The Death of it all

At the end of January, GQ laid me off. I did not take it well. I told one friend and then couldn't even tell anyone else. I'm still not over my PTSD from being out of work during the recession (quick recap: it lasted almost 4 years, I had to go on food stamps, was a month away from eviction proceedings starting when Turkey called), and had just begun relaxing after getting away from Turkey.

All I hear in my head is me screaming at the top of my lungs, "AGAIN?! REALLY?!" over and over. I have a very strong reference letter from Turkey (which I drafted myself) and another one from GQ. GQ's is more emphatic in how great I was, but because I didn't write it for him, it's not well written (I don't mean that to be obnoxious - there are typos).

GQ and I have not kept in touch. I did not delete him from my LinkedIn people, but after sorting out signing the severance agreement for a severance check we haven't spoken at all. I do not follow him on Twitter. I may have stalked him on Facebook for a couple of months. It really hurt to see him keep going on trip after trip. "Sorry Green, I can't afford to keep paying you, because my boyfriend and I want to go to Hawaii. And Mexico. And New York."

I have this cousin who adopts cats, and one after another they die. I'm sure he is taking care of the cats and it's just very bad luck that cat after cat kicks the bucket. But if I had a cat I would sure never ask him to pet-sit for me, you know? And even though I was laid off at my last two jobs through absolutely no fault of my own, I sure wouldn't hire me. Somehow, bad job luck seems to follow me. I'm completely mortified about it. I feel like I'm always out of work.

When my brother married Crazy Girl I was out of work, and although I was genuinely happy for them and they threw a beautiful wedding, it was very difficult for me to attend because I was at a very low point in my life and I had quite a difficult time holding my head high. Once, when my aunt heard I was out of work, she loudly said, "Again?!" and I think that's what I hear constantly in my head. Golden Boy was very kind and when I talked to him about not having money for a wedding present, he waved me off. "Just get us a 5th year anniversary present instead!"

Yeah, their five year anniversary was this April. Two and a half months after I got laid off. Anyway. Now you know why I haven't been writing. I can barely get out of the house each week for my two volunteer gigs (and it's about to get worse since one is ending soon).

So! How are you doing?