Dear Steamroller
In no particular order, here are the things you currently do that annoy me:
1. You've taken one of my mugs. This would be no big deal if you wanted to borrow a mug to have a drink and then washed it and put it away. But I told you when we first met that I am anal. I know I'm petty, it's just a mug, I have others, but you know what? I haven't changed, and I want my fucking mug back. It's just sitting on your desk, where it's been for over a month now. Why can't you just put it in the dishwasher?
2. Where are my scissors that are kept on the kitchen counter? And why, when I asked if you'd seen them tonight when I needed to use them, did you go look in your BATHROOM? These are scissors I use to cut open packages of food sometimes. They should NEVER be in the bathroom. Now I know that I said "It's okay, I'll just use a steak knife" tonight, but please do not be fooled. That did not mean you don't need to find my scissors. You do. And you need to clean them before you put them back. On second thought, just buy me a new pair, okay? Keep the old ones.
3. Stop cooking things and never cleaning up from them. I'm weird - I don't like to wait and see how long you have to leave things out in order to attact bugs. It's why I clean up from cooking the same day I cook. It's why I use Clorox Wipes. You could, too - they're right under the sink, all convenient-like. When you cook those ... crockpotty looking things that smell good, and they spill all over the fridge, counters, stove and floor, you have to clean all that up. If you clean it up soon after the spill with Clorox Wipes, or even wet paper towel, it won't be hard to do at all. Really. Know how I know? Because I clean up after you all the fucking time!!
4. The paper towel issue. I asked you like five months ago to buy another roll, once I figured out you were using so much of it. I think that's reasonable. Do you not? If you don't, that's okay - we can talk about it and come to some sort of agreement. But what I see happening is that we both use, but only I buy, and that's not cool. And you don't even throw out the empty paper towel roll - you just leave it sitting there.
5. High-speed internet. Originally, you'd said you'd take care of setting up high-speed internet for both of us, and we'd split the cost. Somehow you managed to set it up for yourself, but couldn't get it set up for me. So here I sit, on dial-up. And even though I've tasted faster internet, I'm okay with this. Really. But I'm not cool with the fact that it's $45.00. You've got to pay that, ALL of that, since I'm not using it.
6. The slamming of the doors. We all have tempers; I understand this. I've been known to slam a door or cabinet in my day too. But you slam doors as your primary way of closing them, and that's not working for me. Especially since you keep ... for lack of a better phrase, Bouncer Hours. I try to be in bed by 11 p.m. every night. When you come home at 2 or 3 a.m., please take care to NOT slam doors. I know it's my own issue that I'm a light sleeper, and I wake up when someone in Jersey coughs, but your door-slamming habit is VERY loud. Please, think of those who are sleeping. Perhaps you are bitter that you are working late and I'm not. That's your own issue to get over by yourself.
7. In addition to the door-slamming, and the late-night noise-making, there's Mr. Steamroller. Normally a quiet boyfriend, but you often seem to forget he's coming over. He knocks on the door around 1 a.m., over and over. The sound wakes me up, but I'm in that half asleep state, where I'm aware of what's going on, but too tired to move or speak. Let the boy in, so he'll stop making so much noise.
8. Why do you keep losing your keys? Why do you keep locking yourself out? There is nothing I can do for you when you call me on my cell phone and I'm out of the house. Remember that time you got all attitudey on me because I laughed when you asked me to come home to let you in? I was on a ferry on my way to Tiberon. If I were across the street, or even down the block, that'd be one thing. But I was kind of far away to turn around and come home. Especially since you do this about twice a month. Especially since you can just pay the Stupid Fine, and have Security let you in.
9. Garbage. Emptying it. Why don't you? Why, twice a week, do I find myself emptying the garbage that you created? Oh yeah, it's because I hate having bags of garbage two feet from the front door, just sitting there, stinking up the apartment. Emptying the garbage should be something we BOTH do. Hell, even Mr. Steamroller should be doing it sometimes, since he's here any time you're here.
Now, I know I'm not perfect. And I also know I'm a bit anal about cleanliness. But you knew this. I said it in my roommate ad and everything, and then stressed it to you when we met.
So please, get on track with this shit. We're going to have a talk very soon about some of these issues (I won't bother with 1, 2, 4, 7, and 8). If you could pull your shit together roommate-wise in the very near future, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Fuck you very much,
Green
1. You've taken one of my mugs. This would be no big deal if you wanted to borrow a mug to have a drink and then washed it and put it away. But I told you when we first met that I am anal. I know I'm petty, it's just a mug, I have others, but you know what? I haven't changed, and I want my fucking mug back. It's just sitting on your desk, where it's been for over a month now. Why can't you just put it in the dishwasher?
2. Where are my scissors that are kept on the kitchen counter? And why, when I asked if you'd seen them tonight when I needed to use them, did you go look in your BATHROOM? These are scissors I use to cut open packages of food sometimes. They should NEVER be in the bathroom. Now I know that I said "It's okay, I'll just use a steak knife" tonight, but please do not be fooled. That did not mean you don't need to find my scissors. You do. And you need to clean them before you put them back. On second thought, just buy me a new pair, okay? Keep the old ones.
3. Stop cooking things and never cleaning up from them. I'm weird - I don't like to wait and see how long you have to leave things out in order to attact bugs. It's why I clean up from cooking the same day I cook. It's why I use Clorox Wipes. You could, too - they're right under the sink, all convenient-like. When you cook those ... crockpotty looking things that smell good, and they spill all over the fridge, counters, stove and floor, you have to clean all that up. If you clean it up soon after the spill with Clorox Wipes, or even wet paper towel, it won't be hard to do at all. Really. Know how I know? Because I clean up after you all the fucking time!!
4. The paper towel issue. I asked you like five months ago to buy another roll, once I figured out you were using so much of it. I think that's reasonable. Do you not? If you don't, that's okay - we can talk about it and come to some sort of agreement. But what I see happening is that we both use, but only I buy, and that's not cool. And you don't even throw out the empty paper towel roll - you just leave it sitting there.
5. High-speed internet. Originally, you'd said you'd take care of setting up high-speed internet for both of us, and we'd split the cost. Somehow you managed to set it up for yourself, but couldn't get it set up for me. So here I sit, on dial-up. And even though I've tasted faster internet, I'm okay with this. Really. But I'm not cool with the fact that it's $45.00. You've got to pay that, ALL of that, since I'm not using it.
6. The slamming of the doors. We all have tempers; I understand this. I've been known to slam a door or cabinet in my day too. But you slam doors as your primary way of closing them, and that's not working for me. Especially since you keep ... for lack of a better phrase, Bouncer Hours. I try to be in bed by 11 p.m. every night. When you come home at 2 or 3 a.m., please take care to NOT slam doors. I know it's my own issue that I'm a light sleeper, and I wake up when someone in Jersey coughs, but your door-slamming habit is VERY loud. Please, think of those who are sleeping. Perhaps you are bitter that you are working late and I'm not. That's your own issue to get over by yourself.
7. In addition to the door-slamming, and the late-night noise-making, there's Mr. Steamroller. Normally a quiet boyfriend, but you often seem to forget he's coming over. He knocks on the door around 1 a.m., over and over. The sound wakes me up, but I'm in that half asleep state, where I'm aware of what's going on, but too tired to move or speak. Let the boy in, so he'll stop making so much noise.
8. Why do you keep losing your keys? Why do you keep locking yourself out? There is nothing I can do for you when you call me on my cell phone and I'm out of the house. Remember that time you got all attitudey on me because I laughed when you asked me to come home to let you in? I was on a ferry on my way to Tiberon. If I were across the street, or even down the block, that'd be one thing. But I was kind of far away to turn around and come home. Especially since you do this about twice a month. Especially since you can just pay the Stupid Fine, and have Security let you in.
9. Garbage. Emptying it. Why don't you? Why, twice a week, do I find myself emptying the garbage that you created? Oh yeah, it's because I hate having bags of garbage two feet from the front door, just sitting there, stinking up the apartment. Emptying the garbage should be something we BOTH do. Hell, even Mr. Steamroller should be doing it sometimes, since he's here any time you're here.
Now, I know I'm not perfect. And I also know I'm a bit anal about cleanliness. But you knew this. I said it in my roommate ad and everything, and then stressed it to you when we met.
So please, get on track with this shit. We're going to have a talk very soon about some of these issues (I won't bother with 1, 2, 4, 7, and 8). If you could pull your shit together roommate-wise in the very near future, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Fuck you very much,
Green
posted by Green at 4/11/2006 09:55:00 PM
9 Comments:
why cant people be normal?
That being said, I was never a great roomate. Or employee for that matter.
Paper towel stuff would make me strangle her with it, tho.
So glad I never had a strange roommate. I went straight from mom and dad's to living with my boyfriend. I once spent a week-long vacation sharing a place with a couple friends and I went home disgusted. I can't imagine putting up with the habits of anyone I wasn't in love with.
Is her name Abby? Because she sounds really, really familiar.
Ugh. Roommate days. I only had roommates for like four years, but man, do I have stories!
Personally, I don't think you should skip ANY of the items you listed, when you and Steamroller have your little tête-à-tête. They all sound like perfectly reasonable requests/gripes/demands.
Oh - Regardless of who ends up paying for the new pair, I strongly suggest that scissors that were used in the bathroom (the mind boggles, but I'm not going there) not be used again as kitchen scissors. You might inadvertently decide to use them to cut a pita in two, or cut a chicken breast into strips, or who-knows-what, forgetting, um, where they've been.
I have lived with this person. Over, and over, and over. If she doesn't clean, what the f--k does she use all the paper towels for?
You had me at Door Slamming.
I don't understand Door Slammers. Isn't that bad juju to slam doors? I live with three of them. It drives me up a wall.
Ugh.
omg. all of these are the reasons i just presumed you lived alone. i wish you a new, good roomie -- or at least a marked improvement in the one you've got.
jjjjjeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... I only own one pair of scissors. I don't generally cut actual food with them, but they live in my kitchen and have been used in every room in the house including, but not limited to, the bathroom. Last week, I may have trimmed the three pubes I keep around for good measure and yesterday I opened a yogurt tube.
I once had a new roommate move in on the recommendation of a current roommate. We'll call her "Nicole." Nicole walked into the kitchen, looked around and asked, "Where's the dishwasher?" I responded, "We don't have one." She asked, "Well, then how do you get the dishes clean?"
It was all downhill from there.
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