Freestyling
Normally I plan out my posts. I write them in my head and then type furiously to get it all down before I forget it all. Or I write them in Word or Outlook and cut and paste. Yeah that's right - I'm uptight about everything.
But not now. Tonight I'm all ... unsettled. There is angst and frustration and the feeling that I'm saying way too much to the wrong people and not enough to the right people all at the same time. Most of what I've been told is wrong, and that leaves me lost. All I know is my gut instinct is no longer to be trusted.
I am embarrassed about everything about myself. I am embarrassed to be so unsure of myself, and so unsure in every way.
Trixie is uncomfortable with me and no longer talks to me unless other people are around. I haven't found a new roommate to replace her yet. To say I am very stressed about money would be like saying maybe George Bush is not a great president.
In less than 24 hours I went out to eat with two different men (neither of whom I'm related to) (for two different meals) even though I didn't really want to go with either.
At Thanksgiving I got sick, never got fully better, and I feel like the sickness is revving up again.
I feel like even though people sometimes let me interact with them, they don't really want me involved in their lives. Like, they let me join in because there's no solid reason they can point to in order to exclude me, but they're not excited about it. Oh, except for people who are unhealthy for me.
Still bitter that when I was in Los Angeles a couple of months ago, I went all over and didn't see any famous people. Still angry at myself that Wednesday night when I was at Safeway, I thought I saw Irene from Real World, Seattle, but wasn't sure and had nobody to ask.
I am not feeling listened to. And then the people who don't listen complain that I don't want to talk to them. But why would I want to when they don't listen to me. Oh and I might as well add that I am frustrated at wanting more attention and hating attention. Guess I just want people to be interested in me as much as I am in them, and they're not.
A couple of weeks ago somebody asked me to join or link or whatever it was, to them on Facebook. So I did. And then I started poking around Facebook a bit, doing searches to see what I would find. And what did I find? A boy I grew up with who is now married and has a cute dog and presents himself to the world as a perfectly nice upstanding citizen.
And it hurt me. I got really upset. He body slammed me out of his way to his locker on a daily basis. He made fun of me and laughed at me and encouraged others to do the same all through middle school and high school (and hebrew school). And yet he's MARRIED? And has a cute DOG?
Does he really deserve a cute dog? I think not. I think he deserves to have people know what a shit he was. And sure, I could create a blog called Jason Greenberg* Was a Prick To Me, but I try very hard to be mature. And even though I'm failing since I'm upset enough to have to mention this here, I'm doing the best I can. Which is not that great, but what more can you ask for?
What bums me out about being bummed out about all this is that I am utterly exhausted by how hard I try at every fucking thing, and THIS is as far as it gets me?
Here is a good thing: twice I have been about to end sentences in prepositions this week and twice I was able to rearrange the words to avoid it.
Say anything you think I want or need to hear. But don't make me cry, because otherwise I'll add it to the list above.
*Jason Greenberg is not his real name. But it's close enough.
But not now. Tonight I'm all ... unsettled. There is angst and frustration and the feeling that I'm saying way too much to the wrong people and not enough to the right people all at the same time. Most of what I've been told is wrong, and that leaves me lost. All I know is my gut instinct is no longer to be trusted.
I am embarrassed about everything about myself. I am embarrassed to be so unsure of myself, and so unsure in every way.
Trixie is uncomfortable with me and no longer talks to me unless other people are around. I haven't found a new roommate to replace her yet. To say I am very stressed about money would be like saying maybe George Bush is not a great president.
In less than 24 hours I went out to eat with two different men (neither of whom I'm related to) (for two different meals) even though I didn't really want to go with either.
At Thanksgiving I got sick, never got fully better, and I feel like the sickness is revving up again.
I feel like even though people sometimes let me interact with them, they don't really want me involved in their lives. Like, they let me join in because there's no solid reason they can point to in order to exclude me, but they're not excited about it. Oh, except for people who are unhealthy for me.
Still bitter that when I was in Los Angeles a couple of months ago, I went all over and didn't see any famous people. Still angry at myself that Wednesday night when I was at Safeway, I thought I saw Irene from Real World, Seattle, but wasn't sure and had nobody to ask.
I am not feeling listened to. And then the people who don't listen complain that I don't want to talk to them. But why would I want to when they don't listen to me. Oh and I might as well add that I am frustrated at wanting more attention and hating attention. Guess I just want people to be interested in me as much as I am in them, and they're not.
A couple of weeks ago somebody asked me to join or link or whatever it was, to them on Facebook. So I did. And then I started poking around Facebook a bit, doing searches to see what I would find. And what did I find? A boy I grew up with who is now married and has a cute dog and presents himself to the world as a perfectly nice upstanding citizen.
And it hurt me. I got really upset. He body slammed me out of his way to his locker on a daily basis. He made fun of me and laughed at me and encouraged others to do the same all through middle school and high school (and hebrew school). And yet he's MARRIED? And has a cute DOG?
Does he really deserve a cute dog? I think not. I think he deserves to have people know what a shit he was. And sure, I could create a blog called Jason Greenberg* Was a Prick To Me, but I try very hard to be mature. And even though I'm failing since I'm upset enough to have to mention this here, I'm doing the best I can. Which is not that great, but what more can you ask for?
What bums me out about being bummed out about all this is that I am utterly exhausted by how hard I try at every fucking thing, and THIS is as far as it gets me?
Here is a good thing: twice I have been about to end sentences in prepositions this week and twice I was able to rearrange the words to avoid it.
Say anything you think I want or need to hear. But don't make me cry, because otherwise I'll add it to the list above.
*Jason Greenberg is not his real name. But it's close enough.
Labels: I'm Hurt, Little Green, Overthinking, Personally
posted by Green at 12/28/2007 10:12:00 PM
8 Comments:
Did it feel better after you got that all out? Look at the bright side, I bet Jason's "cute" dog pees on his floor, throws up on his shoes, chews up his loafers and poops in the path he walks to get into his car. Maybe his wife is fridgid too, or has horrible PMS that lasts a week and a half? The thing with Trixie, well, that's rough to deal with, but room mates drift in and out of our lives, and with luck the next one will be the best one you have ever had. Life usually swings like a pendulum, so if you are low now then you know that a high is coming right around the corner.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling better and things get easier soon.
Agree with Tina. Feel bad that you're at a low point now, but there's nowhere but up. Cliché yes, but true. Bet Jason G. can't get it up.
Don't feel so bad. I think everyone gets in a funk this time of year. I've been the same way, although I am in LA now and I saw Jay Leno two days ago. He is orange.
Green, I love your writing style, and feel like I know you enough to comment, I can tell that you have a good soul, and you always want to do the right thing. You agonize over things that bother you, although maybe you need to let some things go. I think you need to get back into yoga. Release all this negative energy, it isn't doing you any good, and it will show up outside your body, Making people think you are in a bad mood all the time. Maybe thats why Trixie is acting weird around you.
Take care Green, remember Don't sweat the petty stuff or pet the sweaty stuff lol. (((((HUG)))))
Sorry to hear you're down.
I had specific comments on feeling unsure, Trixie and Jason, but I deleted them because I sure as hell don't want to make you cry. I'll just say that you are smart and sensible and will be okay. This won't last forever.
Hey. Just to let you know... I heard you. It's good to rant now and then. (Hell, I use my blog for rants mostly.)
Karma is slow but I believe in it.
Been trying to think of something profound or funny to say, so far, bupkiss. I think I would have liked you, and you did nothing to deserve the treatment you got. Hoping the best for you.
I kind of feel like this today which could explain why it is almost noon and I am still in bed. I keep trying to remember what you said helped get you moving when you feel depressed and all I can remember at this moment is that you would get up and get dressed and I have been concentrating on trying to do that for three hours now and it isn't working and big sigh .... I'm still in bed. I HAVE to pee though, so when I get up to do that I will try hard to get some clothes on and maybe make some coffee or tea. Smaller sigh.... Thanks for listening.
C
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