I Don't Have a Lisp, But I'd Like One

A lisp is the kind of thing you can fake for a few minutes. Or each time you do a specific thing, like answering the phone. Although there's not much lisping you can do when saying, "Hello." But maybe you work somewhere and have to answer the phone saying, "Hello, so glad you've called Sam's Swing Shop. I'm ready to assist with all your sex questions as they pertain to swings. How may I best assist you this morning?" But yeah, so I love lisps. Lisps and stutters really, but you're so much more likely to find someone with a lisp than a good stutter these days. I guess lisps are more popular.

Anyway, one of the few things I love more than a good lisp is a trip-and-fall story. Many of you know this, and are so kind as to alert me by e-mail when you've found a trip-and-fall online, which I greatly appreciate.

I happen to have excellent balance generally, but every so often even I trip. Just as I would laugh at someone on the street tripping, I will also laugh at my own trips. On Thursday, I tripped. It was extra stupid of me, and here's why:

For the last two days, I've temped in Union Square, and on my lunch hour this past Thursday, wandered into a small clothing shop wedged between a North Face store and an H&M. When you walk into this store, there are about two meters of space, then one step up, then the clothes the store sells. They put a fluorescent orange tape border around the step, which I noticed and appreciated. I stepped up. I walked around, talked to the owner, and laughed quietly to myself at how pretentious he was. When he told me he makes all the clothes in the back, I asked if he was the designer. He answered that he hates the word designer, and when I asked what word he prefers, he said, "Artist and constructionist." Alrighty then.

So I wandered around the store, and to be frank, my jaw dropped. The clothes were fucking amazing. Outrageously expensive (a t-shirt that I could tell would significantly shrink even in a cold water wash cost over $100), but also outrageously creative. They made my brain explode, and I was strolling from rack to rack with a smile on my face. There was an A-line dress in a dark purple velvet, with a white lace underlay on the sleeves, and a big lacey pouf at the front. I can't say it was pretty or my style, but definitely appreciated the creativity of the design. And it wasn't just a store filled with velvet dresses. Everything was super-creative in wildly different ways. It really made me think, and I meandered towards the front door with my brain racing.

I forgot about that damn step and tripped down it, despite that orange tape. Giggled all the way back to work.

Phoebe Prince

So this girl in Massachusetts, a 15 year-old ninth grader, hung herself. Supposedly it was because of relentless bullying. I think we can all agree bullying is terrible. Wrong.

But what defines bullying? If you say anything that's mean is that bullying? So if a girl in the lunchroom asks if her outfit looks good and you say, "No, it makes you look like a fat cow," then have you just bullied her? Lots of people use the "but I was just being honest" stance as an excuse for being mean. If you bully someone, does that make you a bully? I really think all these questions need answers.

I bullied a girl in high school. For about a week. She did something trivially unfair to me, it flipped my rage switch, and I went on the attack. A teacher I liked pulled me aside and told me to cut it out and get ahold of myself. I felt ashamed, and stopped. The following year, after I'd graduated, I went back to the school to visit. The girl had changed, gotten tougher, marched right up and confronted me about what I'd done. I told her she was right, apologized to her sincerely, and she nodded, satisfied. Over a decade later she friended me on Facebook, and one night when she told me another classmate of ours had died in a car accident, I brought it up. Apologized again. She said she couldn't remember that happening. I don't know if she was lying or not, but either way she's clearly moved past it.

Honestly? If she'd killed herself over it, I never would have gotten over it. I remember everything - I remember friends' outfits from second grade, how your sister met her husband, everything. Luckily, she didn't kill herself. Luckily in the above instance, because I'd been bullied in the past, when I got called out on my actions felt guilty to know exactly how horribly I'd been making the girl feel.

An investigative reporter named Emily Bazelon has been writing for Slate about the Phoebe Prince suicide. She doesn't think Phoebe Prince was relentlessly bullied. Not by six kids. The district attorney is going after the six kids full force. Elizabeth Scheibel seems to have a history of being (what I think is) needlessly harsh on teenage defendants. If you know me, you know I'm pretty black and white on breaking the law. Unless you were literally saving a life, breaking the law is always wrong. That's how I feel. It's fair to get in trouble when you break the law. Elizabeth Scheibel seems to think you should get in more trouble than I do for breaking it though.

There's no question Phoebe Prince was what you might call "a troubled girl." She'd tried to commit suicide before, she was a cutter, etc. Girl had problems.

Several years ago, when I'd first moved to San Francisco, I was walking somewhere during my lunch hour when a homeless man made a rude comment to me about my body, the skirt I was wearing. Basically, he called me fat. To be honest I haven't worn a skirt since, so I can't say it didn't affect me. At the time, I don't think I told anyone, didn't cry, or do anything. Except never wear a skirt again. Adults are better at letting cruel comments roll off their backs than teenagers are.

As a kid I thought being an adult would be great, because adults were mature. They wouldn't bully or be cruel for the sake of hurting someone. Oh, how very wrong I was. I was shocked and so disappointed to find out that mean kids often just turn into mean adults.

It seems like at Phoebe's high school bullying was a bigger problem than at other schools. Is Phoebe responsible for all her own actions? Is the school responsible since she knew the kids who bullied her through school? People in this country like to blame. People like things to be somebody's fault. I think it's everyone's fault and nobody's fault, all at the same time. Is Phoebe responsible for deciding to kill herself? Not really, since she was mentally unstable. Are the kids who bullied her responsible for Phoebe killing herself? If you believe that if you aren't part of the solution then you're part of the problem, then yes, to some degree they are. Is the school responsible for not doing enough to protect Phoebe? Emily Bazelon seems to think so. So does Elizabeth Scheibel, the district attorney, which is why she went after the six kids so harshly.

The whole thing is a mess, and sad. Very little happened to the kids who bullied me in public school. Despite the fact that I graduated in 1994, it has stayed with me. I am hyper-aware of when I am not wanted somewhere. Nobody ever wanted to be associated with me in any way, and because of that to this day I am still hesitant to call anyone my friend, lest it embarrass them. Yes, I am a sensitive snowflake.

I definitely think bullying needs to be taken seriously in schools. At the same time, kids need to be reminded that high school is all bullshit. That they can and should move on from it, and I think kids should be encouraged to have a lot of things going on outside of school, in places where they are interacting with peers they get along with. Poor Phoebe Prince. And Poor Phoebe Prince's little sister, who not only has to deal with her parent's separation and moving to a different country, but now also has to deal with her big sister having killed herself.

The Broken Pantsuit

There's a blog devoted strictly to keeping track of Michelle Obama's clothing choices. It's more interesting than you'd think. Partially because the writing is truly good, but also because Michelle Obama has actual style.

There are lots of compliments I could give Hillary Clinton, but her fashion sense is not one of them. You'd think that after spending over a decade in the public eye, Hillary would take some of the feedback she's gotten and change the way she dresses. I totally understand the idea of ignoring things that are said about you. However. If everyone has the same critique maybe it's time to pay attention.

Hillary does not share my stance. Maybe she really digs pantsuits. Maybe she feels very attacked out in the world and views her pantsuits as armor. Maybe a guy she had a huge crush on in 10th grade made fun of her one day when she wore a dress, and ever since then she's hated how she looks in them.

Whatever the reason, Hillary forges on in her new position suited up in her pantsuit. It will be interesting to see if Michelle's style rubs off on Hillary at all. Will Hillary break out of her self-imposed pantsuit prison? My guess is that it won't, but that won't stop me from keeping an eye on the situation in order to report back to you.

Big Thoughts

So there's this thing called the Fat Acceptance Movement. It's kind of interesting, and I waiver in my stance on the subject. To complicate things further, I also wavier on many of the sub-subjects. Like how I will cringe and avert my eyes upon seeing a fat man in a Speedo (Canadians in FL during the winter, eh WideLawns?). But, if we extend that thought process - which is "don't make yourself look extra-unattractive to others" - we will eventually bump into issues like whether gay people should be allowed to kiss in public. Hey, it might offend someone, and make them cringe, right? When I look at it like that, I think "Get over yourself, let people be comfortable."

Last week I wore a skirt to work for the first time in over three years. The skirt hiatus had been due to a cruel comment a guy made to me while I was walking down the street in the Financial District a few months after I moved to San Francisco. Last Tuesday I didn't get any compliments, but I also didn't get any insults either. Which is pretty much how I like things.

I guess it's a very fine line between not beating yourself up for your weight and embracing an aspect of your lifestyle that's unhealthy. Should shame play a part in motivating people to lose weight? I don't know. Maybe, if that's the only thing that inspires them to do it. But who is to decide how that shame should be brought on? What's crossing the line? Isn't it shameful enough to have to buy clothes in a fat-people store? Or in a different section at Macy's and Nordstrom? Maybe Old Navy thinks they're saving fat people the shame of having to buy bigger clothes, and that's why they took their fat people section to online-only.

Also, does society want fat people to stay fat so they keep feeling better about themselves? Your marriage may be in shambles, but hey, at least you don't look like THAT. Is that why it's so hard to find workout clothing for fat people? Huh, Missy Park of Title Nine?

Currently candy is taxed. What if potato chips and cupcakes and ice cream were also taxed? But where does it end? What about the people who eat half a loaf of bread with a huge hunk of cheese to maintain their (over)weight? What if you're buying a cupcake and you're a size six? Or you're planning to split one pint of Ben & Jerry's between seven people? Should pregnant people having ice cream cravings be excused from the tax?

I certainly don't think people should be allowed to sue McDonalds for eating their food and being fat because of that. If you can't figure out for yourself that eating from a fast food restaurant isn't healthy, then … well, unless you actually do have an extra chromosome, you don't want me on the jury when your case goes to trial.

There's a lot to think about on this topic. What are your thoughts? I may have to write about this again.

Fucking Yoga: Anti Boobloaf

Just last week while in downward dog, I was thinking maybe it's time I got a sports bra. As my big-boobied sisters know, it is not easy to find good bras. And when you find them, it's rare they come in colors other than white, off-white, beige, and pale pink.

I looked at Title Nine and Nike and Champion. Apparently they think only small-boobied women work out. Because if you work out, you're thin, and your boobs are somewhat small, I guess.

In my semi-realistic utopia (since in my unrealistic utopia, everyone would already be whatever size they want), at my Yoga For Fatties Class, they would also sell workout clothes for fat people. Including big-boobied sports bras.

Recently I went to a store and asked the saleswoman if they sell sports bras. Here's how well the conversation went:

SW (that's for saleswoman): Can I help you?
GY: Hi, actually, yes. Do you sell sports bras?
SW: What we have are these.
We walk over and both stare at ... the exact type of bra I'm wearing right at that moment (and at this moment right now too) that is most definitely NOT a sports bra.
GY: *blink*blink* Yes, but do you have sports bras?
SW: These are like sports bras....
GY: Okay....
SW: Regular bras have underwire. These don't, so they're just like sports bras.
GY: Thank you; I'll keep looking.

She should be fired. JUST SAY NO!
Now, last night, I went out with my friend Marlo. Ages and ages ago, Marlo suggested a blog, and I read it, and was immediately hooked. This morning, I was thinking about something Marlo said, and it reminded me of that blog. And when I went to that blog, I found Kristy writing all about bras.

Dear Missy Park at Title Nine,
Please make bras for bigger-boobed women than you do now. While the women in your "three barbell" category are bigger than the average model, I do not believe they represent the big boobage I and my big-boobied sisters are dealing with. That way we can work out more comfortably, and eventually will lose enough weight to fit into your clothes.
Thank you,
Green Yogurt, on behalf of the big-boobed women.

Wellie ... No

About a year ago I noticed Wellies, and thought they looked like so much fun to have, that I wanted a pair. Or Two. Or Four. I kept looking around at stores that sold them, trying to figure out which ones to buy. Which ones would make me happiest, yet also go with the majority of my clothes.

Every time I was in a shoestore, I'd go look at their Wellies. Every time it rained, and my no-brand black boots that I've had since I was 17 kept my feet dry, I'd look down at them and think, "Who keeps shoes for a dozen years? These aren't even Docs or anything. It's time I upgrade."

Yet I just kept looking. And looking. And out on the street, when I'd see someone walk by in their Wellies, I'd eye them wistfully. I resisted the urge to stop them and ask. Where did you find those? Are you happy with your choice? Did you buy more than one pair to go with all different outfits?

Then I started paying attention to more than just the Wellies themselves. I noticed how rubbery they are. And how they looked with people's outfits. I realized something. They looked kind of awful. Basically, they only look good with either jeans that are rolled up a little bit (and even that is iffy), or with leggings. I suppose they look alright with skinny jeans tucked in, but how many people actually look good in skinny jeans? Right, like six. And two of them live in New York, three live in Europe, and the last is Ashley Olson.

The main reason I want Wellies is for going to and from work. My work clothes will NOT look right with Wellies. Not even with plain black ones. It's not like I muck stalls. Or go camping. Or fishing. Or spend time in commercials for Irish Spring. I don't even spend time tromping through the English countryside with my dogs on the weekends. In fact, I can only wear jeans on Fridays, and I don't own any leggings. I used to, but then I finished sixth grade.

For the last few weeks it's been raining almost every day. Maybe Mother Nature thought I missed living in Florida (I don't). Anyway, the Wellies are all around me (just like signs*). The other day I realized something. I'm not going to buy Wellies. Not just because I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, but because I'm perfectly content admiring them in stores and on other people's feet, without actually owning any myself.

Think of me next time it's raining, and put on your funky Wellies. If I had a car, I'd honk and wave, but I don't, so I'll just smile quietly instead. You know, as opposed to smiling loudly.

*First person to tell me what that's from wins a prize (not Wellies)!

Write Now

1. I've been up since 4 a.m.
2. I interviewed for a job yesterday and got an e-mail that they want me back for a second interview on Tuesday (which I can't get to, and had to ask for a different day).
3. I'm hoping today will be the day I finally send mail to my mother that's been sitting for a month.
4. I'm excited about dog-sitting for the cutest dog in the world.
5. My feet are ripped up from breaking in new heels yesterday, and though I try to console myself with the fact that they looked really cute, it's not enough to dilute the raw pain.
6. I'm wishing a magical house fairy would make my breakfast.
7. The parade of prospective roommates is tiring, especially when they flake or don't read the details of the ad.
8. I wish strawberries were in season.
9. I am ready for warmer weather.

Levi's Sucks

It's hard to explain exactly what it is, but Levi's? They suck. I have four pairs of their jeans - it's not that the quality of their clothing sucks. Because it doesn't.

There's something about their store. I don't know if it's too big for me, or it's too loud with their music or what.

But the few times I've been there, I get hot and overwhelmed and can't find anything and can't get out of there fast enough.

You might say to shop on their website, but I only do that with companies I know very well, and Levi's changed the way they size their jeans about a year ago, and I haven't been able to acclimate to it yet, and find a style that looks right on me.

That's all.