Dammit Jim, I'm Not a Doctor

I'm really fucking brilliant. No seriously, I am. I solved the problem in Haiti of all those parent-less kids and all the people who had their homes destroyed. Nobody listens to me of course, which is why the world is not benefiting from my problem-solving solutions. But if someone were to ask me, I'd have answers ready. Just saying.

However. I am not a doctor. I'm not POTUS. Plainly put, I'm nobody important. A little over a decade ago, when the car I had was dying out, at one point I said to my father, "I feel like I either need a new car, or a cell phone for when the entire bottom of my car falls out while I'm going 60 mph on the Northern State or Meadowbrook Parkway."

I got a new car. I didn't get a cell phone until a couple of months after 9/11. When I first got it, I used to keep it off all the time and only turn it on when I had to call someone. Texting is blocked on my phone. If I need to tell someone something, I can call them. Or it can wait. Despite being the MTV generation, I don't actually need instant gratification.

So today when I realized my phone had accidentally been left at home while I was out running errands, it was not a catastrophe. I did not ask to borrow a stranger's phone. I did not rush home. I have seen people freak out upon realizing they left their cell phone at home. This does not compute. Who do these people think they are that they're so important that they must be reachable all the time? It amazes me to see the level of freaking out that people do when they either can't reach someone they know has a cell phone, or when they either don't have their cell phone or have it but it doesn't work for whatever reason.

Once, back when I lived in Florida, I was babysitting for my friend while she and her husband were going into Miami for a wedding. It was the first time they were leaving the baby with a non-family member. I was going to be with the baby for a minimum of seven hours. Less than two hours after my friend left, she'd come back home.

Why? Because she didn't have cell reception at the wedding location. She drove an hour back home because she'd worked herself into a tizzy that something would go wrong and I'd not be able to (handle it or) reach her. She told me this, and I said to her, "You left the wedding invitation here - if I couldn't reach you on your cell phone, I would have just called the wedding place and asked them to get you. You know, as if it were 1991 back when only drug dealers had cell phones the size of bricks." She got a sheepish look on her face and admitted to having panicked.

Yes, there are fewer pay phones these days, I acknowledge that. But really, if you can't go out for a few hours without fully paying attention to the people you're with, rather than all the people you can reach*, then yeah, I think that's a problem. The world will not come to a screeching halt just because you're out of touch for a while.

It's not that I want to go live in an isolated cabin in the woods and only engage with others once a month when I go into town for supplies or anything. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely see both the value and the fun of having a cell phone. My issue is simply with the level of panic I see people have when cell phones are not available to them.

*This does not include actual doctors or people whose job includes being available 24/7.

The Michael Jackson Thing

I've had this rolling around in my head for a week or so now, but with all this coverage of the funeral, it's spilling out. I just want to start out by saying that I liked a lot of the older MJ music. I liked his dancing. I have always separated the artist from their art. I can like a person without liking their art, and can like their art without feeling I need to profess my love for the artist.

There is no denying Michael Jackson was huge. It is a fact. However, I believe, and have believed since seeing his interview with Martin Bashir, that his hugeness was a huge part of Michael Jackson's problems. It was during the airing of that interview that I came to think Michael Jackson did not believe the rules and laws applied to him. (I happen to think Tupac Shakur had the same problem, by the way.)

You may be rolling your eyes and thinking things that involve the phrase "speaking ill of the dead" to which I roll my eyes back. Because this is all just Too Much. CNN just interviewed some woman (who does NOT have tickets to get into the Staples Center) standing on the street. She traveled by bus for three days from North Carolina to LA in order to attend this event. She said she sold all her belongings.

Really? REALLY? When you go home and are hungry and want to cook some pasta but realize you no longer have a POT to boil water, will you truly feel it was worth it? When it gets cold and you don't have a sweater or extra blanket will you feel like it was worth it? Sometimes grand gestures are not so grand. They are just stupid.

Another thing disgusting me this morning. There is a red carpet at this funeral. Celebrities are posing. For a funeral. Gross. I get that this is to celebrate Michael Jackson's life. But this is also a funeral.

How would you feel if your parent had just died, and millions of people who didn't even know him were crying over it, and screaming that they love him? Michael Jackson is not theirs to cry over. He "belongs" to his children. Well, and maybe those little boys he developed "special relationships" with too.

Don't talk to me about how Michael Jackson is an icon, how he invented the moonwalk. I know. I don't care. Los Angeles is asking people to donate money to pay for all the security they are forced to provide for crowd control.

X Equals Y! Hallelujah!

When I was in middle and high school, there was a tv show on some obscure channel, where some guy would do math problems for the camera. You could call in with a homework problem, and they'd do it on tv. This guy had a whiteboard and everything. I used to watch it sometimes. You know, like when my mom was about to walk in and I didn't want to get busted watching MTV.

It probably still exists now, or some version of it at least. Recently I thought I caught it out here in SF. But then I noticed the teacher was a woman who is a pastor. With the while collar and everything. She uses whiteboards too. Nothing good was on recently, and I stopped at the preacher's math channel to see what was being taught to the young folks these days.

Except ... the whiteboards were covered with more words than numbers. And some of the words didn't seem to be in English. I kept watching. Eventually the light bulb went off in my head.

This pastor woman is teaching the bible! That's why her math book is black! I looked into this further (so you don't have to; you're welcome) and Pastor Melissa Scott is slightly interesting.

Seems she was married to the original Pastor Scott - some old guy who used to do what she does, but then he croaked. So she took over. What interests me most is that the site claims she speaks 20 languages. When I listen to her speak, I hear so many different accents. Deep South, Midwest, Middle East, etc. Her speech is all over the map.

Within her world she's quite popular. The church she's in is HUGE! I'm not quite sure why there's a 1-800 number on the screen at all times since she doesn't seem to take bible questions from viewers. I kept the show on for over a half hour. Not one phone call. Maybe Phil Donahue could teach her a thing or two? Also, why does she seem so angry? And, if she's in LA, why hasn't she found someone better to wax her eyebrows? Can I get an Amen?!

I couldn't help but notice that if you want to write in to the show, there's a P.O. Box in Los Angeles. She's got P.O. Box 1. I bet that's because she's in tight with Jesus.

By the time her show is winding down the whiteboards are covered in words and colors. It looks like football plays, algebra, and jesus stuff, all mixed into one.

Oooh - this just in! 9am watches her when he's working out! Okay I can't stand this anymore. Good night. And god bless.

Interview Series Marches On

A while back I interviewed Nicole. Now she's turning the tables.

Is there a moment in your life you'd like to take back or do over? What about it would you change? So, so many of them. It's wrong to say "all of them," right? I became friends with a girl who has the same name I do at ballet, and invited her over to my house eventually. We were in my bedroom, laying on the floor playing while my mom was downstairs in the kitchen. I think we were about nine or 10, and she wanted to play with these cut-out doll things she found in my bookcase. For several years I'd been over the whole doll thing, but in trying to be a nice hostess I let her pick what we played.

She was fat. Not just a little overweight, but fat. And when she looked at the doll in her hand and said, "She's fat," I accidentally blurted out, "You shouldn't talk." I gasped. I don't think I've ever been more horrified at my own actions. She immediately put her head down in her arms and I didn't know what to do. So I left my bedroom and ran downstairs to tell my mother what I'd done. Of course, she told me I had to go back and apologize and to think before speaking in the future, so I did. The girl nodded and we went on playing.

We stayed friends for a year or two after that - as long as we were taking ballet together I think. It was one of those moments that made me think that maybe I was really a horrible person deep down, and I was just unable to hide it all the time.

Is there anyone in your past you wish you could say something to? Who would it be and why? You know, I got teased and bullied and made fun of so much growing up. And I've seen those Maury shows where a former loser confronts their bully after they've gotten implants and a short dress. I'd never do that. Not because I already have big boobs, but because the truth is, I don't think any of the kids who teased me feel all that badly about it. I think a third of them wouldn't remember it, a third would say I deserved it, and a third would say I should be over it.

I would really like to talk to my grandma again though. She died two months after I turned 18, while I was away at college. It was sudden, and the last time I'd spoken to her I'd felt like she was angry at me. It's not that there's something specific I'd like to say to her; I'd just like us to talk again. She was a true example of pure unconditional love, and it would be nice to thank her for that. While I was at it, I'd also thank her for keeping that shimmery unicorn sticker I gave her on her purse for two years, and for letting us watch cartoons in the morning before school. And for always having Pine Brothers cough drops in her purse.

And I'd ask her for her recipe for booze cake, because that was really good.

What blogs do you read regularly and why? You can see by the sidebars which blogs I read. The only ones I don't list are the ones that are password protected, because ... what's the point? Whoever you are, I am secretly fascinated by you, and I always have been. I want to know if you really like your job, look in your closet, meet your friends, look at your books, everything. As a little kid we used to take a lot of hellishly long car trips. I hated it. Spent a lot of time telling my dad the speed limit as it flashed by while my mom and brother slept. I'd also look at the people in the cars around us and wonder where they were going. If they liked the people in the car with them. If they were happy about where they were going.

I've never stopped thinking that way. I am interested in everybody. Reading people's blogs is a great way to people-watch.

What television show do you watch that you won't admit to your friends? Is there any lower low than The Hills (season finale tonight!)? I've been known to flip over to Oprah sometimes if I'm home for it. I've never been one of those people who tapes their soap opera or anything. Also, when Trixie lived here, she got the Oprah magazine, and I'd read that too.

If you're a blogger, what is the best post you think you've ever written? Can't answer this. The ones that got the most hits where when my family found out about my blog. Everyone's fascinated by a trainwreck, huh? But that wasn't great writing - that was numb writing. Some of the Loose Earlobe Lady posts were a lot of fun to write, as are some of the fucking yoga ones. This one was fun.

Daaaaa Hills!

Okay, who's watching with me? Let's discuss:

1. Who else is surprised that Heidi has lasted at her job as long as she has? Didn't you think for sure she'd have been fired ages ago?
2. Poor Audrina! What the hell is Lo's problem? Lo always seemed so nice before; why is she acting this way and who's going to smack her?
   
3. Justin Bobby is turning into a real person more and more! How is this possible?
   
4. Where's Whitney? She's my favorite.
   
5. Spencer was clearly going for the scruffy look, but it doesn't work on him. Doesn't he realize he's the only one who has nothing going on in his life?
   

Justin Bobby Used Crest White Strips!

I was a little behind in my Hills watching project and caught up today. How exciting to see Justin Bobby sober! How exciting that Justin Bobby can now maintain eye contact for a full three seconds! I am 100% Team Audrina and hoping she is not swayed by his inarticulate compliments though.

Heidi is being an ass (what's new?), but so is Spencer. Which leads me to the conclusion that they deserve each other. Which I must admit, is not a new conclusion.

Lo is going to be a great addition to the show. As much as I love Lauren, I am getting a little tired of her standard look. You know, giving everyone she talks with Significant Eyes?

Excuse me, I must leave now so I'm not late to my Hills Anonymous Support Group.

For SHAME Lauren Conrad, FOR SHAME!

Okay so I'm a little behind the times, what with not having MTV with my crappy cable company that has a monopoly at my apartment complex. Luckily, several months ago, a friend who shares my love for The Hills alerted me to the fact that MTV allows fans to watch the show at their website. (Real friends help friends watch The Hills!) Last night, I watched the episode where Lauren and Whitney (Port, port!) went to Paris for the ball. They were lent dresses, ballgowns really, for the ball, from a huge, famous designer. The night before the ball, Lauren and Whits decide to go out so Lauren can make eyes at an ugly boy in a band who wears skinny pants and smokes. Whitney packed her entire closet in LA, and has a dress for this faux event, but Lauren only brought pencil skirts, and decides to hem her ballgown and wear it out.

Any normal person would know this is a bad idea. Lauren has stopped being normal. So she hems the ballgown and she and Whitless go off into the night for Lauren to begin her Making Eyes at Ugly French Boys Project. While successful in her eye communication, the next day when Lauren is about to start getting ready for the ball, the reason she was flown to Paris (as an intern) in the first place, she finds a stain on her expensive-yet-not-hers ballgown.

At first Lauren thinks it's coffee. But no, it's an even more lame stain than that. Lauren left her curling iron on and it stained the fabric on the dress. The dress is now ruined. I don't know how many balls you've attended, but I attend only three each season, and even I know one simply can not show up to a ball without a gown. To Lauren, THIS is her main problem, this is the reason she gets tears in her eyes. Had I been in Lauren's position, the tears in my eyes would have been for having ruined someone else's very expensive ballgown that they LENT TO ME! Lauren only seemed concerned that she wouldn't be able to attend the ball. Whitters saves the day by talking the designer into lending Lauren a second ballgown, and Lauren was ultimately able to attend the ball. I know that this is only a reality tv show and that not everything can be shown. But I would like to know if the stain came out, and if not, whether or not Lauren paid for the ballgown she ruined, and if it got back to Teen Vogue that she ruined something she was lent based on Teen Vogue's reputation.

These are the types of things that keep me up at night.

Stuff We All Get - Operative Word Being ALL

There are some bloggers who get free shit. I am not one of them. Until now. If you've always wondered how to be one of those people who get swag, you are not alone. As far as I can tell, you don't really have to do anything special, and they'll just come to you. At least, that's how it seems to be working for me.

Back at the end of May, someone from MTV e-mailed me, asking if I was interested in mentioning some stuff in order to get some stuff. (I think she found me because I've written about The Hills, but I'm just guessing.) Does a fat kid like candy? Of course I was interested in free shit, and I wrote her back saying so. And then I never heard from her again.

Until last week, when she e-mailed me a second time to ask if I was still interested. Now I know you guys don't want to read this if I'm just randomly plugging stuff. What do you get out of it? The answer is, you can get free shit too, and that's why I'm happy to plug away. And so, here's me, fulfilling my end of the bargain:

You can now buy The Hills (Season Two) on DVD! The first hundred people to pre-order (that means ordering it before you order it) get a bag of free stuff (different free shit than I'll be getting). It's totally worth buying just to see Whitney fall down the stairs. Remember that? Good times, good times.