Baby Attorneys Are Cute
Yeah, I'm doing it again. I'm throwing another blog by a New Yorker at you. Catch this.
I'm not sure what exactly it is about them, but I find baby attorneys to be adorable. Maybe it's their cluelessness. Maybe it's the cluelessness combined with their $100K+ education. Maybe it's the cluelessness combined with knowing the top baby attorneys can earn in one month what some law firm receptionists earn in one year. Maybe it's the eager beaver attitude. Maybe it's that I feel so badly for the way they're treated by partners. Whatever it is, I like them. I think they're cute.
A baby attorney works in the office right across from my desk. Well, he's not a TRUE baby attorney, because he's been a lawyer for five long years, but he's close. Plus he's new to the firm. His last name is two syllables, starts with a "T", and the two partners he works for call him Tunafish. He fetches one of them lunch almost every day. Hey, at least I don't have to do it. I don't even bring them coffee (because it's not 1964). When it was time for his review I was the one typing in the edits, so I know the partners like him and think he does good work. Why they feel the need to endlessly tease him though, is beyond me. Because they can? Because it was done to them and they feel it's only fair and just they pass the torch?
I was in the Cowboy's office two days ago, chatting with him about the holiday cards. The other partner I work with wandered in, and the three of us started talking about how to parlay the holiday cards into a marketing opportunity. I made the outrageous suggestion that the two partners pick the top dozen clients, buy each of them a bottle of nice wine, and THROW AWAY AN ENTIRE DAY OF BILLING to go hand-deliver wine to those clients. On an average day, each of these guys bills nine hours. They bill out at $450. No, no, I'm the secretary - let me do the math for you. $8,100. That's right, that's how much money I was suggesting they NOT earn. Not to mention the cost of the wine, or the gas they'd demand the firm reimburse them for. It's a bit of a crazy suggestion; one I never would have tossed out five years ago. But I feel like I have a good handle on the Cowboy (wait, that sounds funny), and thought he'd go for it. He did, and so did the other partner.
Only problem? Not only did they decide Tunafish should come along, but he should dress up as Santa. No, wait, not Santa, an ELF! Yeah, yeah, make the new pledge dress up as an elf and parade him around town in green tights! Poor, poor baby attorneys.
Tunafish is such a nice guy, too. He has a very sweet wife and two adorable little girls. The cutest thing is hearing him on the phone with his almost-three-year-old when she's come home from pre-school, trying to talk with her about her day. When I first started at the firm, he'd quietly give me advice about the Cowboy and how to best communicate with him (voice mail over e-mail). He never rolls his eyes at his secretary, Loose Earlobe Lady, even when she's at her wackiest and I'm laughing hysterically. He does cute baby attorney things too. On Monday he was supposed to handle a big conference call for the Cowboy at 9am, and he asked me to come into work early that morning in case he needed help with the conference call. Because he was nervous something would go wrong. Since it was only 15 minutes, I found it cute. I'm sure if I'd had to set my alarm any earlier than it's regular time it wouldn't have been so cute.
Granted, I'm only at a mid-sized firm now. They pay the salary of a Big Firm, but I don't feel like I work at a factory. As much as my two partners may be on Tunafish, as far as I know he's never stayed past 8pm for them. Though during election time a couple of weeks ago, they did insist he go out campaigning for one of our clients. On the weekend. He couldn't bill the client for that time.
One of my friends from Florida was a baby attorney when we first met. Not a TRUE baby attorney, because she had a year or two under her belt, but she was new enough that on my first day of work she frantically asked me how to fax something. Despite the fact that I literally dropped what I was doing to help her, I couldn't move fast enough to ease her mind, because she was so worried one of the partners would come demanding to see a confirmation page before the fax machine had spit one out. She was treated like absolute shit by the guys we worked for. Every single day, they would order in lunch, and go sit at the dining room table in the Head Honcho's office overlooking the Atlantic. Every single day all the secretaries would huddle around the kitchen table eating the lunches we brought from home. My friend sat with us. Every day. Any time one of their clients got arrested and found themselves in jail in Miami, they'd send her. Even though she got tears in her eyes when she described how the guards made her take out her barrettes so they could feel through her hair. They bounced her check. Numerous times. Okay, they bounced mine too, but only once, and I made them pay the bank fee when they did it. They tried to get her to only take two weeks off after she delivered her baby. By c-section. After a high-risk pregnancy. It's sad that there's such a price to pay if you're a good attorney.
And since they paid her shit (less than $50K), we can't even console ourselves with the usual thought of "Tough shit if they treat her horribly, she's rolling in dough." Common misconception, about those high salaries. A year after my brother had passed the bar and was working for a big name law firm in San Francisco, I moved out here. I was shocked to learn that I had more disposable income than he did. Those higher taxes, combined with loan payments, 401K payments, etc.? It all adds up. We sat down and did the math once, and I really did have more cash each pay period than my brother. Those baby attorneys may be earning a lot, but they're not taking home that much money.
I can always tell when a baby attorney has ceased being a baby attorney. It's the moment they whip out a $100 bill and ask a group of secretaries which one of them has change for it.
Good luck to all the new baby attorneys who just passed the bar all over the country. For those of you who didn't pass, let me tell you about Ryan. He went to law school with my brother and moved out to S.F. when he did. Ryan went to the same BarBri class my brother did, they studied together, and yet somehow he failed the Bar. His firm did NOT fire him. They gave him four weeks off work to study full time, plus Ryan took all his vacation time for the entire year off as well. He took it a second time and passed.
I'm not sure what exactly it is about them, but I find baby attorneys to be adorable. Maybe it's their cluelessness. Maybe it's the cluelessness combined with their $100K+ education. Maybe it's the cluelessness combined with knowing the top baby attorneys can earn in one month what some law firm receptionists earn in one year. Maybe it's the eager beaver attitude. Maybe it's that I feel so badly for the way they're treated by partners. Whatever it is, I like them. I think they're cute.
A baby attorney works in the office right across from my desk. Well, he's not a TRUE baby attorney, because he's been a lawyer for five long years, but he's close. Plus he's new to the firm. His last name is two syllables, starts with a "T", and the two partners he works for call him Tunafish. He fetches one of them lunch almost every day. Hey, at least I don't have to do it. I don't even bring them coffee (because it's not 1964). When it was time for his review I was the one typing in the edits, so I know the partners like him and think he does good work. Why they feel the need to endlessly tease him though, is beyond me. Because they can? Because it was done to them and they feel it's only fair and just they pass the torch?
I was in the Cowboy's office two days ago, chatting with him about the holiday cards. The other partner I work with wandered in, and the three of us started talking about how to parlay the holiday cards into a marketing opportunity. I made the outrageous suggestion that the two partners pick the top dozen clients, buy each of them a bottle of nice wine, and THROW AWAY AN ENTIRE DAY OF BILLING to go hand-deliver wine to those clients. On an average day, each of these guys bills nine hours. They bill out at $450. No, no, I'm the secretary - let me do the math for you. $8,100. That's right, that's how much money I was suggesting they NOT earn. Not to mention the cost of the wine, or the gas they'd demand the firm reimburse them for. It's a bit of a crazy suggestion; one I never would have tossed out five years ago. But I feel like I have a good handle on the Cowboy (wait, that sounds funny), and thought he'd go for it. He did, and so did the other partner.
Only problem? Not only did they decide Tunafish should come along, but he should dress up as Santa. No, wait, not Santa, an ELF! Yeah, yeah, make the new pledge dress up as an elf and parade him around town in green tights! Poor, poor baby attorneys.
Tunafish is such a nice guy, too. He has a very sweet wife and two adorable little girls. The cutest thing is hearing him on the phone with his almost-three-year-old when she's come home from pre-school, trying to talk with her about her day. When I first started at the firm, he'd quietly give me advice about the Cowboy and how to best communicate with him (voice mail over e-mail). He never rolls his eyes at his secretary, Loose Earlobe Lady, even when she's at her wackiest and I'm laughing hysterically. He does cute baby attorney things too. On Monday he was supposed to handle a big conference call for the Cowboy at 9am, and he asked me to come into work early that morning in case he needed help with the conference call. Because he was nervous something would go wrong. Since it was only 15 minutes, I found it cute. I'm sure if I'd had to set my alarm any earlier than it's regular time it wouldn't have been so cute.
Granted, I'm only at a mid-sized firm now. They pay the salary of a Big Firm, but I don't feel like I work at a factory. As much as my two partners may be on Tunafish, as far as I know he's never stayed past 8pm for them. Though during election time a couple of weeks ago, they did insist he go out campaigning for one of our clients. On the weekend. He couldn't bill the client for that time.
One of my friends from Florida was a baby attorney when we first met. Not a TRUE baby attorney, because she had a year or two under her belt, but she was new enough that on my first day of work she frantically asked me how to fax something. Despite the fact that I literally dropped what I was doing to help her, I couldn't move fast enough to ease her mind, because she was so worried one of the partners would come demanding to see a confirmation page before the fax machine had spit one out. She was treated like absolute shit by the guys we worked for. Every single day, they would order in lunch, and go sit at the dining room table in the Head Honcho's office overlooking the Atlantic. Every single day all the secretaries would huddle around the kitchen table eating the lunches we brought from home. My friend sat with us. Every day. Any time one of their clients got arrested and found themselves in jail in Miami, they'd send her. Even though she got tears in her eyes when she described how the guards made her take out her barrettes so they could feel through her hair. They bounced her check. Numerous times. Okay, they bounced mine too, but only once, and I made them pay the bank fee when they did it. They tried to get her to only take two weeks off after she delivered her baby. By c-section. After a high-risk pregnancy. It's sad that there's such a price to pay if you're a good attorney.
And since they paid her shit (less than $50K), we can't even console ourselves with the usual thought of "Tough shit if they treat her horribly, she's rolling in dough." Common misconception, about those high salaries. A year after my brother had passed the bar and was working for a big name law firm in San Francisco, I moved out here. I was shocked to learn that I had more disposable income than he did. Those higher taxes, combined with loan payments, 401K payments, etc.? It all adds up. We sat down and did the math once, and I really did have more cash each pay period than my brother. Those baby attorneys may be earning a lot, but they're not taking home that much money.
I can always tell when a baby attorney has ceased being a baby attorney. It's the moment they whip out a $100 bill and ask a group of secretaries which one of them has change for it.
Good luck to all the new baby attorneys who just passed the bar all over the country. For those of you who didn't pass, let me tell you about Ryan. He went to law school with my brother and moved out to S.F. when he did. Ryan went to the same BarBri class my brother did, they studied together, and yet somehow he failed the Bar. His firm did NOT fire him. They gave him four weeks off work to study full time, plus Ryan took all his vacation time for the entire year off as well. He took it a second time and passed.
posted by Green at 11/25/2005 08:15:00 PM
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