Paranoia, Justified

The lawyer, who I want to refer to as Turkey for some reason, went to a court date last week, and met the client there. Well, not actually the real client. I'm not exactly clear on the details, but the Chinese mob is involved, not everyone involved speaks English, and some experts hired to help with the case who, in other instances would barely be involved, are very involved due to their translating services. Which, by the way, should be a paying gig, but in this instance is not. Anyway.

The point is, the Turkey went, and was given a $16,000 (that's sixteen thousand dollars) check right before the hearing. A lot of clients dispute their bills and in reading what they send to the arbitration board about Turkey, he has a tendency to do two things:

1. Work, work, work until it's time for the big court date, and then tell the client he can't continue (i.e. show up in court) unless they give him more money
2. Say you're in South Dakota, and need to get to Kansas. Any sane person would just plow through Nebraska and call it a day. The Turkey though, will drive to Utah, down to Texas, and then meander through Illinois before getting to Kansas. What should have taken a tank and a half of gas takes Turkey nine tanks.
   

So my point is, he creates environments where clients don't want to pay him. He must have been very excited, more excited than anyone else used to being given such big checks, and naturally he took the check from the client.

Turkey claimed he stuck the check in the file, which is comprised of three redwelds. The next morning, Turkey brought the three redwelds back into the office and dumped them on my desk. I neatened them up, because Turkey is a pig and made a big mess.

Later that day, the billing guy, who's now the billing guy and the guy who does random extra shit, fixed up the file and put it back on the shelf. The day after THAT, Turkey tells us he was given this huge check and he put it in the file. I look, don't find it. I ask the billing guy if he came across a check, he says no. When I give the Turkey this information, he says he must have left the check in his jacket pocket and will check at home that night.

The next day he says he can't find it, and I should check the file again. I do. Then the office manager checks what I'd just checked. Then we double-check with the billing guy. No check. On Wednesday Turkey, Office Manager and I have a meeting. Turkey tells her to call one of the experts and to explain we misplaced the check, would the client cut us a new one, and we'll pay the stop check fee to the bank? Today Office Manager shares that the guy who cut the check (who technically is not the client, just the guy paying on behalf of the client) died. This is not a fancy legal term that means something. Dude is dead. Dude's money is going to be tied up in probate for ages.

Office Manager tells me Turkey knows he always loses things and that she'd bet $16,000 he put the check in his inside jacket pocket. When she tells Turkey the check-giver is dead, he insists the check must be in the file, and tells me to look again. Office Manager offers that she found out it was in an envelope. I flip through Every. Single. Page of that damn file looking for an envelope. No envelope.

While I'm flipping, an idea floats across my brain. As a kid, I was a very, very sneaky little shit. They say that people who steal assume everyone steals. People who lie assume everyone is lying to them. If you exaggerate, you get the point. I'm not sneaky anymore, but I'm still wise to the sneaky ways. I climbed out of my sunken living room into the Office Manager's office, and floated my idea past her. "Maybe I'm paranoid, but what if Turkey finds the check at home and then puts it in the file and claims we just didn't find it when we looked?"

I feel stupid even saying this. Office Manager looked me straight in the eyes and nodded. "He's done that. Exactly that. Expect it."

Whoa. Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean everyone's not out to get you.