State of My Blog Address
This is difficult to write. Actually, to be honest, ever since my blog exploded (which is how I think of when my family - CG is included in 'family' here - found out), it's been very difficult to write. For one thing, it's been difficult to continue doing something that I know hurt people I love and care about. For another, it's difficult for me to write without something about someone in my family slipping in. Quite simply, they're just such an integral part of who I am, and how I came to be, that they come up a lot in my thoughts.
It bothers me that I've felt like my writing has sucked for the last month or so. Excuse me while I blog about how much my blogging sucks lately? Yeah... no.
Another difficulty is that after fumbling around a little bit when I first started blogging, I figured out the purpose of my blog and was blogging like a woman with a purpose. The goal was to get over shit that had happened to me growing up before I turned 30. Because I don't want to be like that guy I mentioned previously, who at almost 40 had spent more time not living with his parents than living with them, yet still blamed them for every single thing in his life that wasn't perfect. That seemed like a both miserable and unfair way to be. But now I can't write about family stuff (a promise I made to them), and I feel stuck.
Feeling stuck leads me to feeling frustrated, which leads me to feeling angry, which leads me to feeling guilty. I am continuously amazed at the power of Jewish Guilt. Please let's not rehash the whole "GY, it's your life, and your blog, and you can write about whatever you want" thing, because it's not ONLY my life I was writing about. Are my "rights" more important than the feelings of people I love? And let's also not bother with the "But it's anonymous - nobody knows who you or they are" thing either, because it kind of doesn't matter. As it was pointed out to me, it's not anonymous (to a certain degree) once people who know you find it, which is exactly what happened. Also, my right isn't the only thing that matters. What also matters is that I hurt people I care about, and I'm trying to not do that anymore. I have not worked out the "But not hurting them is hurting you" issue yet. How do you look someone you purport to love and care about in the eye and say, "My wants and needs are more important to me than your feelings. If you have a problem with me fulfilling what I believe are my wants and needs, then you'll have to get over that" when that person tried to put you before them for years?
Some might say, "If you have something to say, why not just say it to your family directly?" The answer is "Because I don't need them to hear it, I just need to get it out of me." You see, I don't need to make my family feel like shit about things that went down over a decade ago. I already felt like shit when they happened, and I imagine the other people involved also did. No need for anyone to feel that way again. There's no point in calling someone up just to say "Hey. Remember when you [insert random bad thing here that made enough of an impression on me that I'm thinking of it now]? Yeah, well, even if you don't remember, I do. And it really hurt me." I don't need an apology. I don't need an explanation. We all did things we regret, and can't quite justify. We all did things we thought were best in the moment. I certainly don't want to make other people feel badly for shit they did years and years ago. I just need to get it out of me. This (blogging) was my way of letting go of the past. I wish I could be like people who just accept that what happened yesterday is over. This is the only way I've found it can be over for me - if I go over things again, now that I have distance and the wisdom I do now.
I'm really sad about abandoning my goal of being over things before turning 30. I wish I weren't, but I can't think of any other way to get over it. So I'm feeling stuck.
So. To address some things that have been asked, both in the comments and in person:
Yes, I'm going to try to keep blogging. I can't promise I'll do a good job of it, but ... you're not paying me. I don't know what direction my blog will take now. Perhaps I'll just blog-stalk Pat Stack . We'll see.
Thank you for asking how my relationship with my family is going. It's being worked on, and that's all I'll say about it on the blog.
Thank you for asking about my family's health. In respecting their privacy, I will no longer discuss that here. I appreciate the concern, I welcome any and all "healthy vibes" you feel inspired to send their way, but I can't blog about it. I will however feel free to tell you that my cold/flu thing seems to be getting better, and at last count, I only infected one person.
I don't have some other secret blog. I'm too busy agreeing with props given to oatmeal to be writing a second, secret blog.
Password-protecting - a lot of people have asked me about this. As in, why not password protect the blog, and then your family won't be able to read it. Trust me, I'm absolutely a terrible enough person that I wholeheartedly considered doing that, only to reject it. I think password-protecting is really more for people trying to use a blog as their company's intranet, and families trying to stay in touch with other family members living far away who don't want random strangers seeing pictures of Haileigh riding her very first tricycle. My blog goes in the exact opposite direction, which leads us to ...
Why don't you turn off the comments? Some people have suggested that the most hurtful thing to my family must be comments from strangers disagreeing with them, and that perhaps I should turn off the comments. I'm not going to do that. I delete spam comments, accidental double comments (just the second one), and once, a comment when somebody screwed up and included his real name (he asked me to). The comments are for me. I value and welcome the comments, even yours Steve, because you make me laugh sometimes. I grew up in such a small world, with so few people in it, with the people in it so focused on presenting a united front, that I really only had two sides of things to consider: my gut instinct, and what all the important, influential adults were telling me. Quite frankly, I think I need a more expanded view these days. And although I have more friends now than I ever had before in my life, this is a way for me to get exposed to even more people who may not have grown up with the same morals/views/ways of looking at things as I did. I haven't always thought about why I do things the way I do - sometimes it's just habit. I don't always agree when someone tells me my habits are wrong. But I welcome considering different things I haven't already thought of.
So that's where I'm at.
It bothers me that I've felt like my writing has sucked for the last month or so. Excuse me while I blog about how much my blogging sucks lately? Yeah... no.
Another difficulty is that after fumbling around a little bit when I first started blogging, I figured out the purpose of my blog and was blogging like a woman with a purpose. The goal was to get over shit that had happened to me growing up before I turned 30. Because I don't want to be like that guy I mentioned previously, who at almost 40 had spent more time not living with his parents than living with them, yet still blamed them for every single thing in his life that wasn't perfect. That seemed like a both miserable and unfair way to be. But now I can't write about family stuff (a promise I made to them), and I feel stuck.
Feeling stuck leads me to feeling frustrated, which leads me to feeling angry, which leads me to feeling guilty. I am continuously amazed at the power of Jewish Guilt. Please let's not rehash the whole "GY, it's your life, and your blog, and you can write about whatever you want" thing, because it's not ONLY my life I was writing about. Are my "rights" more important than the feelings of people I love? And let's also not bother with the "But it's anonymous - nobody knows who you or they are" thing either, because it kind of doesn't matter. As it was pointed out to me, it's not anonymous (to a certain degree) once people who know you find it, which is exactly what happened. Also, my right isn't the only thing that matters. What also matters is that I hurt people I care about, and I'm trying to not do that anymore. I have not worked out the "But not hurting them is hurting you" issue yet. How do you look someone you purport to love and care about in the eye and say, "My wants and needs are more important to me than your feelings. If you have a problem with me fulfilling what I believe are my wants and needs, then you'll have to get over that" when that person tried to put you before them for years?
Some might say, "If you have something to say, why not just say it to your family directly?" The answer is "Because I don't need them to hear it, I just need to get it out of me." You see, I don't need to make my family feel like shit about things that went down over a decade ago. I already felt like shit when they happened, and I imagine the other people involved also did. No need for anyone to feel that way again. There's no point in calling someone up just to say "Hey. Remember when you [insert random bad thing here that made enough of an impression on me that I'm thinking of it now]? Yeah, well, even if you don't remember, I do. And it really hurt me." I don't need an apology. I don't need an explanation. We all did things we regret, and can't quite justify. We all did things we thought were best in the moment. I certainly don't want to make other people feel badly for shit they did years and years ago. I just need to get it out of me. This (blogging) was my way of letting go of the past. I wish I could be like people who just accept that what happened yesterday is over. This is the only way I've found it can be over for me - if I go over things again, now that I have distance and the wisdom I do now.
I'm really sad about abandoning my goal of being over things before turning 30. I wish I weren't, but I can't think of any other way to get over it. So I'm feeling stuck.
So. To address some things that have been asked, both in the comments and in person:
Yes, I'm going to try to keep blogging. I can't promise I'll do a good job of it, but ... you're not paying me. I don't know what direction my blog will take now. Perhaps I'll just blog-stalk Pat Stack . We'll see.
Thank you for asking how my relationship with my family is going. It's being worked on, and that's all I'll say about it on the blog.
Thank you for asking about my family's health. In respecting their privacy, I will no longer discuss that here. I appreciate the concern, I welcome any and all "healthy vibes" you feel inspired to send their way, but I can't blog about it. I will however feel free to tell you that my cold/flu thing seems to be getting better, and at last count, I only infected one person.
I don't have some other secret blog. I'm too busy agreeing with props given to oatmeal to be writing a second, secret blog.
Password-protecting - a lot of people have asked me about this. As in, why not password protect the blog, and then your family won't be able to read it. Trust me, I'm absolutely a terrible enough person that I wholeheartedly considered doing that, only to reject it. I think password-protecting is really more for people trying to use a blog as their company's intranet, and families trying to stay in touch with other family members living far away who don't want random strangers seeing pictures of Haileigh riding her very first tricycle. My blog goes in the exact opposite direction, which leads us to ...
Why don't you turn off the comments? Some people have suggested that the most hurtful thing to my family must be comments from strangers disagreeing with them, and that perhaps I should turn off the comments. I'm not going to do that. I delete spam comments, accidental double comments (just the second one), and once, a comment when somebody screwed up and included his real name (he asked me to). The comments are for me. I value and welcome the comments, even yours Steve, because you make me laugh sometimes. I grew up in such a small world, with so few people in it, with the people in it so focused on presenting a united front, that I really only had two sides of things to consider: my gut instinct, and what all the important, influential adults were telling me. Quite frankly, I think I need a more expanded view these days. And although I have more friends now than I ever had before in my life, this is a way for me to get exposed to even more people who may not have grown up with the same morals/views/ways of looking at things as I did. I haven't always thought about why I do things the way I do - sometimes it's just habit. I don't always agree when someone tells me my habits are wrong. But I welcome considering different things I haven't already thought of.
So that's where I'm at.
posted by Green at 3/25/2006 07:21:00 AM
9 Comments:
It gets better with age.
Thanks for the mention! I'm going to a funeral today for a step brother whose obituary mentioned all his pets names (including 3 fish) but no reference to me. I actually would not have wanted to be acknowledged except that "FISH"!
I'm glad if I was able to tickle your funny bone abit.
Good luck. I don't suppose you could make me an adopted uncle and take things out on me?
Remember Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
I know exactly what you mean. I am incredibly angry with things my mom did through my childhood/young adulthood, but what good would it do to mention them to her? Then both of us would feel like crap. She certainly can't change any of it now, and apologies... wouldn't help.
Good luck sorting things through - I am (almost) always at your disposal should you want to chat! You know what they say "you can pick your friends but you cant pick your family". Maybe you and I should think about Steve's suggestion above, and make a surrogate family out of friends?!?
Additional thoughts (while channeling Oprah)
"Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself."
and as an addition to above "You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you probably can't pick your friend's nose or your family"
Seriously, (That's why this is a separate post)
I had a shitty (insane) father. My stepfather was a great father figure, but he had four kids of his own that he was a crappy father to.
My wife had an insane mother, but my mother has been a wonderful mother figure to her.
I've done a little genealogical research to see where this dysfunction may have started. It's helped a little, but it still comes down to forgiveness and letting go.
Good luck.
Steve
Hiya Greeno,
I liked reading this. Loved, actuually but don't want to come off TOO creepy. I like where you are going...
I love that you are not afraid to ask questions. It's pretty much my favorite thing about you. =)
My family is much the same way as you've described, so I feel like I have a small idea of what you are going through with them.
What you are talking about is basically the tension writers and artists feel between needing to be honest in order to have the work be good and also healing, and needing to be secretive to protect family members.
I can understand all of what you've said. But I will say that, first, the things you've written about your family are really no big deal - hundreds of other bloggers, my many friends on various online bulletin boards, published authors, etc., say the same things every day - or, they say far worse things. Your family is simply embarrassed and hurt that you've written about them at their worst (and also their best, by the way) and that other people can read these things, even if they have no clue as to whom they are reading about.
I have to wonder if they would feel the same way if they you had confided in a friend about these issues with them. My guess is that it would bother them less, but it would still bother them. (In my case, it would bother my family.)
Anyway - if your purpose in blogging is to heal by writing it all out, then you don't need to blog to do it. You can get the same effect from writing in a journal. If your purpose in blogging is to write, then at some point you are going to need to be honest. You don't have to write that it was your mother who said something - it can be a friend's mother, it can be a teacher in third grade - but my guess is that your family doesn't want the info out there at all b/c they don't want to be criticized.
Another option to consider is that you could just tell them you are continuing to blog about what's important to you, even if that means them. They haven't had much time to digest the blog. It's entirely possible that it's something they will get over, given that time.
All of this is easy for me to say as I'm not in your situation.
Oh, and one more thing - whatever you decide to do now isn't necessarily the final note. You - and they - may have different perspectives on all of this as time goes on.
Ah, I usually have trouble believing that anything I say really affects anyone, but, regardless, I think I sometimes realize too late that I should shut up, and then I feel really bad. I've been feeling that way ever since I commented on your situation with your family finding out about your blog.
Anyway, this is my apology to you and to your family. I sometimes forget that there are issues far beyond what is included in the posts and that there are real three-dimensional people with feelings behind them. If I crossed a line and truly offended any of you, please know that I regret that. I only meant to be supportive since some of Green's diffulties reminded me of my own during times when I didn't have someone backing me, or at least someone whose opinion wasn't colored by loyalty to the other parties.
In any case, I wish the best to you, Green, and your family and am sending your way all the good vibes I can spare. From your blog, it looks like you're handling things well, though I hope you don't start bottling your feelings to spare others. Maybe the blog isn't the best place for some topics, but don't let that stop you from getting it out of your head some other way.
That being said - Steve, you were snubbed for FISH!? That's just wrong....
The second blog is a good thing. Just copy and paste the postings into the one your family has for family consumption rather than try to maintain two.
Another thing is to turn it into stories about coworkers or someone you heard on the street or a movie you saw, change genders, ages, and time frames. It is a bit of a pain in the butt, but at least Aunt Sausage Balls (what I call a certain relative of mine) doesn't get her knickers in a twist.
I'm glad you like my oatmeal posts.
Post a Comment
<< Home