Appreciating What You've Got
I am currently accepting any and all advice (as long as it does not come from Oprah) on how to appreciate and be satisfied with what I have.
The other day I was looking at some Facebook pages and saw a "friend," a girl I went to high school with and was friend with then, a girl I've gone to lunch with since moving to San Francisco, is now married. And she never told me.
This is the second time someone I thought would have at least told me they were getting married, hasn't. And I'm wondering if maybe people think I'm one of those single bitter people. Who thinks all married people are Smug Marrieds, like Bridget Jones. Which I'm not. I don't. I was completely pleasantly surprised to discover I'm totally capable of being happy for other people.
Anyway. So obviously this girl is not my friend, she is simply a girl I used to know. And yes, I know. That's what Facebook is about.
But the thing is. What is the thing? The thing is, I am hurt that a girl I am not friends with did not tell me she got married. I am sad that she does not consider me a friend, because surely you tell your friends when you're getting married, right? I mean, even if you're not inviting a friend to your wedding, you let them know that you've gotten married, right?
It would be sad if I had things like this were happening, but what's bothering me more than this is that there are other people, real friends, who ARE reaching out to me. Who do call when big things happen. When they are buying first houses, when my grandpa has died. These are the people who ARE my friends.
And I do appreciate them. I totally notice and am blown away by every little gesture they make, you make. I even try to reciprocate when I can. When I think of it. When I'm in a position to do it.
But why can't I stop being upset about being left out of things? I mean, when somebody draws a line you have to respect that. In 9th grade I was in this art class and overheard a girl named Christine tell a story one Monday morning. Over the weekend she and some friends had gone to a party, and a senior stood up on a table and yelled that freshman weren't welcome. So she left. She said, "Why would I want to be someplace I'm not wanted?" That stuck with me and made an impact.
I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. Really. But why can't I stop wanting to be wanted by people who don't want me? Why can't I just appreciate the people who do want me? Why can't I be happy with what I have? It's more than I ever thought I'd have. So much more.
The other day I was looking at some Facebook pages and saw a "friend," a girl I went to high school with and was friend with then, a girl I've gone to lunch with since moving to San Francisco, is now married. And she never told me.
This is the second time someone I thought would have at least told me they were getting married, hasn't. And I'm wondering if maybe people think I'm one of those single bitter people. Who thinks all married people are Smug Marrieds, like Bridget Jones. Which I'm not. I don't. I was completely pleasantly surprised to discover I'm totally capable of being happy for other people.
Anyway. So obviously this girl is not my friend, she is simply a girl I used to know. And yes, I know. That's what Facebook is about.
But the thing is. What is the thing? The thing is, I am hurt that a girl I am not friends with did not tell me she got married. I am sad that she does not consider me a friend, because surely you tell your friends when you're getting married, right? I mean, even if you're not inviting a friend to your wedding, you let them know that you've gotten married, right?
It would be sad if I had things like this were happening, but what's bothering me more than this is that there are other people, real friends, who ARE reaching out to me. Who do call when big things happen. When they are buying first houses, when my grandpa has died. These are the people who ARE my friends.
And I do appreciate them. I totally notice and am blown away by every little gesture they make, you make. I even try to reciprocate when I can. When I think of it. When I'm in a position to do it.
But why can't I stop being upset about being left out of things? I mean, when somebody draws a line you have to respect that. In 9th grade I was in this art class and overheard a girl named Christine tell a story one Monday morning. Over the weekend she and some friends had gone to a party, and a senior stood up on a table and yelled that freshman weren't welcome. So she left. She said, "Why would I want to be someplace I'm not wanted?" That stuck with me and made an impact.
I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. Really. But why can't I stop wanting to be wanted by people who don't want me? Why can't I just appreciate the people who do want me? Why can't I be happy with what I have? It's more than I ever thought I'd have. So much more.
Labels: BlogFriends, Facebook, I'm Hurt, Interactive, Overthinking, Personally, Potential Depth
posted by Green at 11/20/2008 10:14:00 PM
8 Comments:
An old comedian - maybe a Marx brother, I'm too lazy to look it up - once said, "I would never join any club that would have me as a member." Or something like that.
On the flip side... I didn't tell a lot of people when I got married OR when I got divorced because I thought no one would care... because I thought someone from my past life wouldn't care either way and I'd end up cluttering their voicemail or email box with silly announcements.
Kind of why I started my blog... so I can write down all that shit and pretend the world cares. :-)
Rough rule of thumb (from the vantage point of the aged) your feelings are about you, others feelings (even if they are ABOUT you) are about THEM.
If you have a sense of good self worth, then if someone doesn't seem to like you, the attitude becomes more one of "What's THEIR problem? Or my favorite, "You don't know me WELL enough to not like me!"
My $.01 anyway (used to be $.02,but the market's down remember)
I hear you. I keep feeling annoyed that these people like me enough (or dislike me little enough) to keep me posted on things that go on in their world in a totally impersonal way, but would never really care enough to move beyond the "saying 'we should go for coffee' but never actually meaning it" stage. we could have been friends but it never happend. is it because i'm so self-centred or because they just weren't that into me?
It took me years to get this, but when I became independant of the good opinion others, I became content in life.
David
Not like this excuses any of that, but I'm more and more convinced that our culture of fast and furious text-messaging and facebooking the like and constantly having our focus challenged by small attention grabbers has de sensitized us to just about everything. Even the big stuff. Like getting married, or having a baby, or even people dying. The media feeds us a whole range of emotions every day from morning til night, so when it's real life all of a sudden, it's all kinda "meh". This is what we've become.
I don't have the answer to your bigger question(s) but with regard to your "friend", maybe she just assumed you knew. Or maybe she thought she'd owe you an explanation as to why she didn't invite you to the wedding, and so just avoided mentioning the details. Or maybe she's knocked up and would just like one less person to explain things to. Who knows.
One thing I can guess is that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. It's hard when Facebook throws curve balls at you like that, but now that you have the info, what do you want to do with it? I would send her a very nice message, a la E. Jean, saying something to the effect of: "I can't believe I am just learning that you got married! Congratulations, my dear! Please share all the wonderful details!"
See how she responds. It could shed some light on the situation and you'll look like the bigger person in the process.
I'm a little late on this, but I could identify with the bride. I am a horribly insecure person (inside - I appear confident to most others), and I wouldn't "bother" old friends with the news that I was getting married, because I would assume that they would laugh and think "Who gives a shit?". This is of course assuming that you are not currently close. I identify with your last paragraph, as well.
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