From Now On, Once a Month
Shit really does roll downhill. In my family, everyone except me was allowed to yell at people. It's kind of funny - my mother used to tell me that respect had to be earned. Yet, she demanded all sorts of things, like that I never raise my tone to her, never point my finger at her when talking, because they were signs of disrespect.
I never yell at people. People I don't care about who piss me off? They're not worth the energy. People I care about? I always worry I'll take my yelling too far and they'll never talk to me again. I have so few people in my life I don't feel like I can afford to let one go. Supposedly you can win the battle but lose the war. So I hold back and force myself to see the situation from their point of view. I find a way to make it okay in my own head. So I walk around with all this anger inside me, and no way of getting it out of me.
My mother used to tell me to go punch my pillow when I was angry. And then she'd yell at me for rolling my eyes at her, and send me to my bedroom. As I'd trudge up the staircase, she'd call after me as a reminder, "Every stamp gets a spank!" She and my dad were allowed to hit me, yell at me, and punish me. Any time my brother and I got in an argument, our parents took his side. It was never my turn.
Trixie and I are having getting-along problems. I was raised to believe I was/am a social retard, and thus, when any getting-along problems arise, I always assume they're my fault.
But this Trixie issue was not my fault. I discussed it with two different friends, who don't know each other. They both thought she was being completely unreasonable.
So tonight when a straw broke the camel's back, this camel flipped the fuck out. I really went all out on Trixie. At one point I even told her not to be so stupid as to lie to me when I could easily verify what she was saying to see she wasn't telling the truth. Fingers were pointed, voices were raised, and you know something?
I have absolutely nothing to lose by pissing her off. Trixie's already moving out. We're not going to be friends and we don't travel in the same circles. So I didn't have to worry about not pissing her off too much (and I'm sure it helped that I was totally in the right).
Maybe that's why I screamed with all my heart and soul, why I didn't censor anything I said, and why our fight even ended with me simply interrupting her to say, "This is pointless. There's absolutely no reason to continue this discussion," and just walking away from her.
When I was a little girl, I saw a scene in a movie where a woman was screaming at somebody wholeheartedly while throwing dishes. Ever since I've wanted to throw dishes and break them.
I didn't throw anything tonight, but everything I've been thinking came out, and it felt damn good. She truly deserved it, which is probably why she blushed each time I made another point. And why a few minutes after I walked away, Trixie came knocking on my door to talk to me, to try to smooth things over.
I never yell at people. But tonight changed all that. It felt really good to yell at someone who'd wronged me and be sure that I was not the one who'd wronged, who'd done anything to deserve being wronged, etc. I didn't have to hold myself back for the first time in my life.
Who do other people yell at? How often do you really scream at people? From now on, I'm totally going to do this once a month!
I never yell at people. People I don't care about who piss me off? They're not worth the energy. People I care about? I always worry I'll take my yelling too far and they'll never talk to me again. I have so few people in my life I don't feel like I can afford to let one go. Supposedly you can win the battle but lose the war. So I hold back and force myself to see the situation from their point of view. I find a way to make it okay in my own head. So I walk around with all this anger inside me, and no way of getting it out of me.
My mother used to tell me to go punch my pillow when I was angry. And then she'd yell at me for rolling my eyes at her, and send me to my bedroom. As I'd trudge up the staircase, she'd call after me as a reminder, "Every stamp gets a spank!" She and my dad were allowed to hit me, yell at me, and punish me. Any time my brother and I got in an argument, our parents took his side. It was never my turn.
Trixie and I are having getting-along problems. I was raised to believe I was/am a social retard, and thus, when any getting-along problems arise, I always assume they're my fault.
But this Trixie issue was not my fault. I discussed it with two different friends, who don't know each other. They both thought she was being completely unreasonable.
So tonight when a straw broke the camel's back, this camel flipped the fuck out. I really went all out on Trixie. At one point I even told her not to be so stupid as to lie to me when I could easily verify what she was saying to see she wasn't telling the truth. Fingers were pointed, voices were raised, and you know something?
I have absolutely nothing to lose by pissing her off. Trixie's already moving out. We're not going to be friends and we don't travel in the same circles. So I didn't have to worry about not pissing her off too much (and I'm sure it helped that I was totally in the right).
Maybe that's why I screamed with all my heart and soul, why I didn't censor anything I said, and why our fight even ended with me simply interrupting her to say, "This is pointless. There's absolutely no reason to continue this discussion," and just walking away from her.
When I was a little girl, I saw a scene in a movie where a woman was screaming at somebody wholeheartedly while throwing dishes. Ever since I've wanted to throw dishes and break them.
I didn't throw anything tonight, but everything I've been thinking came out, and it felt damn good. She truly deserved it, which is probably why she blushed each time I made another point. And why a few minutes after I walked away, Trixie came knocking on my door to talk to me, to try to smooth things over.
I never yell at people. But tonight changed all that. It felt really good to yell at someone who'd wronged me and be sure that I was not the one who'd wronged, who'd done anything to deserve being wronged, etc. I didn't have to hold myself back for the first time in my life.
Who do other people yell at? How often do you really scream at people? From now on, I'm totally going to do this once a month!
Labels: Little Green, Overthinking, Potential Depth, Rage Against the Green, Trixie
posted by Green at 1/06/2008 10:12:00 PM
7 Comments:
Good for you! I hadn't realized that it got that bad. I'm truly sorry I told you not to rule out talking it out with her.
Who do I yell at? My dogs and Sweets. They love me unconditionally. Everyone else could just write me out of their lives. That has been the result nearly every time I've asserted myself with a friend. Not everyone is like that, of course. I just tend to attract people who always have to be right and get their own way.
I guess I haven't been keeping up with this chain of events, but I'm really sorry that the situation has degraded so utterly. On the other hand, good for you for expressing your anger - and good for her for trying to resolve the situation after hearing your anger.
Good for you for getting it out, I think you needed it.
I don't like to yell at people either, I get too wound up, but yesterday, at work >:( grrr.
We have a dishwasher at work who really sucks at his job, and doesn't want to be there, but needs the money so he won't quit. He is really quite the diva and thinks he owns the dish pit. He gets pissy if you put dirty dishes in the sink, and gets pissy if you ask him where he wants it>>where do you think?? in the sink duh<<
I bite my tongue, because finding another dishwasher is a pain in the ass, and I don't have the time.
Yesterday, he was in the usual pissy mood, when I brought over 2 frypans the were still crusty for him to wash again. Before I even opened my mouth, He does the eyeroll thing and stomps off with the "whatever" arm waving in the air. The dirty dishes were one thing, but the disrespect sent me over the edge. I totally let him have it. He spent the rest of the day trying to apologize to me. I won't have it. As soon as i find someone, he is gone.
I'm not much of a yeller. I am more of a silent seether. Which is not very healthy for the gut, I think.
Yelling at Trixie may have freed up some space in your mind to help you think creatively about a way to get through these next couple of months, or it may invite someone into your "space" you might like enough to be your next roommate.
"Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui" applies to the mind and spirit, too.
(((Hugs)))
Yay! Good for you. You do know that you did what we all secretly have been mustering the courage to do for years. Since I'm nearing 30, I figure I am old enough to react and bounce my anger back to the perpetrator so I won't have to go around with unresolved cancerous lumps of rage in me.
hmm... once a month? At any random person or always Trixie...? :-)
I rarely yell - well, not anymore. The thing about us seldom-yellers is that, when we do yell, people are surprised that we yelled. I remember when, in high school, I easily snapped, no one purposely walked all over me... there's that benefit of perpetual yelling.
It's good to either let it out or let it go. If you can't let it go, it's bound to come out... Hope your roommate-situation improves...
When I yell, I tend to yell in the car or... my favorite place in the whole world to yell... under water. I wish it wasn't too cold to go for a swim today...
C
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