Failed Dinners

I was reading the Slack Mistress's blog post about last night's dinner, and it reminded me of something from long ago. In the olden days, we Yogurts used to host one of the two Passover seders each spring. My mother would start cooking at least a week before Passover started, freezing cooked dishes in the basement freezer.

Back in my high school years, one night I passed through the kitchen to say good night to my mother before heading to bed. She'd been cooking all day, and would be cooking long into the evening. When I arrived in the kitchen my mother was just about to put two apple-maztah kugels in the oven before going to pee. These kugels are so good that we always had two - one to put on the table for the seder, and one for our immediate family to enjoy throughout Passover.

As my mom went to slide one tin into the oven, she somehow dropped it, and it flipped upside-down before landing all over the floor. We looked at each other in horrified shock. My poor mother burst into tears at the stress of having to clean up a huge mess so late at night while also having to desperately pee.

I decided to postpone bed and told my mom I'd start cleaning up and she should go to the bathroom. When she came back, she thanked me. As my mother handed me more wet paper towels to clean the floor she said to me, "We just won't put a kugel on the table this year."

This was so unlike my mother - to save the remaining one for us, but speaks to how much we all loved that kugel. I still usually make it at least once a year.

Please, join me by sharing your biggest dinner disaster in the comments.

Is It Too Early To Say Bah Humbug?

The Christmas commercials are out in full force. They were trickling out about two weeks before Halloween, but now that Halloween is over, they are being rolled out blatantly. Halloween has become the new Thanksgiving in terms of when Christmas preparations can start.

It all disgusts me. To be fair, probably because I can't really afford to buy any presents these days, which means I don't feel right accepting any presents these days. But still. I know that it would be bad for the economy if everyone "skipped" commercial Christmas presents (and yes, Hanukah presents too). But I'm a big believer in putting the oxygen mask over your own face first, before turning to make sure your seatmate is all set.

So I really think that everyone should skip holiday presents that are not homemade this year. It was only a few years ago that I found out people actually go into debt to buy gifts for people around the holidays. This fact still shocks me. I can't think of anyone who wants a gift even if it means someone would go into debt to give it. Except kids, and the younger ones can be happy with inexpensive stuff and the older ones can learn what's going on in the world.

Yes, if enough people don't buy crap at WalMart then some people will get laid off from there and then they will file for unemployment and there will be an even further drain on our society. But where does it end? We're in this vicious cycle that needs to stop.

To My MOTs, Happy Passover

And to my non-MOT readers, I hope you have a Happy Passover also. You may be wondering what exactly Passover is, and how you've gotten to be so old without ever finding out. Now you're an adult and embarrassed to ask, but feel you should know, it's a big mess. If you're jewish, you may be wondering if you're too old to sneak soup nuts under the table during the long, long seder, and the answer is, you are, sorry. But you're not too old to search for the aifikomen. However, there is more good news. You're also not too old to be open to a different, condensed version of the seder. Here's my favorite:

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.

If he'd parted the Red Sea—(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.