When Work Worlds Collide

Oh my god you guys! I am temping this week (I have the most awesome shit to tell you about this firm and this particular desk - look for a weekend post), and SO GLAD I got to work early this morning so I have time to tell you what I discovered this morning. Wait, let''s be honest here. I am so glad I got to work early this morning because now I can blog and am not worried someone will see this window open on my computer screen. Whatever.

Okay. So! Remember Apple? You must go click those links to refresh your memory, I'll wait. Great, you're back. So I stroll into work early this morning, figuring I'll take the time to call the dude at the temp agency who placed me here, just to check in, and I come upon Apple sitting at the reception desk! I was barely able to resist the urge to say the first two things that came to mind which were, "EWW!" and "What the fuck are YOU doing here?" and instead squeaked out a hello. That filtering concept really works, right?

Apple must have forgotten how much she hated me when we previously worked together, because she was all happy and smiley. We chatted for a minute or two, and she told me the office where we first met closed down at the end of March. Speedy moved to LA to work out of that office. Everyone else was laid off. It's hard to imagine, to be honest with you. I mean, Speedy was SO BUSY. He had TONS of cases. Of course, one attorney can't keep a seven attorney office opened through a slump, I know that. But this is a clear indicator to me that the economy is still falling, not picking up yet.

I hope Apple is not at that reception desk all day long. I walk back and forth in front of it multiple times a day, both to get to one of the partners I'm temping for and to get to the copy room, and I don't want to have to make phony small talk with her.

Okay I must go pretend to work now that it's 8:30 and I start getting paid to be sitting here now.

UPDATE: The Apple will be at the desk all day today and all week tomorrow. I gotta find another way to get to the copy room, stat.

Rotten Fruit

Apple and I don't get along. We've been trying to be nice to each other, but it's a huge effort on both our parts. And it's not going well. She's weird. Really fucking weird. And I hate her (not because she's weird).

Apple, who normally wears glasses but yesterday was not, told me that she "doesn't believe in" contact lenses. Which I happen to wear. I asked her why not. I know, I know, but I wanted to hear why. I understand not believing in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy, but how can you "not believe" in contact lenses. Apparently Apple thinks they're unnatural. Really! But the makeup she wears is … what? And the leather shoes she's wearing are … ?

I haven't been told that Apple is supposed to file things, but she's forever fucking around in the filing cabinets behind me. Apple also has a tendency to simply hover over people as they're talking, and then insert herself into conversations.

This morning, for example, I'd printed out a list of Speedy's cases (the attorney I work for who's short, and talks and moves very fast) and I was showing him the list, saying one of the cases wasn't on the list. Apple, who was standing next to Speedy, asked me if I had printed out a list of his cases. Okay, it's nice that people try to be helpful, but in this case, Apple was slowing down the resolution to our problem. Shut the fuck up and go wait for the phone to ring, like a good receptionist.

Just a couple of hours ago, (right now, I realize it's 4:20 p.m. and I'm thinking maybe if I smoked a joint these things wouldn't annoy me so much) Apple came up to me while I was in the middle of three different things for Balls and Speedy, to tell me something about invoices Speedy asked her to do. I had no clue what she was talking about. What invoices? From whom? For which client? Was I supposed to do something?

So I said to her, "Did you tell Speedy?" She looked at me blankly. "You said Speedy asked you to do something with those. You're telling me you did it, and explaining details. Did you tell HIM these details?" No, no she did not. I had no idea what this was that Apple was shoving in my face. Clearly she was trying to show me something, but beats me what it was. Finally I just asked Apple to leave it on the ponywall, as Speedy always looks over everything that's there. Apple did NOT put it on the ponywall, but instead on top of file cabinets near it, and told me whatever she was saying was "very elementary."

WAY TO HAMMER THE NAIL OF HATRED INTO YOUR COFFIN! Seriously, the quickest way to infuriate me is to insinuate that I am stupid. I am not stupid. I was not trained at this job. I have never worked at a law firm where a new secretary did not get trained by another secretary (or an attorney).

I am aware that there are people in the world who can magically pick things up on their own. I know that is expected of people in certain cases. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. I can not just sit down at a desk, look through all the papers on it, and then know what the status is in every lawsuit. I don't work like that. Whether or not I'm supposed to, the fact is, I don't.

And just because Apple has been here longer than I have, it does not mean that I am stupid. It means I do not have all the information she has. So Apple can go fuck herself. I'm sure there are topics I'm much better informed about than she is, and I could babble on about, leaving her confused. I'm just too nice a person to make people feel stupid.

P.S. Today I ran into three baby attorneys from my old firm. I almost cried. I gotta get the fuck out of here. Oh wait, I haven't written that blog post yet, with all the reasons this place sucks and I want to leave. Whoops. Does that count as foreshadowing?

The Way Diets Should Work

(Why yes, this IS one of those "yet another female blogger writing about dieting" posts.)

So I've been trying to diet the last few weeks. I'm not doing Weight Watchers or South Beach or anything like that. Those things wouldn't work for me. I'm simply trying to eat less, and make better choices. That's it. And it's slow, but working. Although only one person has noticed I've lost weight. Maybe I need to lose more, since even to me, it seems that my clothes fit exactly the same as they did pre-diet.

Maybe October is a dumb time to start dieting, right before the Season of Gluttony begins. But actually, I think it's perfect for me. Now portions in restaurants seem to big for me to finish, no matter how good they taste. I'm forcing myself to let go of finishing things because otherwise it's wasting money.

Apple, the receptionist, keeps a dish of candy on her desk, and constantly offers some to everyone who walks by. One of the things I don't like about this job is the amount of after school special style peer pressure that goes on here. Multiple times each day I am offered candy. Multiple times each day I say no thank you. My mother told me that if you always reject offers, they'll stop. It seems she was wrong in this case.

However, yesterday I was jonesing for something sweet, and took a mini-box of mini-Tootsie Rolls. There were probably about a dozen inside the box. Each one, the size of a Good & Plenty. I had two, then put the box on the other secretary's desk. Two was enough. Two tasted good and was plenty for me.

There are is no junk-food in my house. I looked at the times I tend to eat too much, thought about what it was about those times that made me want to eat too much, and made some changes.So now I have a snack around 4p.m. at work. Grapes, apple slices, almonds and walnuts, something like that. This way when I get home I'm not starving for dinner, and don't eat a snack while cooking dinner. And after dinner? I chew gum, or have fruit.

But you know what? I never noticed how often people are offering food! It's really annoying to constantly be rejecting things you want to say yes to. Which made me think: if you say no to something really tempting, I think the universe should let you lose more weight. If today I eat the same number of calories as yesterday, but today I turn down cheesecake and pretzels, I should lose more weight today than I did yesterday, because today was harder.

Don't you think that would help people stick to their diets? I do. Who's with me?

Monday, Monday

After a somewhat dramatic weekend (for me), I'm trying to mentally prepare for work tomorrow. The receptionist is weird. We'll call her Apple. Apple used to work as a clerk in the courts and thinks she knows everything. She and I seem to be in a slight power struggle. Apple started working there not quite two weeks before I did. She might be somewhere around my age (it's hard to tell), and dresses in ankle-length flowy dresses and scarves with pom-poms on them.

Any time I ask Apple something, after telling me, she'll e-mail me the answer while cc-ing the office manager and her assistant. So I'll ask what time the mail goes out, Apple will tell me 4:45 p.m., and then e-mail me the same information. WEIRD. One of these days I might get tempted to respond snarkily.

Tomorrow Trixie starts her new job, after taking a month off. She's very nervous, and only added to her own nervousness by deciding to throw a cocktail party on Friday night. We wound up in a slight ... fight isn't the right word, but feelings were hurt and people were tiptoed around.

After a few notes taped to doors and a quick conversation tonight, Trixie and I are back to happily playing volleyball among vases in the living room.