I Could Panic
Because oh my god i just met up with my very first roommate I ever had when I moved to San Francisco and I was 27 and she was dating like a mofo sometimes two dates in one day and I never saw anyone throw themselves into a project as persistently as she did, complete with hiring a matchmaker and everything and then she moved out because she decided to buy a house with her older sister who is a doctor and was also single and they were going to be two spinster sisters together and we made jokes about rounding up cats for them.
Naturally we found each other again on Facebook because that's where everybody finds everybody else these days and she was listed as married and it turns out she works right near where I live so we agreed to meet today at Starbucks and two hours before meeting all I wanted was to go to sleep and nap because the idea of having to see someone whose life is so clearly marching forward while mine is so pathetic that having to pay for a drink will throw my sparse budget into a tailspin really did not appeal to me but I totally rallied and put on what my friend Beth would call a boobie shirt but what other people would just call a shirt that fits rather than an oversized tshirt which is pretty much part of my normal uniform.
I was running late and so I rushed and then wound up there early and was on the phone with my brother when she came up to me and she was wearing this big white shirt and she is PREGNANT and I got off the phone right quick and we hugged and I don't know why I always get so outrageously uncomfortable and nervous before meeting up with people - she is so nice and warm and easy to talk with and she insisted on buying my hot chocolate which was so happy and unexpected and then we sat down to talk and not only is she happily married and knocked up but so is her older sister the doctor.
The doctor actually gave up on finding someone to marry and went and bought sperm and had IVF or whatever and got knocked up and when she was six months pregnant she met a guy and they got engaged and then her IVF baby was born and then she and the guy had a baby and they are getting married in less than a year and she is happy now and I am so happy for her because she was such an angry person when I last knew her and I wonder if everyone sees me as some sad angry person and if I am in fact a sad angry person and if I am maybe I should get some donated sperm and knock myself up except that I'm not a doctor and can't afford to be a single parent and wouldn't be a good parent without having help anyway so no never mind this is a terrible idea.
My point is while I'm happy, very happy for my former roommate (I did not ever blog about her - she is the roommate I had before Cagney), I wonder if I am destined to be single and without a family forever and when I truly fully think about that it upsets me so much that I need to throw myself on my bed and cry hysterically except I can't do that now because it would freak 9am out and I would be embarrassed but holy shit am I going to really have a life like I say, where I will just be a great aunt to any kids Crazy Girl and Golden Boy wind up having but always be the third wheel to everyone and holy shit should i start collecting cats now to work on becoming a proper Crazy Cat Lady and do I really have to wear floor-length skirts to be a spinster?
Labels: City Livin, Crazy Girl, Future Green, Golden Boy, Rage Against the Green, Therapizing
posted by Green at 8/13/2008 09:27:00 PM
7 Comments:
I feel like this every other day, and usually when I talk to my old best friend who's first or second question is always, "so, how about that guy you're dating? Anything to tell me?" or "Are you seeing anyone?" On the days opposite those, or when I'm out and about with no obligations to anyone, I feel much better.
Holy shit - you just got Mama Nabi stamp of approval for rambling gazillion miles per hour in perfectly timed run-on sentences.
Brava, Green.
FYI - I'm way ahead you. I have 2 cats.
I used to feel that way too. Then I imported a man from San Fran for myself. So see, you're a step ahead of me. You live in The City of Perfect Boys. There are tons of them there, they're sweet, shop at Trader Joes, know how to do things on computers, are nerdy and cool at the same time, love strong women, are politically correct and watch the Daily Show and always listen to cool music on their ipods. A lot of them do yoga and can cook and all of them want a girlfriend and a family and would help with the baby. And one of them is writing on his blog right now how he is lonely and will never find anyone either.
Becareful with this thought process. I made a similar argument and ran to the alter with sub-standard male and birthed three sons.
I think the healthy way to approach this is to put your best foot forward, meet and network as many people possible.
In hindsight, I do wish that I worked on getting over "meeting" people. I was always fine, once the ice was broken, but I can't help but wonder how many choices I limited myself waiting for someone else to break the ice. Y'know?
You are much better at being happy for people than I am. Don't tell anyone I said that.
Hey, I know we hardly know each other. But I think we might be soulmates.
Hey, I just read this old post "I Could Panic" and wanted to let you know that I felt the same way for a long time after I moved to San Francisco: lonely and exhausted. But then I got into a cab after a long day at work and my whole life changed. I ended up having a great conversation with the driver, which turned into a date the next night, and, long story short, two years later we're engaged. So, my point is: you never know. A relationship isn't the be-all and end-all, but in general, the biggest thing to ever happen to you could be right around the corner.
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