What I'm Not Blogging About These Days

Story number one: Today I walked over to the bank. It's only a few blocks way, and I've been there several times previously. It was really sunny out and I was squinting as I walked up to the bank door. When I yanked on the door to open it, it remained closed. I tried the other door. Nothing. I squinted harder at the door to see what the hours were. Per the hours, the bank was opened. I was confused. I looked around and felt stupid. Looked at the door again. Then I noticed a sign on the one of the doors that said something about using a different entrance. I walked around the building, and found another entrance. Then I went into the bank. I wonder why they changed which doors are being used.

Story number two: I went to the CalTrain station to get a September fast pass. You can buy them at a bunch of different places, but the CalTrain station never runs out. When I got there an Asian man was already in line. It seemed like all the windows were closed and nobody was there. There was a sign saying someone would be back at 5:45pm. Very weird. CalTrain is always open. I mean, maybe not from like 2am to 5am or something, but pretty much always. The guy turned around and told me you couldn't buy a ticket from the machines with a credit card. I walked towards the machines and saw someone who worked for CalTrain standing around.

I asked the man if I could buy a Fast Pass from one of the machines. He shook his head. I asked if there was anyone available to sell me a Fast Pass. He told me to go to Safeway. So I did.

See? You're not missing much.

Fat Actress

Sometimes my friends and I have totally normal conversations. How are you? What's new? Did you see they closed Tower Records? Did you hear about the homeless guy who shoves flutes up his nose and plays them while also playing the buckets near Union Square?

You know, the usual.

But sometimes our conversations veer off to so many different tangents that all of a sudden we're talking about how great Mayim Bialik is and I have no clue how we got there.

That's what happened recently while I was talking to Barrett. Now, Mayim happens to be around my age, so I actually DID watch Blossom when it was on, but Barrett is four years older than me, and I'm almost positive she didn't. She may not even have seen Beaches. And I'd bet if she did, she didn't cry when Barbara Hershey was dying. Oops, spoiler on a movie from the 80's!

Anyway, so Barrett and I were talking about Mayim, and she asked if I'd seen the Kirstie Alley series Fat Actress. I hadn't. Barrett told me Mayim plays Kirstie Alley's neighbor in the show and she hates her. This intrigued me, because I knew that had to mean funny, and I'd recently seen Mayim on TLC's What Not to Wear and had just found out Mayim could be funny. Like, truly funny.

However. I was never really a Kirstie Alley fan. When I thought back to Cheers, she always seemed to be hyper and uptight and whiny. When I thought of Look Who's Talking she seemed uptight and hyper. Harried. I didn't really think I'd enjoy Fat Actress.

Peoples, sometimes you should really just trust your friends. I didn't particularly enjoy the first episode of Fat Actress. I found Kirstie Alley to be whiny and annoying. But I was watching through Netflix, so I soldiered on to the second episode. And it all clicked for me. Turns out Kirstie Alley (who both stars in and co-wrote the show) is really funny. There were a lot of guest stars and I totally got into the show.

Just like My So-Called Life, I am very sad Fat Actress was only on air for one season. [insert cool lean against row of lockers while staring up at the ceiling as if thinking deep thoughts all while wearing a one-piece gas station jumpsuit, a la Jordan Catalano who is the only character or person able to pull that look off]

All this to say, you too, should go watch the Fat Actress series. Then we can discuss it. Then we can keep talking, and five minutes later we'll probably be laughing so hard we're about to pee in our pants while talking about unicorns or spatulas or something equally obscure. Because that's how we roll.

To the Chris Brown Fans

Russell should be nominated for something big and impressive for this post. It's touching and sweet and right.

Oh, Well That's Okay

Today I'm temping at that place that pays less than unemployment. When I got the call yesterday asking if I would mind coming despite the pay, I said yes for a few reasons:

1. I am having trouble being a person lately. You know, getting dressed, leaving the house. So this was a good push.
2. The firm specifically requested me.
3. The recruiter who called me about this job has been the only one to call me about ANY work over the last four or so months, which means I'd like to keep him happy.
4. Never know what it could lead to. Maybe someone will retire or move away. Maybe the attorney here will have a lawyer-friend who is hiring.

So here I sit, in an empty penthouse in Union Square. So far the woman who works here (who I met last time I temped) called, and another woman called twice for the lawyer. I told her he was not in. She asked when he was expected. I paused, and then told her, "Actually, I'm a temp and nobody else has come in yet so I'm not sure. If you'd like, I can email him a message from you."

She replied, "No, I already left a message. Several messages. When do you think he'll come in?" I sighed. "Again ma'am, I'm a temp, from an agency. I'm the first to arrive at the office, and I don't see any notes about when he's expected in. So I'm not sure."

Her response? "Oh, well that's okay. I was a temp once too." Lady, I *know* it's okay. I don't feel badly that you can't reach someone. Perhaps if you'd told me your issue and I agreed it was as urgent as you think it is, I might offer to track down the attorney's cell phone and call him.

The chances of that being the case are pretty slim though. This guy doesn't do a type of law that has real emergencies (criminal, family, etc.) so when a client thinks something is an emergency more likely they're just dizzy with the power of having someone work for them and want hand-holding. I wonder how many more times she'll call back before the lawyer shows up. So far we're up to three.

People, a little tip from me to you. When you're desperately trying to reach someone and keep getting their gatekeeper, leave your NAME. This woman has called three times! Not once has she told me her name! Yes, I've asked. That means if the attorney calls in, I can't say, "Mary's called three times for you, she urgently wants to talk with you." All I could possibly say is, "Some lady called three times but won't leave a message." Attorneys don't want to hear that. They don't want their time wasted with useless information.

Fucking With You Through Facebook

In high school I was best friends with a girl named Lauryn who was devious, manipulative, and, I eventually realized, basically a sociopath who never tired of fucking with people, though I never saw her abuse any animals. Lauryn was also tons of fun, which was why I liked her.

Also in high school, I had a huge crush on a guy two grades ahead of me. He of course, had no interest in me at all. He was a huge player and hooked up with pretty much every girl in the school including Lauryn, except me and Gara, the girl who once had a temper tantrum so dramatic that she stepped inside a garbage pail of her own volition.

Even after I switched to a different high school towards the end of tenth grade, I still maintained my crush. I don't know where (or if) he went to college. I'd heard he knocked up a girl a few towns over. When I lived in Florida, at one point I reconnected with Lauryn, we got together two or three times, and one day she told me she'd bumped into my crush and he was married with a kid.

She asked if I'd talked with him and I said no, not since high school. Lauryn seemed a tiny bit triumphant that she'd had contact with him and I hadn't. I didn't like the person Lauryn had (not) grown up to be, and when I moved to San Francisco I didn't tell her and we haven't had contact since.

This afternoon I logged into Facebook and saw a friend request from Lauryn. I actually wasn't sure who she was at first, because I'd forgotten her married name. My usual M.O. is to accept a friend request from everyone I know, whether or not I want to be in touch with them, to be nice. If I don't really want to and am doing it anyway, I just block them from being able to see anything in my Facebook profile or wall, and let them think I'm simply not very involved in Facebook.

I was so surprised at seeing Lauryn's name that I didn't accept her friend request this afternoon. Tonight, I logged into Facebook again, and again, saw her name. I clicked on it to see who else she is friends with. Only one person. I'll give you one guess who. I almost wonder if she did that on purpose. Once again proving she can get what I couldn't. Weird.