I Officially Give Up
Fifteen months. That's how long I paid for COBRA. Know how many times I used it? Once, and I was actually trying to bypass it at the time. As of September 1, when I did not send in a check to pay for health insurance for this month, I have given up. I can't do it anymore. I already maxed out the credit card that has the highest limit.
I simply can not afford health insurance anymore. It just costs way too much. Pre-existing conditions be dammed. At least I'll probably be healthier now that I won't be stressing over going further and further into debt so quickly. I only had three months left of COBRA left anyway before it ran out.
I am tired. So fucking tired. I can not even tell you how many times I lied during that weekend in Florida. Where do you work? What do you do? How do you like work? I come from a very black and white family when it comes to lying. To the point that when I was a little girl, and changed my favorite color from purple to red one week, my father asked if I'd been lying last week or if I was lying this week. We're hardcore about lying. So to lie about what I do every day, for the bulk of my day, hurt me deeply.
White lies are a great invention. I'm all for lying to avoid hurting people, and lying to protect. And I lied to protect myself. Because I can not stand being asked anymore. How's the job search going? It's still going, which tells you it's not going well. How are you doing? Horribly, and it's a huge effort for me to not burst into tears and throw myself into your arms. How are you affording this? The truth is, I'm not. I'm deeply in debt, scrambling to pay minimums and rent and for food.
The truth is I wish I still had my car. The one I sold in Florida to pay for the move out here. Because that was always my back-up plan. That when I became homeless (when, never if, because I've always believed I'd ultimately fail in life, since I was a little girl) I'd move into my car. And now I have no car to move into. And it scares the shit out of me.
I simply can not afford health insurance anymore. It just costs way too much. Pre-existing conditions be dammed. At least I'll probably be healthier now that I won't be stressing over going further and further into debt so quickly. I only had three months left of COBRA left anyway before it ran out.
I am tired. So fucking tired. I can not even tell you how many times I lied during that weekend in Florida. Where do you work? What do you do? How do you like work? I come from a very black and white family when it comes to lying. To the point that when I was a little girl, and changed my favorite color from purple to red one week, my father asked if I'd been lying last week or if I was lying this week. We're hardcore about lying. So to lie about what I do every day, for the bulk of my day, hurt me deeply.
White lies are a great invention. I'm all for lying to avoid hurting people, and lying to protect. And I lied to protect myself. Because I can not stand being asked anymore. How's the job search going? It's still going, which tells you it's not going well. How are you doing? Horribly, and it's a huge effort for me to not burst into tears and throw myself into your arms. How are you affording this? The truth is, I'm not. I'm deeply in debt, scrambling to pay minimums and rent and for food.
The truth is I wish I still had my car. The one I sold in Florida to pay for the move out here. Because that was always my back-up plan. That when I became homeless (when, never if, because I've always believed I'd ultimately fail in life, since I was a little girl) I'd move into my car. And now I have no car to move into. And it scares the shit out of me.
Labels: Cash Flow, Harshing Your Mellow, I'm Hurt, Personally, Pounding the pavement, Turtle-in, Work
posted by Green at 9/05/2008 10:21:00 AM
9 Comments:
Okay this sucks, so big and hits my biggest fear. I can get insurance, if I have continual insurance, but one 30 day break and no one will touch me, because I'm a cardiac nightmare.
I don't know what to say, because the situation is really urgent. Is there any minimal, basic insurance you can get? Just to avoid the pre-exisiting thing? Does your state offer assistance for moderate income? I'll shut up if you investigated every thing.
I'm really sorry. What can we brainstrom?
How fucking silly. You think I'd let you go homeless? IF you get to that point, you're going to have to suck it up and move to *gasp* Minnesota and bunk with us for a while. Damn, girl. Have SOME faith in your friends.
That said, COBRA? I don't even know why it bothers to exist. Way too expensive. LN's dad has to pay $500 a month if he wants to stay on COBRA. I'm sure he'd rather spend the money on booze... and I wish he'd give us some to help pay for LN's stuff. THEY really have to fix this shit.
And people still think our current health care system works...ha! (I mean, sure it works, as long as you don't get sick.)
We amassed a huge amount of debt because of carrying COBRA after my layoff and then to pay for private healthcare insurance. We're talking probably 2 years of credit card debt racked up to pay for shitty insurance half the time. We're still paying it off. I do feel your pain in that regard.
If you ever think about leaving CA and see what the job market in Austin is like, you have a place to stay with us.
Why have you always believed you would fail in life? I guess the better question would be: Whose definition of failure are you using as your reference point? You are an amazing person and I suspect you were never allowed to shine in your own special way. Let that light shine, baby!
I'm sorry you have to lie with most of your family, that nobody in your family gets how hard things are when looking for permanent work in your field. Nobody you can be honest with and let your fears and feelings show. That's what friends are for. Just remember that, lover of green things.
you do realize that no matter what, I'd never let you be homeless, right?
oh, shit, green. i'm so sorry! this situation is awful. what about kaiser's "young and healthy" plan (that's not its name, but they have a plan that costs something like $90/month and offers basic services)? i wouldn't have thought this a month ago, but shit can happen so quickly. i am crossing my fingers even harder for you.
and i am really sorry you felt like you had to lie. i've been there too, with the awful questions... you did what you had to do at the time.
wishin' and a hopin' for you, green.
Wow, I can't even imagine how scary that must be for you.
You know, many people think that it's really crappy that we pay between 39-60% taxes in this country (Denmark). It does sound bloody awful. But my God, the security we have in knowing that whatever happens to us, we can go to the doctor for "free", have a baby for "free", have heart surgery for "free", have chemo for "free"...and our neighbours, and the guy at the gas station, and the top executive, and the lady at the check out. We're all equal. That makes it all worth it.
People gave Hillary a lot of flack back when Bill was prez, because this is what she wanted for the American people. But do the American people want this themselves?? Apparently not. Unfortunately, this isn't really on Obama's agenda, but I really really hope that the US will wake up one day and smell the social security.
Old saying: when in doubt, temp.
I've scraped financial bottom more times than I can count, including bankruptcy, living on a friend's couch (separate incidents). I went 3+ years without health insurance of any kind (twice).
And more than once, I've been able to walk into a temp agency, take some silly test, and have a gig within a week, a paycheck within two. And I don't really have any skills, mostly proofreading and editing. And that's just high school grammar.
So NOT going to let you ever be homeless Green. Don't even say stuff like that.
As for the insurance...gawd, I hate that it's like this. This just SUCKS. WTF, people? Let's get some decent, affordable health care going! ARGH. I'm so, so sorry Green.
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