You Are ... So Beautiful ... To Me...

A while ago, Turkey decided that the professional photo taken of him that's on the firm's website was no good, and he wanted it redone. So even though it was only done three years ago, the firm allowed him to sit for another photo shoot.  Nobody asked me, but if they had, they'd have heard me saying I think he looks exactly the same as he did three years ago.  Guess who found the email with the proofs?! And guess who couldn't resist and took a pic with her cell phone?! That's right. I did it.

He looks like a Republican pedophile with an awkward hairline caught pooping while wearing a suit, who tries to make the best of being caught by grinning/grimacing. It's not pretty, is what I'm saying. But it sure is funny! (Remember that grimace Dick Cheney used to make when he'd try to smile?  Every time I would see that, I would think, "That is what a pedophile looks like.")

Anyway, the lady in Marketing who arranged this stopped by my desk a few weeks ago on another matter, and let it slip that Turkey requested that they blow up his favorite picture of himself, and frame it. And she was like, "Um, that is not a service this law firm provides, sorry. Have you tried Walgreens?"

Then last week Turkey wanted for us to go to lunch together. Alone. I tried to talk various people into joining us to no avail. I tried to "reschedule" due to the pouring rain. Nope. So off we went, with Turkey carrying a brown paper grocery bag. We went to a restaurant that Turkey has been to many times before. He asked the waiter nine questions about the menu (which had not changed recently). I started counting after question four. His questions were one step above things like, "Now the ice water - is that cold?" Turkey ultimately ordered three things.

I was able to start our lunch off on the right foot, by genuinely thanking Turkey.  In a departmental meeting, he mentioned the Netflix series The Crown, and suggested it was quite good and I should watch it. I wound up devouring the series, and absolutely LOVING it. So I was able to chat with Turkey all about the monarch and such. Then we moved on to the next portion of the lunch - work gossip. This involved Turkey mentioning people and asking me what I thought THEY thought about him. This segued nicely into the second-to-last portion of lunch, where Turkey and I took turns complimenting Turkey. I lied a lot during those two portions of lunch.

Last was the gift-giving portion of lunch. Turkey reached into his grocery bag and gave me a box.  In the same way that a seven year-old girl who's just read Flicka and Black Beauty hopes for a horse, I was hoping Turkey was giving me a framed picture of himself. Because wouldn't that be hilarious? To have a picture of an ugly man who is vehemently hated by many he works with, sitting on my desk.  And the best part is, Turkey is exactly the type to do that. So it's not like I was hoping for a unicorn - this dream really had potential of coming true.

Alas, it did not. Maybe next year. No, this time I was given a book of Doonesbury cartoons that all feature Donald Trump. I'm thinking it was a re-gift, because there is no possible way Turkey saw this in a store and thought, "I should get this for my secretary!" Oh well. At least I got a free lunch from a nice restaurant out of it all. 

The More Things Change ...

Turkey is so much better at this firm.  He's so much more appropriate in his dealings with employees. He's on time more than 50% of the time. He loses things much less often, and when he does lose them, they're often easily found. It's amazing to see how far he's come. But then there are those other times when he does something to make it clear that calling him a turkey really IS the right nickname for him here.

A few months ago, all the attorneys had to do sexual harassment training. One of the HR people and I talked about it, and I asked her if whoever was giving the presentation could tell all the attorneys that a gay attorney CAN in fact be sexually harassing a straight employee, and their gayness does not automatically exempt them from saying inappropriate things. Because Turkey does.

On Friday afternoon, Turkey and I were trying to fill out the form needed to get a new client up and running. He'd told me to write one thing, and then told me to write something else. I confirmed he wanted to change that line. "A girl can change her mind, right?" Now, I know this is a gay guy thing to do - to refer to himself as a woman, and I know Turkey is gay, but he'd never done this particular thing before. Clearly, Turkey was feeling a little extra saucy Friday afternoon.

We got a famous client, and I think he was a little giddy over that. (The guy isn't super famous - he's more the sibling of someone famous who you probably never think of. It's not very exciting. So far, he seems very normal.) Turkey even had asked me if I really thought we should charge him a retainer. I voted absolutely. Turkey was worried it would be considered insulting. I argued that we charge everyone a retainer unless we have a prior relationship with them, and famous people, unless they're raging egomaniacs, want to be treated just like everyone else is treated. He agreed with me. I give good legal advice to lawyers.

At the very end of the day on Friday, I was finishing up some work while Turkey was leaning on my counter talking to me. Apropos of nothing, he asked me if the gay guy who sits next to me is gay. Half of me was shocked to be asked that, and half of me was not at all surprised Turkey would ask such an inappropriate question. I shrugged. He then asked me if a cute, straight paralegal was gay. I shrugged again.

I adamantly believe that you do NOT expose someone's sexuality. Maybe it's because I'm Jewish - a minority that has been persecuted - but I'd like to think even if I weren't, it would not be my place to share anything about a person that has gotten others like them killed for sharing that information.

There are many days, often in a row, where I have a lovely workday. I must never let myself get lulled into a false sense of security. I must never, never forget that Turkey will be inappropriate at some point. 

Turkey Had a Very Turkey Day Today

(Nothing to do with Thanksgiving, in case you're new. Sorry.)

At this firm, Turkey is forced to be better. Less crazy. More self-sufficient. I still do a lot of things for him most attorneys do for themselves. Like, I enter his time. He emails me documents to save on the system. I look up phone numbers for him within our directory. But overall, he loses fewer things. He throws people under the bus less often. He lies less often. Turkey just screws up less these days.

But today was a doozy. Let us count the ways ...

1. This morning I came in and found an email from a coworker/friend in our Risk Management department, forwarding an email Turkey sent last night to the entire Risk Management team, plus the CEO of the firm, plus the General Counsel, claiming I said something I didn't say at all. See, each time we're sending out an engagement letter it's supposed to be a form letter, but Turkey always changes it so much that he often leaves the firm open to risk. So they decided all his engagement letters have to be reviewed before being sent to a client. We also have disengagement letters, when a matter has ended. I spoke with the head of Risk Management about these and he told me the important language they need to have. As long as they say that, he doesn't really care what else they say. That's what I told Turkey yesterday. That disengagement letters don't need to be seen by Risk Management before going out. He emailed all these people though, claiming I said nobody has to review engagement letters, non-engagement letters (different from dis-engagement letters) anymore.  I was livid. I went straight up to the General Counsel to speak with him about this. He talked me off the ledge and five minutes later I was sure that the firm was not about to fire me. But holy shit, what a way to start your day. 
2. Ironically, while Turkey was worrying about what I am doing in relation to risk management, he sent an email to clients and accidentally cc'd the opposing counsel on the case.  Yeah. Worry more about yourself, Turkey. 
3. Turkey and I have this system wherein everything I need him to sign goes into a bright yellow folder, and we pass that back and forth to each other, multiple times a day. Often Turkey takes it home at the end of the day to review and sign letters I've prepared, and then hands it back in the morning. Yesterday I gave Turkey the folder with about half a dozen letters, one of which included a check that needed to go out. Today, Turkey told me he lost the folder and to re-create the letters. Just figuring out which letters needed to be re-created took me almost an hour alone! But I do it, put them all in a manilla folder and give him that.  I ask him to please look again for the yellow folder because we really need that check to go out to the client. He shrugs. I look a little harder at the mess that is the piles on his desk. I see a smidge of bright  yellow, and slowly pull out the folder.  "Oops," Turkey smiles at me. What does he care? He didn't just re-do work. 
4. We've been working on an agreement for months. There are many, many versions of this same document. Some redlined with tons of changes, some clean (changes accepted). Today, Turkey realized that he made a ton of redlined changes and never saved them. So I had to spend two hours retyping all these changes off a printed document, that had already been typed in.  Just such a huge waste of time. Turkey told me this needed to go to the client today. I asked him if there was any way he could get an extension from the client - that this was such a mess I didn't think we should rush through it, risking embarrassment by sending anything with mistakes. I should not rush the edits, and he should not rush the review. Luckily, I got Turkey to agree. Of course he agreed. He always tells me "The clients wants this before the end of the day" when really he just wants it done by then. I don't really care that Turkey lies about this. I'm just satisfied we're not going to send out a subpar product to a client. 

Hopefully on Monday Turkey will have pulled his shit together a bit more. That way I can move on to telling you all about my good news involving a baby lawyer. 

Squeaky

There's so much to tell you, and I barely know where to start! Firstly, I got to meet someone I met through blogging. Who lives in DENMARK! Because she came to the Americas! Each time I've met someone off the interwebs, there's always a little hesitation - will they be crazy? will it be painfully awkward? will we both be trying to figure out the quickest and most graceful way to get away? But meeting Jennie and her husband was pure joy. Pure. Joy. They were so fun and funny and easy-going and interesting, and and and!

Secondly, it's five months in, and I'm still working with Turkey. He's ... still a turkey. That's never going to change. But working with him at a big law firm provides a buffer for me that was sorely lacking in the other place. He cares very much about what others think of him, so having others around keeps Turkey in check to a small degree.

About a month ago the firm did evaluations and raises/bonuses. I'd barely been permanent for a month so assumed there'd be none for me. Wrong. Turkey and the midwestern girl reviewed me. I had to sit with the HR lady while she handed me the reviews they wrote. Then she told me since I'd just started, they couldn't justify giving me a raise. However, they did want me to feel appreciated, so she went to the head honchos and got them to give me a bonus.

Here's how I envision it went down:
HR: We should give Green a bonus.
Head Honchos: Who now?
HR: You know - the one who's working with Turkey.
HH: Oh, shit. Yes! Here's $20 from me.

And I imagine she just went to every single partner, and then each associate, and then each employee who has ever had to deal with Turkey, getting $20 from each person, pulling together my bonus.

Lastly, today, like most days, Turkey was wearing leather shoes that squeak with every step. We can hear him coming from all the way down the hall. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Everywhere he goes, we can hear him squeak along. At one point, Turkey squeaked his way out of his office, right as a call came in for him. Without even thinking about it, I inquired to the girl who sits next to me, "Where'd Squeaky go?" She was being given instructions by a partner who overheard, and he kind of snickered as he kept talking, and then all three of us were giggling.

The best part was, Turkey was close by - I just couldn't see him! (He didn't hear me.) 

He's Baaaaaa-aaaaaack!

A little over a month ago, I interviewed at what is one of my two dream law firms to work at. It's rare for a firm to have a great reputation among both lawyers AND support staff, but both of these do. The job wasn't as a legal secretary, but I thought I could do it, and was definitely qualified for it. Weirdly, it's the firm Turkey works at. The firm he took the baby lawyer (from the Midwest) and the WASP associate to.

The baby lawyer is not such a baby lawyer anymore, and we've stayed in touch through Facebook. She's actually the one who told me about this opening. I didn't get it. I was devastated. At the time, I was temping at a mortgage company. The HR woman at the law firm left me a voicemail, and I contemplated not calling her back. I didn't need to hear I didn't get the job again. But I did, and what happened next was bizarre. She told me this was the most awkward professional conversation of her life, but ... they'd just had to fire Turkey's secretary, and well ... since I interviewed they knew I was looking for a job, so if I was interested ...?

Now, Turkey and I did not leave things on the best note. I refused to sign his confidentially agreement and gave up his severance as a final "fuck you" to him. So I asked the HR lady what Turkey thought about this idea. She hadn't floated it by him yet. I told her "If he's enthusiastic, I'm game." Nobody told me outright, but I think it was more like lukewarm.

So for the last four weeks I've been temping at my dream law firm, for the most nightmarish attorney to ever walk the earth. It's ... weird. It's hard. In some ways, Turkey is better. Running your own business is a lot of work, and now that stress is off him. He's less frazzled. In some ways though, Turkey is worse. Attorneys break out of law firms and set up their own for one of two reasons: either they think they can create a better law firm than what they come from, or they can't hack falling into line with firm policies. Turkey was the latter, and I can see those problems here.

For example, this firm encourages people to be as paperless as possible. Turkey actually told me "I don't do two-sided emails. Don't print any out for me like that." Also, sometimes partners have to get things approved by other partners. Turkey didn't want that to apply to him. "Just submit it anyway; I don't want to bother with that." So I did. Naturally, it got rejected for lack of second-partner-approval. Turkey acted shocked.

The good thing is, nobody has lasted very long with Turkey, so everyone is rooting for me. Have you ever felt like you were being hugged by an entire law firm full of people? That's what working here is like. Everyone is so supportive and encouraging. Well, everyone except Turkey. He's negative and quick to blame. No shock there.

So. What's new in your life? 

Four

Last week I got together with the Wasp lawyer for lunch.  Wasp told me Turkey is on his fourth secretary since me. So in four months, he's gone through four people. What is there to say about that except that the problem working for Turkey wasn't me?

Wasp also shared that as crazy as Turkey was when I was working with him, he's even more crazy now. When he owned his own law firm, nobody ever really went up against him, because he could fire them. Turkey loved that. He thrives on drama, and always pushed things as far as possible, just to watch and see how people would go crazy trying to fix his mistakes or his intentional throwing of them under the bus.

Apparently a few weeks ago, Turkey told his new (third?) secretary at the new firm that he needed some original document from our building manager, and he needed it urgently. I guarantee you that what happened is that two months prior, Turkey's insurance company or someone let him know they needed this thing, and he chose to wait until the day after the deadline before announcing his need to the secretary. Urgently, because that's his favorite word.

The secretary called our building manager and asked, "Would you walk it over?" Turkey's new law firm is about a half mile from his old one. The building manager laughed and answered, "No. Either you can come pick it up today, or I will put it in the mail to you today." It was soon after that day that she announced her refusal to work for Turkey anymore.

Four months, four people. And yes, when I came back from that lunch I went straight into GC/Boss's office to tell him the news, and thanked him again for hiring me.

Planning My Plans

Things are really starting to fall into place. I mean, they began a slow movement in the right direction when I got the Turkey job, but now the ball is rolling.

I am days away from having health insurance. In the past, I have always had a hard time taking time off for doctor's appointments. As in, asking for the time off. Some things just feel awkward, and for me, this is one of them. Plus, one of the ways I make up for being a learning disabled idiot at work who can't learn how to use new programs that get rolled out is by doing the things that sometimes trip other people up - showing up on time, never taking long lunches, and not taking lots of time off.

Gay Crush/Boss is pretty cool though, and I'm fairly certain he will encourage me to go make sure I'm healthy. Hell, I am not even positive he will count that time off against my sick time.

Another thing I want to work on is my apartment. When I moved in I just shoved all my furniture in here. The assumption was that I would be in this apartment for a year at most. Four years later, my dining room table is still on its side leaning against the wall,  the leaf leaning against another wall, with the chairs stacked on top of each other. I need to make peace with this apartment. It's rent-controlled, and with rents out of control in San Francisco, it's pretty clear I'm going to be here awhile.

So I want to sell the furniture that's not working, and accept this apartment as my home. Get rid of the stupid chair I sit in all the time, and get a couch.

There are some mental health issues I want to deal with. That whole "being poor" thing really fucked me up in multiple ways. Ever since I moved into this apartment, my skin has been unhappy. Hives and other random skin irritations. So I'd like to get that looked at. Pretty sure I was supposed to see my eye doctor sometime in mid-2012 so that should happen in the next couple of months. Let's not even talk about the dentist (unless you'll come with me and hold my hand), but suffice it to say I've got to tackle the teeth.

On top of all that, I want to get my gym on - Gay Crush/Boss will pay for a membership so I should take him up on that. You know how often in magazines they'll say "Before embarking on any workout routine, see your doctor"? Well, I should ... see a doctor. Get some blood tests or whatever people do at doctors these days. Apparently you can email your doctors now.

End Days Ending Even More!

Silliyak, thank you.

Last week I had lunch with (three different people, on three different days, and then went to a party on the weekend) the new associate from my old firm. The one from the Midwest. She's at the new firm with Turkey.

As of last Friday, almost two and a half months after working with him, Turkey's new secretary refused to work with him any longer. I am trying to not take too much happiness in this as I fear it's bad karma, but to be honest ... ha ha.

As for me? Gay Crush offered me a job a week and a half after my last day of working for Turkey. Yes. I know. !!! For a month and a half I worked from home while the new office was under construction. I am Gay Crush's first full-time employee ever. I am nervous for him. He literally has to cut his salary in order to pay mine. Luckily though, he is super busy and has a lot of client work. Yesterday he talked about billing out my time. As a legal assistant. Um, okay I guess. If the clients will pay for me to do all the same stuff I usually do as a legal secretary, then why not? (You may be wondering why they would pay if this is what I normally do. The answer is, the clients don't really know I exist yet - they're used to Gay Crush being a solo operation which means they're used to paying for him to do everything they need. So from their point of view, they can either pay $325 an hour for GC to print out and organize multiple contracts, or $100 an hour for me to do it. I'm just saying that at other firms, I do that type of thing for free.)

I am trying hard to get over my gay crush on Gay Crush, because it's not productive to have a gay crush on your boss. He will need a new blog name once I've accomplished that.

Hey, want to hear a story? Once upon a time, back when I worked in New York, I went to my boss and told her I would like more work, that I didn't have enough to do. When coworkers found out I'd done that, they said that was wrong, that one NEVER tells their boss that. I felt sure I'd done the right thing. I wanted more to do. Yeah, it turned out they were right. My boss gave me more, so much more in fact, that it was too much. Granted, she gave me one task that involved being tethered to my desk and one that required walking around the department floor, two things you can't do simultaneously. Maybe she just picked the wrong thing to give me to do as extra work.

Ever since then though, I have never ever made that mistake again in case it turned out the same way. I just screw around online pretending to be busy while waiting for more work.

Working with Gay Crush is different. We had what we called "an interview" but really it was just 15 minutes of sitting down and seriously talking about how it would be to work together. I told him, "I've never worked with a friend before, and as a friend, I've told you things I wouldn't ever tell an employer, and I'm not sure how that will work out ..." Gay Crush nodded and confessed he'd thought the same thing. To which I thought, "Really?! What did you tell me that you consider a secret? I'm so excited! What do I know?"

Basically we agreed that we have a lovely friendship and we are both good people who are direct, and we will simply talk about any issues that come up before they turn into something big. When I made my initial statement I was referring to him knowing about my learning disabilities. So far it's been fine. Last week we had to have computer training for a new program. Together. Over the phone with a third party (in England! with an accent! ask me to say repository!). The training was an hour long, and to be honest after about 35 minutes I was finished. I kept finding myself not paying attention. I worried. What if Gay Crush later got frustrated with me because he'd think I should know something since he knew it and I was with him when he learned it?

But I jotted down questions, and it turned out we had very similar ones, and that we also had the same concerns with the program. I think it's working out fine. Maybe I'm not quite as stupid as I think.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon Gay Crush asked, "I'm keeping you busy enough, right?" and since we're having this super honest relationship, I broke my own rule, and told him, "No." He seemed surprised, and confirmed, "No?!" I smiled gently. "I've kind of been spreading things out. It seems like we're in a holding pattern until I have access to the client network." Um, and until we've ordered folders so I can file all the random paperwork you've tossed at me. Hopefully I didn't just screw myself by being this honest. We shall see.

The End of The End Days

We had this client. Judy. This nice older Italian lady from New York. Who has a house in San Francisco. Who also happened to be dying of recurring breast cancer. Judy spends her time flying between Sloan Kettering in New York and Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. She spends all her money on her health and her legal problems.

I've probably told you before that Turkey is a psychopath. I actually looked up the definition of that and sociopath to figure out which one he was. Why yes, I DO (not) have a degree in psychology, obtained from Google University! The only thing Turkey doesn't fit is the torturing animals thing. Anyway, one of Turkey's cute personality quirks is that when he knows of a weakness in someone, he digs in. Visually, I see it as someone pointing out a bullet hole, and Turkey taking two fingers, pushing them into the hole, wiggling them around until the wound starts bleeding, then skipping off into the sunset, confused about why the person is angry at and hurt by him. I have watched him do this to people. More than once.

Sometimes Judy is only in town for a day and a half. One time Turkey insisted she had to come to the office to go over something. During a heat wave. At a time when Judy had just gotten off a cross-country flight and was preparing to fly to Los Angeles the next day. Turkey is notorious for being late. Severely late. Also, for jumping up in the middle of a meeting to run to the toilet while his ass explodes. Multiple times. So Judy showed up to our office, and she didn't look good. I immediately got her some cold water. She was pale and sweating. Her hair was a mess. I felt awful that she'd been hauled over to our offices when she clearly didn't feel well. Parking her in the conference room with water, I went to let Turkey know she'd arrived.

Of course, he had her sit. And sit. I kept checking on her every 15 minutes. Turkey kept making her wait while he worked in his office on something he claimed had come up that was "urgent," his favorite word. Judy waited almost an hour. Finally I pointed out to Turkey that he had another appointment coming up, after Judy's, and did he want me to cancel that. No, no he did not.

It was awkward. I'd go into the conference room, apologize to Judy, ask if she needed more water, maybe a Snapple, and she'd just ask if Turkey knew she was there. "Oh yes, I told him when you arrived, and have been reminding him every 15 minutes." He just doesn't care. Had Judy not really needed legal advice, I think she would have left. She looked worse and worse. Finally, after Judy had been waiting almost an hour and a half, Turkey "realized" the time.

Calling me into his office, Turkey told me to reschedule Judy. "Turkey, she's been waiting for over an hour!" He looked at me as if I was nuts. "Well, I have an appointment, what do you want me to do?" I stared at him like the idiot he was. "Be late for it, and meet with the person who made the effort to get to your office despite not feeling well." If you're thinking, "Isn't it kind of inappropriate to talk to your boss this way?" the answer is yes, and I knew I was taking a gamble.

Turkey was quietly loving it. He thrives on drama. Even if it's the type of drama that makes people angry at him. You can just see his body language get happy - I've never seen anything like it before.

Wondering what happened to Judy? Well, I suggested to Turkey that he have her walk downstairs and ride to his destination with him, and then he could just get out of the cab and give her money for the cab to take her home. That way he could get to his meeting without losing time but he'd still be honoring his commitment to Judy. Turkey refused.

Instead, he literally SNUCK OUT OF THE OFFICE on the coattails of a couple of delivery people complete with crouching down and everything, leaving us to tell Judy ... whatever. I almost cried. I was so embarrassed to be working for this idiot, and so angry and frustrated on her behalf. Judy couldn't quite comprehend what I was telling her at first. But ... did he realize she'd been waiting for him? Yes, yes he did. Did he realize she was only in town a short time? Yes, yes he did. And that she wasn't feeling well and had hauled herself over here despite that? Yes, yes he did. I did not make any excuses past the initial, "Turkey asked that I apologize that he had to miss this meeting, and that we reschedule when you'll next be in town."

Judy stared at me in shock, trying to wrap her head around what had been done to her. I walked her all the way down to the street and hailed a cab for her while she waited in the shade. Then Turkey fired her.

So you may understand why I rejected Turkey's offer of two weeks of severance pay in exchange for signing his release of claims, and said that I hoped he would consider putting the money he saved in not paying my severance, towards the Judy's bill, so he's suing the woman dying of breast cancer for less money. Office Manager did the same thing. Turkey probably won't reduce her bill. Judy will never know what we did. But every time I think about whether or not I'm an idiot to have foregone the money, the decision made feels like the right one.

The End Days

It's hard to know where to begin. I'm trying to begin at the beginning of the end, but it's hard to know where that is. Maybe it's January 4th, when Turkey announced he was shutting down the firm, and then promptly laid off the office manager using that as an excuse, while the truth was that (he desperately needed him) Turkey was scared of Office Manager, after OM began showing his anger at how shittily Turkey was treating him.

I think my last day of work was February 19th. It was definitely a Wednesday. The last two days nearly killed me. We were trying to pack up the office, get everything out of storage (about 240 boxes filled with files), and wrap up a few legal cases that weren't being transferred to the new firm.

Turkey was barely in the office during the last couple of weeks. Each day I came home with new paper cuts and sore arms from moving boxes (yay for muscles!). In my last week of working for him, I never even saw Turkey. He called the office a few times, but he didn't come in. So my goodbye was very anti-climactic. There was nobody there except Turkey's part-time accounting lady on my last day.

By my last day, Turkey and I still hadn't resolved that severance issue. I'd taken the liberty of filling in the agreement with how many weeks I wanted (we'd discussed it, and I'd explained why I honestly thought my request was fair).  I'd asked Turkey for four weeks of severance after he initially offered three. I worked with him for almost two years, longer than ANY OTHER secretary lasted, through three suicides (his mother, a peer, and a cousin), four personal assistants, two office managers, several lawsuits, the purchase of his country home (which was a lot of work for us, though it shouldn't have been), etc. Oh, and I was walking away with 88 hours of sick time accrued (but not used). Also, Turkey saved money because although he initially offered me health insurance, he never managed to pay for it, which meant I didn't have it. Originally he'd said he would pay up to $500 per month towards health insurance. Never happened. He saved thousands.

This past week, I got a new severance agreement in the mail. With my name spelled incorrectly AGAIN. There's something to the fact that I got both my employment and severance agreements with a misspelled name. In this new severance agreement, Turkey offered me two weeks, one less than he initially started out offering me. You could say I'm lucky to be offered anything at all. That I was greedy to ask for more than he started out offering, and this reduction is my punishment. Maybe that's true.

I spent an hour on the phone with the Office Manager. He was offered even less severance than I was. The severance is connected to a release. Turkey's goal is to give you as little severance as he thinks he can get away with, while still getting you to sign that release saying you won't sue him. OM told me he was thinking of not signing, and foregoing the severance. Nothing speaks louder than money to Turkey. He throws money at problems, and views whoever has the most money as the most important, most impressive. So to reject his money will blow his mind. It's crazy, but so is Turkey. I am tempted to join OM, but go one step farther. Cliffhanger!

Let's Talk About My Gay Crush

My Gay Crush is so, so pretty. I was able to get a friend hired at Turkey & Associates to help with boxing up files so she was there today when he stopped by. She agreed that he's pretty.

Did I tell you about the present he gave me? A while back he went to Manhattan for a week, and while he was there, went to a fancy candle shop and created a candle with a scent he had them make from a feminized version of his cologne (which, hilariously, he assured me he gets a lot of compliments on), that came with a label that had my name on it and everything.

Also, he insisted I send him my resume, as he is contracting at a lovely firm that I'd be happy to work at, and within four hours of my sending the resume to him, he'd submitted it to the firm. If only all networking could be this easy.

Because we are shutting down the firm, Turkey's Personal Assistant (in case you're keeping track, in the less than two years I've worked for him, there have been four) has been spending a lot more time in the office doing moving things. All the subtenants have to move out, including Gay Crush, who really just keeps his furniture there since Baby Lawyer's been using it, but when he was told this is happening, he ordered a shipment of boxes so he could box up his stuff to move. PA ordered boxes too. Boxes came and she used three before it was discovered they were GC's. We apologized and I promised when ours came we would give him three. I decided to move his boxes out of the sunken living room and into GC's office (behind a locked door) so that the same mistake couldn't happen again, and PA said to me with a smile, "Just grab one more!" Um, that's stealing. Are you freaking crazy? I was only able to give GC two of our boxes, so tossed in a ream of paper as a substitute. I didn't tell the PA I did that, because she has this attitude that Turkey is the most important person around. Which I understand - he's the one who signs her checks, but it's still quite uncool to blatantly steal from someone. 

Turkey wants me to sign a release in exchange for giving me severance. GC encouraged me to let him look it over. Firstly, I've worked with Turkey for almost two years, and he still can't spell my last name right. Yogurt does NOT have two T's! Secondly, there are blanks in the most important parts (where it says how many weeks of severance I get) and the release is unsigned. Part of the release says that I am required to sign within seven days of being given this thing. Oh wait - that's only if I'm under 40. If I'm over 40, then I get 21 days. How is that not age discrimination? Also, I am allowed to discuss the release with nobody except (whoopsie!) my spouse or domestic partner. So again, discrimination, this time against single people. Wow, and the thing is only like two and a half pages!

Clearly I'm ignoring that shit. I forwarded the release to Gay Crush pointing out the two issues I had with it, and he agreed and pointed out a third. You know what makes me a little uncomfortable about my friendship with him? Every time we go to lunch, he insists on paying. He's a mensch that way, and it's gentlemanly and sweet and appreciated. But. He always waves me off, even when I ask to leave the tip, claiming I help him out so much, lunch is the least he can do. Except ... he's helped me a lot lately. It's at the point where I'm kind of tempted to slip the waitstaff my credit card when GC isn't looking and simply beat him to paying the bill. Though I know a few people who would get horribly bent out of shape at somebody doing that, so I don't know.

Lastly, Gay Crush recently wore dark jeans, a button-down checked shirt, a sweater-vest, a tie, and designer sunglasses. If Robert Palmer decided to bring back the videos with a slew of girls all dressed the same except switched out girls for guys, Gay Crush would totally get a prime spot.

Jealousy

Last Friday Turkey and I were talking in the conference room, and he suggested that he'd know something when he does his taxes - either this April or October. Then based on what he found out when he filed his taxes, I could file mine.

I looked at him quizzically. "I already filed my 2012 taxes." Turkey could not process this fact, and immediately proceeded to ask me if I'd filed my 2012 taxes three times, in three different ways. At one point he said to me, "But you couldn't have."

Actually, I could have, and I did. Turkey gave me the prior year's tax form, and the very next weekend I spent close to an hour cranking out my taxes.

Maybe four or so years ago, there was an associate working for Turkey whose wife was pregnant. Something happened in utero to the fetus, and the baby came out with all sorts of problems. Turkey promptly fired the associate, claiming he'd have to take off too much time from work for doctor's appointments. Last month I was told it was that associate who reported Turkey to the IRS and caused him to get audited.

Immediately after the tax talk with Turkey, he began tossing papers at me to throw away. In my head, I immediately began frantically peeling the onion to figure out why Turkey's mood had turned so sharply. Then I realized - I'd bested him. My taxes are so simple that I do them myself. He has three different accountants. He always has to file for an extension while I filed my taxes almost three months before the deadline.

Turkey always has to be better than other people. He went to two different Ivy League universities. I barely made it through community college. He can not be bested by someone like me.

Today someone from the Ethics Commission called.

Three Months Shy

Within a year and a half of working for the Turkey, I had saved up enough money to live on for a year. Not lavishly or anything, but I could get by. On Friday Turkey announced he is shutting down the law firm. He has accepted a position as a partner at another firm. Ten minutes after that announcement, he laid off the office manager, and two hours later, was having the locks re-keyed. Within an hour of being told, I was on the phone with a headhunter, and solidly got her on Team Green - she is going to coldcall some of her clients where she thinks I would be a good fit, and see if they can make a position for me. Ten minutes after that (thank goodness for lunch hours) I was talking to a second one - the one who placed me with Nice Partner, Tuna, and Cowboy.

I was out of work three months shy of four years. During that time I had some long-term temp jobs of course. Three months here and two months there. But that whole concept of being a super-star where you temp so they'll beg you to become permanent never worked for me. Job luck is not my type of luck. You want to find a penny on the street? I'm your girl! A job, though? No, sorry.

Turkey's announcement came when I am three months shy of working for him for two years. He assured me that I will have a job through the end of the month, maybe even a week or two past that. He's sorry he can't bring me to the new firm, a firm that has a posting up on their website for a legal secretary (which I applied to three days before Turkey's big news, coincidentally). Turkey claims the firm doesn't like incoming partners to bring their own secretaries, because then neither person integrates well into the firm. You never know if you can believe Turkey.

What I know for sure is that I have lasted longer than any other secretary (the office manager, who has access to these sorts of records, told me). What I know for sure is that I have not been able to get a good night's sleep since hearing the news. What I know for sure is that being out of work as long as I was? It did something bad to me, mentally, emotionally. Something that never quite got fixed. That low-level panic I had all the time? It's back.

The glancing 10 times in six seconds at a price? The rapid mental calculations? The feeling of something substantial yet slight, like a goose, sitting on your chest, making it hard to breathe? The urge to clean out your home so you won't have a hard time packing your shopping wagon when you become homeless? They are all back. Three months shy of two years. Join me, won't you? In saying fuuuuuuuuck.

Behind Turkey's Back

Several months ago, when Turkey realized I had been working for him for over a year, he gave me an "anniversary" gift from the store where his partner works. It was a very nice gift, but completely impractical for me, my home, and my lifestyle. For example, it was over 20 cumbersome lbs of dead weight, and I walk about a mile to get home. The office manager was kind enough to hide it among other boxes in his office for me, while I figured out what to do.

Immediately upon receiving it I (thanked Turkey) knew I wanted to return/exchange it, but had to sort out how to go about that. Didn't want to show up with it at the store and have the partner find out. Because Turkey is not the type to just want me to be happy - he's the type to want me to be happy because of something he did. He would not take it well to find out I went to the store.

At first I kept calling the store, asking for the partner, and then hanging up when an employee would say, "Sure, please hold a moment." Because that meant I couldn't take a taxi and take the thing there to exchange. After about a week of this I was fed up, and tired of prank-calling the store. Next I thought about putting an ad on Craigslist to hire someone to do this for me. When I talked about it with a friend, she said she'd go.

Last week we finally made it happen. I gave her $20 for a cab and directions on how to get there and how to get back home, and called for the freight elevator. Oh, before getting the freight elevator I brought her into Turkey's office to show her a picture of his partner. "Avoid this guy. We don't want him finding out and telling Turkey." An hour later I got a text. "He was the only one there, but didn't bat an eye. Smelled like cat piss though." Well alrighty. I wrote back thanking her, and added that they don't have a cat.

Today was our holiday lunch. Turkey handed out gifts to the four of us. We were given more stuff from his Partner's store. I genuinely liked the cashmere infinity scarf, but not the color. WASP didn't want to trade with me, but that was okay. I saw in Turkey's calendar that he was picking his partner up at 5 pm and decided today would be my adventure to his store.

They closed at 6 pm. I get out of work at 5:30, but left about 15 minutes early. The bus was 18 minutes late. I arrived at the store seven minutes before they closed, with the scarf and the store credit my friend gave me.

You know how in movies, sometimes a character will dramatically peak around a corner to see what's beyond the wall? That was totally me. Even though I had visualized this going smoothly (what? it works for Olympic athletes!), you just never know - maybe Turkey would be meeting his partner at the store for some reason.

But no - that did not happen. I found a nice lady and told her, "I want to exchange one thing for a different color, and have a store credit that I'd like to use to buy something for that exact price." I was totally prepared. This is a high-end store. They are used to people spending four hours there trying to decide what to buy. Not me. It turned out both items were even on the same table.

Start to finish, it was 13 minutes. Two of them were wasted finding someone to help me, and six were wasted trying to make the scanner/computer work. I spent more time waiting for the bus! It's a really lovely store, and I'd love to take my time wandering around touching everything (some time when they're not about to close), but the fact that my boss's partner works there kind of ruins it for me. I have such a difficult relationship with Turkey that I don't want to worry about having to deal with his partner. So handling everything at once and getting out of there quickly makes me very happy.

The Karma Executioner

The Turkey is tough to work with. He leaves you unsure if you're coming or going. You prepare for a meeting, and somehow wind up getting in trouble. He comes to talk to you about a client, then leaves abruptly in the middle of the discussion, then comes back to ask why you haven't done something else. Um, because you forgot to assign it to me?

On Tuesday we were scheduled to have a staff meeting at 9:30. I arrived at work, promptly printed out our client status sheet that gets reviewed at these meetings, made copies for everyone, and considered myself ready. Turkey did not arrive at the office until slightly after 11am. By that time, everyone had given up on the staff meeting and gone on to do other work. At ten after the hour, Turkey was in the office. He walked around telling everyone we were going to start our meeting now. People were deep in the middle of documents, on the phone with clients, etc. It took a few minutes for everyone to find a stopping point and gather in the conference room. When we got there, Turkey yelled at all of us about how disappointed he was that we weren't all prepared and timely.

One of my coworkers mentioned the feeling of being spun in circles with a blindfold on, multiple times, and then being told to walk a straight line - that feeling of not knowing what direction is straight, not knowing where to aim for first.

Today I had five calls scheduled for Turkey in the afternoon. I rarely know how long each call will take, so I guess and hope for the best. If I know for sure something will turn into a long call, I schedule that one last. This afternoon Turkey showed up for the day around 2:45pm (he had two lunches to go to today, yes two, and no, that's not usual - it's the first time he had two in one day). For the following two hours I kept that man running. Whatever he was doing, I was in his face, holding up a post-it, interrupting to tell him someone was on hold, reminding him a client was expecting his call eight minutes earlier. At one point, Turkey stood outside his office and turned in a slow circle, unsure of what direction to go in. Should he go back in the WASP's office to finish his conversation with her? Meet with the Office Manager to get payroll in on time (yes)? Go pick up the phone?

Our Baby Lawyer saw it and laughed. She told me it was great that he was finally feeling today the way he makes all of us feel on a regular basis. The phrase she used was "karma executioner" when saying how nice it was to see him getting a taste of his own medicine.

Messenger

Oh Turkey. You're Pigpen, in real life. You know it, and you aren't even ashamed of it. You don't care. Let's review what happened today, shall we? We normally have a staff meeting on Mondays at 9:30 wait let's stop. Staff meetings are scheduled for then, but they never start at that time. Why? Because of you, Turkey. Because you never arrive at the office then. Let's proceed. We all thought we weren't having the staff meeting this morning because you called an impromptu one last Friday. We were wrong though - you wanted one today. So we were all ready today at 9:25. All of us except you. You rolled into the office at 10:20 and asked if everybody was ready. Um, yes Turkey. The meeting went quickly since everything had been discussed one working day prior to today. Then you called me into your office.

"I did something really stupid, and I need you to help me." I nodded at you with wide and confident eyes. I have perfected this look. This look that says tell me all about how much of a fuckup you are, and I will not laugh to your face. Instead, I will fix it for you. Then I will race home to blog about it. 

Turkey, what have you done now? You drove to work and forgot your briefcase? The briefcase that has all the work you did over the weekend? Oh, and also the work you needed to finish up and get out to clients today? You're giving me what now? Your garage door opener and a key? You're giving me both because you can't remember if you left your briefcase on the floor of the garage or in the vestibule inside the locked door? Okay. I will call a messenger, have them come to the office to fetch these, then go to your house where they are to use one or both to find your briefcase. Upon fetching it, they are to close the garage door and bring the briefcase, garage door opener and key back to the office? Oh, and you drew me a diagram of where in their house they can go? Fine.

I call the messenger service. They send a guy. Who takes over an hour to get to our office. I hand him the stuff, and explain the diagram. He leaves. He returns with a briefcase and the stuff. I thank him. Turkey what did you say when I handed you the briefcase? That's right - you moaned, "Oh nooooo! That's the wrong briefcase! This is my laptop! How could he not tell that's a laptop briefcase?"

Turkey, because this is my blog, let me be honest with you here. I couldn't tell from the outside that the briefcase is a laptop briefcase. And that dude is a messenger. He rides a fucking bike for a living. You really think he's well-versed in different types of briefcases? No. No he is not.

So Turkey, in your infinite wisdom, tell me to get a messenger back, and this time, when they come to the office, they are to talk to you directly. Because of all of a sudden you are now magically able to recall exactly where the proper bag is in your house. Or your garage. So I call the messenger service. The woman goes silent. "It's okay to laugh, this whole thing is kind of ridiculously funny," I urge her. She laughs. We laugh together. I tell Office Manager what's going on, hand him the garage door opener and key, and leave for lunch.

When I get back to the building, Turkey you are standing in the lobby talking on your cell phone. I smile at you, and you gesture wildly at me. I nod wisely and proceed to the elevator, completely unsure of what you were trying to communicate to me. In our penthouse, I ask Office Manager what's going on. He tells me the messenger arrived, Turkey wasn't there, and since their instructions had been to talk to Turkey before going to his house and he's not there to talk with, they refused to go, and left our office. To say I laughed would be an understatement.

When you came upstairs Turkey, you were told this. Your solution was to announce that you would leave to go home and work from there in 15 minutes, and then promptly go to the bathroom. Where you dropped two sets of keys, which Office Manager was kind enough to pick up and get back to you, though you didn't acknowledge, let alone thank him. According to what had just happened you should have left the office by 2:50 (I took a late lunch).

Turkey, you left to begin work for the day at 4:45 p.m. Now I know this time change has screwed up a lot of people, but this is ridiculous. Let's pull our shit together and to better tomorrow, hmmm?

Therapy Dogs Are Everywhere

I'm having a really difficult week.  I'm still recovering from a flu (this is week 3). There's been a heat-wave, which is never good news. Something horrible happened to my back yesterday and there have been muscle spasms going on for the last 36 hours or so that make it difficult to walk and breathe. Sitting hurts. Standing is exhausting, plus there's the worry of falling down due to the feeling of muscle weakness. Laying down hurts. My boss has been extra difficult lately.

I'm just really, really tired lately. Tonight I didn't even go to the library! Normally I go every Wednesday night, because it's the only night during the week they're open late.

Today I'd agreed that I would take the earlier lunch hour rather than the later one I prefer, as a favor to the Office Manager. He was going to a Thing, and wanted to take an extra-long lunch to attend it. So at noon I hobbled off to lunch.

Because of all my back problems I decided to go nearby to a little Japanese place for lunch. Got the food. Sat down. Promptly had soup go down the wrong pipe. Did that choking cough you do when that happens. Over and over. People looked. So I tried to stop. Except, I was still choking. Then, all in the same moment, three things happened. I was choking, suddenly about to throw up, and realized I was over-heating.

I had to get the hell out of there, immediately. Looked at my not-quite-half-eaten food. Looked at the long line at the register. Made the decision to let it go, and just throw it out - no time to wait in line to ask for to-go stuff. Apparently I was feeling worse than I realized, and weaker too, because when I tipped the tray into the trash can for all the food to slide in, I lost my grip on that tray and it slid right in also.

My first instinct was to plunge an arm in there and haul that tray out. That's the proper thing to do, right? You make a mistake, you fix it. My second instinct was pure self-preservation. If I leaned over, I was going to throw up. Fact. Looking around, it was clear nobody had seen. I'm not proud of what I did next. I left. Walked right out.

I just wanted to avoid throwing up or passing out in public, and if at all possible, doing either at all. An office building with a lobby full of chairs called my name, and I sat down. Made a phone call. An airing of the grievances, if you will. Ten minutes left of a lunch hour, and I headed back to the office. Popped a piece of gum in an effort to get rid of the throw-up taste in my mouth, and decided to pop into my favorite store near the office.

When I walked in, I saw an older couple with two dogs looking at home furnishings. My hesitation only lasted for a half a second before I zoomed over. "Hi. I'm having a terrible day. Could I please pet your dogs?" Must have looked suitably pathetic, because they smiled and introduced Sadie and Ivy as I sank to my knees. For five or so minutes, I sat on the floor of a very expensive store where old monied ladies have their drivers park in no-parking places while store employees carry out bags to the car.  The couple discussed vases and coffee table books while I sat at their feet and a dog with very large eyes looked into mine and kept kissing my hand.

Eventually I hauled myself back to my feet, thanked the couple, and went back to work. While sitting in the office lobby I had contemplated leaving early for the day, citing illness. After being emotionally fortified by the dogs, that was no longer necessary.

Tomorrow I will see Le Pooch, and her snuggles will be even better, more meaningful and more healing. I am sorry for having cheated on her with other dogs. Clearly, I am the perfect candidate for a therapy dog.

We Will Not Step Over Him

(Encyclopedia_Brown, thank you, that was very sweet.)

So Turkey fired the Sub. In a weird twist of what-the-fuckness, the Sub claimed to Turkey and Office Manager (who was there as a witness) that I was trying to sabotage his job. Turkey has clearly been drinking the Green Kool Aid because according to Office Manager, totally stood up for me and was all, "Green would NEVER do that! She has tried over and over to help you!" Which is true. I did try to help him as much as I could. I'm touched that Turkey knew.

Now we're working on getting a new Personal Assistant. Turkey is interviewing someone tomorrow. At his country home (which he's at for the week). I am terrified this poor girl will show up at his house and Turkey will be naked, save for socks, in the pool. By the way, Turkey is very scatter-brained. He decided to spend the first week of each summer month at his country home. I decided, why stop there? So I scheduled him to go there through the rest of the year for the first week of every month. Let's see what happens!

Anyway. I got outrageously stressed out about the Sub being fired. I almost called in sick the day it was going to happen. The PA and Sub are good friends. Turkey's been having the PA work from home so today was the first time she showed up at the office in almost a month. She tried to tell me that if I get the chance, I should go to Burning Man. Ha ha ha! Clearly she doesn't know me at ALL.

The good thing about her showing up at the office though, was that she told me the Sub was given two weeks severance pay, and a week after being fired he got another job. He really deserved to be let go. I felt bad about it so it was quite a relief to hear he found work so easily. Whenever I hear about anyone being out of work I am instantly terrified for them that they will go through what I did, and have to stifle the urge to ask if they need some tampons or toothpaste.

Fun With Bosses!

We have sub-tenants. I do stuff for them. Sometimes I am asked to do stuff for them that falls outside of the parameters of what is appropriate. That happened Thursday. I spoke with Office Manager about it. He in turn, spoke with Turkey about it. And then this happened Friday! That check is gonna be sooooo big!
 

From: Turkey Lawyerstein
Sent: Friday, August 10, 2012 10:30 AM
To: Green Yogurt
Subject: Sub-tenant

I was going to call him this afternoon.  Before I do,  I want to make sure I am assuming things correctly.  I assume that this is not about money, but the frustration.  And not sure that money makes up for the frustration.   I only ask because the previous person at your desk said she would put up with the frustration if my subtenant paid her for very limited duties such as reception, sorting mail, greeting guests  asking them if they want a beverage.    And my subtenant gladly did so.      Please tell me if you feel the same way as the recent person, as I do not want to deprive you of an opportunity if you want one.

 

		From: Green Yogurt Sent: Friday, August 10, 2012 1:32 PM To: Turkey Lawyerstein Subject: Sub-tenant

There are two separate issues.

1.      What Office Manager discussed with you yesterday, and what I have been forced to pull you in to deal with on a couple of occasions – when clients of Sub-tenant are interrupting me to ask questions about their case, asking me to make voluminous photocopies for them, asking me to write or review a check for them, asking a question about their opposing party, etc. There are already five employees of Lawyerstein & Associates breaking my concentration multiple times a day to ask me questions, give me work, etc. In addition to that the phones are often very busy.  There are also deliveries coming in throughout the day, plus people coming to me to ask other coworkers’ schedules, coworkers informing me when office machinery has broken down, etc. On top of all that, I am trying to get filing done, create closing binders, help train someone with zero legal and little office experience, fix mistakes made by the personal assistant, update various lists we keep, and a myriad of other duties.  I am often rushing to complete assignments for you within a reasonable timeframe, and simply do not have time to stop my work to stand in front of the copy machine un-stapling documents to copy and re-compile them for subtenants’ clients.  Making a quick copy of one check is understandable, but having to spend ten or more minutes at the copier during a busy time of day is very difficult. Having to take time away from my work for you to explain to a Sub-tenant client why it would be unethical or create liability issues for me to review checks or documents, or answer questions is both time-consuming and stressful (due to having to deal with the client’s unhappiness with my inability to do what they want). 

2.      In your email below you write that the person in my position previously would put up with frustration related to limited duties such as reception, sorting mail, greeting guests and asking if they want a beverage because your subtenant paid them to do that.  I HAVE BEEN DOING ALL OF THOSE THINGS FOR OVER A YEAR WITHOUT REIMBURSEMENT FROM THE SUBTENANTS.  When I started working here, it was implied that doing the above tasks was simply part of my job.  Based on what you say below however, that is not the case, so I am requested to be paid retroactively for the year-plus of doing these tasks.  These tasks, in addition to reserving the conference rooms for subtenants, is not at all a problem.  The problem is when the clients of subtenants come to the office and take up my time by asking questions, discussing their surprise at finding out that nobody from Sub-tenant is here for them to talk with, requesting I review or copy documents, etc. It seems that Sub-tenant clients are led to believe there is a full office here, with Sub-tenant attorneys, their files, and staff of whom they can ask questions.  Obviously this is not the case, but I am the person who has to break this news and then deal with their disappointment, confusion and questions, all of which is time-consuming.

Thank you for taking the time to address this issue.  

Now guys,  that paragraph where Turkey is emailing to me? All I changed were the proper nouns. Sentence structure, punctuation, spacing, etc. All his. To be honest, that's one of his best emails. If you took out the extra spaces and the "And"'s that start two sentences it would practically pass as a paragraph written by someone with an Ivy League education. In case you were wondering, Turkey wrote back to me (he was out of the office last week) suggesting that we discuss this "live" on Monday. I can't wait. Oh, and here's a fun tidbit: Sub-tenant never paid the person in my position previously. That's right, Turkey lied. Poor Turkey was a bit delirious yesterday. He was out of town at his country home (in the country), and told me that on Thursday it was 105 degrees. He's been doing a lot of construction on his home, and I joked, "Project number one: Air conditioning!" and Turkey responded, "Oh no. That's too expensive. I have a fan. But I can't figure out how to put it together." On Friday he still hadn't gotten the fan going.  Sometimes these blog posts practically write themselves. 

From Scratch

So that guy who was brought in as the substitute for Nicki, Turkey's personal assistant? (Oh my god, the stairs are right outside my apartment door and while I was typing the previous sentence I heard someone clomping up them and then, they tripped! Tripped!)

Oh wait. Remember how I told you that the PA was being fired? Like, at least a month ago? Well, she's still here. As of right now, she's been demoted. Her hours have been slashed in half. Office Manager is not normally the type, but on Tuesday he totally told Turkey a true tale about how the PA does lots of personal work while she's on the clock and it offends him.

Now you may think that's lame, but the thing is, everyone surfs the web while at work. Everyone makes a personal call every so often. The key is that you are quiet about it. You close the screen when somebody walks over. You only make personal calls when the office is quiet and nobody will need you. Anyway. So the PA has been demoted, and meanwhile, that substitute guy is still here.

Turkey likes him. Swear to god, Turkey commented on his body to his face just this past week. We don't really need the Sub, but Turkey thinks he could prove useful eventually, so he's keeping him around, and calling him the firm's Client Development Manager. Sub's  real job is being a professional fundraiser for a specific type of company. I didn't even know that was a thing, did you? Sub skipped his high school graduation to leave for Europe, and didn't come back for about 13 years. So it's great that he's tri-lingual, but bad that he's got no American office experience.

This is the guy who thought it was okay to send out a letter to a client folded in quarters. It's not. This is the guy who took a phone message but didn't include the date or time. This is the guy who is expected at work at 9am and has never once shown up before 9:10am. Also the guy who thought it was okay to send out solicitation letters to potential clients from Turkey, without having Turkey actually sign them.

To be fair, Turkey wants everyone to take initiative. Sub understood that to mean he didn't need to show Turkey the letters before they went out. He was wrong. Turkey wants people to take initiative by like, seeing that something needs to be done, and getting it done perfectly. Office Manager, Turkey and I all had a big meeting about Sub, and it has been determined that he is not stupid, he just has little office experience, no law firm experience, and no American office experience.

So while he knows how to say, re-fill a stapler, he doesn't know if a multi-page letter being given to Turkey for editing should be stapled or paper-clipped. (The answer is paper-clipped - Turkey hands back each page as he's edited it.) All this to say that come Monday, I will be trying to break down how one works in an office to the Sub.

I love training people. Not saying this to brag, but I'm excellent at it. I can turn anyone with a bit of intelligence into at least as a good a legal secretary as I am. This training will be a bit different though. I've never trained someone who's starting from zero. And I've got to find a way to do it without offending him. Monday is going to be interesting! (And, based on past experience, it'll also make my throat hurt from talking so much.)