I've Banged Into This Before

Some people are really good at solving problems. Some people are really good only at solving problems that don't involve people, like how to make furniture look good in any room, or how to cook lasagna when there's no meat. Some people are really good at solving other people's problems. I'm one of those people.

I can listen to your problem, think about it (or not), and then just know, THIS is how it can be solved. To a small degree this can be transferred to myself, but other people are much easier. People sometimes get excited about solving other people's problems. If you're good at it, it comes naturally, and it's fun. It's very little effort, and for someone who is not successful at many things, it's outrageously rewarding to see someone else's face light up, or to see tons of worry lift from their face.

So I get it. I get the urge to swoop in and fix someone else's life. I've been on the other side of this too, where other people want to swoop in and fix MY life. Which is why I understand how annoying a Swooper can be, and I try not to offer solutions unless someone is open to hearing them.

The problem with swooping in unwanted is that usually you are missing some key pieces of information. Pieces of information that would make that solution ... well, not a viable solution. Like to say to someone who makes the best cupcakes you've ever tasted, "Hey! You should get a bus! That has an OVEN! And you should go around the country making your cupcakes in the bus and selling them! Like an ice cream truck!"

Ignoring the fact that the cupcake-maker doesn't like driving. And doesn't have enough money to buy a truck. And only likes to bake late at night. And has a family. Maybe it's a fun fantasy, maybe the cupcake-maker even gets swept away in your excitement and designs the outside of the bus and comes up with a cute company name. But the reality is that this is not a good idea for this person.

Some problem solvers (and yes, I realize this was more of an idea and less of a problem to be solved, but the two go together) do not want to hear why their ideas will not work. They get angry. "You're just coming up with excuses!" "You don't really care about what you complaining of two seconds ago!" "You're not truly interested in your life changing at all!"

And then you never speak again. Or you do, but the relationship is forever strained. Which is why I try to be careful about how and when I give unsolicited problem-solving advice. I've had people get angry at me for not taking their advice. Often their advice would work for THEM if THEY were in my situation. But it doesn't work for me in my situation. Some times what they suggest to solve your problem is actually a way to solve their problem they haven't even told you about. Sneaky little problem-solver. Yes, I've had that one happen to me too.

I fear I may have a problem-solver quasi-stalking me. I fear I may have brought it upon myself. And now I don't like the road I see us going down, and see this ending badly. Which is a problem, as we're related.

While in New York for my grandpa's funeral, a cousin was staying at the same hotel as my family. We got to talking, and her son is at a school for learning disabled kids. We got to talking some more, and she gave me some potentially very helpful advice about dealing with my own learning disabilities. Which cost a lot of money. Which you may know I do not have now. She is very well off. I have noticed that most people who are very financially secure have a hard time understanding that other people may not be.

Once in a bank in Florida, I went to ask if they would waive the fee they were charging me for not having a minimum amount of money in my account. The bank manager came to talk to me. "Well, can't you just move money in from another account," she asked me. "No. This is all my money." I left the bank with four bank rulers and three bank calendars and the fee waived for six months. (Bank of America, in case you're wondering.) (Yes, I now have an account with them that has no minimum balance.)

I was very appreciative of this cousin's advice for me. I tried to make it clear, without telling her my current pathetic situation, that these are things I will pursue when I am in a more stable place in my life. She even reiterated that waiting until I have health insurance is a good idea.

However. This cousin is, as my friend would say, a little cuckcoopants. It seems now she feels free to comment and assess my entire life. This is not helpful. I do not need this. There is no good to come of you telling me that being a legal secretary is not the right field for me. It's all I know, all I've got experience in, all I'm qualified to do. It's not that I'm scared to do something else, because I don't get that type of fear. It's that aside from being a garbage man, I can't get a job doing anything else that will earn me as much money.

I hate ... well, to be honest I hate keeping my mouth shut. I must admit that there have been times when I've said "Can I say something about this?" to Golden Boy and Crazy Girl, and Crazy Girl has laughed as she's asked, "Can I stop you?" But I also hate having others critique my life, and feeling like I can't defend it, or myself, because in some way they are in a position of power, for whatever reason. Which this cousin is, you will just have to trust me.

Right now we are in the stage where she feels free to critique my life. This does not please me. This does not help me. The info about learning disabilities? Totally going to be helpful in the future. The other stuff? Not so much.