wanting someone with paralegal experience. Which I don't have. I saw two of the resumes of people he was interviewing - one guy has been working as a paralegal for seven years and is currently in law school. I can't compete with that! Except that I can, because that guy is overqualified and would leave the second he got his JD. Well, or the second he passed the Bar.

So I'd tossed my hat in the ring on Monday, but didn't hold out much hope for anything but that it'd take the lawyer a long time to make a decision so I could keep earning money. Today, when he was about to walk out of the office to go see a client, he told me that next week he'd like to talk with me about making this permanent. I have a feeling he wants to wait until next week only because his beloved office manager is out sick this week and he wants to run it by her. She loves me and probably told him to snap me up before someone else does. I hope she doesn't die.

When he told me about talking next week, I pointed out that he could call himself on his cell phone from his office phone, since he said I could use him as a reference. He really liked that one, and laughed heartily, saying, "Touché." That's me, witty and breezy.

Let's make a deal, Internet Friends (some of whom have crossed over to Real Friends): if I get this job and turn into a Real Person, you'll get to read all about the story that involves the following nouns. 1. date 2. lunch 3. sweatpants

It has been oh so very long since I was a Real Person, what if I don't remember how to do it? Do you think I'll have some sort of low-level PTSD? Will the hives go away? Maybe it's like riding a bike. Which I haven't done since my early 20's. Well, maybe it's like swimming. Which I haven't done since I was 19. And to be honest, we can't really call that swimming. We can however call it "getting from one end of the pool to the other by myself without putting my feet on the floor of the pool."