The Other Side of Turkey

As Jennifer Anderson was kind enough to point out, twice, I slam Turkey quite a bit. So I thought I'd switch things up and mention something he's very good about.

As I've shared in the past, we have sub-tenants. My Gay Crush (and I'm not just saying this because I have a crush on him) is low maintenance. He never has any clients come into the office. Mail comes in for him, I put it in a folder labeled GAY CRUSH (or his name, whatever) and he stops by to pick up his mail about once or twice a week. Once every other month or so, an accounting boy stops by to do stuff for an hour or so.

We have another sub-tenant who never shows up. They get mail. I dump it in a folder. Once a month, someone comes by to pick it up. The end.

We have a THIRD sub-tenant who is actually Turkey's employment attorney. He uses our office a few times a year, just when he needs to have meetings in the city. His main office is elsewhere. A few times a year he gets mail. No biggie.

Then we have our main sub-tenants. They are so much work. For me. They get mail. They have the guy (who asked me out) who comes by daily to pick it up. They have me date-stamp their mail. Fine. They pay higher rent than the other sub-tenants because they use our small conference room sometimes to meet with clients. Their clients are ... characters.

The main sub-tenants don't seem to ever tell their clients that they're just renting office space at our office. So the clients walk in and think I work for the attorneys. I don't. They don't pay me. They're not insured in any way that protects them from any mistakes I may make. Often, they will ask me for things that I either can not give (today for example, I was asked for a clipboard. I do not have a clipboard to give), or am not allowed to give (legal advice).

Now, last week, a gentle and sweet Asian man asked to use the restroom after his meeting. While he did that, the sub-tenant he'd just met with, left. When the man came out he asked if I would give his phone number to the attorney because he wasn't sure he'd done that. Sure. I zipped off an email to the attorney, and 30 seconds later, the old man was leaving. That's cool. That's the type of help I'm prepared to give.

The woman who showed up today asked if I could look up the total she owed in her file. No, I'm sorry. Well, could she borrow a clipboard? No, I'm sorry. Well, could she just borrow this (our client's) file to lean against while she wrote out a check? No, I'm sorry, but you're welcome to lean against the counter. Oh, could she borrow a pen? Sure. Could I just confirm that she wrote the correct amounts on each check that she's about to give to an attorney? Um, no. I can not take responsibility for that. What if she gets sued because I told her she wrote the right amount because I was rushing to get back to my work and made a mistake, and then she counter-sues me?

Turkey is excellent in these situations. Once, when someone wouldn't leave, I kept eye contact with them while scribbling "Get Turkey!" on a post-it and handed it to a co-worker. He popped right out of his meeting and took over, physically moving the person away from my desk, and then hilariously walking them to the stairs saying, "Let's talk over here," but then following with, "I'm sorry we can't help you. Be careful on your way down."

Today I didn't have to pass a post-it. Timing worked in my favor, and immediately after the woman asked me to review the checks she'd written, someone announced Turkey wanted to see me. I excused myself and ran into Turkey's office to see what he needed. After answering a couple of questions, I told him a client for our sub-tenant kept distracting me from drafting the email he'd asked me to send to a client. Turkey immediately stood, handed me a document while instructing me to go scan it, and strode out to talk with the woman.

He introduced himself, explained that we cannot assume liability for work related to another law firm, further explained that I was busy with work assigned to me by lawyers in my firm who I work for, and escorted her out. Turkey may forever be getting sued and losing something important (cell phone is the latest), but it's a relief to know I can always count on him for backup when the sub-tenant's clients are asking for more than I'm prepared to give.


*I'm a bitch, sure, but the reason I only provide minimal help to clients of our sub-tenants is because there really are liability issues. Never mind that I'm busy working for Turkey, who actually pays me. Never mind that the sub-tenants have a signed agreement with Turkey that actually spells out the limits of what services the person sitting at my desk provides.

Putting on Your Donald Trump Hair

The new personal assistant has not been doing well. For all the months she's been working for Turkey (since like February or early March?). When she started, on her very first day, Turkey gave her a project to complete. She hasn't done it.

In case you're new, I work in a law firm. It's business casual every day. No Jeans Friday. Business casual in San Francisco law firms is a wide range of things. However, it does not include jeans, sneakers, yoga pants, or leggings with deliberate holes up the sides. She has worn all these things (not all at once).

Some people think that every workplace is like Google and Facebook, and skipping around the office while throwing popcorn into your coworker's mouth is okay. Not true. The PA has zero office experience, and that's a huge problem. Not only does she not know how to dress in an office, but she doesn't know how to behave, nor carry her own weight.

It kind of drags us all down. We're rushing around trying to get shit done for clients, and she's interrupting to ask us to do her a favor. There's a very distinct divide between her work and our work, because we work for a law firm, and she works for Turkey personally. All of us have worked in law firms for a long time. So what winds up happening is that PA will ask Office Manager to do something for her. He'll say no. The reason he'll say no is because of some legitimate reason that is totally obvious to everyone but her. She'll stand there trying to engage and argue with him. Who has time to explain this shit?

Today I had to explain to the Substitute PA what a trust account is in a law firm, how it's used, how it's different from a family trust, and how retainers are related to trust accounts. Why? Because he's subbing for Office Manager and didn't understand what the big deal was if he accidentally wrote a check from the trust account rather than the operating account. ::bangs head on desk::

Today Turkey told me he's firing PA. Then I had to sit there while we figured out when in his schedule he'd have time to say, "You're fired!" How fucked up is that? Not only shouldn't I know at all, but I shouldn't have to help him. Does he want me to draft what he's going to say to her too? Monday's going to be outrageously awkward.

Reaching a New Level

My gay crush and I. Oh, it pains me to even have to say this. Don't worry - we're still in love. And by "in love" I mean "we still get along nicely as co-workers."

He is contracting at a nearby law firm. He thought it would be like two or three days there, and then still being in our office (he doesn't work for our firm; he's just a sub-tenant. A beautiful, gorgeous, sub-tenant with a fabulous body and excellent smile) a couple of days too. But no. He's covering for two associates who are out on maternity leave, and he's been swamped.

Turkey hired My Gay Crush to do some work on one of our cases, so luckily, I still wind up with a legitimate excuse to contact him. Last week MGC called the office to set up a time to talk with Turkey.

Here's something quirky about Turkey: he always has me call people to set up times to talk with them. It's always awkward when they say, "Well, how about now? Is now a good time?" and I have to respond, "No. But are you available in 20 minutes?" I hate it. One time Turkey told me to set up a call for 10 minutes in the future, with a guy who has zero patience and is always in his office all day. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just called the guy in 10 minutes and asked if he could talk with Turkey. He could.

When My Gay Crush called last week and I answered with my standard Legal Secretary Greeting, he said, "Hi, it's me." IT'S ME. Oh. My. We're at that level now? Well alrighty then, sure.

Of course, I am a total wuss. It was a miracle that I forced MGC to become friends with me in the first place. But today, I had to call him, and thought about doing a "Hi, it's me," when he answered. I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk him saying, "Um, who?" Because I'd hang up and cry if that happened. Instead, I settled on "Hi, it's Green." Thought about saying, "Hi, it's Green, from Turkey's office," but this is my version of going out on a limb. He knew who I was, thank goodness. So I guess we're reached a new level of our relationship, where we barely identify ourselves to each other on the phone. Never mind that he has Caller ID on his cell phone. (Turkey's phones don't have it.)

Now all I need to do is get this going with a straight guy.