Introspection
I stumbled across a blog a few months ago and because the person was a New Yorker, I started, and kept reading. Turns out she's about my age, from Long Island, Jewish, etc. In those ways, she's my kind of people. Except she's very much a JAP. I'm not. At all. I can't even fake it.
To people who aren't familiar with them, at first I seem like one. Sure, I can get my hair blown out straight sometimes. But that's pretty much where it ends. My Anne Klein watch is from Watch World. My manicure? What manicure? I polish my own nails. The only thing I own that comes from Tiffany is personalized stationery that was a high school graduation gift. Europe? Never been. Cabo San Lucas? Again, never been.
I grew up less than 30 miles from Manhattan, but can count on two hands the times my parents took me into the city during the 20 years I lived in New York. That's not a slam on them. Maybe they didn't think I was well enough behaved, maybe they thought I had no interest, maybe they didn't have the interest, money or time, who knows. It just didn't happen, and I've found out other kids were taken frequently to the city by their parents.
To me, fancy is buying from the Gap at full price and not waiting for something to go on clearance. I've never owned anything by Ferragamo or Coach.
It's a different world from the one I live in. It's one I can't enter. Not just because most high end designers don't make clothes in my size, but because although I'm too prissy to go camping, I'm also not comfortable being too fancy either. Some days I wish I had fancy things. But I do have a few, and to be honest, I almost never wear them. My gold jewelry sits untouched for the most part.
This girl whose blog I've been reading probably wears a lot of jewelry. She wrote a book, and a month or so ago I found it in Borders and read it. It made me sad. It made me feel bad about myself. She put down a lot of things that make me, me. She's going on a book tour and will be in San Francisco.
Something on her blog inspired me to comment recently, and she sent me an e-mail encouraging me to come to her book signing and sort of suggesting we get together. I won't be buying her book. I already read it, and it made me question stupid little things about myself. And, as I said above, it made me feel bad. Like there's this fabulous life some people have but I never will. Even though I KNOW that's not the right life for me, I want the opportunities to have that life, even if I were to turn it away. Now I'm over it.
I was talking with someone recently about this and asked if it's in bad taste to go to someone's book signing to meet them without buying their book. It was suggested that I go just for the reading. I was considering that until I realized that I HATE having people read to me. Ever since I could read I've hated it. People read too slowly for me. I can't listen that slowly. It would be stupid for me to go to a book reading, especially when I didn't like how the book left me feeling, and I think the person would make me feel that same way. So I'll not be going.
I suppose some people may look at all this and conclude that I'm simply jealous. Do I want a book deal? No. Do I want someone who routinely offers book deals to tell me I'm such a great writer that if I would accept, they'd offer me one? Yes. But I know my writing is not on that level, and that's okay. To get a book deal you either have to be a phenomenal writer or have a phenomenal life. Neither apply to me. Plus, I don't have the discipline to write a book. Hell, in just writing this blog entry I've considered doing other things three times.
It's not so much that I want what other people have. It's more that I wish I could be sure that if I DID have what others had, I'd know what to do with it, and I'd do it well. I'm jealous of other people's confidence. This reminds me of when my mother told me my grandmother told her "There was a man who was sad he had no shoes, until he saw a man who had no feet."
So I'm going to stop thinking about what made me feel badly. Instead I'm going to go outside and appreciate the world. Wow, that sounds all deep and noble. The truth is I'm just going to go outside and head to Trader Joe's. But I will appreciate knowing how to get there, and having money to buy food there.
To people who aren't familiar with them, at first I seem like one. Sure, I can get my hair blown out straight sometimes. But that's pretty much where it ends. My Anne Klein watch is from Watch World. My manicure? What manicure? I polish my own nails. The only thing I own that comes from Tiffany is personalized stationery that was a high school graduation gift. Europe? Never been. Cabo San Lucas? Again, never been.
I grew up less than 30 miles from Manhattan, but can count on two hands the times my parents took me into the city during the 20 years I lived in New York. That's not a slam on them. Maybe they didn't think I was well enough behaved, maybe they thought I had no interest, maybe they didn't have the interest, money or time, who knows. It just didn't happen, and I've found out other kids were taken frequently to the city by their parents.
To me, fancy is buying from the Gap at full price and not waiting for something to go on clearance. I've never owned anything by Ferragamo or Coach.
It's a different world from the one I live in. It's one I can't enter. Not just because most high end designers don't make clothes in my size, but because although I'm too prissy to go camping, I'm also not comfortable being too fancy either. Some days I wish I had fancy things. But I do have a few, and to be honest, I almost never wear them. My gold jewelry sits untouched for the most part.
This girl whose blog I've been reading probably wears a lot of jewelry. She wrote a book, and a month or so ago I found it in Borders and read it. It made me sad. It made me feel bad about myself. She put down a lot of things that make me, me. She's going on a book tour and will be in San Francisco.
Something on her blog inspired me to comment recently, and she sent me an e-mail encouraging me to come to her book signing and sort of suggesting we get together. I won't be buying her book. I already read it, and it made me question stupid little things about myself. And, as I said above, it made me feel bad. Like there's this fabulous life some people have but I never will. Even though I KNOW that's not the right life for me, I want the opportunities to have that life, even if I were to turn it away. Now I'm over it.
I was talking with someone recently about this and asked if it's in bad taste to go to someone's book signing to meet them without buying their book. It was suggested that I go just for the reading. I was considering that until I realized that I HATE having people read to me. Ever since I could read I've hated it. People read too slowly for me. I can't listen that slowly. It would be stupid for me to go to a book reading, especially when I didn't like how the book left me feeling, and I think the person would make me feel that same way. So I'll not be going.
I suppose some people may look at all this and conclude that I'm simply jealous. Do I want a book deal? No. Do I want someone who routinely offers book deals to tell me I'm such a great writer that if I would accept, they'd offer me one? Yes. But I know my writing is not on that level, and that's okay. To get a book deal you either have to be a phenomenal writer or have a phenomenal life. Neither apply to me. Plus, I don't have the discipline to write a book. Hell, in just writing this blog entry I've considered doing other things three times.
It's not so much that I want what other people have. It's more that I wish I could be sure that if I DID have what others had, I'd know what to do with it, and I'd do it well. I'm jealous of other people's confidence. This reminds me of when my mother told me my grandmother told her "There was a man who was sad he had no shoes, until he saw a man who had no feet."
So I'm going to stop thinking about what made me feel badly. Instead I'm going to go outside and appreciate the world. Wow, that sounds all deep and noble. The truth is I'm just going to go outside and head to Trader Joe's. But I will appreciate knowing how to get there, and having money to buy food there.
posted by Green at 10/01/2006 10:39:00 AM
9 Comments:
Some very wise words indeed... Course, now you have me all curious as to who you were reading. ;)
It's okay to just go to a bookstore at the same time as a reading, but just browse the books and leave when you like. That way, if you decide you are interested, you could sit down and stay for the reading, or you could just look at the author and drift out when you're ready to go.
Wow! That author's theory about shopping carts is amazing in it's superficiality and utter stupidity. Based solely on that theory, mind you, this woman is what I refer to as a "meat". Thick (i.e., dim) and inconsequencial. No light penetrating there. As, for your insecurity about shopping carts, that's completely normal. I had two similar worries that I can think of that both passed in time. One was using a backpack while in college, and the other was using rolling luggage before everyone had it. In each case I feared bringing attention/ridicule to myself. In each case practicality won out with a little introspection(thankfully for my back!:). I think that a lot of those "worries" are associated with being single and self-focused (which is different from selfish). I was a loner-type single girl by choice, but the drawback for me was the self-consciousness thing.
Like walking into a place for the first time and being alone. You wonder how all these other people managed to walk in without looking like a fool and wish you didn't feel so foolish standing at the door trying to figure out which way to turn. But then, even if you knew exactly where you were going, with all those people looking at you, you could still get nervous and fall on your face.
That's what this post made me think of, anyway.
You know, I just love you. I love your writing. If I could offer you a book deal, I would, even though you'd turn it down.
stephen kings life was anything but fabulous. you have a fruitful imagination and a wit as dry as a martini made with sand.
all writers think of three other things they would rather be doing instead of writing.
write a novel. we will fnd a book deal.
Books, just like everything creative, evolve as they're being produced. You are creative and funny. You don't need to have the book completely outlined when you begin--just jump in! The most important piece of advice: don't compare your creative gift to someone else's. You've got polka dots, Stephen King has stripes, the JAP lady has zig-zags (you get the idea, right?). There is an audience for all of the types. I happen to like (and buy) polka dots and stripes.
I would probably go, lurk in the background, and check out what she was wearing and listen to her talk so I could get a feel for whether or not I had pegged her correctly. My curiosity would get the best of me.
Sometimes when I dread certain social situations, I enjoy that kind of anonymity and it makes me feel like I have an upper hand of sorts.
You're impressive and creative in your own way. You don't need a book tour to enlighten others.
I know exactly who you were reading and its a good thing you didnt mention her name or her book or you would have been faced with a blog bully very quickly. I made that mistake. She and her husband have google alerts on her name and whenever someone writes something they go nuts to defend her on other people's blogs. Why they would do this I have no clue. They are filthy rich, have everything in the world and are, I guess, just really tacky and insecure. I can't understand why they would care what some bloggers thought about her. It made me realize that they aren't the nice people that she makes them out to be on her blog at all. JAP was an understatement.
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