Let's Talk About My Gay Crush

My Gay Crush is so, so pretty. I was able to get a friend hired at Turkey & Associates to help with boxing up files so she was there today when he stopped by. She agreed that he's pretty.

Did I tell you about the present he gave me? A while back he went to Manhattan for a week, and while he was there, went to a fancy candle shop and created a candle with a scent he had them make from a feminized version of his cologne (which, hilariously, he assured me he gets a lot of compliments on), that came with a label that had my name on it and everything.

Also, he insisted I send him my resume, as he is contracting at a lovely firm that I'd be happy to work at, and within four hours of my sending the resume to him, he'd submitted it to the firm. If only all networking could be this easy.

Because we are shutting down the firm, Turkey's Personal Assistant (in case you're keeping track, in the less than two years I've worked for him, there have been four) has been spending a lot more time in the office doing moving things. All the subtenants have to move out, including Gay Crush, who really just keeps his furniture there since Baby Lawyer's been using it, but when he was told this is happening, he ordered a shipment of boxes so he could box up his stuff to move. PA ordered boxes too. Boxes came and she used three before it was discovered they were GC's. We apologized and I promised when ours came we would give him three. I decided to move his boxes out of the sunken living room and into GC's office (behind a locked door) so that the same mistake couldn't happen again, and PA said to me with a smile, "Just grab one more!" Um, that's stealing. Are you freaking crazy? I was only able to give GC two of our boxes, so tossed in a ream of paper as a substitute. I didn't tell the PA I did that, because she has this attitude that Turkey is the most important person around. Which I understand - he's the one who signs her checks, but it's still quite uncool to blatantly steal from someone. 

Turkey wants me to sign a release in exchange for giving me severance. GC encouraged me to let him look it over. Firstly, I've worked with Turkey for almost two years, and he still can't spell my last name right. Yogurt does NOT have two T's! Secondly, there are blanks in the most important parts (where it says how many weeks of severance I get) and the release is unsigned. Part of the release says that I am required to sign within seven days of being given this thing. Oh wait - that's only if I'm under 40. If I'm over 40, then I get 21 days. How is that not age discrimination? Also, I am allowed to discuss the release with nobody except (whoopsie!) my spouse or domestic partner. So again, discrimination, this time against single people. Wow, and the thing is only like two and a half pages!

Clearly I'm ignoring that shit. I forwarded the release to Gay Crush pointing out the two issues I had with it, and he agreed and pointed out a third. You know what makes me a little uncomfortable about my friendship with him? Every time we go to lunch, he insists on paying. He's a mensch that way, and it's gentlemanly and sweet and appreciated. But. He always waves me off, even when I ask to leave the tip, claiming I help him out so much, lunch is the least he can do. Except ... he's helped me a lot lately. It's at the point where I'm kind of tempted to slip the waitstaff my credit card when GC isn't looking and simply beat him to paying the bill. Though I know a few people who would get horribly bent out of shape at somebody doing that, so I don't know.

Lastly, Gay Crush recently wore dark jeans, a button-down checked shirt, a sweater-vest, a tie, and designer sunglasses. If Robert Palmer decided to bring back the videos with a slew of girls all dressed the same except switched out girls for guys, Gay Crush would totally get a prime spot.

Jealousy

Last Friday Turkey and I were talking in the conference room, and he suggested that he'd know something when he does his taxes - either this April or October. Then based on what he found out when he filed his taxes, I could file mine.

I looked at him quizzically. "I already filed my 2012 taxes." Turkey could not process this fact, and immediately proceeded to ask me if I'd filed my 2012 taxes three times, in three different ways. At one point he said to me, "But you couldn't have."

Actually, I could have, and I did. Turkey gave me the prior year's tax form, and the very next weekend I spent close to an hour cranking out my taxes.

Maybe four or so years ago, there was an associate working for Turkey whose wife was pregnant. Something happened in utero to the fetus, and the baby came out with all sorts of problems. Turkey promptly fired the associate, claiming he'd have to take off too much time from work for doctor's appointments. Last month I was told it was that associate who reported Turkey to the IRS and caused him to get audited.

Immediately after the tax talk with Turkey, he began tossing papers at me to throw away. In my head, I immediately began frantically peeling the onion to figure out why Turkey's mood had turned so sharply. Then I realized - I'd bested him. My taxes are so simple that I do them myself. He has three different accountants. He always has to file for an extension while I filed my taxes almost three months before the deadline.

Turkey always has to be better than other people. He went to two different Ivy League universities. I barely made it through community college. He can not be bested by someone like me.

Today someone from the Ethics Commission called.