Rotten Fruit

Apple and I don't get along. We've been trying to be nice to each other, but it's a huge effort on both our parts. And it's not going well. She's weird. Really fucking weird. And I hate her (not because she's weird).

Apple, who normally wears glasses but yesterday was not, told me that she "doesn't believe in" contact lenses. Which I happen to wear. I asked her why not. I know, I know, but I wanted to hear why. I understand not believing in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy, but how can you "not believe" in contact lenses. Apparently Apple thinks they're unnatural. Really! But the makeup she wears is … what? And the leather shoes she's wearing are … ?

I haven't been told that Apple is supposed to file things, but she's forever fucking around in the filing cabinets behind me. Apple also has a tendency to simply hover over people as they're talking, and then insert herself into conversations.

This morning, for example, I'd printed out a list of Speedy's cases (the attorney I work for who's short, and talks and moves very fast) and I was showing him the list, saying one of the cases wasn't on the list. Apple, who was standing next to Speedy, asked me if I had printed out a list of his cases. Okay, it's nice that people try to be helpful, but in this case, Apple was slowing down the resolution to our problem. Shut the fuck up and go wait for the phone to ring, like a good receptionist.

Just a couple of hours ago, (right now, I realize it's 4:20 p.m. and I'm thinking maybe if I smoked a joint these things wouldn't annoy me so much) Apple came up to me while I was in the middle of three different things for Balls and Speedy, to tell me something about invoices Speedy asked her to do. I had no clue what she was talking about. What invoices? From whom? For which client? Was I supposed to do something?

So I said to her, "Did you tell Speedy?" She looked at me blankly. "You said Speedy asked you to do something with those. You're telling me you did it, and explaining details. Did you tell HIM these details?" No, no she did not. I had no idea what this was that Apple was shoving in my face. Clearly she was trying to show me something, but beats me what it was. Finally I just asked Apple to leave it on the ponywall, as Speedy always looks over everything that's there. Apple did NOT put it on the ponywall, but instead on top of file cabinets near it, and told me whatever she was saying was "very elementary."

WAY TO HAMMER THE NAIL OF HATRED INTO YOUR COFFIN! Seriously, the quickest way to infuriate me is to insinuate that I am stupid. I am not stupid. I was not trained at this job. I have never worked at a law firm where a new secretary did not get trained by another secretary (or an attorney).

I am aware that there are people in the world who can magically pick things up on their own. I know that is expected of people in certain cases. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. I can not just sit down at a desk, look through all the papers on it, and then know what the status is in every lawsuit. I don't work like that. Whether or not I'm supposed to, the fact is, I don't.

And just because Apple has been here longer than I have, it does not mean that I am stupid. It means I do not have all the information she has. So Apple can go fuck herself. I'm sure there are topics I'm much better informed about than she is, and I could babble on about, leaving her confused. I'm just too nice a person to make people feel stupid.

P.S. Today I ran into three baby attorneys from my old firm. I almost cried. I gotta get the fuck out of here. Oh wait, I haven't written that blog post yet, with all the reasons this place sucks and I want to leave. Whoops. Does that count as foreshadowing?