Actually, You *DID* Promise Me a Rose Garden

One of the things my parents always did was to be careful not to make promises to me they wouldn't or couldn't keep. They would never promise me they'd stay alive forever. They promised to love me forever, even though they might not always like me. If I asked my mother to promise to not tell my father something, she'd always say it depended on what my secret was. They always promised I could tell them anything and they'd still love me. They always promised me I'd have a home wherever they lived.

That last one is a lie. I know, because I tried to take them up on it at one point. I was living in Florida at the time, had gotten fired, couldn't get another job, was running out of money, and called to ask my parents if I could come home. They had ALWAYS said I would have a place to stay with them whenever I wanted or needed. Growing up, if my mother and I were watching a Lifetime movie that involved domestic violence, she would always remind me that when I got married, if my husband EVER hit me, I was to come straight to her home, no matter what time of day or night, no matter if we'd gotten in a fight, no matter what. That would then prompt her to launch into her "You and your brother will always have a home with us" speech. Liar.

I am sure if I called my mother today to tell her how hurt I am that when I really needed what she'd promised me she went back on her promise, she'd say she doesn't remember the conversation at all. She never remembers anything bad about herself. Only bad things about me.

My mother can't remember a 3 hour phone conversation where I was hysterically crying and how I told her I considered myself an absolute total failure to have to be asking, but I didn't have money to pay rent the next month so could I come home and she said no. But she can rattle off with no problem exactly how many lamps I broke between the ages of 4 and 11.

So I'm really hurt by this. I'm angry and hurt. I just wanted to tell somebody that.

It would be nice if I could be over the hurt I feel by the time I'm 30 - that's my goal. Not just the hurt from this one promise, but all the things they've done that have both hurt my feelings, and caused me to have a hard time being a person out in the world. Some people want to be married, or finished having kids, or have traveled through Europe by the time they're 30. Those would all be great for me too, though honestly I don't see them happening. But being over my parents? That's potentially attainable. I hope. So I'm aiming for it, and we'll see how far I've gotten by then.