Talking and Listening
People always say that if someone is depressed, they should talk about it. Talk it out. Talk, talk, talk. I don't want to talk. I love talking, but I hate people listening to me. The way they listen. Which is funny, because multiple times each day I resist the urge to scream, "Somebody! Just pay attention to me!" I do not get nearly enough attention. This is why people should have shrinks or therapists. Because what you want to do is talk to a friend. Because you trust them, you're comfortable with them. But if you told them all the crazy thoughts you have, and how often you think those thoughts, or how infrequently you're NOT thinking those thoughts, of course they wouldn't want to be friends with you anymore. And when one of the things that makes you want to kill yourself is not feeling like you have enough people who care about you, you know talking to friends about your problems would be social suicide.
I don't want to talk. I want to solve. I want to not need to talk. If talking doesn't solve, it's just complaining. Venting. Whatever. You know why else talking sucks? Because it involves another person. And when their suggestion won't work and you explain why, that person never takes it well.
I don't want to talk. I get that people ask because they care. The caring? Appreciate it a thousand times over. More than I can express. But what you need to know is that sometimes I need a break from it. It keeps me up at night. If my eyes are closed I will swear to you that something physical is truly pressing down on my chest and that's why it's hard to breathe. Sometimes I need to be distracted. Sure, there are some people in denial about their situations. I am not one of those people. I never forget. It's simply that I don't know how to fix it.
You know how when a baby wants to be picked up they look up at you and hold their arms up? That's how I feel. I can't fix this. I can't make it better. I need someone else to, because I can't. But if you're not going to, don't talk to me about it. Because yes, I'm registered with every temp agency in the city. Yes, I already looked into it, and I qualify for neither welfare nor foodstamps. Yes, I saw that job on Craigslist and applied for it. Yes I check these other websites daily. Really, I'm on it.
I don't want to talk. I know you care. I just need a break. Let's talk about you. What's going on with your life? How are YOU? I want to listen. I'm great at listening. What would you like to tell me about you?
I don't want to talk. I want to solve. I want to not need to talk. If talking doesn't solve, it's just complaining. Venting. Whatever. You know why else talking sucks? Because it involves another person. And when their suggestion won't work and you explain why, that person never takes it well.
I don't want to talk. I get that people ask because they care. The caring? Appreciate it a thousand times over. More than I can express. But what you need to know is that sometimes I need a break from it. It keeps me up at night. If my eyes are closed I will swear to you that something physical is truly pressing down on my chest and that's why it's hard to breathe. Sometimes I need to be distracted. Sure, there are some people in denial about their situations. I am not one of those people. I never forget. It's simply that I don't know how to fix it.
You know how when a baby wants to be picked up they look up at you and hold their arms up? That's how I feel. I can't fix this. I can't make it better. I need someone else to, because I can't. But if you're not going to, don't talk to me about it. Because yes, I'm registered with every temp agency in the city. Yes, I already looked into it, and I qualify for neither welfare nor foodstamps. Yes, I saw that job on Craigslist and applied for it. Yes I check these other websites daily. Really, I'm on it.
I don't want to talk. I know you care. I just need a break. Let's talk about you. What's going on with your life? How are YOU? I want to listen. I'm great at listening. What would you like to tell me about you?
Labels: Overthinking, Potential Depth, Rage Against the Green, Therapizing, Write Now
posted by Green at 10/17/2008 05:05:00 PM
10 Comments:
I am feeling very similar. All this talky talky. Can we just not talk sometimes? I should really answer my phone alot more...but it is so exhausting to chat.
I am such a hermit it is probably dangerous.
Since you ask. I'm on the rag. Mikael's working tomorrow, so I'll be left alone with my two children, when I'd really rather be left alone to surf porn. Just kidding. Maybe. Also, I just made my own exfoliator. Am silky smooth. Also, I just found an engraved pen that I got when I graduated high school, and thought I'd lost years ago. Also, I'm really itching to do something creative, but I don't seem to know where to start.
I'd like to tell you that I miss my cat for that exact reason...someone to talk to who won't talk the fuck back.
And THAT is one of those things you can't tell friends because then you're the crazy cat lady friend. Yup. Feel ya, homie.
Wow...I don´t have words enough to express what I feel after reading you.
I´ve thousands of times felt like you. I need to talk but I need someone to help me fixing it, not just "listening".
All I can tell you is that you have to find that person, that special and unique person that will fix it, or let the time fixes it. It´s said that it fixes everything...
Sorry for my English( I don´t dominate it yet...)
If you need something, I´ll be there.
Best wishes,
Maky
lasuperbichito@hotmail.com
What I want to tell you about me is that when I felt like you do, therapy AND meds saved my life. I'm thinking it's possible that in your current situation getting to a doctor might not be possible, financially, but if it is...do. You have very good situational reasons to be depressed, but that doesn't mean you don't have a right to feel better, either.
Also, what you say about friends and talking is spot on. I remember when I went into therapy for the first time when I was in my last 20s, my best friend was very upset. She said she felt as if she'd failed me. I told her she was being ridiculous, that what I needed--and badly--was someone I could talk to without having to a) worry about how they might take what I was saying and b) ask them how THEY felt. You're supposed to be self-centered in therapy...and that's often exactly what you need.
Take care, hon.
Green, reading this really made me want to cry, which as you know is not that unusual. I’ve felt the way you feel a million times, you know this because you read my blog. All I can say to you is that if you don’t want to talk you should try writing it down. I see writing as an alternate way of talking, and the good part is that if you’re using a notebook no one is going to write back, talk back.
I know exactly how you feel. I just want you to know, for what it’s worth, that you are not alone and that things will get better.
my heart is broken. call me if you want to talk about that.
I'm trapped in my house all alone with a tv and a laptop and a stack of takeout menus.
I no longer have anything to talk about because nothing new has happened to me for four days.
I'm having Mexican take-out for dinner. I can't seem to finish watching the Indiana Jones movie even though it's due at the video store.
That's me. And now, I'm thinking about you.
I'm thinking of you...
As for me, I just got stood up by a guy who decided to go pumpkin picking with his guy friends instead of dinner with me like he was supposed to, and did not bother to call until I sent him a nasty text...So I'm sitting at home, alone with my dog, like every other night, watching crappy tv and eating soup...And I could not feel more like an old maid...
you done or are you still break-ing? Notice I don't ask how you are doing or if you want to talk about it.
Because I'm THAT good and obedient.
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