Bring Your Blog Readers To Work Day
I've been a legal secretary for almost a decade. Some attorneys I've worked with have been great, and I've busted my ass for them. Some have been horrible, and they've broken my spirit a few times. Here are some highlights from my side of the pony wall over the years:
1. The attorney is about to have lunch delivered. As I sit at my desk, working through my lunch hour and eating my salad I brought from home because I can't afford to eat lunch out, he asks if I have change. As I think of the coins in my middle drawer, he whips out a hundred dollar bill and asks if I can break that. No fucker, I can't break a $100 bill! I've never had a $100 bill in my life. Go ask another rich attorney you arrogant prick. (I'm neither bitter, nor jealous.)
2. I've been called the name of every wife and former secretary the attorney has ever had.
3. I slave over the wording of a difficult letter, and then have to put in time for the attorney that says "Review and respond to letter from opposing counsel." YOU didn't do that, I did that!
4. You, the attorney, are hiding from a partner. That partner keeps calling me asking for you. You, are standing in front of my desk mouthing "I'm not here!" but then get angry at me when I tell the partner "I'm sorry, he's stepped away from his desk for a moment." What? You wanted me to say "I'm sorry, he was in a furious e-mail fight with his girlfriend, then his mom called, then he went to get coffee with the hot baby attorney who sits next to him, and when you called he was trying to figure out the formatting of a memo he was going to start drafting to you"? Yeah, I didn't think so.
5. You give me six boxes filled with random papers and redwelds and ask me to organize them. After I've been slaving away at that all morning, you decide to let me know it may be two totally unrelated cases. Then you ask what the hell I've been doing all morning.
6. You give me Project #1. You interrupt Project #1 to ask me to copy a document for you. When I give you back the original and copies, you hand me Project #2. As I walk back to my desk, my phone is ringing. It's you, asking me to find you a phone number. As I recite the phone number for you, you hang up on me to take a call from someone more important. I go back to your office to give you the phone number written on a piece of paper. You silently shove Project #3 at me. I get back to my desk and you yell for Project #1. When I tell you I'm working on it, you ask for Project #2. When I tell you it's next in line after I complete Project #1, you ask what the hell I've been doing all afternoon.
7. You are paranoid, and feel what you do is nobody's business. Therefore, even though you're on vacation for the next two weeks, every morning I am to open your door and turn on the lights in your office. When I put your time for those vacation days into the billing system as 0/Vacation, you yell at me. I explain that Accounting needs to know this, you insist it's nobody's business.
8. You are scared of your clients, never take their calls, and never call them back. They yell at me, and threaten to tell on me for "obviously never giving the attorney my many messages" even though they also refuse to leave you a voice mail. I tell you this, and you tell me it's my job to take your phone calls.
9. Your friends call for you, and tell me I sound hot, tell me I sound like I'm 12 years old, tell me weird names you used to call each other when you were drunk fraternity brothers that will make you laugh when you see the message. I'm busy, you fucker - can't you see #6?
10. You throw files at me. Not at my desk, not into my waiting hands, but AT me.
11. Despite the fact that I go to you at 4:30 p.m. to ask what else you need to accomplish before the end of the day, invariably at 4:58 p.m. you unearth a project from the bottom of your Inbox that's been there since the morning and decide it must be worked on Right Away. By me. Even though I told you I had plans after work.
12. You throw out the list of office extensions because it's easier for you to call and ask me what Jane's extension is. 427 times each day.
13. You ask me to get you a coffee at Starbucks but don't lay out the money for it, and I waste ten minutes going around to other secretaries asking each one for a quarter. It never ever occurs to you to just give me $10 and tell me to get a coffee for myself also. The one day each month I treat myself to a coffee, you ask why I didn't pick one up for you also.
14. You tell me you're running out to grab a quick lunch ten minutes before you have a meeting with the managing partner, which I remind you about. You do not take your Crackberry or cell phone and are gone for over two hours.
15. You pick your nose, your wedgies, and scratch your balls in front of me.
16. You have me call the parents of every member of your son's Little League team to tell them a practice is canceled, and then yell at me because you gave me the wrong date.
17. You interrogate me like the prosecuting attorney you are. What are you interrogating me about? Why I've gone to the restroom at the same time of day for the last three days. I'm not a machine dammit - I'm human, and I get my period once a month.
18. You go through my personal drawer and help yourself to my fancy Bath & Body Works lotion.
19. You don't know how to spell demurrer.
20. You know my salary is under $30,000, and I currently don't have health insurance even though it's offered, because I can't afford it. Yet you make fun of me for never having been out of the country, not knowing how first class seating in airplanes work, and other things that only someone with money would know. That's right, the fanciest restaurant I've ever been to is Outback. Morton's is where I'll go for my 10th anniversary. Welcome to my world, where Sunday mornings really are spent cutting out coupons from the newspaper.
21. You do not pay my cell phone bill, yet get angry with me that yesterday when I was at jury duty, I did not keep my cell phone on at all times in case you had a crisis. A crisis, you know, like not being able to find the orange your wife had the housekeeper lovingly pick from your orange tree in the backyard. Because I would have known the answer to that. You, the attorney, seem to forget that cell phones MUST be turned off inside courthouses.
22. You give me dirty looks when I do not follow your incomplete directions. Remember the time I was in your office and you told me to close the door? But when I did that you yelled at me because you'd meant for me to leave and close the dooor behind me, but you hadn't given any indication you were finished taking papers out of your Inbox and handing them to me. I thought it was reasonable to assume you were going to tell me something confidential, sorry. Bastard.
Love my job, can't wait to see you Monday!
1. The attorney is about to have lunch delivered. As I sit at my desk, working through my lunch hour and eating my salad I brought from home because I can't afford to eat lunch out, he asks if I have change. As I think of the coins in my middle drawer, he whips out a hundred dollar bill and asks if I can break that. No fucker, I can't break a $100 bill! I've never had a $100 bill in my life. Go ask another rich attorney you arrogant prick. (I'm neither bitter, nor jealous.)
2. I've been called the name of every wife and former secretary the attorney has ever had.
3. I slave over the wording of a difficult letter, and then have to put in time for the attorney that says "Review and respond to letter from opposing counsel." YOU didn't do that, I did that!
4. You, the attorney, are hiding from a partner. That partner keeps calling me asking for you. You, are standing in front of my desk mouthing "I'm not here!" but then get angry at me when I tell the partner "I'm sorry, he's stepped away from his desk for a moment." What? You wanted me to say "I'm sorry, he was in a furious e-mail fight with his girlfriend, then his mom called, then he went to get coffee with the hot baby attorney who sits next to him, and when you called he was trying to figure out the formatting of a memo he was going to start drafting to you"? Yeah, I didn't think so.
5. You give me six boxes filled with random papers and redwelds and ask me to organize them. After I've been slaving away at that all morning, you decide to let me know it may be two totally unrelated cases. Then you ask what the hell I've been doing all morning.
6. You give me Project #1. You interrupt Project #1 to ask me to copy a document for you. When I give you back the original and copies, you hand me Project #2. As I walk back to my desk, my phone is ringing. It's you, asking me to find you a phone number. As I recite the phone number for you, you hang up on me to take a call from someone more important. I go back to your office to give you the phone number written on a piece of paper. You silently shove Project #3 at me. I get back to my desk and you yell for Project #1. When I tell you I'm working on it, you ask for Project #2. When I tell you it's next in line after I complete Project #1, you ask what the hell I've been doing all afternoon.
7. You are paranoid, and feel what you do is nobody's business. Therefore, even though you're on vacation for the next two weeks, every morning I am to open your door and turn on the lights in your office. When I put your time for those vacation days into the billing system as 0/Vacation, you yell at me. I explain that Accounting needs to know this, you insist it's nobody's business.
8. You are scared of your clients, never take their calls, and never call them back. They yell at me, and threaten to tell on me for "obviously never giving the attorney my many messages" even though they also refuse to leave you a voice mail. I tell you this, and you tell me it's my job to take your phone calls.
9. Your friends call for you, and tell me I sound hot, tell me I sound like I'm 12 years old, tell me weird names you used to call each other when you were drunk fraternity brothers that will make you laugh when you see the message. I'm busy, you fucker - can't you see #6?
10. You throw files at me. Not at my desk, not into my waiting hands, but AT me.
11. Despite the fact that I go to you at 4:30 p.m. to ask what else you need to accomplish before the end of the day, invariably at 4:58 p.m. you unearth a project from the bottom of your Inbox that's been there since the morning and decide it must be worked on Right Away. By me. Even though I told you I had plans after work.
12. You throw out the list of office extensions because it's easier for you to call and ask me what Jane's extension is. 427 times each day.
13. You ask me to get you a coffee at Starbucks but don't lay out the money for it, and I waste ten minutes going around to other secretaries asking each one for a quarter. It never ever occurs to you to just give me $10 and tell me to get a coffee for myself also. The one day each month I treat myself to a coffee, you ask why I didn't pick one up for you also.
14. You tell me you're running out to grab a quick lunch ten minutes before you have a meeting with the managing partner, which I remind you about. You do not take your Crackberry or cell phone and are gone for over two hours.
15. You pick your nose, your wedgies, and scratch your balls in front of me.
16. You have me call the parents of every member of your son's Little League team to tell them a practice is canceled, and then yell at me because you gave me the wrong date.
17. You interrogate me like the prosecuting attorney you are. What are you interrogating me about? Why I've gone to the restroom at the same time of day for the last three days. I'm not a machine dammit - I'm human, and I get my period once a month.
18. You go through my personal drawer and help yourself to my fancy Bath & Body Works lotion.
19. You don't know how to spell demurrer.
20. You know my salary is under $30,000, and I currently don't have health insurance even though it's offered, because I can't afford it. Yet you make fun of me for never having been out of the country, not knowing how first class seating in airplanes work, and other things that only someone with money would know. That's right, the fanciest restaurant I've ever been to is Outback. Morton's is where I'll go for my 10th anniversary. Welcome to my world, where Sunday mornings really are spent cutting out coupons from the newspaper.
21. You do not pay my cell phone bill, yet get angry with me that yesterday when I was at jury duty, I did not keep my cell phone on at all times in case you had a crisis. A crisis, you know, like not being able to find the orange your wife had the housekeeper lovingly pick from your orange tree in the backyard. Because I would have known the answer to that. You, the attorney, seem to forget that cell phones MUST be turned off inside courthouses.
22. You give me dirty looks when I do not follow your incomplete directions. Remember the time I was in your office and you told me to close the door? But when I did that you yelled at me because you'd meant for me to leave and close the dooor behind me, but you hadn't given any indication you were finished taking papers out of your Inbox and handing them to me. I thought it was reasonable to assume you were going to tell me something confidential, sorry. Bastard.
Love my job, can't wait to see you Monday!
posted by Green at 2/04/2006 11:03:00 AM
25 Comments:
this belongs on best of craigslist. it's really funny no matter your job. you've painted a pretty funny picture here - reminds me of a guy at b's who office who wrote a faux resume for one of the partners. it included things like: instituted flavored water offering in vending machines
your boss sounds like a real douchebag. sorry about that. but it makes your blog fun to read. and i love the new look. it very yogurty. and green too.
He's either (a) an alcoholic, (b) on drugs, or (c) having an affair. I think it's probably a or b.
Honey, you HAVE to stand up for yourself. I pick the coffee one to start with. The next time the loser asks you to get his coffee, hold your hand out for the money and stand your ground.
What a jerk.
-Carole
Jesus skillet, I had no idea that your work situation was like that. You are tough, I could not handle it. I hate hate hate pricks like that, I am sure that he yells at waitstaff and grocery clerks too. If he goes in your personal drawer, start putting guns and ammo catalogs and military vigilante magazines in there. Tell him your boyfriend is a cop and into all of that stuff and that you are looking for ideas for Valentine's gifts. I wish that I could talk to the animals and have a hundred one legged Market st. Pigeons peck his eyes out. - Beth one
Love your blog. Just discovered it from Opinionistas. I too am a legal secretary, but work for one of the good guys. But I used to work for a peckerhead - different from yours, but still the same MO. Once, I had someone call and ask me to look through his desk drawer for something, of course, what he directed me to contained condoms and underwear. It was so gross, but what was i going to do, right? I know someone will post "You should have complained/yelled at him/quit." but we know if you don't make enough money for decent apt or to make change for $100, you can't quit/complain/yell. You just take it until something better comes a long.
Hang in there and keep posting, so I have something to laugh along with.
Not a legal secretary, but I've been the regular sort for 20 odd years. At one point I worked in a group office at a graduate school where three secretaries supported about 25 professors (including three who had private secretaries) and 150 students.
But I love my current boss because I get to do a lot of nasty letters -- that is, I translate his incoherent cursing, pacing and screaming into bitingly sarcastic, yet polite and non-actionable letters and memos. This is often entertaining.
So, yeah. What you said, without the attorney part. Go You!
As a BA for an investment bank I can fully relate to that whole post. I was cracking up at my desk
as a junior copywriter, i come home feeling like shit eery day. now i know i have nothing to complain about. ;)
ps, write a book about it. it might help you say goodbye to the cupon cutting.
I hope I never do things to my secretary like you described. Great blog!
awesome post, found it via opinionista. i now will take activie steps to NEVER be like that to my secretary; it is highly uncalled for.
i wish you much luck and many blessings,
Legal Lane
I remember I used to give my old secretary work at around 10am. She would surf the internet all day, then give it back to me half done (and done wrong) at 4:58, too late to make her re-do it.
The secretary before that, I shared with a partner named "Charlie." Every time I asked her to do something, she was busy with something for "Charlie." One morning, I walked towards her station just to say "hi." Before I could get within 10 feet of her, she told me she was busy with "Charlie."
Needless to say, I have gotten very good at doing my own secretarial work.
I'm just curious, how did you know she surfed the internet all day? Huh? I'm not suggesting that there aren't secretaries out there who won't do work, who actively refuse -- I sit next to one, let's just call her Toto. But really, how could you know that she surfs the internet all day? The question about the motive of secretaries who do that is that either they are bored, their partners let them get away with it and/or probably encourage it. I know of one partner who yelled at an associate for giving client work to "their" secretary b/c this partner wanted her to finish writing out the envelopes for his Christmas cards. And I'm not sure who I feel sorrier for, the associate or the secretary? Imagine wanting to help someone get their work done but having to choose to sneak around doing it or just saying "I'm busy."
Hi - I also found you from Opionista. Love the site. I used to be a legal assistant, too, and your post is dead-on! I have been through your archives this week and I can really identify with a lot of your personality traits, especially the need to clean and work in private. I can NOT work or file if my boss is in town. I wait until he travels.
Anyway, best of luck to you. I enjoy reading your blog!
I'm a former lawyer who (briefly) worked as a practice manager at a white shoe firm. The secretaries were my best allies and almost the only people I could count on to actually know, remember or do anything. What a crazy and unpleasant place to work. I was just lucky enough that I found a way to get out of that loony bin.
Believe me, none of what you say surprises me, even though I worked at a fairly 'humane' firm, as such things go.
Oh, god, if only everyone could remember that they don't all start out as the top dog.
I have a pact with myself that no matter what job I have, I will be nice to everyone. I have done enough secretarial/receptionist work to realize that those people can save your ass or destroy you. And plus, why rack up all that bad karma?
This is probably more of a rant about the nature of the legal secretary thing - with each new case I wonder to myself 'how many days will I be bates numbering this time' and a related conundrum, does anyone else get that rash/reaction on their fingers from the glue on bates numbering bar codes?
I agree with the comments above RE the inane tasks that we are inevitably set.
On the lighter side, I once worked for a solicitor who was one of those guys who was convinced that everyone was fascinated in the things he was. As a consequence he'd regularly request that I look over his should as he played his latest computer game - civilisation 4 or battlefield 2 or whatever it happened to be that week - and this guy was 65 at the time.
"I'm just curious, how did you know she surfed the internet all day? Huh?"
Just about every time I walked by her station she would be surfing the internet. Honestly, most of the secretaries I met in law firms were lazy clock-watchers. Any good atitude they had to start with had been stomped out forever by abusive attorneys of which there are way too many.
I. Love. This!
I loved this post. I was a secretary for about a year and a half before I quite. This comments are SO on for anytime of "office bitch" position. Especially about being called a former secretary or wife's name, or doing personal crap. I loved the comment about dissapearing for 2 hours right before an important meeting... Then everyone blames you for their dissapearence!!! Ah. Gotta say the only way I made it through was remembering that they are crazy. Very very crazy. So I laugh as much as possible in the back of my head while they screamed....
The legal secretaries I encountered when I was a "floater" were really, really hard working women. Most of them never got on the internet at all, that I saw. I was the slacker among them. I respected that they took their work so seriously. It was impressive.
I am so glad I found this; this is so true. I have been a legal secretary for over 15 years and still trying to get out. I really can relate to the "tell him I am not here" phone thing and the "look at what I have for you to do at 5:00" and entering their time for the work that I did.
Hi
I like your style.
I am trying to set up a blog for UK legal secretarys. Would you be interested in doing a piece about legal work on your side of the pond?
contact me @
michiscute@yahoo.co.uk
I'm a legal secretary for two incredible criminal defense attorney's. I LOVE my job, but this is so funny to see someone has written a truthful blog about the adventures of working for attorney's.
I can't stop laughing. Thanks for the honest humor!!!
-Chelsea
I love your blog and can relate to all of your stories. I want to share my favorite experience with you.
An attorney that I work for has the adroable habit described in no. 6. This attorney was preparing for a trial and needed to know the name of the Judge on the bench the day of trial. In between preparing his jury instructions, trial exhibits, notebooks, and scheduling meetings with witnesses, I made at least five calls to the Clerk to find out when they were going to assign a Judge. After numerous conversations with this attorney about why I didn't know the name of the Judge yet, I get this email..."WHO IS MY JUDGE????????" To which I calmly respond with an explanation of how many calls I have made and that I cannot control when the Clerk's office will assign a Judge to his case. I follow this explanation with a sentence: "Oh, and be thankful that I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR."
Come join our new myspace page for legal secretaries/paralegals...actually anyone that works in the legal field.
www.myspace.com/legalsecretaries
so funny...
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