Explain Me This
Thank you guys for all your support and encouragement. Really. I read and re-read and played it all back in my head when I needed a lift. Thank you. Thank you, for not only saying all those kind things, but also for not saying all the negative things I think at myself. Clearly the universe is paying you back for something. Maybe you should just admit defeat. You must be some kind of extra special fuckup because nobody has this many problems with jobs.
One time, I think it may have been during The Florida Years, I seriously considered trying to get myself labeled severely handicapped enough to get disability for life. I'd go live in a group home with mentally retarded people, and maybe be given some menial part-time job as a supermarket bagger. Because clearly that is all I am capable of. Clearly I need extensive help and supervision. Because I keep trying, yet keep failing. Is it a spectacularly bad run of luck? There must be some fundamental nugget of knowledge that everyone else has that I can't seem to grasp. It's like when I used to try to learn things in school - everyone else would understand a concept intuitively except me, but even after it was pointed out, I wouldn't understand it, and even though nobody else needed it explained to them, I did, and even after it was explained, I still wouldn't understand.
So what is it about working and jobs that everyone else does that I can't seem to do too? A hundred years ago my mother tried to tell me not to say negative things about myself. Why point out your flaws? If you say horrible things about yourself all the time, people will start to believe you. So I'm very careful about my self-deprecating humor - how much I say, who I say it to. But all these other people do it CONSTANTLY. Always joking about what losers they are. Meanwhile they've had the same job for six, eight years. Not such a loser.
It's so disheartening. I put in outrageous amounts of effort, and can't get anywhere near as far as other people who barely have to think about it at all. Everyone at my job seems shocked that I haven't had offers just falling into my lap for the last two or three weeks. Yesterday a client sent us a check for $16,000 in response to an invoice we'd sent them. When I sat down to meet with Turkey, I announced, "I have good news!" because he always loves to hear about checks that have come in. Turkey said, "You got a job?" and I responded, "Oh. Sorry no. I meant good news for you," and lamely handed him the check. It made me feel like such shit. I just feel like such shit.
One time, I think it may have been during The Florida Years, I seriously considered trying to get myself labeled severely handicapped enough to get disability for life. I'd go live in a group home with mentally retarded people, and maybe be given some menial part-time job as a supermarket bagger. Because clearly that is all I am capable of. Clearly I need extensive help and supervision. Because I keep trying, yet keep failing. Is it a spectacularly bad run of luck? There must be some fundamental nugget of knowledge that everyone else has that I can't seem to grasp. It's like when I used to try to learn things in school - everyone else would understand a concept intuitively except me, but even after it was pointed out, I wouldn't understand it, and even though nobody else needed it explained to them, I did, and even after it was explained, I still wouldn't understand.
So what is it about working and jobs that everyone else does that I can't seem to do too? A hundred years ago my mother tried to tell me not to say negative things about myself. Why point out your flaws? If you say horrible things about yourself all the time, people will start to believe you. So I'm very careful about my self-deprecating humor - how much I say, who I say it to. But all these other people do it CONSTANTLY. Always joking about what losers they are. Meanwhile they've had the same job for six, eight years. Not such a loser.
It's so disheartening. I put in outrageous amounts of effort, and can't get anywhere near as far as other people who barely have to think about it at all. Everyone at my job seems shocked that I haven't had offers just falling into my lap for the last two or three weeks. Yesterday a client sent us a check for $16,000 in response to an invoice we'd sent them. When I sat down to meet with Turkey, I announced, "I have good news!" because he always loves to hear about checks that have come in. Turkey said, "You got a job?" and I responded, "Oh. Sorry no. I meant good news for you," and lamely handed him the check. It made me feel like such shit. I just feel like such shit.
posted by Green at 1/23/2013 10:00:00 PM
8 Comments:
As one of those 9-years-at-the-same-job people, I think a lot of it is luck. I feel like that's wrong. Either really wrong or just wrong to say, I don't know which, but there you go.
I have a really hard time thinking I've stayed in the same job for this long because I'm doing something really great. It's more like I've been lucky enough to not piss off the wrong people at the wrong time or have my fuckups get pointed out during a personnel purge. Lord knows it's not savvy interpersonal dealings with those in power or superstar work performance. Plus... I'm posting this from work and dare not create a record of my last theory, so expect more later.
I also have a weirdo idea about how the whackadoodle employers of the world need people like you to handle them, which sucks because you end up stuck working for unstable yahoos.
Also, your mother has a point. Clearly people who work with you think you're awesome. Instead of saying the bad stuff you beleive about yourself until other people believe it, too, start repeating the good stuff they say about you to yourself until you believe it.
You may be so so focused on doing your job in the best way you can that you don't see signs that something's heading in the wrong direction like the company's relocating to a new office or going out of business. The only change this might make is to start you looking for a new job before you lose your current one. That's not to say it makes it easier to find a new job, just that it might allow you to move to a new job and perhaps not go through periods of unemployment.
Wow. Please don't beat yourself up or feel like shit for wanting to be kind to Turkey with his $16,000 check.
It would be nice if he would offer you severance pay, or some sort of bonus, to show that he appreciates the hard work you put in over the past couple of years. But I doubt he will think of it. But that does not mean you are an awful employee. It just means he's not such a great boss.
Amanda has a point about trying to be more aware of the changes coming in a work place. It's not always possible to know, but sometimes you can sense it, and go ahead and put feelers out / be ready to move on before it happens.
Hang in there. You are not a loser. Just having another tough break.
It's so disheartening.........
THANKS FOR THIS !!!!!!!!!
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You know what surprised me most about thi post? That Turkey actually thought that you were talking about something other then him when you said you had goog news. I didn't think he was capable of doing that? You've changed him dude! You need to put that on your mental resumé honey! You can work with a**holes and humanize them, just enough. That's quite a feat, in my opinion, remember that.
You should treat yourself to something that will make you feel better about yourself this weekend. <3
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