Some Cycles Absolutely Suck

When I lived in Florida, I didn't really have many friends. At whatever job I was at, there were people I was friendly with, but nothing ever extended outside of work. I was very, very alone there. Often I would leave work on Fridays and not speak out loud again until Monday morning when I arrived back at work.

I remember going to visit my grandfather two towns over one weekend, and when he gave me a big hug I realized it had literally been MONTHS since anyone had touched me. I was a little shocked and horrified and depressed all rolled into the three seconds I hugged him back. I contemplated telling my grandfather what I was feeling, but decided against it. Anyone who's taken Psych 101 in college knows about the research regarding touch, and how healthy it is for people (and animals). Suffice it to say I was moved to go back to my Psych 101 book and read about those monkeys put in cages with nothing, the other monkeys put in cages with wires shaped like adult monkeys wrapped in fur, and the third set of monkeys put in cages with their mothers. You know the monkeys in cages alone failed to thrive, right?

Ever since then, I've been very aware of how much I touch with other people. It's not very much at all, to be honest. Because it's so infrequent, I am always surprised when someone goes to hug me. I turn into Sally Field, thinking "They want to hug me? ME? Really?!" Because I get surprised and a little uncomfortable, I'm sure on some level, I send that out subconsciously, and of course people react by not hugging or touching me. Vicious cycle.

That's about as far as I've gotten on this topic. If I were in therapy, it'd definitely be a subject to therapize.