Oy Vey!

Oy Vey!

My Best Response

You know how during the day something will happen, and you won't know what to say? Then at night when you're laying in bed thinking about what happened earlier you'll come up with something absolutely brilliant that you should have said? There is only one time in my life that I can think of when I said the absolute best response that could possibly have been said. To this day if I think of the situation I am proud of what came out of my mouth. It was in ninth grade.

A girl named Kat had just punched me in the face. She'd done it in such a way that one of my teeth got chipped. She was walking behind me, and a whole crowd of kids were walking behind her. Kat pushed me really hard, I turned around, and she punched me. There was a brick column very close to my head and I remember trying to make sure I didn't bang into it. A security guard saw Kat punch me, and less than two seconds after her fist left my face he was pulling us apart and dragging us into the main office in our high school.

We were eventually brought into the Assistant Principal's office and told to sit in front of his desk. He picked up the phone to call our parents.

While he was dialing, Kat asked me if I was okay. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME is what I was thinking in that moment. But being in front of the AP and all, I couldn't exactly say that. What posessed her to ask is beyond me. Maybe she thought it would help her not get suspended. Maybe she was curious as to how much damage she'd done for when she bragged to her friends who'd missed the punch. I don't know. So I settled for turning to her with a "are you fucking kidding me" look written all over my face, and asking "Do you really care?" She thought for a second, then shrugged and said no. In that moment, in a weird way, I actually respected her a tiny bit for admitting that.

Kat wound up being suspended. Because I hadn't punched back, I wasn't suspended. When I got home and told my mother my side of what'd happened, she gave me shit for not thanking Kat for asking if I was okay. My mother is very into niceties and manners and "killing them with kindness" and ignoring people who are mean. My mother's advice never helped me. So I looked at her and said "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

*Years later I worked in the foreclosure department of a law firm, and my coworkers foreclosed and ultimately sold her house on the steps of the courthouse. I never told anyone at work I knew her.

Present Update

In my 100 Things, I mentioned that I'd dropped hints to my brother about wanting a digital camera. Just wanted to let those of you frantically shopping for the perfect birthday present know that I'm definitely getting a camera. I'd hate for you to waste any time.

Please proceed directly to the next item on your Things To Buy Green For Her Birthday list.

Thanks, see ya in a month!

What Do Our Taxes Pay For?

A few months ago, my brother passed out in the middle of the night, and his then-roommate Frankie G called 911. The San Francisco Fire Department came, gave my brother a little oxygen, loaded him up and took him a whopping three (3) miles (and I'm rounding up) to the hospital. The cost of this ambulance ride? $989.00. The amount of this cost that Kaiser will pay? $50.00.

If you know, I'd love to learn why it is that people think Kaiser is so great. And, if you know what exactly our taxes are going towards that they're NOT going towards things like the fire departments, I'd love to know that too.

Gawker

Gawker

Good shit to read when you've been up since 5am and are wondering what's happening on the homefront. Today, I am a little bit homesick.

Once Again, For the Slow People

DO NOT CALL ME AT 7:13 AM!! Somebody better be dying for you to call me that early! Unless you have a diagnosed mental problem or are over the age of 80, "Oh, I forgot/didn't realize" will NOT be accepted when you call before 9 AM!

If you are calling before my alarm has gone off, you are putting yourself on my Shit List. Once you are there, it will take much ass-kissing and many presents to get you off that list.

Consider yourself warned. Let's not have this happen again, shall we people*?

*Mom, this means YOU.

The Illusive Wave Organ

Several months ago, I posted about wanting to explore San Francisco more than I've explored past places I've lived, and someone suggested I check out the Wave Organ, saying it was her favorite place. I promised I would, and that when I did, I'd blog about it. So here we are.

Today my friend, her daughter and I all took the bus to go find the Wave Organ. We didn't know exactly where it was once we got to the beach, so we just started walking around trying to find it. I think after about 15 minutes of walking along the beach my friend and I were ready to have found it already. Turned out we were walking in the opposite direction and had no idea. But there was the surf (and wave surfing) to look at and dozens of happy dogs to pet, so we happily wandered around. I'm glad we did, because the highlight of the afternoon was seeing an older (late 50's?) man decked out in spandex, listening to headphones and doing this little walk/dance/skip routine in big circles that had us laughing so hard I almost peed in my pants. He seemed oblivious to us, and everything around him and I'd love to know what he was listening to on those headphones. I couldn't help but thinks if he dances like this in public, imagine how he dances when nobody's looking...

We finally wandered into a yacht club (I offered to be Miffy if my friend would introduce herself as Biffy or Pinky) where we got directions.

We found the Wave Organ and hung out there playing on the rocks, listening through the pipes, and watching the tide. It was nothing like I thought it would be. I thought the sounds through the pipes would be musical because the place is called "Wave Organ." They were not. It sounded like I was listening to the surf having the worst gastrointestinal problems known to have ever existed. I really liked that it was a quieter area of the beach though; there was a bench that was in the shade overlooking the water, and I could see bringing a book and snack and hanging out there for a few hours to read and think deep thoughts.

Overall, I had a great time, and am glad I went. I'd go back.

(Still accepting suggestions of places to explore - keep 'em coming.)

My Apologies in Advance

I just wanted to apologize in advance, if I get bitchy or spend a lot of time talking about food on here. I'm dieting. Over the last few days I've been trying very hard to not speak to people I like when I'm in a bad mood, but I'm sorry if I didn't realize a hunger-induced bad mood when I was in one and snapped at you.

*Please do not offer me sweets. Thank you.

A PSA of Sorts

A couple of months ago I was at a New Friend's house and she was going to drive me to the train station to get home. Then she leaned over and whispered to me, asking if I would be comfortable with her husband (who I'd just met the day before) driving me there instead. I was, he did, and we had a nice chat on the way and everything was fine.

About a week ago, I was telling a married friend about this and she was surprised. She said it would never occur to her to do what New Friend did, though she saw the logic in it. So I'm posting this in case there are others this would never occur to.

Also, thank you New Friend, for asking me. I was really touched by the gesture. If I ever get married, I will try to remember to ask people if they're comfortable with my husband driving them somewhere just like you did. And, I thought it was cute that you sent me on the train with snacks and a bottle of water, thank you for that as well.

The Nicest Compliment Ever

A friend paid me the sweetest compliment today. It involved the phrase "super thoughtful and generous person who deserves nothing but the best."

I'm touched. I'm moved. I'm a super thoughtful and generous person who deserves nothing but the best!

100 Things

1 My favorite color is the green found in the smallest box of Crayola crayons.
2 My favorite food is yogurt.
3 Despite loving the Farmer’s Market, I don’t like the fancy yogurt they sell there.
4 At one point in my life, I ate three yogurts each day (breakfast, after school snack, and dessert).
5 When I was finished with that phase, I couldn’t eat yogurt for over a year.
6 I am great in extreme situations. Having a heart attack? I’m the random person you want standing next to you.
7 Within the last year I have walked out of a bar to stand outside to cry.
8 I absolutely hate crying in public – the horrible irony is doing it makes me cry harder.
9 If I had known how to get home from that bar or had enough money for a cab I would have just left.
10 I have not ingested any alcohol in over five years and have never been drunk (or buzzed).
11 I broke my leg when I was 2, but for years wished it had been my arm because that seemed cooler.
12 Despite being the least uptight person in my immediate family, I am the most uptight person some people know.
13 For a while, the average of my car accidents was one every year and a half.
14 I am one of the most cautious drivers I know – I drive like a Grandma.
15 My grandma was buried on my father’s birthday a little over 10 years ago.
16 At my grandma’s funeral, I whispered “happy birthday” to my dad’s twin sister – and then got a case of the giggles. I think I was in shock.
17 I feel like the last time I saw my grandmother she was angry at me, though my mother swears up and down she wasn’t.
18 I have another grandma but am not close with her at all – there are 9 other grandchildren she has who she feels closer to.
19 I held off making a 100 Things list because I was worried there wouldn’t be 100 things to say about myself and/or my life.
20 We’ll just see how it goes. I’ve been working on this for over four months.
21 I like to write, though I can’t always force myself to do it well.
22 I am an unsuccessful perfectionist.
23 It has always taken me over an hour to calm down and slow my mind down enough to fall asleep. There is no such thing as a 10 minute power nap in my world.
24 The angrier I get, the quieter I get.
25 When I was in 12th grade, I diagnosed broken bones in someone’s hand. I was right.
26 I failed biology at a community college.
27 My parents criticize me for seeing everything as black or white, but I am starting to realize I get that from them.
28 In their eyes everyone falls into two categories: Perfect or Unacceptable
29 Out of the goodness of their hearts they have delayed putting me into one of those categories (I imagine because since I’m not perfect, they would have to deem me unacceptable, which would make them imperfect).
30 Despite not knowing how to cook many things, I’m quite good at cooking the things I do know how to cook.
31 My right eye is blue on one side and green on the other. My left eye is just blue.
32 I am embarrassed by how messy my handwriting is.
33 Aside from going to the English speaking side of Canada, I have never been out of the country.
34 I love to people watch.
35 Because of that, airplane delays don’t bother me, unless somebody was going to pick me up at the airport.
36 I would rather be physically cold than hot.
37 I have stolen cars.
38 When I talk about it (rarely) I use the word “borrowed” instead of “stolen” because I always returned them.
39 Winter depresses me.
40 I hold people (including myself) to very high (sometimes impossible) standards.
41 I am always disappointed and surprised when they don’t meet those standards.
42 I trust people who are dog people more than I trust people who are cat people.
43 Even if I don’t know whether they have a cat or dog.
44 My second grade teacher used the exact same curriculum for my class as when she’d taught third grade the previous year.
45 Each month we had to do three or four book reports and a diorama or mobile.
46 In second grade my parents did about four book reports and big projects for me while I went to a friend’s birthday party.
47 That’s one of the coolest things they ever did for me.
48 I bend over backwards to see the best in people I believe in.
49 Sometimes I bend so far that I fall over.
50 I’m nicer than I think I am.
51 I have a photographic memory for pictures.
52 I remember what people are wearing and where we were standing when we get in arguments.
53 I can bring this up 15 years after the fact.
54 I will remember every single thing you ever tell me about yourself.
55 Be careful what you tell me – I actually pay attention.
56 I am not a good person to lie to.
57 I am a great listener.
58 I throw a surprisingly beautiful spiral football.
59 I would rather not be complimented than receive an insincere compliment.
60 I have never owned a leather jacket or fur coat.
61 I tend not to like poetry, except in the form of song lyrics.
62 I watch too much television.
63 I *hate* cartoons with passion.
64 I feel brain cells dying when I have seen them.
65 My fifth grade teacher had me suspended because she thought I tried to make her fall out of a second story window.
66 Years later she encouraged me to become a teacher’s aide and then hired me when I became one.
67 In the last five years I haven’t had health insurance more than I’ve had it.
68 I’ve committed insurance fraud for the sake of my health.
69 I prevented someone from being admitted to the Bar.
70 My gut instinct is to jump to the worst conclusions about people.
71 My collection of Bath & Body Works products is a bit outrageous.
72 I worked for them for two years testing potential new products.
73 My father recently had open heart surgery (he’s fine now).
74 While he was in surgery I slept on a bench in the lobby of the hospital for an hour since I hadn’t slept in over 48 hours.
75 I love taking surveys and filling out “How Was Our Service” forms.
76 I hate being bothered by telemarketers. I will never buy whatever they are selling.
77 I am excellent at apologizing when I was wrong.
78 I often forget to say thank you, even though I am always appreciative of anything anyone ever does for me.
79 I am trying to buy more foods from Trader Joe’s than I used to in an effort to eat more healthily.
80 If Trader Joe’s was more easily accessible to me, I would buy even more there.
81 This 100 Things thing is *really* hard.
82 I want a digital camera.
83 I’ve told my brother, and think I might get one.
84 If you want to buy me something else as a present that’s okay too.
85 I love the word “articulate”.
86 When I am by myself and get lost, I tend to cry, but when I’m with someone else it’s an adventure.
87 I am sad that I don’t live closer to a library since I love to read.
88 When I first moved to Florida, I accidentally created a polka dot theme in my bedroom and bathroom, and there are still remnants of it. Like my blanket.
89 I like more fruits than vegetables.
90 My eyesight is horrible.
91 I’m very sensitive about all my weaknesses.
92 My favorite restaurant in SF is The Mandarin and my favorite restaurant in LA is Goldstones (in Malibu).
93 I think Dine About Town is a really cool idea.
94 I drink no soda, no coffee, no tea and no alcohol.
95 Mostly I drink water.
96 No, I am not an alcoholic.
97 I get nervous that I’ll offend people when I go to their homes if I don’t like any of the food they serve.
98 I desperately want people to listen to and understand me, and also emphatically hate when there is concentrated attention on me.
99 My fear of the dentist is shrink-worthy.
100 I spent 12 continuous years in therapy and we never discussed dentists.