Shiny Happy Posts
Are on hold. Because I'm neither shiny nor happy these days. I am so stressed about having to pay my $3,000 rent, not having a roommate, being cold all the time, dealing with residual Steamroller issues, needing a job, still being sick, going further and further into debt while working this temp job. I am positive that all this stress is part of what's keeping me sick.
Today is the last day of my dog-sitting and it was so hard to come to work this rainy morning. I just wanted to stay home and cuddle with the pooch.
I have concluded that I should not have a dog, which makes me so sad that I'm tearing up at my desk just writing that, because it hurts so much. Maybe it's because the weight of the world is on me right now that I am constantly worrying about the dog, even while I'm enjoying her being around. "Is she cold? Should I turn on the heat for her? My fingers are frozen; she must be cold. But she's got her fur - dogs can play in snow and be fine, maybe she's fine. Why does she keep jumping around every time I get up? Does she need something? Oh god, while I was holding her in my lap to dry her from our walk in the rain, she head-butted me in the chin and I yelled "Ow" and now she's gone totally limp. What if she's knocked out? Oh good, she's fine, she just feels bad that she hurt me. Now I feel bad that she feels bad. I still love her. Let me give her a treat. No wait, I can't reward her for hurting me..."
It's not healthy to live in a constant state of worry and nervousness. And granted, maybe it would be different if it were my own dog, or she weren't away from home. I know when she goes back to her home tonight my house will feel so much quieter. And it will take me a couple of days to stop looking down when I walk, to remember that I don't have to take care to avoid tripping over the dog or stepping on her.
I wish I could be the type of person who didn't worry all the time, about everything. But I will not be surprised if I wake up dead tomorrow, having died from stress.
Today is the last day of my dog-sitting and it was so hard to come to work this rainy morning. I just wanted to stay home and cuddle with the pooch.
I have concluded that I should not have a dog, which makes me so sad that I'm tearing up at my desk just writing that, because it hurts so much. Maybe it's because the weight of the world is on me right now that I am constantly worrying about the dog, even while I'm enjoying her being around. "Is she cold? Should I turn on the heat for her? My fingers are frozen; she must be cold. But she's got her fur - dogs can play in snow and be fine, maybe she's fine. Why does she keep jumping around every time I get up? Does she need something? Oh god, while I was holding her in my lap to dry her from our walk in the rain, she head-butted me in the chin and I yelled "Ow" and now she's gone totally limp. What if she's knocked out? Oh good, she's fine, she just feels bad that she hurt me. Now I feel bad that she feels bad. I still love her. Let me give her a treat. No wait, I can't reward her for hurting me..."
It's not healthy to live in a constant state of worry and nervousness. And granted, maybe it would be different if it were my own dog, or she weren't away from home. I know when she goes back to her home tonight my house will feel so much quieter. And it will take me a couple of days to stop looking down when I walk, to remember that I don't have to take care to avoid tripping over the dog or stepping on her.
I wish I could be the type of person who didn't worry all the time, about everything. But I will not be surprised if I wake up dead tomorrow, having died from stress.
Labels: I'm Hurt, Overthinking, Rage Against the Green
posted by Green at 1/24/2008 11:11:00 AM
4 Comments:
The days are getting longer, and the worst of the rains will be over in a month or so. This cold snap should be over tomorrow. Soon daffodils will be blooming and things will be better. Breathe Practice yoga at home maybe.
Hi, Green. Yeah - you're overthinking - I do it too, and it does lead to stress. I hope you'll take the time to do some things to alleviate the stress. Soaking your feet in a tub of hot water with baking soda helps to draw out the toxins, and will make you feel better. Cook yourself something very tasty, and enjoy that fully! Be around nature - that has a healing effect. You'll be okay - but it takes a bit of self-care. The weather probably does have a lot to do with it, too. I would be glad to loan you some money - but you'd probably stress yourself out about paying it back!
Hang in there, Green! This too shall pass. Please don't die from stress--we enjoy reading about your LIFE!
Hope you find a decent roommate... when's the lease over? ICK! Your rent is almost double my mortgage! Hey, YOU wannna move up here? :-D
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