Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels**
And nothing makes you feel more stupid than having someone say what they're telling you is obviously way beneath you, yet everything they say completely actually confuses you.
People don't "get" the learning disabilities thing. When I mention it, aside from silence, the most common responses I get are "So you're dyslexic?" (I swear, I just typed that dsylexic - oh, the irony!) and "Yeah, my cousin is ADD, do you take Ritalin?"
To answer those questions, while I am a bit dyslexic, I'm hyper aware of it, and though I do make mistakes, I usually catch and correct them. Just a few days ago I gave my dad directions and the next day sent another e-mail apologizing, saying that the store was actually to the left of Publix, not the right, as I'd initially told him. So dyslexia did not show up on the last test I took.
I was never diagnosed as having ADD, and no, I have never taken Ritalin. Years ago, my mother said she would never give me Ritalin because one of the side effects was that is supresses growth. Now I'm going to get 450 comments from people telling me how tall they are and that they took Ritalin for eight years. Good for you, glad it helped, it's not for me. Even if that weren't one of the side effects, you're not supposed to take Ritalin if you have depression, which I do, and always have, had. So no Ritalin for me.
The easiest way for me to describe how my learning disabilities affect me, in a way you'll understand, is like this: Imagine you're one of those people who passed high school chemistry by cheating off the smart kid in front of you, and that you have no clue what quantum physics is. You don't know why the sky is blue, why volcanoes erupt, and you barely understand what a meniscus is, and had no idea that it's two different things.
You only speak and understand English. Now go to Madrid, and take a class in advanced biochemistry.
Every so often you hear a word that you understand, and you get excited, but then deflate, realizing it just means "yes" and you have no clue what the yes is in response to. Or you hear another word, like pH, and you think it has something to do with smell, or levels of smell, or levels of something, and you know it has to do with science. But after that point, you're lost. Then you start wondering where you've heard of pH, and realize it's in relation to deodorant commercials. This makes you wonder if you remembered to put deodorant on. You realize with relief that you did. Then you remember that the other thing you often forget is your watch, and you check your wrist. Remembered that too. Then you check the time. Then you calculate how much longer you'll have to be sitting there. Then you think of the last time you were this bored.
Then you realize you're there to learn and should pay attention, and you spend two minutes trying to remember what you were originally trying to figure out. Oh yes, pH! You rack your brain for anything you know about deodorant that will help you understand what is being discussed. Nothing. You try to figure out what they're talking about now.
This is pretty much what formal learning is like for me. I have a very hard time paying attention to things I can't understand. Sometimes I know words, but not what they mean. Other times I know concepts, but not words that define those concepts.
At a friend's house the other night, politics kept being discussed. I went in and out of the conversation, as I understood. People would reference something, laugh, and start discussing it. I didn't understand what they were referencing, and therefore didn't get the joke, but once they were discussing, I could discuss too.
I have these relatives who are very warm and loving. But they're also very well-traveled, and know a lot of stuff about stuff. They'll say things like, "But you know how the traffic is in Germany, especially with what's going on now" and I've never been to Germany, and no, I don't know what's going on there now.*
It's not just a few times in a conversation, but for the entire duration of it. I have to search for things I understand. It's frustrating, exhausting, and depressing.
The other day at work there was a mandatory meeting for secretaries about California Court Structure. The person leading the lecture was a partner at our firm. I do not know the court structure and really would have welcomed learning it. I'm not one of those people who can teach herself things. I've tried, I always fail. Supposedly, it's good to know things about yourself.
Anyway. He talked, I listened, I took notes. I even asked intelligent questions. My parents would not be surprised to know I asked questions like this, or to hear that I didn't understand the answers given to my questions. At one point, he was talking about the difference between state and federal court. As he starts talking, I'm thinking, "Now what does federal mean again? State? Wait, it can't mean state - if it meant the same thing, there wouldn't be differences. It must mean for the whole country. Is that right? Shit, I don't know. SHIT, I'm missing everything he's saying! Fuck, I'm so lost."
It was a waste of my time. He taught way above my level of understanding. He even said he was giving us an entire semester of law school (Con Law) crammed into two hours. Dude, there's a reason I didn't go to law school. I'M TOO STUPID FOR IT! SOOOO frustrating.
And this happens to me ALL. DAY. LONG. Every day. I never get a day off from being too stupid to understand what's going on around me. Because I'm smart, I can hide it in front of other people for the most part. I ignore it. I actually do have this burning desire to learn stuff, and have to shove it down within myself and ignore it most of the time, because learning is so hard.
If I ask you something one day, the absolute worst thing you say can is, "Oh my god, how can you NOT know that?! I learned that in third grade!" Yeah, well, I didn't learn much of anything in third grade, other than just because your teacher is pretty, it doesn't mean she'll be nice. The other one that burns me is, "If you're going to ask that, I don't even know where to start with you." Start at the beginning, you asshole.
I once asked a friend why a historically popular place in San Francisco hadn't been restored so people could use it now, and she was disgusted with my question. Not only didn't I get my question answered, but I still don't know what was so offensive about asking it. Open-minded, my ass.
**I don't really believe this.
*There's nothing going on with the traffic in Germany, you know - as far as I know (which isn't far).
People don't "get" the learning disabilities thing. When I mention it, aside from silence, the most common responses I get are "So you're dyslexic?" (I swear, I just typed that dsylexic - oh, the irony!) and "Yeah, my cousin is ADD, do you take Ritalin?"
To answer those questions, while I am a bit dyslexic, I'm hyper aware of it, and though I do make mistakes, I usually catch and correct them. Just a few days ago I gave my dad directions and the next day sent another e-mail apologizing, saying that the store was actually to the left of Publix, not the right, as I'd initially told him. So dyslexia did not show up on the last test I took.
I was never diagnosed as having ADD, and no, I have never taken Ritalin. Years ago, my mother said she would never give me Ritalin because one of the side effects was that is supresses growth. Now I'm going to get 450 comments from people telling me how tall they are and that they took Ritalin for eight years. Good for you, glad it helped, it's not for me. Even if that weren't one of the side effects, you're not supposed to take Ritalin if you have depression, which I do, and always have, had. So no Ritalin for me.
The easiest way for me to describe how my learning disabilities affect me, in a way you'll understand, is like this: Imagine you're one of those people who passed high school chemistry by cheating off the smart kid in front of you, and that you have no clue what quantum physics is. You don't know why the sky is blue, why volcanoes erupt, and you barely understand what a meniscus is, and had no idea that it's two different things.
You only speak and understand English. Now go to Madrid, and take a class in advanced biochemistry.
Every so often you hear a word that you understand, and you get excited, but then deflate, realizing it just means "yes" and you have no clue what the yes is in response to. Or you hear another word, like pH, and you think it has something to do with smell, or levels of smell, or levels of something, and you know it has to do with science. But after that point, you're lost. Then you start wondering where you've heard of pH, and realize it's in relation to deodorant commercials. This makes you wonder if you remembered to put deodorant on. You realize with relief that you did. Then you remember that the other thing you often forget is your watch, and you check your wrist. Remembered that too. Then you check the time. Then you calculate how much longer you'll have to be sitting there. Then you think of the last time you were this bored.
Then you realize you're there to learn and should pay attention, and you spend two minutes trying to remember what you were originally trying to figure out. Oh yes, pH! You rack your brain for anything you know about deodorant that will help you understand what is being discussed. Nothing. You try to figure out what they're talking about now.
This is pretty much what formal learning is like for me. I have a very hard time paying attention to things I can't understand. Sometimes I know words, but not what they mean. Other times I know concepts, but not words that define those concepts.
At a friend's house the other night, politics kept being discussed. I went in and out of the conversation, as I understood. People would reference something, laugh, and start discussing it. I didn't understand what they were referencing, and therefore didn't get the joke, but once they were discussing, I could discuss too.
I have these relatives who are very warm and loving. But they're also very well-traveled, and know a lot of stuff about stuff. They'll say things like, "But you know how the traffic is in Germany, especially with what's going on now" and I've never been to Germany, and no, I don't know what's going on there now.*
It's not just a few times in a conversation, but for the entire duration of it. I have to search for things I understand. It's frustrating, exhausting, and depressing.
The other day at work there was a mandatory meeting for secretaries about California Court Structure. The person leading the lecture was a partner at our firm. I do not know the court structure and really would have welcomed learning it. I'm not one of those people who can teach herself things. I've tried, I always fail. Supposedly, it's good to know things about yourself.
Anyway. He talked, I listened, I took notes. I even asked intelligent questions. My parents would not be surprised to know I asked questions like this, or to hear that I didn't understand the answers given to my questions. At one point, he was talking about the difference between state and federal court. As he starts talking, I'm thinking, "Now what does federal mean again? State? Wait, it can't mean state - if it meant the same thing, there wouldn't be differences. It must mean for the whole country. Is that right? Shit, I don't know. SHIT, I'm missing everything he's saying! Fuck, I'm so lost."
It was a waste of my time. He taught way above my level of understanding. He even said he was giving us an entire semester of law school (Con Law) crammed into two hours. Dude, there's a reason I didn't go to law school. I'M TOO STUPID FOR IT! SOOOO frustrating.
And this happens to me ALL. DAY. LONG. Every day. I never get a day off from being too stupid to understand what's going on around me. Because I'm smart, I can hide it in front of other people for the most part. I ignore it. I actually do have this burning desire to learn stuff, and have to shove it down within myself and ignore it most of the time, because learning is so hard.
If I ask you something one day, the absolute worst thing you say can is, "Oh my god, how can you NOT know that?! I learned that in third grade!" Yeah, well, I didn't learn much of anything in third grade, other than just because your teacher is pretty, it doesn't mean she'll be nice. The other one that burns me is, "If you're going to ask that, I don't even know where to start with you." Start at the beginning, you asshole.
I once asked a friend why a historically popular place in San Francisco hadn't been restored so people could use it now, and she was disgusted with my question. Not only didn't I get my question answered, but I still don't know what was so offensive about asking it. Open-minded, my ass.
**I don't really believe this.
*There's nothing going on with the traffic in Germany, you know - as far as I know (which isn't far).
posted by Green at 11/10/2006 10:33:00 AM
9 Comments:
Wow, that does sound exhausting. Doesn't really seem fair.
:) At the risk of being one of those annoying people, I had to laugh at the Ritalin paragraph. My little brother was on it for 7 years. Maybe it accelerates growth. At 6 feet tall, he is the only one of us over 5'6".
And shame on any person who treats a person asking a question like she's dumb. I followed your link, too, and if you find out the answer, I'd like to know. Just about anything else would have been torn down, if not to build something else on the spot, at least for public safety.
This post made me think of two things. First, tiramisu pretty much tastes as good as being thin feels. (And as Susie Bright would say, women dieting are women not having orgasms.)
And second, when I was in grad school, there was a real prince of a man in my program. We were sitting near each other and typing away on our computers, and he said, "Hey, do you know the names of the Canadian Provinces?" Like, he needed the names and couldn't think of them, and could I help. So I started listing them: "Ontario...um...Quebec...I think Saskatchewan..." I got a few and then said, "are there more?" I was kind of joking because I didn't know them and knew I probably should. Anyway - I thought his response would be along the lines of, "oh, and I just thought of the others - thanks!" or something.
But no. Because it turned out that he asked me because he was Canadian, and he figured I wouldn't know, and he thought it would be fun to make me feel stupid. So he said, "yes, actually there are more." And then, to the person who walked in the room at that moment (also Canadian), "can you believe that Americans are so stupid?"
Next time, call Canada our 51st state. That always frosts their petunias eh?
Have you ever been tested for APD, Auditory Processing Disorder? It sounds remarkably like what you're describing, and it's not 'cured' by any medications, but is markedly helped by speech therapy. You get it diagnosed by a speech pathologist/audiologist.
I don't understand why asking about restoring the Sutro Baths is such a dumb question. I think "ocean bathing" in that manner was a Victorian thing, and maybe it's a bad idea because it might not be easy to drain & replace the water. (My kids have taken swimming lessons, and inevitably several times a year the lessons are cancelled because some kid pooped in the pool & the whole thing has to be drained & disinfected). But then again, there are "baths" like the Sutro Baths in places where there are natural mineral waters and hot springs, so it could probably be done.
It's so hard to imagine that you struggle. I know you do, but you are just so fucking smart.
What kinds of jackasses are you hanging out with who would say something like, "Oh my god, how can you NOT know that?! I learned that in third grade!" I have such a fear of people thinking I'm stupid, I hardly ever ask questions. And I think this is a terrible personality trait. How can you learn anything if you don't ask?
Oh, and why *haven't* the Sutro Baths been restored?
I don't get it about the Sutro Baths either. I'd go there! Why don't they restore them?
Maybe this is a thing you have to be a native to understand.
I was not *disgusted* by your question about Sutro Baths and have no idea why you would think that.
First, I would never know how being thin feels, and clearly I don’t buy into the hype of that quote ahem :) Butter tastes pretty damn good though. Clearly I’m not ready to give it up enough to find out if being thin feels better than it tastes.
Second, The Sutro baths look fascinating! I’d really love to visit there if I ever get to SF. And really, why in the world didn’t they keep them up. That looks like a really cool place to go.
I’m really sorry about your troubles with the learning disabilities. I did connect with you about one thing, when there is something that is so completely over my head that I don’t understand it, it just sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher is talking to me “Wah wah wah wah wah wah”… Cost basis for example. Ugh!
I do notice how smart and witty you are through your blog, and I’m always floored at how hysterically funny you are as well. It what sent me to the archives, and is keeping me here :)
Charlene
http://lifedramatic.blogspot.com
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