Turkey is ... well, an odd duck. I mean, no. He's a narcissistic asshole who shows hints of being a sociopath (an honest to goodness, fitting the definition one). It's not like you can't classify that. It's just so unusual, and so different to spend so much time with someone who's terrible traits affect so much of our interactions, that it strikes me as odd. But for a sociopath, he's totally normal. It's just not normal to run across many sociopaths. When you're not a shrink, or in prison, I mean. Anyway, he likes to call from outside the office and when I answer the phone, say, "Guess who!" I am tempted to answer with, "My worst nightmare?" or at least just respond, "John?" when we all know his name is Turkey.

Anyway, he likes to always ask how I am, or how my weekend was. I just say fine or good, because I don't want him knowing any details of my life. It doesn't matter though, since he doesn't actually care about me, or my life. He only asks because the proper response is to ask me. He always gives a pathetically dramatic sigh before telling me how hard things are, how tired he is, how he worked so much. Last week he tried to get sympathy from me by claiming he works 12-14 hours a day sometimes. If you know anything about lawyers you know a 12 hour day is completely average. If you know anything about owning your own business, you know working 12-14 hours in a day is totally reasonable.

On Friday, Turkey was walking across the office, heading out for the weekend when he stopped in front of my desk and said, "This has been the worst week." I kept my eyes on my computer screen and continued typing. Turkey pressed on for attention. "Seriously, this has been the absolute worst week of my entire life!"

ORLY?!?!?! Even worse than the week a couple of months ago when you were the last family member to talk to your mother before she KILLED HERSELF? Nobody died this week. Surely that'd make this a better week than the week your mother committed suicide. Oh wait, that'd only be true if you were psychologically healthy. But you're not.

Turkey is barely capable of having a conversation without offending someone, fishing for compliments (if not flat-out complimenting himself), or fishing for sympathy. Office Manager, WASP and I refuse to give the compliments or sympathy and it really throws Turkey. He does this shocked blink thing that you'd expect to see when someone got verbally slapped across the face.

After a decade of working with Turkey, Office Manager has given her notice. WASP and I are devastated (though happy for OM). Turkey initially was going to do a lunch for OM's ten-year anniversary of working at the firm, but he didn't. He does lunches for employee birthdays, but didn't do one for her. After both WASP and I went to him asking where we were taking Office Manager for her goodbye lunch, he sent her an e-mail (which of course she promptly shared with us) asking her to pick a place. Except he worded it in a way that was offensive, by telling her to pick a restaurant she's always wanted to go to but hasn't been able to afford.

My favorite is when Turkey says offensive things in front of clients. Like the time he had four clients in the conference room, and when I went to give him copies of a document he'd asked for, without looking at me, he held a water pitcher out to me over his shoulder telling me, "This needs re-filling." Turkey didn't even notice his clients' jaws dropping.

Most Mondays we have a staff meeting in the conference room. I'm sure you understand why I sometimes go in there early and lower the chair at the head of the table, and then raise the heights of all the other chairs.