Thank You
I remember spending at least one entire session (if not more) with my stupid shrink discussing how I was uncomfortable with attention, even compliments. My parents tried to drill into me that any time someone gave me a compliment I should "smile and say thank you." Now, even when a compliment makes me cry, I smile through the tears while thanking the person.
While I was in hebrew school, we had some award ceremony one time. My brother was there too, and my mother had volunteered to help the rabbi hand out the awards. Every single kid got one. We were called up to the bimah one by one, handed the award, and supposed to go back to our seats. After we got home from that, my mother said she'd noticed my brother and I were the only kids to have thanked her. I was shocked. Surely the other kids knew this basic rule - thank anyone who hands you something.
I'm quite good with thanking people for saying or doing something for me. However. I really am awful at thanking people for gifts. Someone will leave something for me, I'll find it, appreciate it, totally enjoy it, know I should thank them, and then .... not do it. Why? What the hell is wrong with me? I fuck it up so often.
When I lived in Florida I had a boss who had his co-worker/friend give me a gift card to a department store for Administrative Assistant's Day, because he was out of the office. I went home that night, whipped out my stationery, and promptly wrote him a thank you note. The next morning it was sitting in his In Box before he arrived at the office. After I saw him walk by me, I assumed he saw my thank you note since he'd spent a few minutes in his office. We talked about some work things that had come up.
An hour later he came up to me and asked if Kathy had given me an envelope from him. I turned to him with a huge smile. "Yes, thank you!" He nodded, mumbling "You're welcome" and walked off. I was confused. What had I done wrong? How had I managed to screw this up?
I had not gone to him in person to tell him thank you when I first saw him face-to-face. After some frantic e-mails to my father and brother, I sent my boss a carefully crafted e-mail explaining that when he'd come up to me, I thought he'd already seen the thank you note I'd left in his In Box. I hadn't realized other people had tossed things on top of it. It ended with an apology and a hearty re-thanking. He fired me. Not right then, and not for that of course, but it certainly soured him on me, and just added to my feeling of being a social retard.
Amazingly enough, I've managed to recreate this mistake several times since. But I think that's all about to change.
A co-worker of mine is not well off, and last weekend as I was cleaning out some drawers, I put aside some things for her that I knew she'd like (and would feel relatively comfortable getting from me). When I got to work Monday morning, I put a bag on her chair. After I knew she'd arrived (I got to work a whole FIVE minutes early, a record for me since moving), I went to say hello, assuming she'd say something about what I'd left for her. Nothing. A couple of hours later, I had to go to her again for workstuff. Again, nothing. What the fuck? Where's my thank you, bitch?! I thought of you during my weekend. I moved the bag with your stuff from the corner on the floor to my bedroom doorknob because I was concerned I'd forget it in the morning rush to get out of the house. I was careful to make sure nothing fell out while getting on and off two different buses.
It took until 2:31 p.m. to get an acknowledgment - an e-mailed thank you comprised of six words. It made me feel really bad. Like never doing anything nice for her again. It made me think all sorts of mean things. But mostly it made me realize "This must be how people think of me when I don't thank them promptly after they've given me something." I know, duh. I'm old enough that I shouldn't need to personally experience something in order to be able to guess how the other person might feel, and act appropriately.
Please send me a present right away, so I can test this theory. I'm sure you'll agree that's the best method of making sure I've really learned the lesson.
While I was in hebrew school, we had some award ceremony one time. My brother was there too, and my mother had volunteered to help the rabbi hand out the awards. Every single kid got one. We were called up to the bimah one by one, handed the award, and supposed to go back to our seats. After we got home from that, my mother said she'd noticed my brother and I were the only kids to have thanked her. I was shocked. Surely the other kids knew this basic rule - thank anyone who hands you something.
I'm quite good with thanking people for saying or doing something for me. However. I really am awful at thanking people for gifts. Someone will leave something for me, I'll find it, appreciate it, totally enjoy it, know I should thank them, and then .... not do it. Why? What the hell is wrong with me? I fuck it up so often.
When I lived in Florida I had a boss who had his co-worker/friend give me a gift card to a department store for Administrative Assistant's Day, because he was out of the office. I went home that night, whipped out my stationery, and promptly wrote him a thank you note. The next morning it was sitting in his In Box before he arrived at the office. After I saw him walk by me, I assumed he saw my thank you note since he'd spent a few minutes in his office. We talked about some work things that had come up.
An hour later he came up to me and asked if Kathy had given me an envelope from him. I turned to him with a huge smile. "Yes, thank you!" He nodded, mumbling "You're welcome" and walked off. I was confused. What had I done wrong? How had I managed to screw this up?
I had not gone to him in person to tell him thank you when I first saw him face-to-face. After some frantic e-mails to my father and brother, I sent my boss a carefully crafted e-mail explaining that when he'd come up to me, I thought he'd already seen the thank you note I'd left in his In Box. I hadn't realized other people had tossed things on top of it. It ended with an apology and a hearty re-thanking. He fired me. Not right then, and not for that of course, but it certainly soured him on me, and just added to my feeling of being a social retard.
Amazingly enough, I've managed to recreate this mistake several times since. But I think that's all about to change.
A co-worker of mine is not well off, and last weekend as I was cleaning out some drawers, I put aside some things for her that I knew she'd like (and would feel relatively comfortable getting from me). When I got to work Monday morning, I put a bag on her chair. After I knew she'd arrived (I got to work a whole FIVE minutes early, a record for me since moving), I went to say hello, assuming she'd say something about what I'd left for her. Nothing. A couple of hours later, I had to go to her again for workstuff. Again, nothing. What the fuck? Where's my thank you, bitch?! I thought of you during my weekend. I moved the bag with your stuff from the corner on the floor to my bedroom doorknob because I was concerned I'd forget it in the morning rush to get out of the house. I was careful to make sure nothing fell out while getting on and off two different buses.
It took until 2:31 p.m. to get an acknowledgment - an e-mailed thank you comprised of six words. It made me feel really bad. Like never doing anything nice for her again. It made me think all sorts of mean things. But mostly it made me realize "This must be how people think of me when I don't thank them promptly after they've given me something." I know, duh. I'm old enough that I shouldn't need to personally experience something in order to be able to guess how the other person might feel, and act appropriately.
Please send me a present right away, so I can test this theory. I'm sure you'll agree that's the best method of making sure I've really learned the lesson.
posted by Green at 3/11/2007 11:13:00 PM
5 Comments:
Green:
My 3 cents: 1st cent: If you give a gift - truly give a gift - you shouldn't expect thanks, the thanks is in the giving.
2d cent: Maybe it was embarrassing to her to receive a gift b/c it reminds her that she's poor.
3rd cent: You have manners. It's unfortunate that others don't.
'nuff said
Katie
My sister-in-law is a non-thank-you and a no-acknowlegment receiver. Not a word about her wedding gift from us. We do now get a thank you note for Christmas stuff to her--but MONTHS LATER (this year it was in her Valentines card)!! Each Christmas I angrily spend less on her than anyone else in my husband's family. It's very difficult to get beyond--but I know that I should.
I'll send you some pretend presents so you can role play and practice.
Here, imagine opening a big box tied with a green bow, a real satin bow. Inside there are a bunch of real peonies that smell good, a china tea pot and some tea that you like, the hat of your dreams whatever that may be, and a cashmere sweater that fits perfectly and some very nice cupcakes.
I wish I could send these things for real.
Dear SW,
Thank you so much for the beautiful presents! I was so excited to imagine seeing such an extravagently wrapped box. The flowers look very cheerful in my new place, I didn't have a tea pot before so it's perfect timing, the tea and cupcakes were a fabulous snack, and I've gotten multiple compliments on both the hat and sweater.
Please feel warmed at the thought of the hug I'd give you. Hope to see you soon, and please send my best to Mr. Subservient. Thanks again!
Love,
Green
Lack of thank yous (notes and/or verbal) are a definite pet peeve of mine. That being said, I do tend to agree with the person who said we shouldn't EXPECT thank yous. But, people should give them.
As far as your coworker, is it possible the gift made her a little uncomfortable, and she didn't quite know what to say?
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