Saturday, April 19, 2008

To My MOTs, Happy Passover

And to my non-MOT readers, I hope you have a Happy Passover also. You may be wondering what exactly Passover is, and how you've gotten to be so old without ever finding out. Now you're an adult and embarrassed to ask, but feel you should know, it's a big mess. If you're jewish, you may be wondering if you're too old to sneak soup nuts under the table during the long, long seder, and the answer is, you are, sorry. But you're not too old to search for the aifikomen. However, there is more good news. You're also not too old to be open to a different, condensed version of the seder. Here's my favorite:

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.

If he'd parted the Red Sea—(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Labels: Jew-off, MOT

posted by Green at 4/19/2008 10:05:00 AM

6 Comments:

Blogger Mama Nabi said...

happy passover... we used to do re-enactments of passover at our school. You know, the red paint on the door, make Indian bread that's unleavened... we didn't part any rivers or anything. Or have any cool plagues. Hmm, come to think of it, not very good reenactments.

Well hope you have a good one.

April 19, 2008 3:56 PM  
Blogger miriam sawyer said...

We did the Revised Standard Version--you know, the one that ends at midnight? Your version is much better.

April 19, 2008 8:11 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Brilliant. I wish all Hagaddahs had a Cliffs notes version like this. You forgot the part where the kids have a contest to see who can eat the most hard boiled eggs.

Or maybe it was just me.

April 19, 2008 11:08 PM  
Blogger Scotty said...

This was really cool Green. Esp for a non-MOT like me :)

April 21, 2008 9:02 AM  
Blogger Ms B said...

I went to a large and raucous second seder last night that friends of mine throw. Everyone had assigned parts that were read into a microphone so that everyone could hear.

The best part was that the story of the exodus was done in a four act play, with each of the children present that was of reading age taking a part, accompanied by felt hand puppets. Non-traditional songs (to the tunes of "BINGO" and "Three Blind Mice" and so on) were sung between each act of the play, with the songs led by an adult cousin that substituted Mickey Mouse ears with lighted blinking ears for a kippah and did the Senor Wencas thing with his hand instead of a hand puppet. It was excellent! (It also did not hurt that the wine drinking began about an hour before the seder, but that's another story . . . ).

April 21, 2008 9:19 AM  
Blogger Unemployed Nurse Jack said...

Thank you for the tutorial, in all sincerity.

Can the wine drinking continue after the slouching?

April 21, 2008 12:47 PM  

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