Embarrassed
When I was in 7th grade, I got hurt at school one day. Nothing exciting - I twisted my ankle or something trivial like that. But towards the end of hebrew school that same day I got told my dad was waiting in the lobby to take me home. The teacher, knowing I was a loser with no friends, asked me if there was someone I wanted to have help me to the lobby. I shook my head no without meeting her eyes, not wanting to toss out a name, and have the rest of the class laugh at that person's misfortune at having to deal with me, having to touch my things.
My face burned with shame as she asked a nice, nerdy boy to help me with my books to the lobby. I mumbled a "thank you" to him as he handed my books to my father, knowing he couldn't wait to get away from me.
Today I had a lot of boxes to take home from work, for my move. So many boxes, that I needed help. I asked two people if they could help me down to the lobby, so I could get a cab. Two people, both roughly my age. Both begged off, claiming they had plans. Maybe they did. The Weather Grandma and her husband drove me home. Weather Husband even helped me carry the boxes up to my front door. I thanked them profusely numerous times.
Over twenty years ago, at a family friend's house my brother got embarrassed for saying, "Yes please, thank you" when the husband/dad/guy asked if he wanted eggs. My brother felt like he'd been too nice. My mother said there's no such thing; you can never be too nice.
After I got all the boxes inside my apartment, I was embarrassed at how many times I thanked the Weathers. More than that, I'm mad at myself that despite all my effort, I'm still 12, and nobody wants to deal with me any more than they have to. All these years I have been pushing so hard, and still, the piano is at the bottom of the hill, and I don't even have defined muscles to show for it.
My face burned with shame as she asked a nice, nerdy boy to help me with my books to the lobby. I mumbled a "thank you" to him as he handed my books to my father, knowing he couldn't wait to get away from me.
Today I had a lot of boxes to take home from work, for my move. So many boxes, that I needed help. I asked two people if they could help me down to the lobby, so I could get a cab. Two people, both roughly my age. Both begged off, claiming they had plans. Maybe they did. The Weather Grandma and her husband drove me home. Weather Husband even helped me carry the boxes up to my front door. I thanked them profusely numerous times.
Over twenty years ago, at a family friend's house my brother got embarrassed for saying, "Yes please, thank you" when the husband/dad/guy asked if he wanted eggs. My brother felt like he'd been too nice. My mother said there's no such thing; you can never be too nice.
After I got all the boxes inside my apartment, I was embarrassed at how many times I thanked the Weathers. More than that, I'm mad at myself that despite all my effort, I'm still 12, and nobody wants to deal with me any more than they have to. All these years I have been pushing so hard, and still, the piano is at the bottom of the hill, and I don't even have defined muscles to show for it.
posted by Green at 1/11/2007 10:27:00 PM
3 Comments:
Did you also have a PE teacher who would randomly pick captains to choose teams? Then when you got picked, you just knew all the good players and popular kids were groaning at the thought of being on your team. That's worse than being picked last, I think.
In 7th grade, I arrived at school only to find that I had stepped in road oil or something. Rather than send me home to change or let me wear them and stain the new carpeting, they made me wear a popular girl's basketball practice sneakers. They were two sizes too big, filthy and stank a little. Halfway through the day I wanted to cry, not because I was the dork who ruined the new carpet and had to wear someone else's too big shoes, but because I realized that her old back-up sneakers were cooler than any shoes I'd ever owned.
Sad how those thing stick with a person well into adulthood.
And at 27, I'm writing "where" instead of "wear." Dumbass.
Unfortunately...I know exactly how you feel. I work in Kansas City, but live in a small town in eastern Kansas, near Kansas City. If your family isn't there for generations, you're pretty much nobody. I went to school there from K-12 and it was always the same kids, so it never changed. Its something you never really forget, you take that with you to adulthood. I pray that it is different for my daughter, but I doubt it will be. She already tells me how much she hates going to preschool because of the other kids. I have to coax her into getting dressed and putting on her little backpack three days a week. Its awful Kids can be so cruel. Then they grow into adults. And don't change much.
On the upside...I think I'm a better person than that. I help people out to their cars at work. I give people rides without thinking twice. I make myself late to work to take a neighbor to the hospital for surgery, because no one else can or will. Sometimes I hope that because *I* treat people the way I hope to be treated, maybe I will receive that help in return when I need it.
awww honey, I would have been honored to help you carry your boxes if I'd been there.
Good luck with the move. Moving is stressful (at least for me) but I think you are going to be really happy in your new place. It sounds great.
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