Another One Bites the Dust
(which was my absolute favorite song when I was about four years old)
Recently a friend got upset about how some shit was going down and told me via e-mail that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. My heart sank. This person is one of my favorite SF friends, and I was crushed.
I didn't really have friends growing up. When I was a kid, I was asked by an adult if I knew what a friend was, if I could define the word "friend." I couldn't, beyond "someone who likes you." So the adult ran down a list of signs that let you know if someone is your friend. The list was long, and although I don't recall it anymore, I do recall thinking "Well nobody will ever want to do all that stuff with me. I'm doomed to never have any friends."
It's taken a long time, but I have solid friends here. I'm actually often pleasantly surprised when I realize people like me. So being in San Francisco and having friends is weird. A good weird for sure, but still weird.
When this person said she didn't want to be friends anymore, although I was crushed, I was not surprised. Throughout my life I've had a pattern of people liking me at first, then I fuck up somehow, and then they hate me. Just like every day I walk into work prepared to be fired, I go through life prepared to find out people now hate me. In the past, I always pretty much accepted it when I realized a person was "done with this guy!" But this time I realized I had a choice. I could ... argue my case, if you will. I could fight for the friendship, and to keep the friend. I sat there reading and re-reading the e-mail, and realizing I could just go quietly into the night, or fight for something I valued.
I apologized for my part in why she was upset, and kept talking. The friend ultimately apologized to ME, and we're all good now, swapping snacks at lunchtime and choosing each other first at gym like nothing ever happened.
There's something deeper here, something about fighting for what you value, placing value on things in your life, but I haven't quite sorted all that out yet. Another day, another blog post.
Recently a friend got upset about how some shit was going down and told me via e-mail that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. My heart sank. This person is one of my favorite SF friends, and I was crushed.
I didn't really have friends growing up. When I was a kid, I was asked by an adult if I knew what a friend was, if I could define the word "friend." I couldn't, beyond "someone who likes you." So the adult ran down a list of signs that let you know if someone is your friend. The list was long, and although I don't recall it anymore, I do recall thinking "Well nobody will ever want to do all that stuff with me. I'm doomed to never have any friends."
It's taken a long time, but I have solid friends here. I'm actually often pleasantly surprised when I realize people like me. So being in San Francisco and having friends is weird. A good weird for sure, but still weird.
When this person said she didn't want to be friends anymore, although I was crushed, I was not surprised. Throughout my life I've had a pattern of people liking me at first, then I fuck up somehow, and then they hate me. Just like every day I walk into work prepared to be fired, I go through life prepared to find out people now hate me. In the past, I always pretty much accepted it when I realized a person was "done with this guy!" But this time I realized I had a choice. I could ... argue my case, if you will. I could fight for the friendship, and to keep the friend. I sat there reading and re-reading the e-mail, and realizing I could just go quietly into the night, or fight for something I valued.
I apologized for my part in why she was upset, and kept talking. The friend ultimately apologized to ME, and we're all good now, swapping snacks at lunchtime and choosing each other first at gym like nothing ever happened.
There's something deeper here, something about fighting for what you value, placing value on things in your life, but I haven't quite sorted all that out yet. Another day, another blog post.
posted by Green at 4/05/2006 10:50:00 PM
2 Comments:
Hi, semi new reader.
Why does it have to be that you fucked up for the friendship to end? Why not they screwed up and took you for granted. Doesn't have to be your fault.
Kudos to you for fighting to keep a friendship. Maybe this proves my point that sometimes its the other person that messed up and you just needed to help them realize that. Sometimes friends don't see that in each other.
Funny, isn't it, to realize that some people actually value your opinion of them or your friendship.... For a long time I was shocked any time I heard that a person worried about whether I liked her, approved of her outfit, would laughed at her joke, or would want to accept an invitation. Seriously, I thought everyone else thought I was as dorky and boring as a few mean people had told me I was and in order to have friends I'd have to try extra hard to please people. Unfortunately, that meant I spent too much time in destructive relationships, but I was lucky enough to end up with a few that appreciated me and helped me appreciate myself.
The truth is that everyone has insecurities. Your friend probably just needed to know that you also valued the friendship, that he/she wasn't a disposable friend. Good for you in recognizing a good thing and taking the steps to preserve it.
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