Just Start
There is so much to say. So, so very much. I can't even figure out how to catch you all up. I'm still unmarried without kids. Didn't win the lotto. It's officially been a year working for the Turkey (including temp time, but same employer so it counts). Still trying to find a new job, still trying to find a new apartment. Today as I put down my bag and iPod after walking home from work, I realized, "I am 35 and have been job-hunting for all of my thirties." This thought made me want to Take To Bed (a phrase I've been loving lately) immediately.
Tomorrow I have to get up at ass o'clock to get to a meeting with a recruiter. My parents are coming to town in about a month. I am re-thinking a trip I was tentatively planning for later this year.
You know what I wish? I wish I was better at being a person. Yes, I know - you're supposed to say you wish you were a better cook, or better at clothing shopping, or reading a map or whatever. I don't really need to be a better cook - I'm only cooking for me anyway. When I went to visit my grandmother after my grandfather (not the one I wrote about, the other one) died she told me now that she wasn't cooking for her husband anymore, she didn't cook.
Last night I only slept for two hours. Remember the movie Precious? Well, the book was called Push. I'm reading the sequel. It's about the son Precious had. Hard book to read due to the style of writing.
Trixie got married and had a baby. It's a girl. I haven't seen it yet, but Trixie is really cute and her husband is really handsome so I'm sure the baby is adorable.
Lately I have been chatting on Facebook with a girl from my private high school. When we first got back in touch, she was really bat-shit crazy and I was holding her at a distance. She tried to invite herself to stay with me, and even when I kept explaining I don't even have enough floor space to walk a straight line. Ultimately she went to live with her mother in Florida for a few months, and then moved back to where she'd been. The difference in her was astounding, and I asked about it. I can't believe it needed to be said to me, of all people, but she explained, "I was facing homelessness - how would you behave if you were?"
It made me think about the time I screamed at my friend so loudly that it ripped my throat. Because after paying rent and for a cell phone with my unemployment checks I had about $200 left each month. Because I'd been looking for work for so long with not enough luck. It left me feeling stupid that I hadn't realized the depths of what she was going through.
Speaking of homeless, I saw my homeless friend/neighbor this morning. His dog wasn't with him. Felt like a five year old, but still came right out with it. "Hi, where's your dog?" The guy shared that the dog was staying with his friend, because he'd been sick and in the hospital. Well. Okay then. Probably just skimmed the surface there.
But isn't that what most conversations do? Skim the surface of what really needs to be said?
Tomorrow I have to get up at ass o'clock to get to a meeting with a recruiter. My parents are coming to town in about a month. I am re-thinking a trip I was tentatively planning for later this year.
You know what I wish? I wish I was better at being a person. Yes, I know - you're supposed to say you wish you were a better cook, or better at clothing shopping, or reading a map or whatever. I don't really need to be a better cook - I'm only cooking for me anyway. When I went to visit my grandmother after my grandfather (not the one I wrote about, the other one) died she told me now that she wasn't cooking for her husband anymore, she didn't cook.
Last night I only slept for two hours. Remember the movie Precious? Well, the book was called Push. I'm reading the sequel. It's about the son Precious had. Hard book to read due to the style of writing.
Trixie got married and had a baby. It's a girl. I haven't seen it yet, but Trixie is really cute and her husband is really handsome so I'm sure the baby is adorable.
Lately I have been chatting on Facebook with a girl from my private high school. When we first got back in touch, she was really bat-shit crazy and I was holding her at a distance. She tried to invite herself to stay with me, and even when I kept explaining I don't even have enough floor space to walk a straight line. Ultimately she went to live with her mother in Florida for a few months, and then moved back to where she'd been. The difference in her was astounding, and I asked about it. I can't believe it needed to be said to me, of all people, but she explained, "I was facing homelessness - how would you behave if you were?"
It made me think about the time I screamed at my friend so loudly that it ripped my throat. Because after paying rent and for a cell phone with my unemployment checks I had about $200 left each month. Because I'd been looking for work for so long with not enough luck. It left me feeling stupid that I hadn't realized the depths of what she was going through.
Speaking of homeless, I saw my homeless friend/neighbor this morning. His dog wasn't with him. Felt like a five year old, but still came right out with it. "Hi, where's your dog?" The guy shared that the dog was staying with his friend, because he'd been sick and in the hospital. Well. Okay then. Probably just skimmed the surface there.
But isn't that what most conversations do? Skim the surface of what really needs to be said?
Labels: Overthinking
posted by Green at 4/09/2012 08:11:00 PM
7 Comments:
"You know what I wish? I wish I was better at being a person."
This resonated with me in ways I can't even express. Thank you for making me feel less alone? weird? whatever.
Don't feel bad about looking for a job for all of your 30s. I have been too. I thought once I had a job I wouldn't have to look anymore but I seem to end up with jobs with bosses that are crazy or just positions that suck so every day I look for another job.
The internet gives us this false sense of connection with other people, so it's even easier to think you know what's going on in their lives and feel alone in your own problems while they are going through the same stuff. I mean, you know what they had for breakfast, so how could you not be informed if there's something big going on?
I don't know how common this is, but I am often guilty of hiding it when my life is falling apart. Saying how bad it is feels like whining and burdening other people with my mistakes. They only get to know just how bad it is either when I crack or when things have gotten better.
Job hunting - I've been at my job for 8 years now. I used to be proud that I've stayed with the same company that long. Now I'm beginning to feel a bit like a pathetic sucker for being so complacent.
This is a lovely post. You're a very good writer, you know.
Hang in there, Green Yogurt. There are a lot of us who still don't know what we want to be when we grow up. But of course, all we can really be when we grow up is ourselves. I hope that you can take heart in the fact that you are the best "you" that the world has and that you are special and important.
Peace,
circlelovely
Well? I'm 69 and am starting over for the elventy millionth time... When I was your age and most of my twenties, I loved to travel and temped.
As good as your secretarial skills are ... you can get a van and hook 'em.
Nor a bad lifestyle... always enjoy reading your blog. I was a legal secretary and temp for ages. I relate to your stories so well !!
hate the two word verification thingy ... I changed mine ...
good label
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