Douchebag **

Arrived at work, and realized three new people were starting. Two lateral attorneys (who only graduated two years ago, so they're practically baby attorneys) and the secretary taking over for Drunk Granny. There was a lot of noise and hyper shit going on.

You'd think what with my constant early morning waking up I'd be a morning person, but I'm not. I don't talk in the mornings. I can't be chipper and pleasant in the mornings. LEL is a morning person. The file clerk I can't stand is a morning person. Everything was WAY too loud. You may think I'm being over-sensitive and should just suck it up, but:

A. This is my blog and where I go to complain, and
B. LEL is SO loud that if you were in Penn Station near the LIRR board that says what tracks the trains are leaving from, and she were buying tickets, you could hear her voice even if it were rush hour. Okay, now for the SF people: LEL is SO loud that if you were standing in the middle of the actual square in Union Square and LEL was standing outside of Macy's talking, if it weren't for all the foliage, you'd be able to hear her voice even with all the tourists. Okay, my two Boston readers - LEL is SO loud that if you were standing at the Gap on one Comm Ave. corner and LEL were at the next Gap over, you'd be able to hear her. In case anyone from LA is... oh fuck it. She's loud, okay? Just accept it.

Not only did we have all these new people to fuss over, but there was the potluck. Luckily I remembered to bring my pumpkin bread to work. As a member of the Social Committee (I still haven't gotten over the irony of my being a member), it was up to me to encourage people to sign up either to bring food or give money. My idea of doing this was to walk up to people and say, "Hey, are you participating in the potluck on Monday?" They usually gave me a blank stare, at which point I reminded them of the e-mail they'd gotten and would ask if they'd like to give in money or bring food they could either buy or make. If the person said they couldn't participate, I said, "Okay, maybe next year" or "Okay, but if you find yourself free at lunch time, come to the conference room because you can always give money at the door." There was no hard sell. There was no guilt-tripping involved. I don't want people to see me coming and duck in an effort to avoid me.

Apparently not all members of the social committee shared my sentiment about recruiting people for the potluck. People were supposed to be able to bring in whatever they wanted. If you want to cook chicken kiev for 50, who are we to stand in your way? If you want to bring in a bottle of chocolate syrup, that's fine - someone will find a use for it. But it came to my attention that other SC members were TELLING some people what they had to bring. "You! You'll cook rice for 100!" That's bullshit. Not only because they said that to one of the poorest people working at the firm, but because the whole point is that everyone brings what they want.

I was upset on behalf of the people pushed into bringing specific things, and embarrassed to be a member of a committee that had other members walking around with a sheet listing everyone who'd given money, pushing more people to give. Granted, the majority of these people are attorneys, and you'd think attorneys can't be talking into things if they don't want to be. But still. It's the principle.

Now let's talk about the potluck. I hate shit like this. Not only because I know some of the grandmas who cooked things don't wash their hands after using the bathroom, but some of them have what I consider unhealthy relationships with their cats, and I imagine them letting the cats walk on kitchen counters, shedding into the food. Also, I hate big groups. Introvert is my middle name.

But people always say that I should go to these things, they'll be fun, I'll have a nice time, I should try a new food, etc. You know what? These people do not know me, and they should shut the fuck up because they are wrong.

To be fair, I did wind up sandwiched in line between LEL and the loud file clerk. Someone I liked was two people ahead of me, and I asked her what something was. The loud file clerk launched into this (loud) speech about how I (and I don't think she meant me specifically, but people in general, and just had no idea how ridiculous her advice was when applied to me) need to try new things, and just explore and I can't go through life always being careful, etc. Had she not been so loud, I'd have totally tuned her out.

I took a bit of rice (since it looked plain) and a bit of turkey (since I could identify it). I sat down at a table, and tasted the turkey. It was dry. It was disgusting. It was like thick deli turkey meat. That was dry. Rice was just fine (and I know who cooked it). When Loud File Clerk sat down at my table, I got up and left. I was in there for just under five minutes.

Yesterday I e-mailed with someone who talked about her karma being on auto-pilot. As I was thinking about that, I looked down the hallway at the Head Secretary training the new secretary. I walked over and asked Head (HEAD! MOVE!*) if I could bring her a drink. Her jaw dropped, so I explained that I remember training people and how my throat would always be hoarse at the end of the day from talking so much. She wanted water with lemon, and the new secretary wanted ice water (I think we're going to be friends).

It wasn't until I got to the kitchen that I realized I wouldn't be able to carry their drinks and mine all at the same time without spilling anything, but another attorney walked in and was willing to help me carry everything out. I'll never be a waitress...

*First one to name the movie gets a prize.
**I chose this title because I heard a guy greet another guy this way and my first thought was "That's such an ugly thing to be saying out in public, especially in a business district by a guy dressed in a suit" and my second thought was "Eh, it's a douchebag kind of day."