Dear Trixie
One of the hardest things any lawyer has ever made me do is to call clients and tell them to pay their fucking bills. My very first lawyer-boss had me do this when I was just 21. I still lived with my parents, and had no idea how to order someone twice my age to do something.
So I learned what I like to call constructive lying. As a little kid, I was a bit of a lie-aholic and that's probably why my parents were very black and white about lying. We didn't do white lies in our family. And I grew up thinking all lying was terrible, deserving of death.
But it's not. Lying is fucking awesome. I think it's the Japanese who are very big into saving face. Their own and other people's. I'm all for that too - I think it's much more cruel to humiliate someone than to punch them.
The system I developed in calling to collect money was to pretend that we, my boss and I, were idiots. "Hi Dr. Weinstein, this is Green, calling from Rosa Berg's office (yes, she really did have a traditionally spanish first name and a jewish last name), how are you? Oh. Mr. Weinstein sent his bimbo to pick your girls up yesterday? Yes, I'm aware he's not supposed to do that, no you're right - it IS terrible. I'll make sure to mention that to Rosa for you. Actually though, I was calling about the last invoice we sent you? We're reorganizing our filing and seem to have misplaces the list that shows your latest payment for the October bill - could you tell me what number check that is?"
Or I'd say we had recently gotten a new mail carrier and didn't think we were receiving all our mail - what date did they mail out the check. Any variation of the above. Eight times out of ten they'd tell me a check would be in tomorrow's mail, and two days later I'd have a check to show Rosa. One time out of ten someone would try to say they weren't paying their bill because the judge hadn't ordered the outcome they'd wanted. "Jimmy, you hired Rosa to represent you in Court - she can't control the Judge. She told you that since your wife had pictures of all the marital furniture you destroyed, which you admitted doing, it was likely the Judge wouldn't give you overnight visits with your son."
Anyway, I discovered I could use this lying thing in all sorts of situations. I use it when people aren't answering my question - I pretend I'm too stupid to understand so they'll answer me again, hopefully answering what I actually asked the second time.
A couple of days ago, I used this approach on Trixie. She's gotten lax in her cleaning lately. Like the last several months. A while ago she had a cocktail party and then put all the extras under the dining room table, telling me she'd get rid of it that weekend. She put the leftover liquor in the cabinets, actually taking out a soup pot of mine to make room for it, saying her friend was having a party soon and she'd pass the liquor on to the friend. Yeah, that was over a MONTH ago.
There's still shit under our dining room table, and my soup pot is still on the counter. I am my father's daughter, and I like for things to be put away. At least, things that belong in the kitchen.
I tried to ask Trixie what was going on with this stuff a couple of weeks ago, and she swore she was getting it out of our apartment soon. Nothing's happened. So a couple of days ago I told Trixie that I was overwhelmed by my mess and it would really help me if she could shame me into being neater by being uber neat herself.
Then I quietly reminded her of my neatness goal by cleaning the kitchen floor last night. Tonight I cleaned off the coffee table.
I am overwhelmed by presents I need to send out as soon as I can take a cab to the post office (damn big boxes!), my retarded job that hasn't hired me permanently yet, forcing me to continue making $600 COBRA payments each month, my increase in rent that's coming in January, and life in general. It would be nice if I could come home to a clean fucking house and an uncluttered kitchen.
Hey, and it'd also be nice if certain people paid their rent on time. Trixie is going to lose her Best Roommate Ever Crown if she keeps this up.
So I learned what I like to call constructive lying. As a little kid, I was a bit of a lie-aholic and that's probably why my parents were very black and white about lying. We didn't do white lies in our family. And I grew up thinking all lying was terrible, deserving of death.
But it's not. Lying is fucking awesome. I think it's the Japanese who are very big into saving face. Their own and other people's. I'm all for that too - I think it's much more cruel to humiliate someone than to punch them.
The system I developed in calling to collect money was to pretend that we, my boss and I, were idiots. "Hi Dr. Weinstein, this is Green, calling from Rosa Berg's office (yes, she really did have a traditionally spanish first name and a jewish last name), how are you? Oh. Mr. Weinstein sent his bimbo to pick your girls up yesterday? Yes, I'm aware he's not supposed to do that, no you're right - it IS terrible. I'll make sure to mention that to Rosa for you. Actually though, I was calling about the last invoice we sent you? We're reorganizing our filing and seem to have misplaces the list that shows your latest payment for the October bill - could you tell me what number check that is?"
Or I'd say we had recently gotten a new mail carrier and didn't think we were receiving all our mail - what date did they mail out the check. Any variation of the above. Eight times out of ten they'd tell me a check would be in tomorrow's mail, and two days later I'd have a check to show Rosa. One time out of ten someone would try to say they weren't paying their bill because the judge hadn't ordered the outcome they'd wanted. "Jimmy, you hired Rosa to represent you in Court - she can't control the Judge. She told you that since your wife had pictures of all the marital furniture you destroyed, which you admitted doing, it was likely the Judge wouldn't give you overnight visits with your son."
Anyway, I discovered I could use this lying thing in all sorts of situations. I use it when people aren't answering my question - I pretend I'm too stupid to understand so they'll answer me again, hopefully answering what I actually asked the second time.
A couple of days ago, I used this approach on Trixie. She's gotten lax in her cleaning lately. Like the last several months. A while ago she had a cocktail party and then put all the extras under the dining room table, telling me she'd get rid of it that weekend. She put the leftover liquor in the cabinets, actually taking out a soup pot of mine to make room for it, saying her friend was having a party soon and she'd pass the liquor on to the friend. Yeah, that was over a MONTH ago.
There's still shit under our dining room table, and my soup pot is still on the counter. I am my father's daughter, and I like for things to be put away. At least, things that belong in the kitchen.
I tried to ask Trixie what was going on with this stuff a couple of weeks ago, and she swore she was getting it out of our apartment soon. Nothing's happened. So a couple of days ago I told Trixie that I was overwhelmed by my mess and it would really help me if she could shame me into being neater by being uber neat herself.
Then I quietly reminded her of my neatness goal by cleaning the kitchen floor last night. Tonight I cleaned off the coffee table.
I am overwhelmed by presents I need to send out as soon as I can take a cab to the post office (damn big boxes!), my retarded job that hasn't hired me permanently yet, forcing me to continue making $600 COBRA payments each month, my increase in rent that's coming in January, and life in general. It would be nice if I could come home to a clean fucking house and an uncluttered kitchen.
Hey, and it'd also be nice if certain people paid their rent on time. Trixie is going to lose her Best Roommate Ever Crown if she keeps this up.
Labels: Trixie
posted by Green at 12/05/2007 10:01:00 PM
1 Comments:
I like the 'whats the check number' approach...
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