Greenie's Choice
It's a different world where I came from. A world that I've been slowly finding out, is considered weird by almost every single person who reads my blog and every single person I've talked with. This revelation has been building for almost six years, but I think this blog issue has blown it wide open and laid it out in all its glory (and fury). Even when I lived in Florida, I would get that telltale "Why do you think THAT?!" look from people often. When certain Old World people visited me in Florida we would talk about the difference they were noticing in the worlds. I don't know which world I live in. All these people in the new world are saying they're my friends, and that's great (so, SO VERY great), but I don't know how much I can really count on these people (sorry, I have trust issues and it's totally me and not you). I haven't pushed my luck, but it still leaves me not knowing.
I accidentally hurt a friend last year, and her forgiveness was so swift and pure that it almost knocked me over. I never EVER had anyone forgive me like that in my life. She told me she forgave me, actually interrupting me as I was apologizing to her, saying there were more important things in the world, that she knew it was an innocent mistake, and our friendship just moved on. She's never brought it up again, she's never even hinted at it. Things like that never happened in the Old World.
I feel like I'm being backed into a corner, and forced to choose between two worlds. One that helped me grow up and put up with all my shit (and there was a lot of it), and another that pretty much accepts and loves me for who I am now. How much do you owe your old world? I'm not positive I should abandon my old world; even aside from the sense of loyalty. How long are you supposed to stay loyal to the old world? Exactly how are you supposed to show that loyalty?
I kind of want to go with the world I have access to now, but am not sure that world can fulfill all the responsibilities my old world had. I'm just not positive I can count on the new world for all that. Is there a middle world somewhere that I should be moving towards instead? A world less far away from this new world, that's closer to the old world? That somehow incorporates some of the Old World Guidelines into their world?
A part of my brain is wondering how all these New World People got to the new world. Was their old world not the same as mine? Was it not as big a leap from old to new as it seems mine is? Did they completely leave their old world behind? Are they welcome to come back to it and visit? Was the old world hurt when they left? Exactly how hurt was the old world? I feel like if I embrace the New World, the Old World will be so furious and hurt that it will never ever let me back in again. I very much do not want to hurt my Old World. I love my old world, very much. I appreciate all my old world has done for me, more than I can express. Unfortunately, it turns out my old world didn't (couldn't?) give me everything I need. I found a world that ... while maybe it can't give me everything, can get me closer to what I need.
Another thing to consider is that I feel like the old world SAYS it wants me to go forth and conquer a new world, but only if I follow the Old World Guidelines. Many of those guidelines contradict the New World Ways.
The two world are so mindblowingly different, that I see no way to live in both. This is not living in Manhattan with a Hamptons summer home. This is living in the backroads of Kansas, or living in the heart of Japan. This feels like my own personal version of Sophie's Choice.
I accidentally hurt a friend last year, and her forgiveness was so swift and pure that it almost knocked me over. I never EVER had anyone forgive me like that in my life. She told me she forgave me, actually interrupting me as I was apologizing to her, saying there were more important things in the world, that she knew it was an innocent mistake, and our friendship just moved on. She's never brought it up again, she's never even hinted at it. Things like that never happened in the Old World.
I feel like I'm being backed into a corner, and forced to choose between two worlds. One that helped me grow up and put up with all my shit (and there was a lot of it), and another that pretty much accepts and loves me for who I am now. How much do you owe your old world? I'm not positive I should abandon my old world; even aside from the sense of loyalty. How long are you supposed to stay loyal to the old world? Exactly how are you supposed to show that loyalty?
I kind of want to go with the world I have access to now, but am not sure that world can fulfill all the responsibilities my old world had. I'm just not positive I can count on the new world for all that. Is there a middle world somewhere that I should be moving towards instead? A world less far away from this new world, that's closer to the old world? That somehow incorporates some of the Old World Guidelines into their world?
A part of my brain is wondering how all these New World People got to the new world. Was their old world not the same as mine? Was it not as big a leap from old to new as it seems mine is? Did they completely leave their old world behind? Are they welcome to come back to it and visit? Was the old world hurt when they left? Exactly how hurt was the old world? I feel like if I embrace the New World, the Old World will be so furious and hurt that it will never ever let me back in again. I very much do not want to hurt my Old World. I love my old world, very much. I appreciate all my old world has done for me, more than I can express. Unfortunately, it turns out my old world didn't (couldn't?) give me everything I need. I found a world that ... while maybe it can't give me everything, can get me closer to what I need.
Another thing to consider is that I feel like the old world SAYS it wants me to go forth and conquer a new world, but only if I follow the Old World Guidelines. Many of those guidelines contradict the New World Ways.
The two world are so mindblowingly different, that I see no way to live in both. This is not living in Manhattan with a Hamptons summer home. This is living in the backroads of Kansas, or living in the heart of Japan. This feels like my own personal version of Sophie's Choice.
posted by Green at 3/02/2006 08:02:00 AM
21 Comments:
Be strong, Green. I wish I could tell you what to do or at least say something to make it easier, but I don't have any answers. As scary as it sounds, there may be no answers at all. It's just making what you feel is the best decision for you and learning to live with whatever follows. After all, everyone else has the option of walking away; you're stuck dealing with the aftermath of your decisions.
I still feel uncomfortable sharing my views on some issues with people from home. They all seem to live by a set of standards that just don't seem practical to me. I don't want to offend them, but I also don't want to sell myself out or pretend to be someone I'm not (that's EXHAUSTING and makes me unhappy). I usually just try to keep private stuff private, then other times, put on a brave face, like I really have no doubts of wisdom of the way I live my life.
I can definitely relate to the trust issues. It's something I work on, too. It sounds like your friends are pretty consistent in supporting you, though. Just remember that they are human, too. You won't always agree and you may hurt each other, but if you feel like your life is better for having them in it, they're worth hanging on to.
Good luck to you. My thoughts are with you.
We all have multiple worlds that constantly evolve as we grow and change. Your challenges are to keep the good parts of your Old World, reject the bad parts of your New World as they continually develop and, hopefully, merge both worlds resulting in a blended world in which GY can live and succeed.
It's difficult to keep parts of your Old World when GY has grown and changed and those Old World parts have not kept up with your changes and, therefore, do not know who GY is today. If you want to keep some Old World segments, you must allow them to remain a part of you and let them see who you are now.
Your current issues are short term and resulted, in my opinion, from some Old World segments learning for the first time of some of GY's thoughts and feelings. These problems will resolve themselves over time as both you and your Old World remnants figure out who GY is and how to relate to and deal with each other. Once you sort out the resolution you would like, you can attempt to guide this resolution through open and honest communication.
While I personally might not like some of your posted thoughts and feelings and may be unhappy that some information about me was subjected to the "scrutiny" of the Internet, I understand (probably more than most) the privacy and security issues and ramifications and know that while anyone with the desire, time and technical know-how can break anonymous identities, the probability of that happening is low. My real disappointment is that you are more comfortable posting this information on the Internet anonymously as GY than sharing them with the Old World people who allegedly helped you grow up and put up with all your sh*t, or more accurately, the portion of it that we knew about.
I like you. But sometimes I just want you to shut up... Look, you definitely have a lot of issues with your family and what not. Sounds so very much like an Asian family, which I come from. I've battled what you've gone through, and I still go through it sometimes. Bottom line, you need to set up boundaries with your family. They EXPECT way too much from you. An expectation is a premeditated resentment. Think about that. Your family has NO IDEA what you go through on a daily basis, (work, stress, personal life, health, sleep deprivation, how you're feeling, etc.) yet they EXPECT you to do this, that, and the other. I've found that I've somewhat needed to abandon my "Old World" to find my "New World." This allows the clouds of the Old World to go away and let's you see things more clearly and according to your terms. Figure out what YOU want and find something that will work for you in the middle. You're creating that middle world because it has to fall into what works for you. YOU COME FIRST. You don't know the meaning of that. I know a really good therapist in San Francisco. She helped me grow a back bone in, like, 2 years. She's fantastic. I feel very healthy now, and I still go to her because I think therapy, like Martha Stewart says, is a good thing.
My real disappointment is that you are more comfortable posting this information on the Internet anonymously as GY than sharing them with the Old World people who allegedly helped you grow up and put up with all your sh*t, or more accurately, the portion of it that we knew about.
A blog is an anonymous journal, a tool for airing issues and getting feedback without divulging real identities. So it makes perfect sense to me that someone would be more comfortable writing their issues in their journal than sharing them with the real-life people who are party to those issues. This seems so natural to me that it's hard to understand why it would be a disappointment. When someone blogs (or journalizes, or writes a novel, or addresses their therapist) about their interpersonal issues, isn't it usually after they have already tried the best means at their disposal to resolve them with the people concerned? That's certainly my impression of the issues GY writes about in her blog. So it's not really about "sharing information on the Internet instead of with those involved."
As for the second part of the disappointment, I think any relationship is a two-way street. Both sides are putting up with some shit from the other party, both sides are providing shit to the other party, both sides are helping the other party to grow, both sides conceal certain feelings from the other party, and both sides harbor that "the portion that we knew about" feeling.
You know, you really don't have to choose. Or at least you shouldn't have to.
Most families expect and encourage their loved ones to go out there, seek new friends and new experiences, to grow and evolve. Healthy parents know that they have their children all to themselves for a short time--eighteen, twenty-two years, maybe--and then they are released into the wild. Healthy families trust that their children will find their way, that they have done their job and that they will always love one another, even as their paths diverge.
Healthy people have their family and their friends as sounding boards and support, and turning to one isn't betrayal of the other.
Most people don't get everything they need in terms of love and support from just their family, or just their friends, or just the voices in their own head. Most people need everybody.
The world gets smaller and smaller, and it's possible to commute between backroads Kansas and the heart of Japan.
I will 2nd everything that Patti has to offer. I think that the two worlds CAN (and need to) compliment each other to the completeness of a healthy GY.
I think that the comments we see here are proof positive that the two can coexist peacefully, at the least.
Mr. yogurt,
~~~My real disappointment is that you are more comfortable posting this information on the Internet anonymously as GY than sharing them with the Old World people who allegedly helped you grow up and put up with all your sh*t, or more accurately, the portion of it that we knew about.~~~
With how rapidly GYs parents found about the blog, I can understand why she feels the need to post anonymously online.
Did you think about maybe discussing how you felt about the blog to her, or was it a matter of "MOM!!! GUESS WHAT GY SAID ABOUT US!?!?"
I don't think she ever meant to hurt you or your family. Like I posted before, this blog was not meant for your eyes, but there are somethings you can tell a complete stranger about, that you could never tell your family. Sometimes the ones who love you the most, hurt you the most. I hope you can forgive her for exposing all your secrets, and she can forgive you for betraying her to your parents.
sincerely catherine
Hey,GY,
You got to know when to hold,and you got to know when to fold them...what to keep and what to throw away and what to redo so it is a little of each. This keeps changing as he often as the parties to the agreement want it to.
You are growing up. This is called growing pains.
Choose, merge,be truthful to everyone including yourself and hopefully this will eventually make you happy and ohers happy with you.
BTW,this process is neither quick nor easy,but definitely worth the effort.
Wow GY. There is a Middle World for sure. For some people, like my husband, it's not a big leap from the old to the new at all - because the old was always so accepting and trusting and open. For others, like me, it's a constant zero-sum game - if you accept one New Thing it has to replace something from the Old World, the two can't really coexist most of the time. But I'm sure there is a Middle World, and with time and work and thought and friends of all stripes, we can find it.
You may saaaaaaaay I'm a dreamer..... C'mon, sing it with me! :)
((hugs))
This is a link to a column in the SF Chronicle. It made me think of you.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2006/03/03/DDGU9GJ5DL1.DTL
I really feel for you GY. it's clear from your writing how much your family means to you. this must be a very upsetting experience, and I'm sad that your family is having such a hard time rolling with it.
I wonder, if you'd written in your journal and left it at your brother's, and he'd read it and then passed it on to your parents, would that be considered a more clear-cut betrayal of you? because this is really no different. I think your brother has some thinking to do, personally.
For those whose browsers are as ornary as mine is with long links, here is a shorter version of Steve's link. Just copy and paste it into your browser window.
http://tinyurl.com/nfo2g
Or just click here.
Have you exaggerated, embellished,"created stories or comments" and mixed them in with truth to read a little more to your liking or to support your view,blogged confidences of your Old World people? If any of these stab at the heart and you have lost trust because of them, the reaction of your family makes perfect sense. Has there ever been a time before when they couldn't trust you because of what you said or did? HAve you managed to work your way back into their good graces? Though you have blogged for your own needs and purposes, have you considered what it would do to theirs? No - got to consider other's feelings while trying to meet your own needs. Not impossible - Just takes a little consideration and thought.
This whole thing wouldn't bother you or them so much if the love between all of you
wasn't so strong. You must all love and care about each other immensely or the hurt wouldn't feel so deep nor would all of you feel so devastated.
I am on your side,GY,but would like you to decide if you feel as
badly as it appears you do because of the confidences and trust your family feels you have broken or because you got caught and they found you out. The difference between the two is huge!
I hope all of you end up content in the end.
BTW,if I guess correctly,Green, both you and CG love your brother who just had heart surgery,so why are you allowing him to have what must be a tremendous amount of stress over anything? Don't both of you want the absolute best for him? Why are you censoring???
GY - there is only one world - your world - it is up to you to choose how to live in it; they are not and cannot be mutually exclusive. Keep the good and discard or disregard the chaff.
My little sister is six years old. I see her going up the street right in front of me, in her little hooded red plaid poncho, and I feel fiercely protective.
Except ... she's forty-five. And I love her dearly and fiercely, and still see that image, but I keep a careful distance, sometimes, when stress or her medications come out of balance, and she isn't my sister any more, because that's what I need to do to survive.
Survival first; you do what you need to survive, without, if you're lucky, hurting other people. Sometimes it means that there are parts of you that you can't or won't share with the Old World. Sometimes it means an agreement to remember who we were, and to be polite to the people who we are. Sometimes a loving distance is what's needed to survive.
(BTW, I found you through Opinionista, since I wanted to offer support to a fellow cubicle prisoner in Law Office Hell.)
Loyalty is unconditional, always and forever, even slightly past the realm of reason and as forgiving as your Jewish G-d.
It is very much like total and complete love.
I wish you love. It makes you content and gives you a soft place to fall.
Messages to GY and her Messagees
GY, they are all for you to think about.
Avi- Bogs are NOT anonymous. if they were , none of this would have happened!
Anon.-GY may not have meant to hurt her family and others,but she did not make sure she wouldn't. It's like the criminal who wants to get caught!
gy - your family chose to share some stuff with you that they felt was personal. They must have thought they could because they felt they had a special relationship with you, not everyone who reads your blog. They had very strong feelings for you to do this. You kinda blew their trust into tiny bits. BUT, it seems you also have very strong feelings for them, so maybe you could share your feelings and reactions with them. Is it that YOU just don't think so? Trust and sharing walk hand-in-hand down a two way street. If you decide to try it, don't forget it could take a lot of work and a long time.
As sooon as secret words leave your mouth the secret is broken.
Karma dictates that it always goes full circle and gets back to those you don't want it to get to the most and the fastest.
Try turning the situation around to think how you might feel. I don't mean the issue but rather the secret.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GY your mother will always be your mother- having your best interests at heart,but you and she are becoming friends ,too. One day you will want her to be, and she will be, your very best friend in the world, and then some. Try to think about her as someone you want to be your very best friend someday. If you show this to her, it might actually happen and both of you will be happier and appreciate each other more than either of you could possibly imagine right now.
Good luck!
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