Fat and Homely (With a LIttle Stupidity)

For the first time ever, I just watched Cold Case. Umm... I guess I should say there'll be spoilers. There'll be spoilers.

So, this episode disgusted me over and over with the messages it sends about fat women. And before you say it, yes, I know. It's entirely possible, and hell, even probable, that CBS wasn't trying to "send a message" with this show. They were probably just trying to make a show that would get ratings. Or viewers. Or both. Or whatever it is that tv stations try to do these days. None the less, I walked away focusing on some depressing shit. (Negative press is still press, I know.)

Here's the overall episode:

Fat, mildly homely woman ('FMHW') who has a penchant for reading romance novels goes to a video-dating service in the hopes of finding a man. She believes in love. It can come at any time. You could be sitting on a park bench, reading a book, and love will find you. Tall, dark and handsome man ('TDHM') expresses interest in her video, and it's all her dreams come true. They meet, and begin dating. Two weeks into their relationship, she and her (traditionally pretty) roommate come home to find the guy stealing her tv.

FMHW is SO desperate to continue having relationship with tall, dark and handsome thief that she begs him, when he says it's over to stay involved with her. In any way he's willing.

Let's pause right there for a moment, yes? And let's pretend, even though we know it's not, that it's reality. If you were fat and mildly homely, and the FIRST time you threw yourself out there, you bagged a hot guy who just so happened to be a thief, wouldn't you try again, this time hoping to find a hot guy who didn't steal? I would. The odds are good. A hot thief could happen to a pretty girl. I'd consider the stealing a fluke and try again. Why was she so desperate to hold on to the very first guy she'd tried for and gotten?

Oh wait, did I say she was desperate? Because that doesn't even BEGIN to describe the lows she's willing to go to. FMHW proposes to TDHM that he marry other fat and homely women. Why? Because they KNOW they're so fat and homely that there's little to no hope for them ever having a man take care of them, and that's why all fat and homely women have secret stashes.

Okay, for any men reading this, I just want to be very clear: I have no stash. No drug stash, no cash stash. I do have a Chapstick stash, but you wouldn't be rich if you killed me for that, just pathetic (with really smooth lips). Oh, and a murderer. Shouldn't forget that part. You'd be a pathetic murderer with really smooth lips.

Moving along. TDHM claims marrying fat women won't work for him. Divorce can be so messy, spousal support and all. But don't feel bad for him, because FMHW comes up with an even better idea. Marry them, and then promptly get rid of them. TDHM agrees. Because he wants the secret stash FMHW convinces him all fat women have.

Pausing yet again. Let's put aside that fat women are expendable. That they're just good for whatever money they can bring to a relationship. That all women have to give men is their looks. HELLO?! The implication that fat women would jump at any chance to be with a hot guy, no matter his morals, no matter anything else about him but his looks, disgusts me. What about how he treats other people? Whether or not he has good work ethics? Is nice to animals and old ladies? Clean fingernails? There's just so much more to a guy than how he looks! The idea that there's not, really pisses me off.

Am I the only person who thinks a person's looks get better or worse based on their personality? In seventh grade Jason Stein spent our social studies periods throwing spitballs in my hair for months at a time. And you know what? Despite the fact that I'd had a crush on him since I first saw him back in fifth grade, I let that feeling go. Because how could I like someone who was mean? If I continued to like him, I'd have to hate myself. You can't like someone who's mean to you without compromising your own self esteem.

So the two come up with a plan. He hooks other fat chicks, she pretends to be his sister. He marries said fat chicks at a quickie ceremony, then the next day, FMHW kills them by running them over with a truck. After killing five or so women, she magically grows a conscience and tells TDHM she can't do it any more. The guilt is too much.

You'd think seeing him fake being in love with all these other women would be too much too, but no. You'd think a lot of things during the commercials, but then realize it's just a tv show and you're getting way too worked up about it.

When FMHW tells TDHM she wants out, he realizes he can't let her walk away with all this knowledge of illegal things he's done. So he offers to marry her. Keeping your enemies close and all. FMHW finally has one small moment of clarity and realizes he always proposes to women when he's ready to get rid of them, when he's gotten all he can out of them.

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I won't spoil the end for you, though I can't imagine anyone actually Tivo's this show, but just in case. However, by now I think you've seen what my problems are with this. I have several friends who are not traditionally thin and pretty, and yet are married and happy. And they're not married to ugly guys.

When I was in college, one of the very few projects I actually did was for a Business Management class, and I chose the topic of sexual harrassment. To go along with my report, I created a little quiz (I was reading a lot of Cosmo back then) entitled "Would You Recognize Sexual Harrassment If It Slapped You On the Ass?"

After reading my report to the class, and handing out the quiz, I asked if anyone had any questions. A girl actually asked me, "So we take this quiz to see if we're being sexually harrassed?" My jaw dropped. I struggled to find words to answer such a question. "No, you know you're being sexually harrassed if your situation fits the definition of sexual harrassment printed at the top of the quiz." It was clear she wasn't clear.

Now, you might say she had learning disabilities, and that's why she had a hard time understanding the concept of sexual harrassment. You'd think since I have them, I'd be forgiving. But you'd be wrong. See, in general, people are either auditory learners or visual learners or tactile learners or some combination. She'd gotten the first two. Fuck it, you'll just have to take my word for it - this girl was stupid, okay? She just was.

To think that she'd be a better "catch" simply because she was neither fat nor homely, despite her stupidity? No way. That's an insult to my friends who aren't traditionally perfect. And no, I'm not saying my friends are fat and homely, because they're not. My friends are beautiful. Partially because they are, and partially because their personalities make them that way. I am however saying that there's more to people than their looks. And anyone who can't see that is stupid.