How Does That Make You Feel?

So over the last week, two different people have very gently offered to give me the names of the therapists they have used in the past.

At one point I said to one of them "I spent 12 years in therapy, and it's been almost 12 years since I was last in it" and she very sweetly responded with "Maybe it's time to check back in, and see where you're at?"

As far as I know, I'm not in the middle of any major catastrophe. As far as I can tell, I am not exuding psychotic behavior. Granted, today I did see a guy who seemed to think he was cooler than Jonathan Anton, and I did sort of wish he would trip and take a spill purely for my own amusement, but I think that way quite often. Nothing new there.

When more than one person offers to hook you up with their therapist, you can't help but wonder what they think is wrong with you. I hope I wasn't sending out some sort of thinly-veiled cry for help to those two people. When I cry out for help, I'm pretty obvious about it. "Hello? Hi, I'm feeling a little fucked up in the head and need help." It really doesn't get anymore blatant than that. I'm not feeling the need for help.

I'm probably more mentally stable than most average people due to all the therapy I had. I'm probably better able to "check myself before I wreck myself" than most average people. Just because I'm voicing some dark thoughts, working through some difficult family/friend/work shit, or my creativity is taking me to some weird places, it doesn't mean I'm thinking someone promised me a rose garden when they didn't.

I appreciate the offers. I do, really. For now though, I'm going to pass. It may make you feel better to know that I think about whether therapy might help me a few times each year. But for right now, I'm really doing quite well without it. So I'm going to continue on this path. Because of the dozen years I spent in therapy, I am capable of therapizing myself to a certain degree. It's not until I hit a brick wall and can't make any more progress on my own that I feel I should bother paying someone else to listen to me. Especially since I have you to blog at.

So thanks, but no thanks. Oh, but if I come back to you in two years or whenever, and ask you for the name and number of the therapist you offered to hook me up with, don't say "Told ya so" okay? Because then I'll have to talk about how that made me feel with the therapist. And I'd hate to waste my co-pay on that kind of issue.

I'm Weird

So I was chatting online with a married buddy and the subject of eHarmony came up. I told her I took their quiz a little over a year ago, but they said I was too weird to be matched with anyone. She asked if I blogged about it. She seemed to think it was funny. Dare I say "hilarious?" I do dare, since she mentioned peeing in her pants. I did not see the humor, but it must be the kind of humor only married people can understand.

Regardless, I realize I've changed a lot in the last year or so, and therefore told her I'd try eHarmony again, and if they again pronounced me too weird to match with anyone else, I'd blog about it. I just took their quiz and again, they pronounced me weird. So here I am.

What they said:

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

Then they invited me to read my profile. Since it's free (and I'm a cheap Jew), I welcomed the opportunity. Here's what it says:

You have a basic need to be supportive of others. You will agree with others, sometimes even if it's not what you really want.
You may demonstrate positive possessiveness by developing strong attachments; however, you will not be overly involved as some others tend to do.
You are a good friend and are always willing to help those you consider to be your friends. You also show strong ties, and will be uncomfortable when separated from your friends for an extended period.
You show self-control in most things you do; you are not an extremist. Others may see you as stable, mature and steadfast.
You prefer a warm, friendly environment free of conflict and hostility. In that environment, you prefer reassurance of your involvement and self-worth.
You tend to dislike sudden or abrupt changes. You prefer things the way they are. Your motto might be: "If it's not broken, don't fix it."
You tend to be a traditionalist, and will enjoy the social environment best if it is stable and predictable. You dislike sudden decisions about where to go or what to do, preferring to think things out first.
Others may perceive you as being undemonstrative and self-controlled. Not wanting to be the center of attention, you generally support others.
Because of your lenient and complacent nature, others with fewer scruples may take advantage of you. You could, perhaps, benefit from greater assertiveness.
You tend to be loyal to others. Your loyalty shows in a variety of ways including your "staying power" with relationships and activities.

You have a communications style which many people are comfortable with almost immediately. You are sincere, a good listener, not pushy and overall a comfortable person to be near.
You are somewhat reserved in meeting new people. As a result, you could benefit from more assertive people doing the appropriate introductions to new people.
In your group, you may support the group leader rather than vie for a leadership position yourself. As a result, the group leader will usually appreciate the support you bring.
In communicating with others, you may support the mainstream ideas rather than new trailblazing activities. You may prefer the stable and traditional activities.
You tend to be a good listener. Others may seek you out to share a thought or concern because of your empathic listening style.
You may be less talkative than some others, but people will generally know how you are feeling by observing many nonverbal cues.
Others will notice that you are a sincere person about what you say and do. This trait, along with the excellent listening skills, creates an individual whom most people find pleasant to be with and a calming type of person.
You tend to internalize conflict. As a result, if something about another is bothering you, you may bottle-up feelings and keep them inside.
You tend to work hard at making sure that other people are happy.
You are good at reconciling (i.e. you don't like to sulk after a conflict is resolved).
You are very supportive of other people.
You tend to set and maintain very high standards for yourself.
You are skilled at being diplomatic with people in all settings.
You take pride in being very loyal to friends and family.
You tend to have very high values.
You are very sincere in actions and words.
You are generally very patient with people.
You are skilled at finding practical solutions to complicated situations.
You are good at helping others to reach their goals.
You are a dependable and caring partner.

You may want:
• Others to present their ideas and information in a logical order.
• Better planning for change in the future.
• Reassurance.
• Respect among peers and friends for your quiet manner.
• Objectivity and logic in relationships and activities.
• Limited socializing, especially with new people.
• Detailed information about major decisions with complete instructions.
• Time to think things over before making a commitment.
• Facts and data before making decisions relating to others.
• No flattery or shallow praise

And that's what eHarmony thinks about me. I disagree that I'm as much of a pushover as they think I am, but other than that I pretty much agree with everything else.

A Shout-Out to Beth One

Just hi, hope you're having fun, and can't wait to hang out with you when you're back home again. It feels like you've been away for a long, long time, and I miss you.

You've said some of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me in my entire life and I'm super glad you walked up to me that day!

Love and Kisses,
Skillet

The Mother Load: Part Two

As previously stated, my father was out of work for almost a year. He just started working again in October. Money was very tight for my parents for most of 2005, and still is as they catch up (my mother hasn't worked in over a decade). About a month before my birthday in October, my mother told me that my parents would not be giving presents for birthdays or Hanukah this year, because of finances. I certainly understand and support that, and told my mother such.

My brother and I bought our father a birthday present and all his Hanukah presents. I got my mother her Hanukah present over a month ago. We were all comfortable with this arrangement.

This past week, I received a "spa basket" that costs almost $100 as a birthday present from my parents. Two days later, I received over $200 worth of Hanukah presents from Red Envelope. What the hell happened to the whole "no presents" thing we agreed on? My brother received almost the same things from Red Envelope. He has had several discussions with our father, and apparently my mother purchased these presents without talking about it with our dad. My brother is sending his Hanukah presents back, and asking Red Envelople to credit our father's charge card. He has encouraged me to do the same, even saying he will send me a check for the cost of shipping if I'll send my presents back.

I'm sending my Hanukah presents back to Red Envelope. My dad could really use the money. Once again, I am not sure what to say to my mother. Because once again, my goal is NOT to hurt her feelings. And they WILL be hurt when she knows I've essentially rejected her presents. But if my brother and I send our presents back, there's a slim chance our father may feel like he can afford to go out to lunch once a month or so, when a co-worker invites him.

It's weird that things are so much more complicated now that I've moved further away.

The Mother Load, Part One: Opening This To the Floor

So I have a lot of ... angst (?) surrounding my mother (often referred to as 'The Load'). I need other people's opinions, points of view, etc. There are a couple of different issues, and blogging about them is my way of trying to sort this all out in my head. I apologize in advance if this doesn't flow very smoothly.

Issue #1: This past spring when my father had open-heart surgery, I flew to New York and stayed with my parents for three weeks. My mother currently can't drive, and after my dad's surgery he wasn't allowed to drive. I did everything from driving my mother to the hospital every day my father was there, to cooking dinners, cleaning the house, running errands, to playing secretary to my dad, who was out of work and looking for a job.

Not to brag, but I'm *REALLY* good at playing the role of Nurse Nancy. I know this. My family knows this. I'm the person you want with you when anything medical is going down. While in NY, my brother (who had just moved from SF to LA and started a new job) flew in to spend a week with my dad. My mother acted as if the Great White Hope had arrived. In her eyes, everything I did was wrong, I was useless, I was in the way, I just generally sucked.

At one point my mother had just come home from shopping, and bags of food were on the kitchen island. She asked me to put some things away in the garage, and I promptly did it while she was putting things in the freezer. I then went back to the kitchen and stood there, waiting for her to tell me how I could best help next (taking initiative with my mother is not appreciated like it is in the workforce). When my mother turned around and saw that the bags of things she'd wanted to go in the garage were no longer on the kitchen island, she screamed at me. That's right, I did exactly what she asked me to do right away, and I got screamed at.

The next time my mother went food shopping she bought large packages of chicken that she wanted broken down into smaller packages before being frozen. My brother asked me to help him with this, and my mother said "No, Green will fuck it up, I don't want her to help." My brother gestured to me to continue washing my hands anyway while he told my mother I was more than capable of putting pieces of raw chicken in ziplock bags.

A couple of friends called a few times to check on me. Another friend sent some home-baked goodies to me in New York. My mother asked why these people were checking on ME. Her point was that *I* hadn't had surgery so there was nothing about me to be checked on. The following ideas were lost on her:

a. HER friends and relatives were calling to check on HER, so it shouldn't have been unreasonable to think MY friends would call to check on ME

b. Perhaps it was a little stressful for me, an adult daughter to spend three weeks living with my parents, putting my own life on hold.

Things like this went on the entire time I was in New York. I kept my mouth shut for the most part. I reminded myself that I was there to help my father, and that it would not be conducive to his recovery for me to get in power struggles with my mother. When I finally flew home to SF, I barely talked with my mother at all for the next two months, unless she answered the phone when I was calling to see how my father was doing.

I am really hurt. I am really not interested in being hurt any longer. I saw my parents (mostly my mother) in a way I wasn't able to when I was younger, and some things have been made clear to me. Like the fact that I will ALWAYS be second-best to my brother, Golden Boy. Like the fact that in my mother's eyes, despite what she says, I will never be deserving of friends.

Right now, I am at a point in my life where I don't want to be around people who make me feel badly. I already feel badly enough about myself and really don't need any help. My goal is to bring my self-esteem UP. Not down.

So naturally, you would say, just don't talk to your mother anymore. Should be easy, she's across the country. Simple, right? Ehhhh...not so much. The problem is, I have heard through Golden Boy that my mother has noticed that in the last several months I've become cold and distant, and she doesn't know why. She has already apologized a few times for screaming at me and generally treating me like shit while I was in New York. She blamed it on the stress of worrying about my dad. I told her I forgive her, but I'm not sure I really do. Even if I do, I certainly don't want to put myself in a position to be treated that way again.

My mother's health is not the best. She has no friends, and for a long time while I thought she was doing me a favor by being my friend, the truth was we were our only friends. I'm not in that position anymore, but she still is, and even moreso now than before, especially with her non-driving status.

The question I'm putting out to the floor: do I tell her why I'm being cold and distant or not?

Things to consider:

- I don't need to for myself.
- I don't want to hurt HER, I just want to protect MYSELF.
- Despite whatever my mother says if I DO confront her about this, she will not be able to change. I know this for a fact.
- What I want in the end is to have a normal mother-daughter relationship with my mother, which to me means talking to her every week or less, maybe seeing her once a year, etc.

Opinions, ideas, everything, are welcome. Part Two will come later.

I'm A Jew

I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
At Christmas
- South Park

There aren't a lot of jews here in San Francisco. I don't belong to a temple either, so that's no help. I've adjusted to the fact that everywhere I turn there are Christmas decorations and as I leave every store I'm merry christmased. But it sure would be nice to see some menorahs and get happy hanukahed once in a while.

Yesterday I was at a store taking advantage of the Christmas sales (we'll pause here for the cheap jew jokes) and noticed a sales clerk get roped into talking with a customer about Christmas socks the customer was wearing. The sales clerk, who didn't look a day over 20, seemed a bit uncomfortable, so I paid a bit more attention. When the customer's back was to me I caught the clerk's eye, and mouthed "Jewish?" Her hand floated up to her necklace where I saw a Star of David, and she nodded at me. "Me too"

As I left the store, she smiled at me and said "Happy Hanukah!" and I said it back. Maybe I'm not the only lonely jew around here.

Happy Hanukah peoples.

Merry Christmas to all you other peoples.

Milestone

As of today, I officially (and finally) have health insurance through work. So naturally, it's only a matter of time before I get fired and no longer have it.

Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead!

That's right. I took Loose Earlobe Lady DOWN. I can put up with a surprising amount of shit from people. At a certain point though, I snap. And snap I did this week, even though it was a slow snap (if there is such a thing).

First there was Tuesday night. I ran a few errands after work, and was walking home that night, when I walked right past LEL and Cat Lady. LEL met my eyes, then looked through me, then looked away. Granted, I'm not the friendliest person in the world, but I'll smile hello at anyone I know, whether or not I like them. It's gut instinct for me.

Then Wednesday happened. A call came in for the Cowboy that he wasn't available for, and I went to ask Tunafish if he could take the call. LEL was in Tuna's office, and when I stood in the doorway and apologized for interrupting before launching into my question, LEL shot me a dirty look that could freeze hot water. It hit me so hard that it rendered me speechless for a second.

That was when I snapped. When you interfere with my ability to do my job, something's going to change. I asked LEL if I could speak with her for a moment. She said she was busy. I said that was fine, and asked her to let me know when she had a few minutes before the end of the day. Five minutes later she came up to me. I walked us into an empty conference room and closed the door. My opening like was something like this:

"I have no idea what I could have possibly done to deserve the outrageously blatant hostile glare you gave me in Tuna's office, but it must have been absolutely horrible."

I kept going in that direction for a few minutes, until I could see LEL looking guilty. We talked for about twenty-five minutes. Here are the highlights:
• LEL apologized.
• LEL said she was glad I confronted her.
• LEL admitted to being passive-aggressive.
• LEL said she thought she deserved my respect because she's older than I am (I disagree).
• LEL claimed that I try to make her look badly in front of people higher-up than we are. (I don't.)
• LEL didn't like me because as I walk in each morning, I don't say "good morning" to her. I pointed out to her that as I walk in, I walk past about eight people, and I don't say anything to any of them. But when I'm sitting at MY desk, and people walk past me, I DO say good morning to them.
• LEL admitted to being superficial.

The upshot of our whole talk is that we agreed to put the past in the past, she will be more understanding of the fact that I'm not a morning person, and I will try to say good morning to her. Insert multiple eyerolls here.

But you know what? All I have to do is make it a point to say good morning to this bitch, and in return I stop getting dirty looks, eyerolls, and major attitude. So good fucking morning, bitch. I'll still laugh every time you spill your Diet Coke. I'll just do it quietly now.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Don't fucking bother trying again, because nothing will be different. Today is my dad's birthday. My brother, mom and I all chipped in to get him an iPod. I called my dad tonight to wish him a happy birthday.

While I was growing up, to say we did not have the best relationship would be putting it lightly. I cannot recall the last time my dad said "I love you" to me. Soon after I moved to Florida, I accidentally said it to him when we were getting off the phone. He didn't say it back.

Now it's four years later. As we were getting off the phone tonight I said it in the midst of the goodbyes and happy birthdays. He didn't say it back.

Nothing's Worse Than Being Lied To

Except being lied to by your grandpa. Yes, you read that right. My sweet old Florida grandpa just lied to me. I've been up since 4:30AM. Now, just because I am awake at that time, it does NOT mean that I want to be talking with people at that time.

My phone rang. When I answered, nobody was there. But it's 2005, so I have Caller ID. The ONLY people in Florida who have my SF cell phone number are my grandpa and his slut girlfriend, Ruthpot. When I looked at my Caller ID, what do you think I found there? That's right - my grandpa's cell phone number.

So I called him back. He swore up and down he hadn't just called me (I swear, I didn't yell at him). I said, "Well, maybe your phone banged into something and it automatically dialed me." "Yes, yes that's exactly what could have happened. Maybe my elbow bumped into the phone. Boy, you're very smart with all this new technology." Sure, Grandpa.

Don't Blink, Tunafish

A few posts down, I mentioned the whole idea of giving out bottles of wine to the top dozen or so clients at work. On Thursday I was in the Cowboy's office for a meeting and there was a box on his desk that I hadn't put there. When he opened it I saw two bottles of wine. This is what happened next:

Cowboy: Tunafish, get in here!
Tunafish: Hey, what's up?
C: Is this for me (holding up the box)?
Pause
C: Or is this just for me to look at?
T: Well, yeah. You know. So that you have an idea...
C: Ahh, two bottles! Very nice! Do I get to keep this, or do you need them back?
T: Oh. Well yeah it wasn't... it was just so you could... yeah, sure.
C: Is it expensive?
T: Uhhhh... no, not really.
C: How much?
T: About $50.

That's right. Cowboy, who bills out at $450 an hour just forced Tunafish to give him two bottles of wine. Cowboy, I like you, but that was a dick move on your part. Yes it was. Yes, even though you've found out the firm won't reimburse you for the bottles you plan to give the Top Dozen Clients (which is more like 20), and you plan to pay out of your own pocket. Poor Tunafish.

While I Wasn't Looking, A Subtle Shift Seems To Have Occurred

I used to be one of those people who told her mom everything. Every. Little. Thing. Every activity considered, planned, executed, etc. Woke up in the morning with a tiny bit of a sore throat? Called my mother. Then called her at 2pm to let her know it was better. Then she'd call me at night to suggest maybe my throat was just dry. Then she'd call in the morning to find out how the night went. So we'd discuss the merits of humidifiers. Ahh, the fun we used to have.

But that last trip to New York in the spring really created a change in how I feel about my mother, and I didn't speak with her (except to say hello and then ask to speak to my father) for about two months after I got away from her.

I realized last night (when I lied to her about how I am) that there's been a shift in our relationship. I no longer tell her things. I remember calling and crying hysterically to her because I'd inadvertently betrayed a friend's confidence about eight months ago. Two weeks ago I was having friend problems and didn't mention one at all to her, and only told her about the other after I'd resolved it.

Last night I was waiting in a long line, so I decided to call my parents. A half hour earlier a friend had canceled our weekend plans because she wasn't feeling well (feel better B1!). I guess my mother could hear the disappointment in my voice, since she asked me what was wrong. "Nothing." Didn't even occur to me to tell her. "But you're fine, right? Nothing's wrong?" I confidently assured her I was fine, lying about the fact that a bone in my foot seems to be out of place.

Work was somewhat horrible this week. Every single day a new bomb dropped. Everyone in my department was tense and stressed. Never thought of calling home about it.

Part of it is that my mother is almost never helpful anymore. I get better advice from my friends and brother. I can use blogging as a sounding board, as a way to get my thoughts out and be able to look at them. Hell, I have friends now, who generously allow me to bore them to tears with my issues (thanks!). The other part of it is that my mother never adds to the solution, only the problem. Had I told my mother about my foot, she'd have immediately pointed out that I don't have health insurance. Thanks, because it's so easy to forget. Then she'd have talked about the cost of going to doctors, the cost of x-rays, MRI's, wrapping up by reminding me that her anniversary is in January, and to budget accordingly. I've known my mother a L-O-N-G time. That's a no-win comment she'd be throwing out. If I agreed with her and said I wouldn't go get my foot checked in order to save money for her anniversary present I wouldn't be taking care of my health. If I spent money on getting my foot checked and didn't have money for anything more than a card come January, then I wouldn't have budgeted for an emergency and would also be in the wrong. Who needs that shit when they're quietly panicking about their health?! Either be part of the solution or shut the fuck up.

A Little Fuck You

Just a little "fuck you" going out to "Rique" at Trader Joe's. A couple of friends have told me I'm cute, pretty, whatever. I always roll my eyes.

Today at Trader Joe's the pretty blonde woman ahead of me in line got chatted up by Rique nonstop while he was ringing up her purchases. When it was my turn he said nothing at all to me. Literally, nothing at all.

It's experiences like this that make me say the only men that pay any attention to me are homeless guys who spit at my feet as I walk by.

So fuck you Rique. You're a dique.

Not All The Time

But just sometimes, life felt much simpler when I had no friends at all.

Difference Between East and West Coasts

On my lunch hour today I wandered through a bookstore. Outside of the store was a cart with used books. There was also a sign explaining the proceeds from the used books would go to some worthy cause, like a shelter or something. I didn't pay attention to the details. I was enthralled by a line at the bottom that said "If you do not pay for the books you choose, karma will come back to you."

See, now that would NEVER happen on the East Coast! On the East Coast that bottom line would say "Shoplifters will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."

Only on the West Coast does the general public get threatened with karma.