I Am Mean
I think it's funny when people fall down. I laugh at them. I will help them up, but it will be while I'm laughing.
Don't even THINK of tripping in front of me.
About to drop something? You'd better turn away from me first.
I am amused to see grown adults running. Not in the jogging* sense, but in the running to get someplace quickly sense. There's something about seeing a person who prides themselves on no longer being a child just going all out and running as fast as their legs will take them.
God forbid you were running, but then tripped and fell? I'd pee in my pants, no doubt about it.
I am amused when people suddenly lose the ability to speak for no apparent reason. I must tease people about this immediately. Usually I say some variation of one of the following:
You just take your time - eventually a whole sentence will come out of your mouth.
You just keep tossing out words - eventually enough of them will convey your thoughts in a way that allow me to respond.
My brother once played a voice mail that a partner of his Big Five Accounting Firm had left for him. In the midst of the partner talking, he all of a sudden made this "Whoaaaaaa!" sound, as if he was slowly losing his balance while on roller skates, but recovered in the last second before his ass would hit the floor. The partner then just CONTINUED SPEAKING as if that had never happened. We were rolling on the floor. I made my brother play that for me 6 times in a row. He wound up saving that message for MONTHS. It's been played for half the people who lived on Long Island in 1999. The other half have heard about it.
I'm a real bitch.
*I don't believe in jogging. Either you're not in a rush, in which case you walk. Or, you need to get there as absolutely fast as your chubby little legs will take you, in which case you run as fast as you possibly can. You run like you're Forrest Gump and Jenny is behind you screaming, "Run, Forrest! RUN!"
But there is just no excuse for jogging. Jogging must be for people who are indecisive about their lives. If you're a jogger, don't tell me when we meet.
Don't even THINK of tripping in front of me.
About to drop something? You'd better turn away from me first.
I am amused to see grown adults running. Not in the jogging* sense, but in the running to get someplace quickly sense. There's something about seeing a person who prides themselves on no longer being a child just going all out and running as fast as their legs will take them.
God forbid you were running, but then tripped and fell? I'd pee in my pants, no doubt about it.
I am amused when people suddenly lose the ability to speak for no apparent reason. I must tease people about this immediately. Usually I say some variation of one of the following:
You just keep tossing out words - eventually enough of them will convey your thoughts in a way that allow me to respond.
My brother once played a voice mail that a partner of his Big Five Accounting Firm had left for him. In the midst of the partner talking, he all of a sudden made this "Whoaaaaaa!" sound, as if he was slowly losing his balance while on roller skates, but recovered in the last second before his ass would hit the floor. The partner then just CONTINUED SPEAKING as if that had never happened. We were rolling on the floor. I made my brother play that for me 6 times in a row. He wound up saving that message for MONTHS. It's been played for half the people who lived on Long Island in 1999. The other half have heard about it.
I'm a real bitch.
*I don't believe in jogging. Either you're not in a rush, in which case you walk. Or, you need to get there as absolutely fast as your chubby little legs will take you, in which case you run as fast as you possibly can. You run like you're Forrest Gump and Jenny is behind you screaming, "Run, Forrest! RUN!"
But there is just no excuse for jogging. Jogging must be for people who are indecisive about their lives. If you're a jogger, don't tell me when we meet.
posted by Green at 1/28/2005 01:38:00 AM
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