Outside Looking In
I am not participating in NaBloPoMoNoMo or whatever it's called. Quite frankly, you don't want me to, because I've got nothing to say. I pretty much stay in bed all day, every day, unless I have somewhere to go, which is very rare these days.
The depression thing is a horrible and vicious cycle. You'd like to think you can talk to friends about when you're not doing well, but nobody wants to hang out with someone who's such a downer. Which only makes you feel worse. Plus, most people get together and do things that cost money, which I can't do. Which again, only makes you feel even worse. Even when people offer to pay for you, that's kind of awkward because not only don't you want to feel like a charity case, but you want to reciprocate and can't.
The result of all that is about once every week and a half, I struggle to shower and get dressed and venture out of my house to get to the library. Where I amble down the street wide-eyed at all the people who are not only dressed, but dressed UP, and look like they do it every day, without a major hardship (and a four-hour nap) (before and after). Where I am amazed at how ... outside everything outside seems. The air is sharper, the colors are brighter, the people aren't all inside the television....
Yeah so I'm not writing every day. If I were, all you'd read about is what's going on with the people who ARE willing to talk to me, and what I think about what they've said. And to be honest, the only person who seems willing to talk to me lately is my father, and I think that's only because my grandpa is having major health issues and my father knows how much I care.
However. I am going to try to comment at least once a day on someone's blog. I realized over the weekend (wait, today IS Monday, right? it's so hard to keep track when you have nowhere to go) that often times I go to comment, then see someone already has four or twelve or however many comments and think, "Oh. Well they won't give a shit what I have to say." But in case I'm wrong, and you do, comments will be made.
The depression thing is a horrible and vicious cycle. You'd like to think you can talk to friends about when you're not doing well, but nobody wants to hang out with someone who's such a downer. Which only makes you feel worse. Plus, most people get together and do things that cost money, which I can't do. Which again, only makes you feel even worse. Even when people offer to pay for you, that's kind of awkward because not only don't you want to feel like a charity case, but you want to reciprocate and can't.
The result of all that is about once every week and a half, I struggle to shower and get dressed and venture out of my house to get to the library. Where I amble down the street wide-eyed at all the people who are not only dressed, but dressed UP, and look like they do it every day, without a major hardship (and a four-hour nap) (before and after). Where I am amazed at how ... outside everything outside seems. The air is sharper, the colors are brighter, the people aren't all inside the television....
Yeah so I'm not writing every day. If I were, all you'd read about is what's going on with the people who ARE willing to talk to me, and what I think about what they've said. And to be honest, the only person who seems willing to talk to me lately is my father, and I think that's only because my grandpa is having major health issues and my father knows how much I care.
However. I am going to try to comment at least once a day on someone's blog. I realized over the weekend (wait, today IS Monday, right? it's so hard to keep track when you have nowhere to go) that often times I go to comment, then see someone already has four or twelve or however many comments and think, "Oh. Well they won't give a shit what I have to say." But in case I'm wrong, and you do, comments will be made.
Labels: BlogFriends, I'm Hurt, Overthinking, People watching, Whatcha Readin?, Write Now
posted by Green at 11/03/2008 09:45:00 AM
17 Comments:
This sounds awful, to be honest. I haven't been in a similar situation myself yet, I am just wondering whether there is nothing you could do concerning training (I don't know what: Maybe learn another language, get additional skills, whatever...) or something like that? Maybe this is my German perspective on things and there is nothing like that in CA, but here, the employment authorities will arrange for trainings and such stuff in order for you to get a higher qualification and so on. Is there nothing like that? Staying in bed certainly is not a good idea when you are doing it over a couple of weeks.
I hope you can find your way soon. Depression is an awful thing. You are in my thoughts!
I've been lurking your blog for a while but only recently left a couple of comments.
I hope things get better soon. You have to trust that they will. I struggled with some days like that myself this past year, when I wouldn't step outside of my apartment for DAYS. Sometimes I wouldn't even open the windows. Thankfully, things improved eventually and I figured out what to do, though sometimes it's hard still not to feel like that at times. Being near my family and friends help a lot because they motivate me. I'm praying/wishing that things improve for you, too, and very soon.
Um... hello? Have we met?
I look forward to your comments. If I have one or twenty one, your comments mean much to me.
I read your posts when you get them out there, and feel for you today. I have not been able to work for 14 months now, and do everything I can to fight the feeling of uselessness.
It is not easy some days, but I do what I can. As do you.
Warmest,
David
I wish there was somewhere I could go and find the right words to say. And maybe your friends that don't keep in touch feel the same. Sometimes it is easier to say nothing at all than the fear with saying the wrong thing.
I hope this is something resembling a good thing to say.
Best wishes.
Make yourself do a little somthing to put a smile on your face, go people watching, maybe some one will trip and fall.
I hope you feel better soon...
hey! i love comments, no matter how many. especially thought-provoking ones. do you enjoy comments less when there are more of them on your blog?
are you still walking with a partner?
now that you have time, can you go to some free yoga classes? now that you're poor, can you qualify for free therapy? (i know how much you "love" therapy, but i'm just brainstorming).
it's hard to reach out when i know you are convinced nobody wants to talk with you. also, it's hard to know the right things to say, and you have fairly harsh words for people who say the wrong thing to you. if you want to talk, i want to listen, but i'll stay quiet unless you tell me what you want to hear.
I like your comments.
I'm only an email away.
I hope your grandpa gets better.
You left a comment for me (and you obvs know me well) last night after midnight so you're all set for Monday.
Hey Green,
I love your comments. I love your writing. I care about how you are doing. (((Green)))
I hope you are able to find some lighter spots in all of this soon.
The fog is an awful state of mind, Green. It sucks so badly to be there. I wish there was something I could say or do from afar.
I like Karen S's idea of resurrecting the walking partner gig. A social obligation to get you out of the house, fresh air and exercise - all things I have to absolutely force myself to do when I'm depressed.
Hang in there, lover of things Green. We're rooting for you.
Hi Green. I tried to post this yesterday, but it disappeared into the ether when I hit "publish." Maybe I should take a hint that it wasn't meant to be, but instead, I'm trying again, possibly not as concisely and eloquently as yesterday...
I never quite know what to say, and don't want to say the wrong thing, so please take the following in the spirit in which it is intended: as words of encouragement from a longtime reader who thinks of you sort of like a friend I haven't met yet. I hope that's not creepy since you don't know me from Adam...
Based on your prior posts, I am guessing part of your depression is related to the job search. It can really be hard on a person's self-esteem.
Here are some things I know from reading your blog: You are very bright and you write well, with good grammar and spelling and style. You are ethical and conscientious. Despite your learning disability (which I would never have suspected if you hadn't blogged about it), you seem to have the ability to catch onto most things well and to distill important things down to an understandable essence. You appear to have a good portion of common sense (something many people lack entirely) and a good sense of humor. All of these things are great attributes in the workplace, and especially in law firms. I would hire you if you lived here and if I were looking to hire someone.
Here is what I know about the legal job market right now: In general it sucks. Many law firms are laying off attorneys and staff left and right due to a decline in business caused by the bankruptcy or slow business of many of their clients. So your difficulty in finding a job is not a reflection of you or your skills or qualifications or inherent "value" as an employee. It is a reflection of this awful economy and difficult legal job market.
But bankruptcy filings are up (both consumer and business), and probably are about to go way higher due to the mortgage and credit crisis, which is affecting both individuals and companies. And foreclosures are also way up. So law firms that handle bankruptcies and foreclosures are probably hiring, or will be soon. And when the economy starts to rebound (which will happen eventually), firms that do a lot of real estate deals will be hiring, too, as a lot of foreclosed properties begin to be sold.
Even if you lack experience in bankruptcy, foreclosures, or real estate, you might want to try applying to some law firms that handle these types of cases (if you think you could stand the work, anyway). It is easy enough to train someone to "do" bankruptcy or foreclosure work; it is much harder to find bright, articulate, ethical and conscientious employees with common sense, good grammar and writing skills, and a good sense of humor.
Highlight your attributes (you have many) and don't let your lack of experience in a particular area hold you back from applying. Be honest in the interview about your lack of experience in a particular area, but be enthusiastic about your ability to learn just about anything, and the corresponding benefits your employer will get in terms of loyalty and solid work. You will probably get a large percentage of rejections, but eventually someone will recognize the value you offer.
Or maybe you want to think about a career change? I personally am thinking that if enough people file bankruptcy and lose their cars, the increased demand for bus drivers may send salaries high enough to tempt me back to that field.... Or, alternatively, if enough of my clients keep not being able to pay their bills, the fact that bus driving actually pays a salary may tempt me back to that field....
You've probably already thought of these things. I hope I haven't insulted your intelligence by saying them. But just in case you hadn't thought of them through the depression fog, I thought I'd throw it out there for consideration.
But the main thing I want to say is, hang in there. I'm sending good thoughts your way, and hoping for good things to happen for you soon.
I just wanted to say that i appreciate every comment and I think most people do too. Hang in there. I hope things get better for you very soon,
Hey, hang in there. If you ever feel the urge to go out and just even walk around the block or to talk to someone, please feel free to reach out. I know you don't know me, but we're in the same city. I can't offer any advice, but I can listen...
Hi, just read your 10/17 post. I don't have to listen either. = )
Yeah, I'm feeling pretty crappy that I haven't been around.
But...I'm here. I'm a pretty good phone listener. I loved talking to you in person.
Anyway, I'm sorry you've been depressed. I wish I could do something to help make it better.
I know this was two years ago, and I hope that you aren't feeling so bad these days. Although, being depressed myself, I know that it can come and go and you can be happy as a clam about some things and still feel depressed.
I know that I appreciate comments on my blog. I can count how many I've received on my fingers and maybe one foot... That really blows. Comments make me smile, they make me feel like someone is getting me.
I know i'm not the greatest writer... maybe if I were a better writer, people would feel more "moved" to comment.
I also hope that your grandpa is ok. Still reading from the back forward and knowing this is two years old, keeping my fingers crossed.
Also, I tweeted you this morning and asked How you were. I meant that. How are you today?
I'm stressed, but ok. Looking forward to having something for dinner tonight that includes beef.
Char
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