While I Wasn't Looking, A Subtle Shift Seems To Have Occurred

I used to be one of those people who told her mom everything. Every. Little. Thing. Every activity considered, planned, executed, etc. Woke up in the morning with a tiny bit of a sore throat? Called my mother. Then called her at 2pm to let her know it was better. Then she'd call me at night to suggest maybe my throat was just dry. Then she'd call in the morning to find out how the night went. So we'd discuss the merits of humidifiers. Ahh, the fun we used to have.

But that last trip to New York in the spring really created a change in how I feel about my mother, and I didn't speak with her (except to say hello and then ask to speak to my father) for about two months after I got away from her.

I realized last night (when I lied to her about how I am) that there's been a shift in our relationship. I no longer tell her things. I remember calling and crying hysterically to her because I'd inadvertently betrayed a friend's confidence about eight months ago. Two weeks ago I was having friend problems and didn't mention one at all to her, and only told her about the other after I'd resolved it.

Last night I was waiting in a long line, so I decided to call my parents. A half hour earlier a friend had canceled our weekend plans because she wasn't feeling well (feel better B1!). I guess my mother could hear the disappointment in my voice, since she asked me what was wrong. "Nothing." Didn't even occur to me to tell her. "But you're fine, right? Nothing's wrong?" I confidently assured her I was fine, lying about the fact that a bone in my foot seems to be out of place.

Work was somewhat horrible this week. Every single day a new bomb dropped. Everyone in my department was tense and stressed. Never thought of calling home about it.

Part of it is that my mother is almost never helpful anymore. I get better advice from my friends and brother. I can use blogging as a sounding board, as a way to get my thoughts out and be able to look at them. Hell, I have friends now, who generously allow me to bore them to tears with my issues (thanks!). The other part of it is that my mother never adds to the solution, only the problem. Had I told my mother about my foot, she'd have immediately pointed out that I don't have health insurance. Thanks, because it's so easy to forget. Then she'd have talked about the cost of going to doctors, the cost of x-rays, MRI's, wrapping up by reminding me that her anniversary is in January, and to budget accordingly. I've known my mother a L-O-N-G time. That's a no-win comment she'd be throwing out. If I agreed with her and said I wouldn't go get my foot checked in order to save money for her anniversary present I wouldn't be taking care of my health. If I spent money on getting my foot checked and didn't have money for anything more than a card come January, then I wouldn't have budgeted for an emergency and would also be in the wrong. Who needs that shit when they're quietly panicking about their health?! Either be part of the solution or shut the fuck up.