R-E-S-P-E-C-T
LEL very much wants me to respect her. Her age, the fact that she's been at this firm longer than I have, her intellect, her as a person, the fact that she's the mother of children who are my age, whatever reason I choose doesn't matter. She just wants me to respect her.
She wants me to show my respect by saying good morning to her in the mornings when I come in. No matter which of us arrives at work first. No matter if I walk in with Nice Partner - she'll go so far as to say good morning to him while ignoring me. Because I should say good morning to her. First. Then, and only then, will she respond in kind.
LEL wants me to show my respect for her by not getting upset that she never says thank you when I do anything that deserves a thank you. She wants me to show my respect for her by laughing at all her jokes, and being visibly impressed with all the obscure information she knows.
LEL wants me to be impressed with how involved she is at her temple, and to admit that she's more jewish than I am. (It's a jew-off!) LEL wants me to agree with all the cliches she uses. She wants me to admire her dedication in keeping her candy dish filled during business hours.
LEL wants me (and everyone else) to think she's oh so important, and that's why she often stays at her desk during her lunch hour. As if the Cowboy can't handle life without her for 60 minutes. LEL thinks whatever she is doing is so much more important than whatever anyone else might be doing, and has told every attorney who dares to use the printer she uses, any time she's printing something. As if they should be on the lookout for her document and hand it to her the second it's spit out of the printer. Right.
LEL almost never knocks on the doors of offices - she just barges right in. Most recently she barged into Tuna's office when I was in there. He not-so-warmly told her, "LEL, I'll speak with you later; please give us a few minutes." She left, and Tuna looked at me and rolled his eyes. With a straight face, I said to him, "I'm trying to be professional." Tuna cracked up, which made me start laughing, and when I went back to my desk it was obvious LEL thought we'd been talking about her. Aside from that five second laugh, we were talking about a client.
LEL wants me to never criticize her for anything. I should never ask her to lower her voice (everyone else does) even though she speaks louder than people speaking to foreigners who don't understand English. I shouldn't be upset that she sprays perfume at her desk, or that she has casual conversations in a foreign language with other co-workers in an effort to exclude non-foreign language speakers around her.
Years ago my mother told me she didn't believe in respecting elders simply for their age. "Respect has to be earned." I agree with that. I can't respect someone who demands respect. I can't respect someone who doesn't show respect to people I believe have earned it.
I guess that's how I stepped into the elevator this afternoon after work with LEL, and we never made eye contact or spoke to each other. We didn't speak all the way down to the lobby, and neither of us said anything when she crossed right in front of me as we walked the same two blocks together (I was on my cell phone the second we hit the lobby floor anyway).
Cat Lady has told me LEL is depressed. She's told me LEL and Mr. LEL are constantly fighting with each other. Sometimes I feel sorry for LEL, for feeling that way. I know how it feels to have everyone hate you, and it's the most lonely feeling. But then she sprays her overly flowery perfume on her wrists 7 times (EACH wrist), or speaks on the phone to a friend so loudly that I can't hear a client on my phone, and I stop giving a shit.
Kind of ironic that if LEL stopped trying so hard to demand what I don't feel, that alone might actually earn her some respect. I'm sure there's some significance to her respect, power struggles, low self-esteem, and wanting people to be impressed with her.
She wants me to show my respect by saying good morning to her in the mornings when I come in. No matter which of us arrives at work first. No matter if I walk in with Nice Partner - she'll go so far as to say good morning to him while ignoring me. Because I should say good morning to her. First. Then, and only then, will she respond in kind.
LEL wants me to show my respect for her by not getting upset that she never says thank you when I do anything that deserves a thank you. She wants me to show my respect for her by laughing at all her jokes, and being visibly impressed with all the obscure information she knows.
LEL wants me to be impressed with how involved she is at her temple, and to admit that she's more jewish than I am. (It's a jew-off!) LEL wants me to agree with all the cliches she uses. She wants me to admire her dedication in keeping her candy dish filled during business hours.
LEL wants me (and everyone else) to think she's oh so important, and that's why she often stays at her desk during her lunch hour. As if the Cowboy can't handle life without her for 60 minutes. LEL thinks whatever she is doing is so much more important than whatever anyone else might be doing, and has told every attorney who dares to use the printer she uses, any time she's printing something. As if they should be on the lookout for her document and hand it to her the second it's spit out of the printer. Right.
LEL almost never knocks on the doors of offices - she just barges right in. Most recently she barged into Tuna's office when I was in there. He not-so-warmly told her, "LEL, I'll speak with you later; please give us a few minutes." She left, and Tuna looked at me and rolled his eyes. With a straight face, I said to him, "I'm trying to be professional." Tuna cracked up, which made me start laughing, and when I went back to my desk it was obvious LEL thought we'd been talking about her. Aside from that five second laugh, we were talking about a client.
LEL wants me to never criticize her for anything. I should never ask her to lower her voice (everyone else does) even though she speaks louder than people speaking to foreigners who don't understand English. I shouldn't be upset that she sprays perfume at her desk, or that she has casual conversations in a foreign language with other co-workers in an effort to exclude non-foreign language speakers around her.
Years ago my mother told me she didn't believe in respecting elders simply for their age. "Respect has to be earned." I agree with that. I can't respect someone who demands respect. I can't respect someone who doesn't show respect to people I believe have earned it.
I guess that's how I stepped into the elevator this afternoon after work with LEL, and we never made eye contact or spoke to each other. We didn't speak all the way down to the lobby, and neither of us said anything when she crossed right in front of me as we walked the same two blocks together (I was on my cell phone the second we hit the lobby floor anyway).
Cat Lady has told me LEL is depressed. She's told me LEL and Mr. LEL are constantly fighting with each other. Sometimes I feel sorry for LEL, for feeling that way. I know how it feels to have everyone hate you, and it's the most lonely feeling. But then she sprays her overly flowery perfume on her wrists 7 times (EACH wrist), or speaks on the phone to a friend so loudly that I can't hear a client on my phone, and I stop giving a shit.
Kind of ironic that if LEL stopped trying so hard to demand what I don't feel, that alone might actually earn her some respect. I'm sure there's some significance to her respect, power struggles, low self-esteem, and wanting people to be impressed with her.
posted by Green at 8/10/2006 11:26:00 PM
8 Comments:
I had someone like that in my first post-college job. Except she was actually higher up and thought that that meant she could force me somehow to grovel. But I knew that I wouldn't work there or with her all my career and didn't have anything to lose by not kissing her ass.
I have a story I've been saving forever (maybe I'll post next week) about how she called me into her office to tell me how "unprofessional" and "immature" I was and that I was "sabotaging" my career by being stuck-up. LOL. I think I made her cry that day. I felt sorry for her because she obviously had deep issues, but she was just such a jerk! I wasn't about to demean myself because she had low self-esteem and needed to be superior just to feel good about herself.
I vote for low self esteem + over compensation + insecurity (protecting oneself by pushing others away)... or she's just a BITCH!
My mom would always say that being overly kind to people like that was like heaping red hot coals on their conscience.
I find your blog interesting because I work with attorneys too - four of them and I assist a legal secretary. Your boss can shake hands with mine (though the religious beliefs are different, everything else is practically the same). You have my empathy. I thought I was the only one with a boss who had a burning desire for respect, yet hardly earns it throughout the week. This entry makes me feel not so quite alone in my legal department. THANK YOU.
Without injuring yourself, could you SHOW her some respect, kindness,really, and graciously help someone who is fighting not to drown. Maybe throw her a smile or a nod! Point to you on the Jew-off: it would be a mitzvah!
Everyone deserves respect just because they are, in my opinion.
She sounds like too much work to me...very controlling...steer clear of her drama!
Anon 3:56,
I showed her respect, kindness, and helped and continue to help her when it's good for the department. This woman stands on ceremony. I have brought in candy for her candy dish, let her know when Cowboy's calling her and she can't hear him, complimented her socks, cooed over pics of her grandson, wished her happy (insert jewish holiday here) whatever, and all around been a pleasant person to work with.
That's not enough for her, and what she wants is too much for me to give. No other Grandma in my row dislikes me except her. Clearly, it's her. Not me. I'm not changing.
I hope you're not discouraged about getting feedback about what "you should do". We obviously don't have the whole picture most of the time. Please take it as "we care", not as criticism. Hope your weekend is going well.
eh, feck LEL. you should just print this out and give it to her. i think this is beautifully thoughtful and right on the money. even if it hurts for her to hear.
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