I Am Mean

I think it's funny when people fall down. I laugh at them. I will help them up, but it will be while I'm laughing.

Don't even THINK of tripping in front of me.

About to drop something? You'd better turn away from me first.

I am amused to see grown adults running. Not in the jogging* sense, but in the running to get someplace quickly sense. There's something about seeing a person who prides themselves on no longer being a child just going all out and running as fast as their legs will take them.

God forbid you were running, but then tripped and fell? I'd pee in my pants, no doubt about it.

I am amused when people suddenly lose the ability to speak for no apparent reason. I must tease people about this immediately. Usually I say some variation of one of the following:

You just take your time - eventually a whole sentence will come out of your mouth.
You just keep tossing out words - eventually enough of them will convey your thoughts in a way that allow me to respond.

My brother once played a voice mail that a partner of his Big Five Accounting Firm had left for him. In the midst of the partner talking, he all of a sudden made this "Whoaaaaaa!" sound, as if he was slowly losing his balance while on roller skates, but recovered in the last second before his ass would hit the floor. The partner then just CONTINUED SPEAKING as if that had never happened. We were rolling on the floor. I made my brother play that for me 6 times in a row. He wound up saving that message for MONTHS. It's been played for half the people who lived on Long Island in 1999. The other half have heard about it.

I'm a real bitch.

*I don't believe in jogging. Either you're not in a rush, in which case you walk. Or, you need to get there as absolutely fast as your chubby little legs will take you, in which case you run as fast as you possibly can. You run like you're Forrest Gump and Jenny is behind you screaming, "Run, Forrest! RUN!"

But there is just no excuse for jogging. Jogging must be for people who are indecisive about their lives. If you're a jogger, don't tell me when we meet.

My Biggest Fears

When I was a little kid, my two biggest fears about becoming an adult were:

1. Work would be too hard.
2. I wouldn't know how to do my taxes and other paperwork that being an adult requires and I would wind up homeless and/or arrested.

It really scares me to the core when I have days like today, when work really IS too hard. I was given something to do. Not only am I not clear what I am supposed to do exactly, but I'm not sure how to do it.

Clearly, since #1 has come true, #2 is about to happen any day now.

Things I Wish I Could Do/Things I Wish I've Accomplished

THINGS I WISH I COULD DO

Speak other languages - French, Spanish, Hebrew, Yiddush, Italian
Curse in Italian
Learn more easily than I do
Be more delicate in telling people they're assholes
Play the piano
Read music
Navigate
Get angry without getting tears in my eyes
Attract the type of men I am attracted to
Drive stick without having to be re-taught how to do it each time
Keep a job with less effort than I exert now
Memorize (anything/everything I want)
Blow my hair out straight
Understand the appeal of comics and cartoons
Make someone love me so much that when we broke up he said "You just broke my heart"
Dance on pointe
Talk with my mom without feeling my blood pressure go up
Do a front tuck
Play tennis
Trust people
Not feel rage
Not have the urge to do one of the following each time I feel the rage:

1. Hit someone over the head with a frying pan
2. Tell them to "Shove it, and shove it hard" (my new favorite phrase)

THINGS I WISH I'VE ACCOMPLISHED

Bachelor's degree

Traveled outside the U.S.
Choreographed the ballet I've had in my head for 2 years
Won the lottery
Come in first place in any contest that's had more than two people
Name-dropped in an impressive way
Won a political argument
Funded and directed a private school
Convinced someone who was anti-abortion to come over to pro-choice

Help Me Buy a Camera

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to suggest a camera for me. Here's what I want:

One that doesn't involve a lot of bells and whistles.
One that lets me see how the picture will come out before committing to it.
One that I can somehow plug in to my laptop so I can have pictures go from the camera to the laptop and from there, easily to here.

I don't want to spend more than $300. I don't need anything fancy. I can't use anything complicated. To give you a frame of reference, my dishwasher is almost too complicated.

Okay, go forth and suggest things. Providing links for me to make my life easier will win you "good vibes" from me.

If I Had a Million Dollars

I love the live version of the Bare Naked Ladies song. I love playing the "If I Had A Billion Trillion Dollars" game. Here are some of the things I'd do with all my money:

1. Pay off my credit cards.
2. Get in a donating war with Sandra Bullock by donating TWO million dollars to the ARC. http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=380695
3. Pay off my brother's law school loans.
4. Quit my job that I hate.
5. Get my hair blown out straight twice each week. By a hair dresser who doesn't talk to me a lot and who takes no longer than 25 minutes (which, thanks to Dawn Marie in NY, I know IS possible).
6. Have a chef/nutritionist who works closely with my trainer.
7. Hand my father enough money so that he is comfortable retiring.
8. Hire a chef/nutritionist to work with a trainer for my parents.
9. Have a physical therapist, massage therapist and dermatologist all on standby for when I need them. Use liberally.
10. After a year of #6, buy better and better fitting clothing. No more Old Navy Outlet Store clearance racks for this girl!
11. Get a female West Highland White Terrier.
12. Hire a computer/IT/electronic consultant to be on call at all times, who will handle things like helping me get DSL working all the time, helping me purchase a better laptop, a digital camera, etc. And by "help" I mean "do it for me."
13. Hire multiple tutors to teach me all the things I want to learn about but am incapable of teaching myself, like how to speak other languages, play the piano, read music... Field trips will include things like white water rafting, going to China, Germany, the Holocaust Museum in D.C., culinary school (during the baking semester), Carnegie Hall, etc.
14. Travel. Everywhere. With an appropriate interpreter.
15. Train dogs to be rescue dogs and seeing eye dogs.
16. After #14 is complete (I expect it to take no less than two years), go to college and get a bachelor's degree or two or three.
17. Get an MBA.
18. Go to Manhattan and do all the touristy things I've never done, like going to Ellis Island, Broadway shows, Statue of Liberty, etc.
18. Set up more schools for kids with learning disabilities.

And of course, to keep things fun, I would take some friends along for the ride.