Explain Me This
One time, I think it may have been during The Florida Years, I seriously considered trying to get myself labeled severely handicapped enough to get disability for life. I'd go live in a group home with mentally retarded people, and maybe be given some menial part-time job as a supermarket bagger. Because clearly that is all I am capable of. Clearly I need extensive help and supervision. Because I keep trying, yet keep failing. Is it a spectacularly bad run of luck? There must be some fundamental nugget of knowledge that everyone else has that I can't seem to grasp. It's like when I used to try to learn things in school - everyone else would understand a concept intuitively except me, but even after it was pointed out, I wouldn't understand it, and even though nobody else needed it explained to them, I did, and even after it was explained, I still wouldn't understand.
So what is it about working and jobs that everyone else does that I can't seem to do too? A hundred years ago my mother tried to tell me not to say negative things about myself. Why point out your flaws? If you say horrible things about yourself all the time, people will start to believe you. So I'm very careful about my self-deprecating humor - how much I say, who I say it to. But all these other people do it CONSTANTLY. Always joking about what losers they are. Meanwhile they've had the same job for six, eight years. Not such a loser.
It's so disheartening. I put in outrageous amounts of effort, and can't get anywhere near as far as other people who barely have to think about it at all. Everyone at my job seems shocked that I haven't had offers just falling into my lap for the last two or three weeks. Yesterday a client sent us a check for $16,000 in response to an invoice we'd sent them. When I sat down to meet with Turkey, I announced, "I have good news!" because he always loves to hear about checks that have come in. Turkey said, "You got a job?" and I responded, "Oh. Sorry no. I meant good news for you," and lamely handed him the check. It made me feel like such shit. I just feel like such shit.