Explain Me This

Thank you guys for all your support and encouragement. Really. I read and re-read and played it all back in my head when I needed a lift. Thank you. Thank you, for not only saying all those kind things, but also for not saying all the negative things I think at myself. Clearly the universe is paying you back for something. Maybe you should just admit defeat. You must be some kind of extra special fuckup because nobody has this many problems with jobs. 
One time, I think it may have been during The Florida Years, I seriously considered trying to get myself labeled severely handicapped enough to get disability for life. I'd go live in a group home with mentally retarded people, and maybe be given some menial part-time job as a supermarket bagger. Because clearly that is all I am capable of. Clearly I need extensive help and supervision. Because I keep trying, yet keep failing. Is it a spectacularly bad run of luck? There must be some fundamental nugget of knowledge that everyone else has that I can't seem to grasp. It's like when I used to try to learn things in school - everyone else would understand a concept intuitively except me, but even after it was pointed out, I wouldn't understand it, and even though nobody else needed it explained to them, I did, and even after it was explained, I still wouldn't understand.

So what is it about working and jobs that everyone else does that I can't seem to do too? A hundred years ago my mother tried to tell me not to say negative things about myself. Why point out your flaws? If you say horrible things about yourself all the time, people will start to believe you. So I'm very careful about my self-deprecating humor - how much I say, who I say it to. But all these other people do it CONSTANTLY. Always joking about what losers they are. Meanwhile they've had the same job for six, eight years. Not such a loser.

It's so disheartening. I put in outrageous amounts of effort, and can't get anywhere near as far as other people who barely have to think about it at all. Everyone at my job seems shocked that I haven't had offers just falling into my lap for the last two or three weeks. Yesterday a client sent us a check for $16,000 in response to an invoice we'd sent them. When I sat down to meet with Turkey, I announced, "I have good news!" because he always loves to hear about checks that have come in. Turkey said, "You got a job?" and I responded, "Oh. Sorry no. I meant good news for you," and lamely handed him the check. It made me feel like such shit. I just feel like such shit.

Three Months Shy

Within a year and a half of working for the Turkey, I had saved up enough money to live on for a year. Not lavishly or anything, but I could get by. On Friday Turkey announced he is shutting down the law firm. He has accepted a position as a partner at another firm. Ten minutes after that announcement, he laid off the office manager, and two hours later, was having the locks re-keyed. Within an hour of being told, I was on the phone with a headhunter, and solidly got her on Team Green - she is going to coldcall some of her clients where she thinks I would be a good fit, and see if they can make a position for me. Ten minutes after that (thank goodness for lunch hours) I was talking to a second one - the one who placed me with Nice Partner, Tuna, and Cowboy.

I was out of work three months shy of four years. During that time I had some long-term temp jobs of course. Three months here and two months there. But that whole concept of being a super-star where you temp so they'll beg you to become permanent never worked for me. Job luck is not my type of luck. You want to find a penny on the street? I'm your girl! A job, though? No, sorry.

Turkey's announcement came when I am three months shy of working for him for two years. He assured me that I will have a job through the end of the month, maybe even a week or two past that. He's sorry he can't bring me to the new firm, a firm that has a posting up on their website for a legal secretary (which I applied to three days before Turkey's big news, coincidentally). Turkey claims the firm doesn't like incoming partners to bring their own secretaries, because then neither person integrates well into the firm. You never know if you can believe Turkey.

What I know for sure is that I have lasted longer than any other secretary (the office manager, who has access to these sorts of records, told me). What I know for sure is that I have not been able to get a good night's sleep since hearing the news. What I know for sure is that being out of work as long as I was? It did something bad to me, mentally, emotionally. Something that never quite got fixed. That low-level panic I had all the time? It's back.

The glancing 10 times in six seconds at a price? The rapid mental calculations? The feeling of something substantial yet slight, like a goose, sitting on your chest, making it hard to breathe? The urge to clean out your home so you won't have a hard time packing your shopping wagon when you become homeless? They are all back. Three months shy of two years. Join me, won't you? In saying fuuuuuuuuck.

Back Down

Way back in the olden days, the general public never knew anything about actors except which films they had starred in. For the most part, there were never films about an actor's private life until after they had died.

There was a president in a wheelchair and nobody even knew he was handicapped. Now we know the intricate details of a former first lady's medical condition. There are gay people who've lived with their partners for decades and may not be able to find out the status of a partner in a hospital, but we know about Hillary Clinton's brain clot?

The fact that we have a tv show that tells us the details of Khloe Kardashian's uterus? Granted, she is an adult who made the decision to make her infertility struggles public. But I think she has made a mistake. I don't believe someone should be able to be famous for ... nothing.

Dance Moms could be a great show, if it featured what the moms do for their daughters in relation to dance. Instead, it's the teacher manipulating the students and mothers into frenzies, pitting them against each other, and the moms constantly sniping at each other, exchanging petty insults I could have come up with in seventh grade. My mother spent tons of time driving me to and from dance class, sometimes sitting in the reception area through the classes, and I assure you she was NEVER decked out in a dress, with full hair and makeup.

I just want everyone to back up a bit. Take a little pride in their talents, and showcase them, and ONLY them. Here's the press release I would like to see regarding Hillary Clinton's health: Former first lady and current U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was hospitalized on Wednesday for a non-life threatening medical condition. During her hospitalization, Jane Schmane, Head of Blah, will be covering for Ms. Clinton. We wish Ms. Clinton a speedy and full recovery. That's it. We don't need the details. It's none of our business. Why the hell do we need to know the medical intricacies of a non-family member? Does Hillary Clinton expect a get-well card from us? Should we tweet Bill?

I don't want to know why Bethenny Frankel is getting divorced. Hell, I don't even need to know that she's headed in that direction. Tell when her next book or product debut. The end.

We need to take things down a notch here. I never thought I would spend time thinking about how to be ignorant, but right now, that's the direction I'm headed in. I want to be ignorant of these things.